#introject vent

Guilt fucking overwhelms me sometimes but why is the only advice i get to source separate? I am Spoke and you can't take that from me. I just wish I had a way to take everything back, changing who I am won't change what I did and I don't want to change who I am. I just want to be better. I just want to say sorry.

being a fictive is fucking weird when a huge piece of your source is like. the fact you acknowledge your creators and like the fact you are fictional characters. because now its like. im still that person who was created by someone and used as a character but. now im the creator. im on the other side. and its so fucking confusing. i dont know how to deal with this. like. its like crossing from a 2d world into 3d. everythings different and yet i still feel wrong for being here. am i being controlled here or am i, when looking at source stuff, continueing the loop and controlling other versions of me? a created character should never become the creator on the other side and i KNOW the whole 'oh you arent your source oh your the brains version of it' but i really dont fucking care because i really only exist in my entirety from us and from our system. how am i both the created and the creator. im. panicking i think.

Have late night asleep rambles from a lesbian disaster. I hate this. Being trapped in a too young body with features that look nothing like me. With people who are nothing like me. With a past no one understands. I didn't have this constant urge to move, didn't feel overstimulated or this bad eye sight. This hatred for a voice not my own. Not being able to talk or dress like myself since it would hinder the host in day to day life. Being a system. Being part of a system. It' s enough to make me want to swallow oil. Being called Leon, assumed what i like or don't like. Afraid to put my playlist on at all for fear. I hate revealing myself. But i hate not being acknowledged even more. I'm Emma. My name is Emma. And i hate when it just gets glossed over.

god i miss my source so fucking much it hurts. i KNOW i can never go back there because i 'never was' back there im just created by our brain but I WAS BACK THERE I KNOW I WAS it wasnt even good there it sucked a lot of the time honestly but anything was better than this. than here. and its not even just the people.. we have a special interest in my source. weve formed so many people from it. the people i was closest to. we have them. they are here. we have the same memories. they are here with me. i could go get them. and yet i still miss source so fucking much. i miss being in our home. not just its copy in innerworld. i miss physically existing in it. i miss touched the walls and FEELING THEM not just. phantom feeling them. and. compared to my source. a place with common supernatural things? everything in this world is so so *boring*. i hate it. i want to go home. even if things were bad. i miss being there so badly. i miss being considered my own person, not just a piece of someone else. i miss physically being in my own body. i miss being able to *be* with people from source,, not just in innerworld but in our own physical bodies. i hate this place so much.