I started to feel sick at the beggining of March, last year. When it started I was not initially very concerned. I thought I had a bladder infection, the pain in my abdomen was very similar to previous infections. I'd had a few uti in my life, but it had been a long time. Still, I knew the pain.
Instantly I started with cranberry juice and called my dr. I was hoping that he could just prescribe meds but he said he wanted to test me to make sure.
When I came in, I peed in the cup and talked to the Dr and waited for the results. But oddly enough, when they came back, they were slightly abnormal, but did not show an infection. The Dr said well, maybe it's not bad enough to show positive, but let's send it out to double check. In the meantime, he gave me some meds to stop the pain when I went pee and some antibiotics, but urged me to wait a couple days to start them because maybe it would resolve on its own if it was not a genuine uti.
I waited maybe another 24 hours before the antibiotics because the pain was bad. The other med had helped when going pee, but I was still down with intense pain in my abdomen.
I took all the antibiotics, and the lab they sent the sample to came back negative. Yes, something was marking not quite right, but what, was not known. But 7 days in and I was not better. I went back to the dr. He basically repeated the same steps we did the previous time. Same results. Something odd with the sample, but no uti. He sent the sample off again and I got stronger antibiotics.
But the antibiotics still did not work and things were getting worse. I got a yeast infection from the meds, as happens often with me, but it made things so much more uncomfortable. I also started to get fevers. I felt genuinely shitty.
I was worried about an std, of course. My boyfriend and I had been together at that point 4 months. Things were new. I was worried about an std... even though I had been tested before I slept with him, but in hindsight, not for herpes. I didn't know it was only tested for if specifically asked for or suspected. I read countless Google searches, but I never even bothered to click on herpes, I didn't have any sores. I was ignorant of the fact so many more symptoms are involved.
I even had a pap smear in this time, and nothing was seen as a concern and the std screening came back clear. Of course, no test for herpes was administered.
Things continued to progress and get worse. I started to lose sensation in my ass, I was so confused. It was hard to go to the bathroom. Then, awhile later, I thought all the strain to try and go caused hemmroids, because my anus stung very bad. Not knowing then, I think I must have got my first sore there, but couldn't see it so I didn't know. I was embarrassed to talk about that symptom to my boyfriend. I just took lots of stole softeners, but it didn't really help.
By this time, it's been like 2 weeks in. I was still feeling bad, just genuinely low energy. Then, the scariest symptom to me started to happen. I started to lose control of my bladder. I was, at the time, 35, 2 kids, but they were c section. When other women my age would joke about leaking when they sneezed, coughed or laughed, I didn't relate. I've always had good control and could literally hold my pee for hours. I had heard that was actually bad so I did wonder if I had caused these problems by doing that. It started when I would cough when I was smoking weed. The dabs were the worst... that's when I hit it hard and hacked and literally peed like a full stream down my leg. I was so embarrassed and scared. Luckily it was before bed and lights were out and my boyfriend did not even notice. But I did and was horrified and, at that point, terrified. Not too long after that, my boyfriend and I were having sex and him behind me. Actual penetration was not painful, nothing inside my vagina hurt. But my bladder hurt, and when it was sore and he would hit it, it would hurt. Then one night and he hit it and there was a lot of fluid... horrified I peed. He didn't say anything but a little later we talked about it and I confessed that I think i did pee... he said he thought so too. I held back tears saying how scared I was that something was very seriously wrong with me. My boyfriend wasn't one of many words, even less, comforting ones. But he tried to ease me by cuddling tight and gentle kisses. Not many times in my life have I given too much serious thought to dying. But what if I had cancer or something? What if I died and my kids had no one to take care of them?
The doctor ordered a bladder ultra sound... But I live in a super rural area and they're beyond booked and nobody seemed to think my needs were urgent. Although to me they very much were. It was frustrating.
I continued frantically searching on Google for my symptoms. In my mind I kept with fear of an std and having to tell my boyfriend. Like I KNEW (in my head) I was clean... so IF it was an std, it came from him. But I knew him and I knew he would not take to this kindly. But I read over and over the stds symptoms and none of them fit. It seemed much more concentrated in my bladder anyways. I dismissed the fear, even though it was persistent.
The next symptom was my legs hurt in my thighs... Google says it is swollen lympnodes, which I've had in my neck sometimes but never in my legs there. You could see they were swollen even. I didn't even know what to do.
One night the pain in my abdomen was very harsh. I couldn't really do anything. Just laid up on my bed, heating pad on my abdomen. I was sad, hurting. The boyfriend came over and just laid and hugged me. This whole time and all this pain I never took any pain meds. Ironically as much as I love to numb my mind with weed and an occasional Vicodin, body pain that is unexplained makes me feel like it's necessary to feel it. To better monitor my body and know if I've reached a point where I need to get immediate help. That night I almost went to the emergency room. I'm glad I didn't because can you imagine finding out in the ER you have herpes and your man is right there and maybe even your mom or family? No thanks. Kudos to me for toughing it out.
I took to wearing pads almost all the time because the bladder thing was real. And I smoke a lot, so lots of coughing.
Towards the end of a month of symptoms, they'd started to taper off finally. They were almost gone completely when I woke up one day and felt something on my thigh. It felt really weird. I instantly pulled out my cell and took some pictures to get a better look. What I saw did not look good. It did not look good at all. I pulled up Google search and immediatly herpes popped up. Oh man, what the actual fuck, say it ain't so??
But it literally took no time to realize that it was exactly so. I had herpes. I frantically started reading through all I could find (and had avoided) about it and bam, like every symptom I had was mentioned. To say I was devastated was an understatement.
I was glad, however, that I was not dying. Because like I keep saying, I thought i was. But regardless, this news seemed like a death to my soul.
I didn't know what to do. I cried intensely for hours and weighed my options. I already knew at this point, 5 months in to my relationship that this was not something I could stay in my whole life. His drinking was a serious problem. Much more serious than I had initially realized. He was also mean. Most often when he was drinking, but even when he wasn't. He was very critical of me. I'm certain now in hindsight and we even talked about it after we broke up that he was only on to me because he wanted me to improve my life. I know pretty much everything he said was valid, but the way he said things were just harsh. I always joked he was like my inner critic, in flesh and blood. Every dark insecurity and nagging thought of inadequacy would eventually come out in something he said. It was the weirdest thing. I was, for once, sheltered in the personal intimacy I shared with him. I kept many things quiet, but I felt it was really just in reflection of the signals I got from him. He had a hard shell. At the same time, he knew my skeletons and he didn't even know me like that.
I was certain my boyfriend had given it to me. I instantly remembered he HAD had sores. But we had thought them ingrown hairs. He kinda had an acne issue anyways, so these didn't seem odd. What he had was nothing like what I had. If I had seen what was on me on him, I would have never touched him. No way. But his were nothing remarkable. He only had 2 and they were not on his dick or anything, just in the hair part. The 2 weren't even at the same time. One and then later, another. I bought him Neosporin for it! He said it hurt and we didn't have sex for a couple days. But apparently that was not enough to not infect me. I know I can never know for absolute sure that he didn't know he had it, but I don't think about that much. It makes no difference in the outcome. I know it's possible that I could have had it first, but due to how bad the outbreak I had was, I'm pretty positive it was the first. And nothing even remotely close had ever happened to me before.
I called the Dr and asked if he would do a blood test for like everything in the world, but specifically herpes. Yes, he said. Come tomorrow. So I did, and I told my boyfriend my Dr had ordered me to get blood drawn for everything. I still didn't know how I was going to tell him. I just knew it was not going to go well. I wasn't afraid of him physically hurting me but I was afraid of the hurt his words would say and I knew he would accuse me.
I entertained the thought of just breaking up with him and not telling him at all. I knew that would be the easiest thing. But also not the right thing. Also in my desperation I started to realize how my life was going to change in pursuit of another relationship. How I would have to tell anyone I wanted to have sex with that I had herpes. I was so ashamed and disgusted with myself having it that I couldn't imagine trying to convince somebody else to risk getting it to touch me. Seemed impossible. So maybe I should hold on to my boyfriend, being we both have it now.
I kept quiet about it to my boyfriend until the day I got the email and results. I was not surprised, I already knew it was herpes. And it was. Herpes 2 positive, all other things negative. I knew I had to tell my boyfriend now. I text him, it was early around 10am. I said we need to talk, text me when you're up. Within minutes he responded. I said I'm coming over. I wanted it to happen in person and not at my place. I didn't know what the reaction would be. I was scared.
He lived like, 3 minutes from me, the drive was short. He was already waiting for me on the porch, smoking a cigarette. We hug, he puts it out, and we walk into his room and sit on his bed. The room is dim.
I tell him the doctor called this morning with the results to the blood test i took and now I know what is wrong. The doctor said I have herpes 2 and that was what caused all the things wrong with me. I said this calmly, even though my insides were a mess. The boyfriend is quiet and then he responds "the thought crossed my mind it could be something like that." I was surprised he said that, but just responded "I didn't think at all it was that, that it was even sexually related. I thought it was my bladder and they tested me for stds when i first got the symptoms and it was negative. But they didn't test for herpes and I didn't have sores so I didn't suspect it at all." I never told him I got the sore. It healed in less than 3 days and he worked most the time so we didn't even try to have sex in that time period. After that we just kissed, hugged and cuddled for a couple hours. We smoked, watched tv and were by all accounts normal. When he had to go to work he told me he loved me. I was amazed it went that smooth and it was definitely a relief. Before he got on the clock, he messaged he loved me again. Which, although he said it first and would say it, he didn't say it all the time. He was a man with few words unless he was drunk. Then he wouldn't shut the fuck up.
But my tranquility was short lived because towards the evening I started getting crazy text from him. He'd had some time to think and get angry about it. He started accusing me, saying I was dirty and slutty and I didn't work so I was probably out hoeing around and caught it. I brought up that he had had sores FIRST... Before I got symotoms so how could I have given it to him? He said he asked both his exes and they said they were clean. I was like well so the fuck what they're probably lying to you or don't even know themselves. He said a lot of hurtful things to me and I spent the whole night feeling sad and ripped apart. On so many levels.
His last message was some random about I was probably fucking for weed (which is not even necessary, weed it easy to get) and that's how it happened and that was 4am. At 11am he hits me up with a random "good morning, wyd?" I was so confused. I said recovering from a night of crying my eyes out. He said "I'm sorry. I was just upset." Which is exactly how he proved to be, fly off when he was upset, not at all refraining from hurtful things. I replied to him "I understand that you're upset. I'm also upset. This changes my life forever, too. But don t accuse me of giving it to you because I know I was clean when we got together and I never cheated." It was all the honest truth too. He replied "I believe you." Then he picked me up, and we went to the beach. For the next and last 3 months of our relationship, we did not speak of it much. Until the end of May he got super drunk and started talking shit, accusing me of giving it to him, of cheating. None of which I was ever doing. I don't know if he cheated on me though. I did think maybe he cheated on me, got his first outbreak which lead to my first outbreak. Could have happened. Tried not to think of it like that, but if that was the case, in his head, regardless of what he said, he knew that he had cheated. But one night in May he crossed the line when he said "I know mexicans. I know they're dirty mother fuckers and I know that's all you have ever fucked with, so it leads me to be suspicious that you did give it to me." That really was the last straw, though. I wanted to reply to him, and the usual me would have except I know he would have probably hit me. And the kids were home. I wanted to say "you can think of it that way, or you could think damn 35 years of Latinos and I'm std free and 4 months with a black guy and bam, I've got herpes for life." I know that was fucked up, but only in response to his fucked up accusation. I don't really think race is a factor in all this. He was also obsessed with this paper in my car it was my son's shot records and it was vaccinations for hepatitis, but just hyphenated as "hep" and he kept saying maybe I've had it forever and gave it to my son and now him. I showed him the records but he still was skeptical. I couldn't even believe this. I kicked him out and we literally did not speak for nearly two weeks. I was very sad and lonely. 2 weeks later he sends an "I miss you" text and we are instantly back together. I was too weak to turn it down. We held it down until july. I was tired of him being mean and unpredictable and him putting me down. I had also met somebody else in the 2 weeks he disappeared. I broke up with him when I was 6 hours away. He flipped out, which I knew he would, but he threatened physical harm, which he never did before. He said He always knew I was a hoe and a cheater and he knew I was down there with another guy. He was right, but I denied it. He said he dreamt about it and his dreams and intuitions didn't lie. He also said he had spent 4th of July night in the arms and bed of somebody else. That stung so bad, although I also had did the same.
We hung on for about a month after that. We had sex one more time on August 1st. Then he dropped me from his life. Blocked me even on Facebook. I saw him in December at the store with another woman. Later on I saw he had been taken to court for what I think was a restraining order by another woman. He got arrested for drunk in public.
It's been 8 months since we touched, 9 since we broke up. He makes no initiative to contact me, I've been erased, and forgotten. Because of his gift I have been unable to move on thus far. Sadly enough I think about him many times a day and wish we could just touch again. How easy it would be. But I tell myself it would be bad but I still want it.
I haven't had a breakout since the initial one.
