#jackson!reader

The sheets were tangled up in your legs as you turned to lie on your stomach, groaning as the deep sleep you were just in escaped you. The alarm on your bedside continued to beep irritatingly, washing away any peaceful thoughts that carried on with you from your dreams.

The air was chilly outside of the warm sheets that consumed you, making the fact you had to get out of bed harder than it already was.

You dragged yourself out of the comforting warmth of your mattress and blanket, rubbing a hand over your face, a finger lingering at the band aid you had put on yesterday after nicking your cheek on a tree branch. It was a stupid accident, really.

Squinting at the clock while rubbing the remaining sleep out of your eyes, you saw it was 7 AM. You had half an hour before you had to go out on patrol. You could deal with that, there was enough time to have a small breakfast.

Well, maybe just coffee if you kept sitting at the edge of your bed.

The hardwood floor was firm under your bare feet as you left your room, heading towards the stairs while you pulled a sweater over your shoulders. Your fingers danced along the railing as you trailed your feet down slowly, still frowning at the fact you had offered to take the morning patrol.

Because who in their right mind took the morning patrol willingly? You made a mental note to yourself to stop loving Maria so much.

The sun outside shone in onto your counters, almost blinding you when you took a step towards your cupboards. The morning sun wasn’t warm and welcoming, it was sharp and taunting.

You missed the times when the sunrise was the most magical thing in the world, when it gave you hope for the new day. Now, it was another cruel reminder that you might not live to see the day ahead, despite being in a stable community.

The sound of your metal spoon clinking against your glass mug simply blurred into background noise as you struggled to keep yourself awake and upright.

You blinked your eyes open blearily, forcing yourself to focus on what you were doing. Maybe you’d have a quick shower before you packed your bag, maybe that’d help wake you up along with the coff-

Knock! Knock! Knock!

The sharp knocks sounded throughout the room loudly, making you jump and drop your spoon. It was 7 AM, who the hell was knocking at your door this early? There was no way Jesse was ready to go out for patrol already.

With a cautious and questioning expression, you made your way towards your front door, sighing loudly when whoever was outside knocked again. “I’m coming!”

You unlocked the door, and peeked your head out to see who it was. It took a moment for your eyes to adjust to the brightness outside, but were shocked to see Joel Miller standing on your porch, a backpack slung around his shoulders.

“Uhm.. Hi?” You greeted him awkwardly, looking him up and down, as if you were looking for the answer he was there somewhere on his body.

“You don’t look ready.” Joel huffed blankly, looking disappointed.

You tilted your head and raised an eyebrow in confusion. “Ready for..?”

Joel was stood with his arms across his chest, his expression firm and unreadable, as it always was. His boots had left a trail of mud and snow behind him on your wooden porch, the sight being undeniably him. He was much, much taller than you, so much so that you had to raise your head a fair amount to reach his eyes.

You bit the inside of your cheek as you shamelessly took a glance at his jeans that fit him perfectly, and then glanced again.. and again.

He cleared his throat and looked down at you with an unamused frown. “For patrol.” He spoke as if it was obvious, his words harsh.

“I’m going with Jesse in 30 minutes.” You scoffed, opening the door a little wider, giving him a better view of inside your house, and better yet, you.

Joel straightened out his shoulders and rubbed his scruffy beard as he took a generous look at your bare legs and the bedhead atop of your sleepy face.

“Maria didn’t tell you?” He asked with a realising sigh.

“No? What does she need to tell me?” You ran a hand through your hair, a subconscious gesture after seeing how Joel lingered to the unbrushed locks.

“Jesse can’t go. You’re stuck with me instead.”

Your eyes shot up in surprise, opening your mouth but quickly closing it again after realising you had no words.

You’d not spent much time with the older man, let alone by yourself.

You had a silly little teenage crush on him, that was all you put it down to. He was a kind, attractive man, and you were a hopeless, yearning girl.

But right now? It felt like a lot more. Your cheeks flushed at the thought of spending time alone with him, and they then further flushed in embarrassment at the fact he was seeing you minutes after you had woken up.

“Well, you’re half an hour early, Jesse or not.” You shook your head and shrugged, trying to sound more confident than you were feeling internally right now.

You saw Joel’s jaw tick, frustration bubbling up inside of him at your tone. “I like to be early.”

“Alright, well at least let me have some coffee first.” You mumbled, shifting your weight from foot to foot as some sort of nervous tick. “You can wait in here instead of the cold. I- I have enough coffee for two.” You added a little quieter at the end.

To your surprise, he simply nodded and walked carefully past you and through your door. He looked around and took in the surroundings and decor, noticing how cozy it felt.

You led him to your living room, lingering in the doorway as he sat down on your armchair, looking at the pictures you had on the wall and the trinkets you had scattered around various surfaces.

“I- I’ll go.. go make us coffee.” You mumbled, scratching the back of your neck as you tried to avoid looking at Joel sitting in your house, looking a lot like he belonged there.

No, that was stupid. You weren’t twelve and this was not a silly little romance novel.

When you came back down the stairs twenty minutes later, feeling fresher and more awake after the cold shower and the bitter tasting coffee, Joel was in the same place he was when you left him.

The cup in his hand was almost empty, and a smile twitched at your lips at the fact he had taken something you’d offered and, by the looks of it, enjoyed it.

Your bag weighed heavy in your hand, looking dirty and very worn out. You honestly didn’t know how many more trips out of the town it would survive, but there was character in the loose straps and the poorly stitched together pockets.

“Ready to go?” You called to Joel from the bottom of the stairs, looking at him patiently.

His head snapped up at the sound of your voice, standing up and placing the now cold coffee on the table in front of him. “Yeah, yeah. ‘M ready.” Hr grumbled, wiping down his lap.

He took in your new look, the well presented one he was used to seeing stroll around town. Your hat sat over your ears, your now brushed hair falling onto your shoulders in a way that had him mesmerised.

The contrast of your clean and well taken care of coat and your roughed up bag caught his attention. “Couldn’t get a better bag?” He scoffed, a teasing tone in his voice.

You rolled your eyes and swung the bag over your shoulders. “I like this bag, and it still does its job. Why get a new one?” You countered. He shook his head and made his way to the front door, holding it open and looking at you expectantly. “I ain’t got all day.”

The sound of the snow crunching under the two horse’s hooves was the only sound between you and Joel. He rode on up head of you, sitting tall and stiff atop his horse.

The silence was killing you. Every other patrol partner you ever had conversed with you, or simply just listened as you talked in a one sided conversation.

Joel, however, had requested pure silence. He said that it was just how he worked on patrol and that he, quote, wasn’t about to be distracted by a little girl.

You wanted to respect his request, but you’d rather be eaten by a clicker than spend hours on a silent morning patrol.

“Soooo.. Joel.. What are your hobbies?” You spoke up loud enough so he could hear you over the obscenely loud silence.

“Don’t have any.” He replied simply, making you sigh. Of course he had to be difficult.

“Sure you do. I like to read, now, tell me one of your hobbies.”

He groaned but didn’t tell you to stop the yapping that’s only just begun. After a few more moments of silence,

“I play guitar.”

A grin spread across your lips at the fact he had answered, but his reply made you swoon. The thought of Joel playing guitar ran through your mind, imagining him playing it effortlessly, his talented fingers gliding up and down the fretboard smoothly.

Joel could do a lot with his fingers, you thought. Joel could do a lot with his fingers, you thought again, but were shook out of your imaginary conversation when Joel pointed up ahead and called your name.

“We’re stopping up there. The infected always seem attracted to-“ He explained you, to which you swiftly cut him off.

“I’ve been here before, Joel. I know. And based on the log books, i’ve been here more than you.” You told him, feeling hint of pride at the fact you had more experience here than he did.

He shook his head and muttered something to himself before slowing his horse to a halt, you following suit.

You both demounted the horses, settling onto the ground as you adjusted your jacket around you. Joel glanced back at you, his hand reaching for his gun as he visually scouted out the place.

“Sounds quiet.” You commented, to which he hummed in agreement.

“Cmon, let’s check in on the logbook.” Joel suggested, nodding towards the most secluded building.

The two of you were in the last building now, every other one had been clear so far with no sign of infected being there for the past few days. Joel walked in ahead of you, his gun cocked in his hands and his body tense in anticipation.

You trailed off behind him a little bit, rummaging through a set of closed drawers incase there was anything useful.

Joel heard the sound of your footsteps no longer trailing behind him, and now opening and closing drawers louder than you needed to.

“What’re you doing?” He huffed in frustration, turning back to look at you. You pulled back to meet his eyes, a slight pout on your lips at how he sounded annoyed.

“Lookin’ for anything that could be of use.” You shrugged, reaching for your own gun out of your back pocket again.

What happened next all happened so fast.

One moment Joel was reprimanding you for getting distracted, and the next moment there was an infected standing right behind him, hands outstretched towards his neck.

“Joel!” You exclaimed, and without a second thought, shot right at the infected, the bullet just about grazing his face. Joel whipped his head around to see what you had just shot, his eyes wide from the *woosh* of the bullet that just flew past his ear.

“Holy shit. I- Thanks, darlin’.” He thanked you slowly after a few moments.

You simply blinked in surprise of what had just happened. The way Joel had nearly gotten bit by an infected, the way you had nearly shot him in the head. You’d killed plenty of infected, that was no big deal to you. What was making you worry was how close you had come to killing Joel.

He seemed to have noticed the hesitation coming from you, and his face softened in a way you’d never seen before. “You’re alright, sweetheart. I’m okay, the infected’s dead. Good job.”

You nodded, clearing your throat as you lowered your gun and rubbed a hand over your face. “Yeah, yeah.” You agreed. “Let’s clear out the rest of the place.”

Thankfully, the rest of the building was clean, but you still felt shaken up from the whole ordeal of nearly shooting Joel. You’d never gotten so close to hurting someone you cared about before.

The ride back to Jackson was quiet, with Joel shooting you concerned looks every so often.

Yeah, Joel was grumpy and didn’t show much kindness or openness to others, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t have plenty of feelings he kept down and locked up.

To Joel, you seemed soft. You seemed warm and open, giving and completely selfless, you were everything he wasn’t. And, god, did that make him feel drawn to you. It didn’t help that you were pretty and exactly his type.

So seeing you so quiet where you’d usually be talking his ears off til they were practically bleeding made him worry. He felt like it was his fault for not noticing and taking care of the infected in time.

It was around lunch time when you’d gotten back to town, the streets now busy and full of chatter and business. Joel insisted on walking you back to your house, saying that he ‘owed you for saving his ass.’

He walked you up to your porch, leaning against the doorframe as you turned to look up at him, a grateful smile on your perfect face. “Thanks, Joel. You didn’t have to walk me back.” You nodded, shifting nervously on your feet.

“It’s no problem, darlin’. Least I could do.” He smiled, putting a reassuring hand on your shoulder. “Take care of yourself, yeah?”

You nodded, trying to ignore the way your heart fluttered at the way he touched your shoulder so gently. You were quick to brush him off and head inside your house, letting out a loud sigh as you collapsed onto the couch.

The atmosphere in the Tipsy Bison was loud and rowdy, most of the Jackson population all piled into one room. You were sat with Ellie, Dina, and Jesse, a half drank glass in your hand, although it wasn’t the first you’d had tonight. There were more people in that bar drunk than not, and what was another one? No one would notice or care.

Apart from Joel.

He walked up to the table you were sat at, his eyes first landing on Ellie, and then you, then back to Ellie.

“You alright, Joel?” She asked him, giving him a little once over at his tense demeanour. He nodded curtly, before looking down to the floor. “I’m headin’ back now. Don’t come home too late.” He grumbled, giving Ellie a fatherly look.

You looked down to the glass on the table in front of you, swishing the liquid around as you tried to ignore your chest felt warm and your head was buzzing from Joel’s presence. Well, the buzzing in your head was probably because you were tipsy, but the sentiment was there.

Your head snapped up as you felt a nudge at your shoulder, finding Joel standing behind you, looking conflicted.

You silently raised your eyebrows in confusion, asking him what was up.

He nodded towards the door and cleared his throat, turning back to Ellie after he was sure you had gotten the hint. “Night, kid.” He patted a hand on her back, walking towards she exit with his head down.

A few minutes later, you made up some excuse about being exhausted from the earlier patrol, needing to go home and rest.

As per what you expected, Joel was standing outside, chatting to one of the locals. He pulled himself out of the conversation when he spotted you walking out, looking around for him.

“Hey, sweetheart.” He flashed you a quick smile, putting a thumb in his jean pocket. “I wanted to say thank you for earlier. Y’Know, saving me and letting me in your house earlier and giving me a nice cup of coffee.”

Your face flushed, eyes widening at what he had said. “You don’t gotta do that.” You whispered quietly, looking past his shoulders as he took a step closer.

“Cmon, let’s go. Gotta keep you warm.”

Joel’s house was a little more empty than yours, but it was still homey and had that lively, lived in feel. Your gaze drifted to his guitar that sat in the corner. It looked clean and beautiful, no wonder Joel liked it.

He noticed you staring and pulled on your arm lightly. “You look tired.” He commented, turning you to face him.

“You can take my bed, i’ll sleep on the couch.” He suggested, to which you frowned at.

“I can’t make you sleep on the couch. I won’t let you.” You protested, feeling guilty at the thought of Joel giving up his bed for you.

After a few more minutes of arguing and insisting, you gave up and let him lead you upstairs to his room. “The bathroom’s over there, if you wanna use it. I’ll be- I’ll be downstairs if you need me.”

You looked to him, eyes wide with interest and curiosity. Why had he just switched up all of a sudden? Why was he being so kind and open to you?

“Thank you, Joel. I really appreciate it.”

He nodded again before leaving the room, shutting the door softly behind him.

You sat on the bed, the sheets soft underneath you. God, they smelt like him. You were in Joel Millers bedroom, sitting on his bed.

Just this morning, Joel was just a silly little attraction you knew you’d never be able to act on in your life, and now he had actively insisted you slept in his bed, insisting to take care of you.

You made a mental note to tell Maria how much you loved her.

a/n: this is the longest thing i have EVER written. please please PLEASE show it and this new series some love, reblogs, comments, and likes are the most appreciated ever ! lowkey kinda rushed at the end but we ignore. not proofread, so ignore any mistakes pls

“And you look old,” you quip, earning another grin.

“Keepin’ up with you has aged me greatly,” Tommy leans in closer, his elbows on his knees, hands clasped together as his eyes furrow into a more serious look, his tone dropping. “So… what did they want to know?”

“Everything. Mason was a scout; he was supposed to get in and find all this out on his own, but we did a damn good job keeping the vital stuff between Maria and us.”

You suck in a steadying breath, re-running through the questions that the men had badgered you with between beetings. “They wanted to know how the walls were built. Weak points in the structure, what kind of defenses we had built into them, especially in our guard towers. What our plans and protocols would be for an invasion. How many guns did we have stored away, and how much ammunition. They wanted the locations of the keys for all the storehouses, as well as the codes to unlock the radio station. A census on patrolmen, guards, trade workers, and civilians.”

Tommy grumbles deep in his throat as Joel returns from the Mess with a lunch tray and coffee in hand. At the first sip, you have to bite your lip to hide your smile as you realize he’s made it just how you like it. The honey was perfect, and you have to force yourself back into the present, listening to Tommy as he rambles on.

“Sounds like they’re plannin’ an ambush, then.”

“Mason kept harping on me about the lumber run. He came back around multiple times to ask if I knew when it would be.”

“And?”

“What do you mean, ‘and’? And I didn’t say shit, that’s what. I learned my lesson about spilling secrets under pressure. It wouldn’t do any good to anyone, and I figured myself a dead woman already, so I was plannin’ on going down without a peep. I told him you kept that schedule random and to yourself, and somewhere between being beaten with a bat and water-boarded, I’m pretty sure I started spewing nonsense just to mess with them.”

“You think that’s when they plan to come, then? When do you normally do this… ‘lumber run’?” Joel jumps in, taking the initiative of feeding you the stew from your tray, one spoonful at a time, since you had no use of your hands for the next few weeks.

“Spring, normally. There’s a mill we use to cut all the lumber for renovations just outside of the Wind River Reservation, just a few miles outside of Lander. Takes a few hours to drive there, and we spend a couple days loading everything up before hauling it all back. We take about half our patrol with us, I don’t trust bringing civilians outside of those who’re familiar with a mill. It makes us vulnerable, so I try to keep it random when we go. As a precaution.”

“Guess it’s a good thing to be paranoid, then. So, what, we just don’t do it this time? Save it for next year? Or summer?”

“We need that wood, Joel. Got a lot of people hosting displaced families right now, waitin’ for spring to come so they’ll have their own place. I was even considering making two trips. Maria and I have been discussing expanding the walls after we get the hospital opened up.”

Your head ping-pongs between the two as they bicker back and forth.

“Did he happen to say anything else? Anything that we could use against them?” Tommy suddenly turns to you, and you flinch as you think back on your captors.

“In between having my ribs broken and my face busted in? No, I didn’t catch anything else.” You don’t mean to sound so harsh, but your head was throbbing with a growing migraine, and although you’d been asleep for a week, you feel exhausted.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be botherin’ you with this.” Tommy cups the back of your head, petting your hair gently before stepping back, jerking his head towards Joel to pull him aside.

They keep their voices low, glancing now and then at you until Tommy exits the room, quietly closing the door behind himself.

“What’s a girl gotta do to get a shower around here?” You joke, attempting to lighten the mood, but your voice falls flat.

The corners of Joel’s mouth tilt upwards with a small smile. “I’ll go find the Doc and see what I can do.”

A nurse was sent in a few moments later, toting a bucket of warm soapy water and a handful of rags, but when she asked Joel to step out of the room, all he did was grunt, take the items from the nurse, and send her out the door.

“You don’t have to do this,” you mumble in protest as he gently wraps his hands around your back, pulling you into a sitting position.

You want to say more, but your words are cut off by a sharp gasp as pain radiates from your ribs, spreading to every area of your battered body. He gives you a moment to catch your breath before he pulls you to your feet, keeping one hand on your back and his other arm out for you to hold onto.

“I don’t want to do this,” you huff, taking one wary step at a time towards the stool across the room that had a towel draped over it. Every move, every breath, sends white-hot searing pain through your ribs, down your arms, and to your hands. Your face hurts, your lungs ache, and everything sucks.

“Doc says you need to start movin', you've been down for too long. Not good for your lungs.” Joel grunts, urging you forward gently, one step at a time. “And it’s the least I could do, helping you.”

You don’t know what to say to that, and your teeth sink into your lip to muffle your cries of pain as he helps you lower yourself to the stool, and your hands lean against the wall for support as you settle into the seat.

He waits for you to give him permission to pull the hospital gown off, and his rough hands graze the bare skin of your back as he unbuttons the clasps, pulling the thin fabric off your body in one sweep.

The air was chilly, and goosebumps rippled across your skin in response. Your cheeks flush with shame as his eyes sweep over you with a swift glance, before he crouches down, dipping the first rag into the warm water, swiping it over your skin with such delicacy that it makes tears well up in your eyes.

The air is heavy with something unspoken, and you open your mouth, attempting to say something, anything, but you just can’t seem to find the words.

Joel is the one to finally break the silence, and the soft timbre of his voice sends another chill down your spine as he speaks from behind. “Why didn’t you want to get up that day?”

You swallow hard and then wince as your tongue darts out to wet your chapped lips, running right over the massive cut that was scabbed over on the bottom. What should you say, the truth? A lie? Why does he care?

You clear your throat, finally finding your voice. He deserves to know the truth. “It was my birthday.” His hands fall still for a fraction of a second, but he quickly recovers by dipping the rag back into the water.

“I turned thirty. Every year, my birthday serves as a reminder of everything I lost, but it’s also the day of… well…” you take a steadying breath, squeezing your eyes shut as he takes one of your arms away to wipe it clean. “It marks the anniversary of my brother’s execution.”

This time, when he stops, you glance over to see the hard look he’s giving you. That same expression, the one that you had hated from the moment he first came into your house. The look that says he knows you, he knows everything you’ve suffered, and knows that it's all your fault… cause he’s gone through the same thing. He knows you, ‘cause he is you.

You hadn’t realized the tears had started falling until his fingertips touch your cheekbone, wiping them away. And then, the words come tumbling out. You tell him all about outbreak day, and how you had ignored your father’s words, and how the runner had charged you- and he got bit in the process.

How your mother struggled to keep your family of three afloat, and that she had to start selling herself just to put enough rations on the table. You tell him all about your life in the QZ, the way that the soldiers treated everyone, and how you had gotten so sick of being treated like you were nothing more than dirt beneath their boots.

And finally, you told him all about the fireflies. You joined them because you thought it would make a difference for Connor. His name felt like acid on your tongue, burning you as you speak it aloud for the first time since, well, since the execution.

You tell him about being tortured, and then how the General turned around and did the same to Connor right in front of you, trying to break you. And then how Tommy rescued you, put out the fire that had burned across your skin, and carried you off the stage as the Fireflies and the people revolted against FEDRA.

“He helped me find the General, after that. I tortured him for a while, but I knew it wouldn’t bring my brother back, so I left him to be eaten by a pack of runners. Figured that would be worse than death. And then I went after Amaya. She was so happy to see me, said that I was her best, and she was shocked to see I was still alive. Of course, she wasn’t so happy when I pulled my gun and put two bullets in her stomach. Gut shots are supposed to be the most painful, and I got to watch the life leave her eyes.” But it didn't make you feel any better. Nothing made the pain go away. Which is why you started stealing liquor, every chance you came across it. Even if it meant scavenging a half-drunk beer from a corpse, you would drink anything to make the noise go away. To drown out the sound of Connor's neck snapping in the noose.

Joel pats your skin dry with a clean towel, helping you stand once more, leaving you long enough to grab a fresh gown. As he ties it around your shoulders, you look over at him, all the pain and anger and hatred seeping out of your body as you find his eyes. “Nothing I did made the hurt go away. And after getting my revenge, it put me on the Fireflie’s and FEDRA’s radars, so Tommy swept me up and we headed north, where we’d heard of a town that was its own QZ, separate from any other faction.”

He turns you around, and you have to crane your head back to look up at him as he pulls you in close, his arms circling you- taking extra precaution around your ribs. “But when we got here, the pain just got worse. Because it’s not fair. He should be here! This place is what I wanted for him. Safety. Security. A world as close to before as it can get. And it's just been festering inside of me, like I’m infected with a different kind of fungus. It grew in the darkness of my soul, until I was left as this… husk. This shell.”

“Sometimes, the only thing that can make the pain better is other people. Finding someone else to fight for.”

Hesitantly, Joel leans down until your noses brush against each other, and your eyes flutter shut as a shaky sigh escapes your lips. His hands are rough, but his touch is soft. His beard scratches your skin, but you lean into it, embracing the perfect blend of his strong arms encircling you, his hardened chest crushing into yours, and his soft lips pressing against your mouth, waiting for you to open up to him.

You’re ruined. Broken. Destroyed, both from your past and from what the men did to you. How can he even look at you? How can he see anything worth loving, worth fighting for?

He must sense that you’re retreating into your mind, because he pulls back, whispering against your lips, “stay with me. Come back.”

You respond by wrapping one arm around his neck, resting your other bandaged hand against his chest as you lean into him, despite the twang of pain in your ribs, parting your lips so you could swallow his in a desperate kiss, like a woman starved.

When you were finally able to get up and move on your own, a few days later, Dr. V said you were okay to go home, on the promise that you would behave and rest.

“No extraneous activities, take it easy, get lots of fresh air. I’ll come by every day to check on you for the first week. Keep your hands dry and wrapped, but change the dressings every day. Next week, I’ll take the stitches out, and then we can start working on therapy.”

Dr. V spares you a fatherly smile, patting your shoulder in the way he normally does. Joel had run back to the house to get you some fresh clothes and would be back any minute, and Dr. V was keeping you company as you waited.

“All tests so far have come back negative.” He adds in, not meeting your eyes as he speaks, moving to the foot of the bed.

Right. Pregnancy tests. Blood panels to rule out any potential STD’s that may have been shared. Your mind had blissfully kept all of those details locked away, for now. All you can recall is right up until Ellie escaped. You remember them taking you back inside, beating you, breaking your ribs… but everything else is hazy, and you’re not eager to remember much farther than that.

But there’s something else that lingers in the air between the two of you, and you stare until he finally looks at you fully, his expression… unreadable. Was that regret? Shame?

“I know you will probably hear it from a lot of people, but I wanted you to hear it from me first; thank you. Thank you for enduring what you did and for remaining strong. There aren’t many people… actually, no people that I know of who would have suffered such a thing and not given in. I owe you my life.”

“We’re not out of the woods yet,” you whisper, looking away towards the window, which was frosted over from the snow. “They’ll still come, most likely. I just didn’t give them anything useful.”

“Don’t undermine yourself. Now, we have a chance to put up a fight, which is more than we could have gotten if they knew everything they were asking about. Thank you for your sacrifice.” Dr. V moves around the bed, gingerly taking one of your hands in his, forcing you to look up at him.

You can see that he means it all earnestly, every word. He really thinks that you’re the one who saved him when he’s worked tirelessly to revive you? When he spent eleven hours in the operating room, carefully putting your tendons back together to ensure you’d still have use of your hands? When he drained your lung, rotated your body so you wouldn’t get bed sores, fed you through an I.V. so you wouldn’t starve to death?

“I don’t know what to say,” you mumble, staring down at his hand as it swallows yours.

“You don’t have to, I just wanted you to know that your sacrifice will not go unrecognized."

Thankfully, Joel enters the room then, shaking the snowflakes from his hair as he pulls your clothes from his backpack. Dr. V grumbles his goodbye and leaves the room, avoiding Joel as much as he can.

“Everything alright?” Joel asks, laying the clothes out, watching patiently as you slowly pull yourself upright, before he starts to undo the gown, helping you into your long-sleeved shirt.

“Yeah, he just… he was thanking me.” You mumble as your head pops out of the neck hole of the shirt. “‘Cause I didn’t give up anything when they were hurting me. As if that’s something noble.”

“It is. Why do you insist on makin’ yourself so small? Like you’re nothin’?”

“Because I am. I’m a nobody. That’s why Mason took me, ‘cause he said I wouldn’t be missed. And he’s right.”

Joel surprises you by gripping your chin suddenly, jerking your head up to face him, and the move jostles your body. A twinge of pain shoots up your ribs as you meet his furious eyes. “How many times do I gotta drill it through that thick fuckin' skull of yours that you matter? To me, Tommy, Ellie, and Maria? It might not be the whole world, but you matter in our world, ain’t that enough?”

You swallow your objection as his eyes bore into yours, chasing away the bad thoughts that were threatening to consume you.

Neither of you says anything else on the matter as you get dressed as quickly as you can manage. He holds out his arm to you for support as you hobble through the halls of the hospital and to the main entrance. It wasn’t a huge building, made up of just two floors, with one hundred patient rooms, two surgery rooms, an emergency department, and a clinic.

All of Tommy’s hard work paid off, and as soon as you’re better, you’d like to get the proper tour of it. But for now, you don’t want to see the inside of those walls for a long time.

Tommy offered to have a wagon brought around for you, but you refused, insisting that you could survive the walk. Although you keep having to stop to catch your breath, you slowly make the journey home. It feels good to breathe the fresh, crisp air and to move so much after spending almost two whole weeks in bed.

When you enter your home, there’s a sudden explosion of shredded paper, and it takes your mind a second too long to register that there are people in your house. And they’re cheering. For you?

“Welcome home!” Tommy, Maria, Ellie, Dina, Molly, Tony, and Will all shout in unison, throwing handfuls of confetti at you. They follow it up with, “and Happy Birthday!”

You don’t know how to feel.

Because on the one hand, you want to shrink away and hide, because all your birthday meant was a reminder of your brother’s death, and now of being kidnapped and tortured. But when was the last time that anyone had wished you a ‘happy birthday’? When was the last time that day had been associated with anything joyful?

Twenty damn years.

Joel pats your back, shaking you out of your stupor, and a small smile spreads across your lips. “You guys didn’t have to do this,” you laugh shakily, looking around. Someone had put up a few paper streamers, adding in pops of festive color around the room.

Ellie is the first to step forward and hug you, being gentle with you as she does. “I’ll take the credit, it was all me. Joel said it had been your birthday, and I thought- well- maybe we can make new memories, starting now. Fill it all up with good, and eventually the bad will fade away, right?”

You don’t know how sound that logic is, but maybe for once, it would be nice to have something happy to hold onto.

Awkwardly, you embrace her in return, until Tommy pushes past, wrapping you up in his arms. “How come you never told me? After all those times that I asked when it was, so I could do something special for you?”

“It wasn’t exactly a day that I wanted to remember. After all, it was the anniversary I met you, remember?” You tease him, and despite your flat tone, he grins widely, gripping the back of your head so he can slam it against his chest, tousling your hair.

“Well, now that you’re here, can we please cut into the cake?” Dina chimes in, and you scoff.

“It’s ten in the morning!”

“So?” She shrugs, as if that was explanation enough, and you shake your head, allowing them to steer you into the dining room where the table had been set up with more decorations. A small round cake waits at the head of the table, covered in a thick layer of white frosting, with a handful of homemade candles sticking out of the top.

“I hope you like vanilla cake. The cocoa powder tasted like shit,” Ellie guides you to your chair, and this time, you can’t stop the full smile from blooming.

You can’t help yourself as you tell her, “You’re not supposed to eat it straight, you know.”

Ellie glares, diverting the conversation to singing the “Happy Birthday” song, everyone’s off-key voices overlapping loudly, drowning the storm of dark thoughts, holding them at bay, for now.

When everyone finally leaves, and Ellie and Dina have retreated to the garage, you lean back against the couch with a sigh, looking towards Joel.

“You guys didn’t have to do that.”

He glares at your words, shaking his head as he exhales sharply. “I’m not going to run in circles tellin’ you that it’s the least we coulda done.”

“I know it's early, but I think I want to go to bed now.” You look away, changing the subject. Indeed, it was only six, but after all of that social interaction, your batteries were completely drained.

“Let’s go to bed then,” Joel groans, rising to his feet, pulling you up alongside him.

He helps you get dressed in some pajamas and then pulls back the covers, waiting patiently as you crawl into the bed. He lowers the blankets and then leans down, pressing his forehead against yours.

You can see he’s searching for something to say, and he eventually settles on a simple, “goodnight, Darlin’.”

“Wait, where are you going?”

“To my room. I figured you wouldn’t want me getting too close to you, especially since you were, well… I don’t want you to think I’m trying to force myself on you.”

Your heart thunders in your chest at the thought of being abandoned, and you wish you could grab his wrist and hold him in place. “Stay with me, please? I don’t want to be alone.”

“I just wasn’t sure if you’d want me, you know, touching you after…” He trails off, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck as he takes a step away from the bed.

“You’re not them, Joel.” You say firmly, pushing yourself upright, being cautious of your hands.

The muscle in his jaw ticks as he clenches his teeth, his eyes falling to the ground as he shoves his hands into the pockets of his jeans, his entire demeanor shifting into something… else.

“Maybe not now,” he starts, his voice thick with guilt, “but there was a time that I was.”

“What do you mean?”

There’s a chair in the corner of your room that always acts as a catch-all for anything you didn’t have the energy to take care of right away, and he quickly clears the mess from the seat so he can pull it up by the bed as you cross your legs, waiting patiently. Your heart kicks up a notch as he sits down, clearing his throat and meeting your eyes hesitantly.

“After the outbreak, when S-Sarah died,” his tongue slips on her name, and you recognize the pain of speaking about your lost loved ones, “I was lost. I had no purpose, so I found one in Tommy. In the early days, everything was chaos, and there was no safety in anything. So I thought our best chances would be to join in with a group of men who just killed everyone they saw and took what they needed. No matter the victim.”

He swallows hard, looking away as he finds his words. “I was angry, and I took it out on everyone else, thinking that maybe one day it would go away. That maybe if I put out just as much hurt into the world, mine would go away. But all I did was tear apart families and kill innocent survivors that were just tryin’ to make it another day.”

“There’s no way that I can take it back, no way to make it better. And I was so lost, I didn’t even see how bad it was until Tommy left. I claimed that everything I did was for him, to keep him safe, but honestly… I liked causin’ all that hurt. And after he left, I was lost again, so I started wanderin’ around. Found another way of makin’ a living, smuggling things between the QZ’s. And that was nice for a while. I found a woman who helped me forget all the bad for a little bit, and we were close. Tess and I were complicated. In a way, I needed her, because she gave me a purpose again. Gave me something to fight for. But then when we were smugglin’ Ellie out of Boston, Tess got bit, and then I was lost again.”

You watch as he rubs his hands along the length of his thighs as he shares his story, and you realize then that this is the most vulnerable he’s ever been with you. It explains that look, from day one. How he recognized your anger and your pain, your helplessness to save the ones you love. The struggle to find a purpose.

“It took a long time to recover from that, too, but I wouldn’t have been able to do it without Ellie. She saved me, over and over again, and she didn’t even realize it. And when we got here, Tommy told me about everything you’d done for him, and he asked me to be the one to help you, and at first I didn’t want to, but then the more I was around you, the more I saw that you were just like me. And I couldn’t just stand by and do nothing, ‘cause somethin’ about you just… called to me.”

Your pulse quickens as he finally meets your eyes once more, as he searches your face. You don’t know what to say at first, and a heavy silence settles in the space between your bodies, until you break it by leaning forward, pressing your forehead against his with a shaky exhale.

“You’re not… you’re not that anymore. Does our past have to define us?” You whisper, and a huff of laughter escapes through his nose.

“I’d like to hope not. I haven’t been that man in a long time, and I don’t plan on him ever coming back. I just thought you should know all of me, so you know who it is you’re invitin’ in your bed from now on.”

You’re not quite sure how to feel. You can’t fault him because you’ve all had to resort to messed-up shit in order to survive, and that’s why you came to Jackson, because you wanted to be something better. Same for him. That’s what Jackson is: a fresh start. A new beginning.

And you’re thankful to know everything he’s told you, because it all makes sense now. His vehemence in reassuring you that you’re not the monster you think you are.

'Cause you could’ve been a whole lot worse. You’ve killed people just for the sake of killing, lots of them too, but every life you took was in self-defence. Innocent people died because of you, but never by your own hand.

“So I understand if you don’t want me close anymore.” He startles you with his voice, and you jerk away with a shake of your head.

“I never said that I wanted you to leave.” You wrap your arm around his neck, keeping him close.

“Okay, okay,” he hushes over you, leaning in so he could lie down beside you, crawling in under the covers. He’s careful to drape his arm away from your injured ribs, which have healed significantly but are still extremely tender. “There, I’m stayin’.”

He pulls you up so you’re lying on his chest, and you rest your head over his heart, listening closely as it thunders against your ear. He tucks his other arm behind his head, settling into the mattress with a heavy sigh.

“What kind of a pair are we, huh?”

“A pretty broken one, I s’pose.” He grumbles into your hair, inhaling deeply as your body melts against his.

“But… two broken things together can make a whole, right?”

Joel pulls away so he can meet your eyes, and something unreadable flashes across his features. Something warm and foreign. Something you never thought you’d see again when someone was looking at you.

The old you wants to run away, because these feelings are dangerous, and they’re only going to end badly for both of you. But for once, you decide to let it all go and embrace whatever it is that’s stirring in your heart.

Flashback

The forest was lush and quiet, the bird chirping early in the morning and the river rushing, splashing its cold waters to your pale skin was the only thing that was ever so relaxing. You thought about it again and again, Percy and his quest to retrieve the master bolt. Where was your little brother? The one you cared for much..

It was 5 in the morning, most of the campers were still sleeping, the counselors were awake, keeping the cabins and activities on track. You stared at the picture over and over again, you and percy in an amusement park, you clutching a teddy bear your mom won for you at the fair and a pink cotton candy your mom bought for Percy, Sally was behind you two, smiling widely, her arms wrapped around you and percy's neck. You all looked happy.

But that's life, you've got to accept that your mom is gone, or so you thought..you don't know who to believe anymore.

a twig snapping from behind caught you off guard, you flinched and quickly turned around, revealing someone. Luke.

The Hermes Boy.

You sighed and rolled your eyes, earning a chuckle from him, you kept staring at the rushing river while he sat beside you.

"What's wrong?" you sniffed, wiping the tears on your eyes.

"Nothing, why do you even care?" Luke shrugged and watched your eyebrows knit together.

"Can I not care? We're friends afterall"

"Since when did we became friends? i just arrived at camp Two weeks ago, we can't just magically be friends and make friendship bracelets together" You sniffed and looked at him, carefully waiting for a response.

"Ever since I helped you with archery, you agreed to become my friend" Those words registered in your mind before finally remembering it.

You did accepted him as a friend.

"Oh."

"Yes 'oh' , Now tell me what are you so upset about? is it about Percy?" You sighed, shaking your head, tears threatening to spills from your eyes.

"My mom and brother, I blamed myself for what happened on the hill, I could've saved her! I could've driven the minotaur away so that my mom can escape, i'm old enough to fight I—"

"—But you were attacked, You can't force yourself to fight, The healers had to carry you all the way to the infirmary and said you were badly injured—"

"—That doesn't matter!—"

"—It does!" Luke snapped. Your face frowned, confusion washing all over you, Tears were now streaming down your cheeks.

"You matter to me, I know you did your best to save your mother that night" He whispered, moving closer to you, his warm palms brushing your tears away, followed by a kiss on your forehead.

He brought you closer to him, Your chest pressed against his, your head rested on his neck, he pressed his nose on your hair and inhaled your sweet coconut shampoo while he rubbed your back.

You found yourself leaning into his touch, sighing in comfort.

——

You can drive all night

Lookin' for the answers in the pourin' rain

You wanna find peace of mind

Lookin' for the answer

Flashback

The feeling of rain drops trickling down your face was so relieving, No wonder why your mom does it all the time, sitting on the balcony of your small, dingy apartment in Upper East Side manhattan, thinking about your dad, Ignoring Gabe.

Now you were in Camp halfblood, doing the same thing.. But you weren't thinking about you dad..It was rather about Luke Castellan and his stupid smile, his fluffy dark curls and gorgeous eyes, there was at least maybe fifty percent chance that you might end up with him. why fifty tho? Well, Him talking to that gorgeous Aphrodite girl says otherwise.

You inhaled the intoxicating scent of wet trees before smiling, your clothes drenched. but you didn't care less.

It wasn't until you felt a presence behind you, and it was none other than the boy you were thinking about.

His orange Camp Halfblood shirt was also drenched, his toned body was visible.

His presence was annoying, but you loved it at the same time. He nudged you, and of course, you shot him glare.

"You love annoying me, do you?" You sighed, squeezing water out from your wet clothes, He laughed and helped you up.

"I do"

"more than Silena?"

Luke paused.

"What does Silena Beauregard have to do with this?"

You chuckled softly, Luke's confused gaze still peering at you "Don't you like her?" You asked, jealousy laced into your voice like venom as the rain stilled poured heavily, thunderclouds were rumbling on the sky, signaling a much heavier storm.

Luke's eyes never left yours, as if tho he was trying to tell you something, he stepped forward, brushing away a strand of your hair and tucked it behind your ear, cupping your cheeks at the same time.

everything seemed to have stopped, the rain, the storm. everything felt so unreal...

"What are you doing?" You whispered, your eyes never leaving his.

"I don't like Silena Beauregard"

There was a moment of silence between you and him.

"I love you, Y/n, From the moment I saw you on that hill. You stole my heart, And i'm letting you keep it"

The exact dialogue that you imagined him saying was coming true, your heartbeat became fast, as you felt his lips inching closer to yours.

——

Funny how it seems like yesterday

As I recall, you were lookin' out of place

Gathered up your things and slipped away

No time at all, I followed you into the hall

Flashback

It was midnight, and you were packing silently in Cabin 3.

Your senses finally came to you, and you're gonna save your mother and brother. Chiron and Mr. D were against you, saying that it was too dangerous for you outside the camp's border since you're a daughter of a Big Three god, Therefore your blood can attract monsters miles away, But you didn't care less.

Obedience doesn't come naturally to you.

even if it meant leaving Luke.

The engraving of your father's image came back to you, you remembered his smile when you were young, while he hummed a tune while cradling you gently into his arms like a delicate pearl.

you prayed silently at him, to protect you, since this journey is about your family afterall.

looking one last time at your cabin, you went ahead on the camp's hill, walking quietly as possible, the small flicker of light in the Hermes Cabin caught your breath, then, there was silence. It was only you and the crickets chirping.

The sight of the big, light blue farmhouse gave you chills, especially the attic..that was your main goal..

To talk to the oracle.

You carefully picked the lock until there was a *Click*

slowly opening the door, you held your breath and aimed for the stairs, each step you took made a creaking sound, but Mr. D and Chiron seemed to be deep asleep since no one even heard it.

Once you reached the attic, the cold midnight breeze seemed to greet you because you suddenly felt cold. Shivering slightly, you walked towards the mummified body of the oracle, carefully trying not to bump on pickled monster heads in gigantic mason jars.

"Hello...uhm— Goodmorning?" That was horrible.

The mummy didn't budge. Instead, a green smoke came out of the mummy's mouth, and a deep voice swirled inside your head.

"I am the Oracle of Delphi, Speaker of Prophecies of the Phoebus Apollo, Slayer of the Mighty Python. Approach, Seeker, And ask"

You held your breath and clutched your bag tighter.

"I came to ask if I will be able to save my mom and brother." There was a slight hope in your voice as you waited for the oracle to speak.

The mummy's voice swirled inside your head once more. This time, the voice was deeper;

'In shadows deep, a maiden weeps,

Her fate is sealed, in darkness sleeps.

Her lover's heart, a flame ablaze,

In vengeance sworn, for her he'll rise.

Then, There was silence.

"Hold on— I don't understand!" You ushered, your voice was a little loud as you nudged the mummy again, but again— Silence.

The Prophecy didn't made any sense, It didn't mention your mother or brother, You expected something like; "Victory will be yours and a happy family shall be reunited once more".

Looking at the mummy one more time, you left the attic and climb down the stairs.

Once you were out of the big house, You saw a silhouette infront of you.

You froze and pulled out your dagger.

When the moon got brighter. it revealed Luke.

Still in his Camp Halfblood t-shirt with messy bed hair and red and black checkered Pj's.

"Y/n?" His raspy voice asked.

"Luke—"

Then, His eyes shifted on your bag.

It came to him.

"You're leaving?" He stepped forward.

You bent your head down in shame and nodded.

"I want to find percy and mom...I just can't stay here at Camp and do nothing, They can be in danger!"

"And what if you didn't make it? How about me? did you ever think that?" Tears formed in your eyes.

"Leaving is hard, Luke." You whispered.

He wrapped his arms around your waist, kissing you ferociously. He pulled away and took a bracelet out of his pocket with a small engraving of your initial and his, beside a wing and a trident.

"Promise me one thing" Luke whispered, taking your arms and putting the bracelet on your wrists.

"Anything..."

"Be back safely in my arms..."

A small smile graced upon your lips before you nodded.

"I Promise"

——

Cigarette daydream

You were only seventeen

Soft speak with a mean streak

Nearly brought me to my knees

Flashback

There was an arrival on Camp.

Luke Castellan hoped that it was you, his girlfriend, who he had waited for almost a month. He expected you to walk inside camp, smiling widely while the crowd cheered, You running towards him, kissing him, Ever so happy that you're back in his arms.

That was what he thought.

Instead, two healers were carrying a stretcher, and a white cloth covered the person who was lying on the makeshift bed.

Everyone was gathered in the entrance, strings of gasps and mumbles in disbelief continued as Chiron and Mr. D fought.

Then, an arm dangled out of the stretcher, Luke never knew that simple accident would make his heart drop.

He saw a familiar gold bracelet.

The world stopped all of a sudden.

There you are, laying on the stretcher as the healers carried it towards the lightened funeral pit.

His warm hands brushed your cold cheeks, praying to the gods that you might wake up. But the large slice on your neck says otherwise.

Mr. D and Chiron's argument was now heard since the crowd went silent while watching Luke cry.

"She ran away and disobeyed us! She doesn't deserve a funeral pit! only heroes—"

"SHE IS A HERO!" Yelled Chiron, shutting Dionysus up with a frown. He stomped away.

Luke buried his head on your neck, sobbing quietly. He can't accept it. The only girl that had brightened up his darkened world was gone. He wanted to feel you again, like a secret and a sin.

You were the first person he ever showed his heart to, and you were the reason no one will ever see it again.

——

You can drive all night

Lookin' for the answers in the pourin' rain

You wanna find peace of mind

Lookin' for the answer

If we can find a reason, a reason to change

Lookin' for the answers

If you can find a reason, a reason to stay

Standin' in the pourin' rain

Flashback

Perseus Jackson was back at Camp.

He was happy, Yes. But the first person who he searched for was his sister.

The blonde boy scanned the crowd that clapped for him, hoping that his sister was there, grinning at him before hugging him tightly.

But when he asked Annabeth where you are, she looked down, her eyes softening before it glistened with tears.

"Percy..I'm sorry" She tried to step forward, but he stepped away, He looked at Annabeth like she was crazy.

"What do you mean 'I'm sorry'? Look, Annabeth, I'm tired of jokes. Where's my sister?"

A tear rolled down on Annabeth's cheeks.

"A week before we left for our quest...Y/n..she tried to follow and save us.. But when she reached Santa Monica... She was caught between Chimera and Hydra..She— She didn't make it"

Percy shook his head and stepped back, Tears were now threatening to spill from his eyes.

"I don't like your jokes, Annabeth" He whispered, Horrified.

"It's no Joke" Luke's voice came from behind.

"She's been burned in a funeral pit fit for a hero, She's buried now"

Percy gaped at Luke.

"You're not— Please, Don't tell me this is true" Percy begged.

"It's true, Percy. They'll pay for her death" Luke's voice cracked as he stared at Percy, His eyes filled with cold resentment.

——

You can drive all night

Lookin' for the answers in the pourin' rain

You wanna find peace of mind

Lookin' for the answer

If we can find a reason, a reason to change

Lookin' for the answer

If you can find a reason, a reason to stay

Standin' in the pourin' rain

Flashback

You shall be betrayed by one who calls you a friend.

Percy held up his sword at Luke, but Backbiter was much bigger, and Luke was stronger. Unlike Percy, who had a small bronze sword.

"Clarisse didn't steal the bolt. You did. You worked with Ares to plot it on me! So when the shoes you gave me pulled me down to tartarus... The bolt will be delivered right back to Kronos."

Luke's face hardened.

"I never thought you'd give 'em to grover to wear, I AM your friend percy, none of this was meant to betray you!"

Percy kept his sword aimed at Luke.

"And my sister... Did you also forcefully send her after me so she can be killed, hm?"

Her lover's heart, a flame ablaze, In vengeance sworn, for her he'll rise

"Why do you think so lowly of me, Percy? Why would I send the girl I love on a deadly quest?" Luke tried to slash percy, but he dodged it quickly.

"You're the one who should've died. Percy. Not her."

The tip of backbiter was now at Percy's face, the dim moonlight shone above as fireworks started being launched.

"She's supposed to be here! Right now! With me, in my arms! But she's six feet deep because of you. Did you really think that your dad tried to save her? Did you really think that the Gods had mercy on her when they watched her struggle between those monsters? No. That was enough proof that the gods NEVER CARED ABOUT US! Her blood spilt shamelessly, She died a commoner's fate." His venomous words stung Percy to the core.

"And believe me, when I say this; I'll build an entire army to avenge her"

With that, Luke sliced the arch and vanished.

A/N

Hi again! I'm slowly finishing my drafts...So......KEEP AN EYE ON MY POSTS! IT MIGHT BE YOUR REQUESTS!