I used to be so excited about my special interest. Now I can't even manage to engage in any.

This is not me being stubborn. This isn’t coming from ego. It’s coming from a place where I was never seen, heard, nor understood. But also medically neglected, harmed, gaslight, and have 20 years worth of compounding traumas. My entire sick life suggestions have been shoved down my throat. No matter what I said or did - it was never good enough. And you know what, I never asked for help. I didn’t tell people what was going on with me. I didn’t have community or sick friends to talk to. I was totally alone. And all I had was myself.

Now? Now I ask for help when I need it. I will post on my stories to collect resources for myself and others. I will text my friends who are expertise. I will research the fuck out it until I figure it out. If you are my friend, you have to trust the awareness I have in myself. And you need to have faith that I do value your opinion. And if we have a type of relationship where all of this is freely given. But when you have a platform - no matter what you post there will be 100 different voices.

On any given subject and it is OVERWHELMING. I created the space I never had and I have protected it through harassment, doxxing, and abuse. So, it’s a gut punch where I post to share about my day. Where I vent. Or just exist. It is met with someone trying to fix me. Or fix it.

And at what point do I call your ego out? And how do I even approach it when I am constantly reminding people, enforcing them, and it is being ignored. My whole life is being sick. My whole life is figuring out a problem. It is tied to every part of my identity. So forgive me if I don’t want to problem solve 24/7. That I want autonomy. That I don’t want my life to be a collection of fucking updates.

I am telling you how I need to be loved and I am honestly so low maintenance in that regard. And you love me how you think I should be love. And you are telling me that you know best. That your experience is more important than my boundary. In fact, you trample down that fence. You barge into my house. And you start cleaning, organizing, and redecorating it. Instead of just opening that fence with the key I gave you and sitting in presence with me. Keeping each other company.

That is all I am asking for. And I am isolated enough. I don’t want to further withdrawal myself.

Not just being a disabled person ( do not argue with me. Being disabled sucks ass and I will not have anyone up in here trying to tell me my lived experience is otherwise ) but being the disabled person who does EVERYTHING for EVERYONE because for so long you were 'allowed', to be disabled.

Too young to hurt like that, too young to have these issues. Gotta push through like everyone else... You get so used to being Batman with all his contingency plans for when bs goes wrong. ...

Just for fucking once I just want to exist as a disabled person who is not expected to carry the weight of and fix abled people's shit. But I also don't wanna have to carry and make space for other disabled people who are purposely putting me into positions where my disabilities ( both physical and mental) are ignored, dismissed, and downplayed.

I am tired of being 'the stable one ' because I wasn't given a choice and was also wise enough to get help. I'm tired of being forced to do shit because someone 'less stable than I ' cannot get their shit together. I am tired of physically and mentally going thru hell on a daily basis for other people's lives to be less uncomfortable.

The cup of compassion and empathy is fucking empty my chums.. has Been for a long fucking time. I'm tired of handing out bits of my soul and being left to lay here hemorrhaging what's left of myself on the floor... I'm tired of doing for others what nearly no one else will do for me...

I'm sure I'll move past these feelings and go back to be a good little helper. But not today. Today, I'm fucking tired of holding other people's hands while I drown.