#invalidating

Tw sa and victim blaming

Note:This poem is about sa and victim blaming culture.it talks about victim stereotyping and how it impacts all victims as really this stereotype doesn't fit anyone and just makes everyone feel worse.even if pepole do fit the stereotype they will still struggle to be believed as for some fucking reason someone will find away to invalidate it.belive surviours and if sadly you are one your smashing it<3

Respectfully, you all need to stop writing fanfics where the gender of the reader is specified. Let's instead make everything gender neutral. Just specify the gender in fanfics where it is truly necessary to specify (like nsfw fanfics).

Not everyone in sfw stuff have to be a woman. Nsfw stuff either but just try to make everything gn as much as possible.

There are plenty of people me included who just want to feel valid and peacefully imagining the love life of their dreams with their comfort characters without worrying about their biological sex and feeling uneasy.

Thank you very much.

For example, she left her job due to how bad her mental health is but when I was stuck in a really bad work space and was causing me to have mental health issues, I had to stick at it and not be so "dramatic". (This was like my very first job btw)

I've had anxiety for years and she's only had it the last few years but it just somehow feels like a competition between us both and I don't want that. I want my mother, I just want to be understood but I'll feel like an asshole if I tell her this, I don't want to disregard her feelings but I'm tired of feeling like she's disregarding mine.

How should I approach this?

Hello 👋🏻

My first advice is:

Talk to a therapist

Kindly suggest to your mom that she talk to a therapist

It sounds like she’s relying on you to validate and regulate her emotions, and is so preoccupied with her own suffering that she sees yours as a threat, like it somehow diminishes her own. She would benefit from talking to someone whose job it is to listen, affirm her feelings, and help her sort out her problems; feeling seen and understood by them would likely take the burden off of you.

You should not have to regulate anyone’s emotions. Certainly not your mother’s. If she has a history of parentifying you, this would be another thing to bring up with your therapist, as this codependent mother-child dynamic has likely caused issues that you carried into adolescence/adulthood.

You said you want your mother, that is a perfectly valid and natural thing to want. She is supposed to nurture you and be there for you. Parental relationships are not like other relationships. When we become adults, the relationship becomes a bit more reciprocal, but even then, they are still our parents. They don’t need to take care of us, but they should be supportive, and they shouldn’t put their emotional burdens on us. They can share it with us, but they should not make us responsible.

If you’re an adult, you do not have to put up with her venting her frustrations on you. If you’re not an adult, my advice would be different, so reach out again if this is the case, or talk to a therapist (who could help you more).

“I don't want to disregard her feelings but I'm tired of feeling like she's disregarding mine”

You don’t have to disregard her feelings to let her know she’s been disregarding yours. You can tell her this while still being sensitive to her problems and suffering. You do not have to invalidate her, but you will have to upset her. It sounds like she’s used to being the “important one” in your dynamic, so you breaking that pattern will disrupt her, and she may feel hurt or angry, at least at first. That’s her problem, not yours, although you should still be kind and receptive as she processes it. It is NOT your job to make her feel better or cheer her up after you express your hurt feelings and your needs. If you want the conversation to go as well as what is in your power, and you want the chance to remain close to her, you will need to be loving, but you should NOT take responsibility for her. The whole point of this discussion is to pass back the responsibility of managing her emotions — because that’s her job, not yours.

“I’ll feel like an asshole if I tell her this”

First of all, there is nothing inherently mean about what you want to say to her. The only thing that could make it mean is how you say it and how you respond to her afterward. If you speak lovingly (but firmly), then you will be kind enough, and if she responds negatively that’s her fault.

Also, consider your own feelings — they are what’s most important here, because they are yours to protect and advocate for. You have no control over her emotions, nor should you. The only one who should take on the responsibility of managing her emotions is her.

You’re taking too much of the responsibility, harbouring guilt that should not rightly belong to you, and caring about her needs more than your own (likely because she trained you to do so). She has been dismissing your feelings and invalidating your problems. You’ve been sitting with this burden for quite some time, and it’s time that she shares this burden. She is the main or sole cause, so she should share responsibility. She’s causing harm and she should know about it; her conscience will punish her appropriately, and then she has the chance to rectify what she’s done. Guilt is a useful emotion; if you try to shelter her from that, you’re hindering her growth and hurting your relationship with her. Letting her feel that guilt could bring the two of you closer, and for that she would be grateful.

To recap,

Tell her how all of this has made you feel

Ask for what you need (set boundaries)

Be compassionate and gentle but do NOT try to regulate her emotions

If she doesn’t respond well at all, take care of yourself (not her)

And regardless of how the discussion goes:

Talk to a therapist if you can

Suggest that she talk to a therapist (or at least to other people)

If you live with her and cannot move out, I’m sorry you’re stuck in this type of environment. I’m sure this has been weighing you down, and probably impacting other parts of your life. I hope she responds well enough to the discussion, and that she sees the error of her ways. You deserve to feel heard and to have your feelings witnessed and affirmed.

If you don’t live with her, or you’re able to move, this is an advantage for you. If the discussion doesn’t go well, you can take a break from her and maybe try again later. And there are other people you can spend time with instead of her. You deserve to be surrounded by people who are good for you. If she can’t offer you that (at least right now), I recommend that you A) spend less time with her, and/or B) open up to her less about your problems and C) stop/limit responding to her when she tries to vent to you. If she can’t be supportive to you, you should not put in much (or any) effort to support her. Relationships should be reciprocal.

Remember that your needs are important, and the only person whose emotions you are responsible for are your own. Best of luck to you, and take care of yourself.

“you’re still better than other people, even if you aren’t the best, you shouldn’t care about being that good, at least you’re better than a good amount of people, stop worrying about being so good, at least you’re decent, you have it so much better than some others”

true?

maybe, yes

invalidating as fuck?