#jon taffer

Please reblog for larger sample size :)

"What do you mean you don't allow ghouls? The demo in this region is 65% ghouls! That's more than half your customer base!"

"Who told you a traveling bar is the way to go? How is anybody going to find you if you're always wandering around! You have to be stationary!"

"This bar is losing 5,300 caps a month due to raider bribes! Why'd you open next to Crater in the first place?? And who put these flamingos??"

"You gotta be frickin' kidding me! He's running the cold tap through the swamp! No wonder your customers complain about the smell!"

I found a book of prophecies at the local business school. All of this will happen in 2026

Schools realizing giving small children Chromebooks is a bit much and start handing out garter snakes instead

Elon Musk tries to invent a version of Scientology based on "epic memes" that just ends up being a bunch of "founders" discussing how to blow up a nearby homeless shelter. Musk escapes all legal evasion because American institutions need to protect him in the name of Rich Man Good

A county school system in the Seattle metro area cut arts, drama, history, and literature and replaces it with the Amazon System For Learn2Code.Biz, featuring Mr. Beast speaking at the graduating ceremony

A reality show about how much landlords cry when they evict people is critically lauded

The bees come back out of nowhere. And nobody knows where they came from or where they were. Everyone decides this is fine, decides not to look a gift horse in the mouth

Jon Taffer, of Bar Rescue fame, runs for Senate and ends up winning by three votes

The American Medical Association says eugenics can be "done right, ethically, thanks to our partnership with OpenAI"

When the US isn't able to buy TikTok, it just floods it with influencers who talk about the "Saudi-Israeli prosperity plan." One of them ends up leading the Neom Secession Movement before being killed by Mr. Beast (not related to the Neom Secession Movement it's a hit and run while he films in Neom)

Former US president William Howard Taft is rumored to be spotted in Henderson, Nevada. This goes viral on Twitter and then it turns out to just be a guy

The Atlantic publishes an article by a war criminal about how philosophy departments need to admit morals are "fake and gay." It turns out the author was ghostwritten by his 14-year-old groyper janissary

An Ivy League law professor opens up a restaurant themed around "what if Olive Garden was authentic." It ends up revealing a massive tax evasion movement that ends up with three senators, seventeen Twitch streamers, and five major CEOs arrested

David Zaslav awarded a cultural medal by George W. Bush, who is somehow president again (to the joy of all Americans)

Mr. Beast supposedly finds the golden plates of Mormonism but buries them again

J. K. Rowling claims that sinking the migrant boat was necessary because they might have been exposed to "transgender ideology"

The Broadway musical of Rick and Morty, starring Jon Taffer as Rick and Mr. Beast as Morty, sweeps the Oscars despite not being a film, in no small part because Broadway partnered with OpenAI, who sponsored the Oscars. The host is made of entire pure ChatGPT and it's found out when someone tries to fuck him on stage.