#internalizedableism

Written and posted on Thursday March 10th, 2022

I work at a university, which for now shall remain nameless for privacy reasons. I had an experience last week that has just been on my mind so I thought I would share it here. 

On the campus where I work, in the student union building, there is a delicious bagel shop. They make delicious bagels and sandwiches. I know they are LGBTQ+ friendly because I have seen their employees wearing LGBTQ+ pins. And a few years ago, in honor of Pride Month, they had a bagel with rainbow cream cheese. If they do that again, I will definitely buy it, even if it’s mostly for the aesthetic. I love rainbows. A couple of the employees know me and say hi, they were happy for me when I told them I was teaching there now. The point being, these are nice people who do not engage in outward discrimination, at least that I have seen. 

Before I continue, I just want to put out a disclaimer that this is of course me reflecting on an experience I had. Different disabled people might see this differently. And I’m reflecting on it, which means that I’m thinking about it more deeply. 

One of the employees, I think she must be the manager or something because she seems “in charge” of showing the others how things are done. She looks to be a middle-aged white woman, definitely older than the others. She saw me last week and said, “Hey, was that you walking around last week on campus?” At first I forgot that I had brought my walker to campus, but then I remembered. The previous week I used my walker on campus to attend an event with my new mentor. He and I drove to campus and I used my walker to get around.

When I confirmed that yes, she did in fact see me walking around, she replied, “It was so good to see you up and walking around.” At first, I didn’t really know what to say. It feels funny to me when someone sees me walking for the first time and they are so surprised. I know that I have been able to do this since I was little but they don’t. So they assume that I am always in my scooter. I can’t expect them to know, so I have to explain. Here is where I’d like to remind y’all that AMBULATORY WHEELCHAIR USERS EXIST! I know, I don’t use a wheelchair, but people treat my scooter similarly so I’d consider myself in that category.

This is how I explained it to her. I said, “Yeah, I use my scooter on campus mostly because it takes a lot more energy for me to walk around. It’s either I walk around and don’t have as much energy for my job, or I use my scooter and have more energy to do my job well.” I told her that I’ve been able to do it my whole life. I know that she was trying to give me a compliment, and I’m not trying to discount it, it just made me think. For me, walking around is good exercise and I am very grateful for my level of mobility. It is however, very tiring and not really a sustainable way of getting around every single day. Back when I was an undergrad, I had my scooter break down and had to use my walker on campus for months and it wore me out. Using my scooter allows me to be more independent, be safer and not have a fall risk, and also to change my plans at a moment’s notice. If I’m walking in my walker, I can only go so far. In my scooter, I can go much farther, so if I want to go get a snack after my class, it’s much easier. My scooter allows me so much more freedom.

I recounted the story to my friend Margot who also has CP (we both have spastic diplegic CP and live on opposite sides of the US. We have never met in person but talk every week). She said something about how another reason that kind of comment is ableist is because it’s saying that being able to walk at all is seen is better than if you are always in a chair or scooter. Being ambulatory is seen as better, I guess because it’s closer to being able-bodied. I hadn’t even gotten that far in my head so I’m glad she pointed that out. 

This incident also made me think about how when I was younger, my parents and I were trying to decide what the best mobility device would be and we decided on a scooter. A few years later, my moms suggested maybe looking into getting a power chair instead because they are more durable and usually have much better batteries. I’m ashamed to admit that I thought “I would never want a power chair because then I would look more disabled.” I still sort of feel that way, which really sucks and just shows a tiny sliver of my internalized ableism. I know that in reality, whatever mobility devices you use (or don’t) are all important and give people more mobility, freedom and independence. None of them are better or worse than others. They are different and different people have needs for various mobility devices. Some fit people’s needs better than others. I use a walker, a scooter and canes for different things, I’ll talk about that more in another post. Some people use more than one and others only use one mobility device.