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Janet: There is no future. There is no past. Don't you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every fact.
Eleanor: ...All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first.
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Eleanor: I told Michael his ears flush when he’s lying.
Chidi: Why?
Eleanor: Look.
Eleanor: Hey Michael! Do you love us?
Michael, covering his ears: No.
Michael
Janet
Jason
Tahani
Eleanor
Chidi
Vicky
Mindy St. Claire
Judge Gen
Shawn
Eleanor: Okay, thanks dad.
Michael: Do you see me as a father figure, Eleanor?
Eleanor: No! If anything I see you as a bother figure, 'cause you're always bothering me.
Tahani: Hey, show your father some respect!
Eleanor: I did not call him dad.
Michael: No, no, Eleanor. I take it as a compliment.
Jason: It's not a big deal. I called Janet mom once, and she's my girlfriend.
Eleanor: Guys, jump on that. Jason has psycho-sexual issues!
Tahani: Old news. But you calling Michael daddy.
Eleanor: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Chidi: Well, you did call him dad.
Eleanor: You shut up. This meeting is about you lying for the first time in your life, man.
Chidi: Okay, I was lying about eating the last popsicle, but the dad thing happened.
Eleanor: A-ha! I got him to admit he was lying. It was all part of my crazy, devious plan.
Michael: I believed you-
Eleanor: Thank you!
Michael: -daughter. Would you like to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Eleanor: I'd like that.
Human Michael: *injured and bleeding severely*
EMT: Whats your blood type?
Human Michael: Blood? Oh, yeah, I have that. It’s red.
EMT: No, I mean what what’s your blood type?
Human Michael, getting increasingly confused: It’s red???
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Michael: So...you guys trust me, right? Chidi: Normally I’d say yes, but I feel like this is going somewhere and I‘m a little scared.
Michael: Look at you. Always working. What happened to my fun boss?
Shawn: Fun? I was never fun. You take that back.
Eleanor: How much could I possibly owe you? Fifty, sixty bucks?
Chidi: Two thousand, four hundred and thirty seven dollars.
Eleanor: Dollars?! Wait, of course dollars. Why was that the part I was surprised by?
