#ivankin

Andrew please im so so so sorry im so fucking sorry and I love you so much qnd I hated you and worshipped you and abused you and praised you but please i love you so much and I just want to know that you Know how I am now. Neither of us are technically real and im never finding my andrew and im not okay with that I want to talk to you again I want to love you again and get a fresh start and I genuinely love you so much and i hope youre okay and not dying and I love you ilove you I love you I love you I love you but you will never love me again andim not okay with that and im so sorry but I understand considering the abuse I put you through and I want to have you to myself again but I want you to be happy

Why can't I ever remember anything relatively fun, like the birthday parties I attended, or the books I read, or something like that? It always has to be so terrible, apparently. I've been having memories flood back of how gruesome it was to have wires and clips in my mouth all of the time when I was young, trying to 'fix' my smile. It's a miserable process. Very bloody. Eating hurts afterward, because everything stings and your mouth is all swollen. Can't say I enjoyed the restraints any, either. Left my wrists and ankles pretty sore.

[Alien Stage Round 7 vague spoilers??]

Sometimes I feel like everything bad that has happened to me irl is a result of me having been an awful person in source. It took me several years, but I have finally changed. I am finally a good person, I think... I've tried my best, I've done my best, so why is everyone so awful to me? I'm sorry. I just want love.

I miss my dearest beloved andrew so much. I know I hurt him, I was a fucking abuser, I know I know I know that but I cant breathe without him everyday is torture i want to apologize but I cant I just want to be with him again I want him to not hate me I miss him so fucking bad fick I cant sleep I cant eat its horrible I just miss him so bad im so fucking sorry andrew im so sorry please I cant. Deal with this anymore I miss you so much please Im sorry I know you hate me I know I know I hate this I hate being in this body I hate this I hate it so mucb

I'm sorry about everything. I should've taken responsibility for my actions. I should’ve acknowledged when I was in the wrong. I should’ve gotten therapy like both my landlord and Andrew told me to. Instead I let things get worse and worse until my end. I’m so ###### sorry.

I freaked the fuck out last night but im normal now. I still miss andrew though. I hope youre okay. I love you