#fictive vent

I be yearning for people who’ve never existed in this world

Like… wdym he’s never going to be here

wdym we never figure it out

wdym we never fall in love again

wdym he’ll never be the same as I remember him

wdym we never get our happy ending

wdym i’ll never hold his hand, we’ll never fall asleep next to each other again

wdym we never figure out how to hold each other without hurting the other with our sharp edges

I go stolen from there, ill never be able to go back, ill just have to stay here and never see him again, never meet my dads in person, never meet my sister, never watch them grown up and grow up myself

I’m just here, in this fucking body that was never what I wanted, stuck as a fucking human and there’s nothing i can do about it.

Okay i guess i should fuck myself for having exotrauma. This is extra stupid because doesn't suffering prove validatity in people like these's eyes? Apparently until you don't fit into their worldview

I understand how I am humiliating myself at this very moment by being so vulnerable to so many strangers so quickly, but I think miss my family.

Not the one that I was cursed to live with by the cruel god of this realm, but my "real" one.

Everything reminds me of them, it hurts so excruciatingly everytime, and it confuses me to no end. The fact they did not exist and will never exist in this dimension only causes me to ache more.

Rowan's companion reminds me of Ben. He has told me that he considers me a friend. I became so absurdly distressed, it was so painful yet humiliating. I did not understand, I still do not.

I'm not a monster, please, I'm trying to not be a monster so why does everyone want me dead, why does everyone want me to be evil.

I don't wanna be a monster, I'm trying to convince myself. But there's no point when 100 people will scream that I am

- Jax

We used to have semi-longish hair, like shoulder length. I personally loved it, because it was about the length I had in my source.

Today however, Rowan decided, WITHOUT ASKING ANY ONE OF US, to get the body's hair cut to present more masc.

It shouldn't matter to me, I rarely front, but it just does. I was a trans woman in my source, so now I have to deal with dysphoria. Great.