#internetrelationships

It’s weird how I will go so long without not looking at D’s page. And I passionately don’t want to. Like afraid I’ll see some grand announcement him and his wife are gonna have another kid or who knows what. To see all his art and videos and be so detached from someone I was so intimate with for so long. Before about 98% of the stuff he posted he would show me before. I would know when he was drawing or when he was shooting. I knew what was up with work, what hes been thinking. He knew me better than anyone in all the time and it’s possible it was the same with him. Although he wasn’t always deep. He didn’t even have many friends that weren’t more than casual. His mother didn’t know true details of his life. Coworkers neither. But I knew. I stare at his pics and it amazes me this stranger here has had such an impact. That we’d spent two wonderful days and nights in the flesh together. So many life stories and so much support. It’s not fair to expect him to risk his life for our relationship and support I desire. Not like it’s one sided I want to give him the same. But it’s not even my place. And now I’m in my place and I must swallow the fact that my place is no where in his life. Damn that really, really hurts.

Last night we lost the finals... by like three or four points. I am sad but not like devastated. I sure hated when the cavs won us that year awhile back but I was actually happy for the raptors. They’d never won a championship before ever. And they were a good team with a lot of good players. The players weren’t nasty either. Pissed me off when some of the fans cheered Durant getting his injury but the players shut that down. I guess call me what I am... empathetic and raised on sportsmanship. The warriors are an awesome team and if all the pieces were there it’s very likely the outcome would have been different. But it’s just like life; the pieces fall as they fall and the raptors got their win. I still love the fuck outta my team and all the players, even some love for Draymond Green cause often he pisses me off with his drama. But he played amazing and the drama was down to a minimum. He was too busy for that lol. I hope Durant gets better he’s one of my favorite. And of course Curry makes me feel all sorts of great ways 😂😂. Iggy is my bro. And Klayton too and I hope he is ok. He played excellent. And Looney the Loon needs some rest. And there’s my NBA write up of the season lol.

Now what are we gonna do? I asked Seth. We need to start adventuring. We need to start loving and physical stuff. Like I need it and it’s of course been on my mind continuously. I don’t want to cheat and I want my love to come from him, someone who I love. Who I want a future with. I’ve had so many lovers without substance and I don’t want that. But now I’m tempted.

I go back and forth in thinking life is full of lessons and karma and things happen to teach you shit or is life just you get what you get and when you die that’s it so do what you need to do.

Most of my relationships have been sexually driven. I’ve always had a high sex drive. I have “slept around” considerably. But I didn’t really do it for some reasons others might. In some cases I wanted love and something deep... but really in the bigger picture most were not like that. Mostly I was just having fun. Adventure. It seems weird an empath would seek out physical gratification without connection as much as I have and probably would still be doing it I didn’t have herpes. Or maybe I would have gotten it all out by now and been ready for seriousness. The difference between before and after I was married is before I didn’t even know if I was capable of a deep and truly faithful and loving relationship. Now i know I am.

My ex husband always said that he hated that I didn’t seem like I needed him. Like I was more like his roommate. I’m not super cuddly or show a lot of public display of affection. I would get annoyed when he was too clingy. When he would interrupt me in what I was trying to do for physical effection. I didn’t really like to kiss. I didn’t mind cuddling to some degree. He would always get mad when I would say he was my best friend. To me being best friends in addition to a significant other is the best thing you can ask for. My ex and stalker would call me and text me a lot. And if I didn’t answer they’d call or text again in secession and I fucking hate that. I mean as long as it’s not an emergency. I bought a bigger bed when I got married so I could have space. I crave alone time and time to do things independent from my partner.

So now, I’ve got a boyfriend who is to the extreme just as I described. He can go days without calling or texting. Cuddling and public displays of affection are few and far between. We never sleep together and he’s not ever pushing me for sex. But we also are good friends and I Hope turn into best friends. I just keep thinking ok once you get in this dudes comfort zone, once he trusts you and loves you, the physical will flow more easily. My biggest fear is that it won’t.

So what do I do in the mean time? That’s the question. I’m so wanting sex but if I cheat I will feel super bad. And maybe it wouldn’t feel as special when we finally do it. Kinda like i lied to D and told him I didn’t have sex with anyone the whole time we were talking before we met. That’s one year and a week or so. But it wasn’t true. It would have been 9 months however if I didn’t end up fucking stalker. And the sex was wack and it’s been nearly a year and he’s STILL stalking me. And D was pretty damn good but would have been better had I really gone 9 months without sex. And also if he wasn’t scared. And yeah he was turned on and we both were but I could still sense his reservations. Which made me feel bad. I never came with D. I also lied about that. It was just hard. I also thought we would have had a lot more sex than we ended up having. We probably did it six or maybe seven times in two days. But it was like we’d just decide to do it and we would and then onto something else. And both nights I knocked him out cold with head, sex and a massage. I’m smiling just thinking about that.

After D and I stopped talking for the 2 months or so we did he had to have thought about us more and he did speak of regret that he was so nervous. He said he wouldn’t be that way a second time. But not sure if there will ever be a second time.

I want to love Seth like I love D. I want to just pour all this love I’ve held inside for the past four years. Well maybe it wasn’t there for the whole four years but it worked up to this level. I want to be part of someone’s everyday. I want to feel desired, wanted. I’d love for someone to be intense about it. I often think about the last time Seth and I had sex... at the end of last year. Like I had told him since I was going on vacation for eleven days that he needed to love me good. And I was hoping sex but that wasn’t the main thing. Just get some sort of physical. But he was like ready for it. Bed cleaned off, bathed, in bed clothes. We stayed in the bedroom the whole time. And that whole night was pretty hot. I was able to cum that night which was the first and only time he has made me in sex or otherwise. I keep thinking about that night and wonder if something went wrong? He came and so did I. I was pretty exhausted and wore out after I finished and made him get behind to finish. He teased me about being out of breath. But damn I can count on one hand the orgasms I’ve had in the past year given by another person. And he always keeps the lights on. I wonder did I look ugly? Were the noises a turn off? Like what happened that it’s been six and a half months and you have not even attempted sex. And we’ve been together tons in that 6 months. I can’t even remember when we really made out intensely. I just wish I really knew what was wrong.

It’s taken me all day to write this entry in and out of daily shit to do. I need to get off my ass and go to the weed store and get some concentrate. It’s Friday night and I’m almost guaranteed to spend it alone. Seth said this weekend he wanted to work hard on the rental. There was a time I was hanging there with him but the last time dad came kinda stopped that. Well maybe I need to force myself over there. He seems to like me there but I worry. I’m always worried I’m not welcomed or have wore my welcome. Although I shouldn’t too much cause he will straight tell me if he’s ready for me to go home. And ya know as long as I can remember I’ve never had a dude be like that minus if he had something he really had to do. Or we got in a fight.