It couldnât be. He couldnât possibly be implying what Regulus thought he was.
ââYouâŚyou love me more than Sirius?!ââ he asks.
Jamesâs face scrunches in sadness. Oh. Right. He was right. It couldnât be. No one had ever loved him more than Sirius. He didnât stand a chance, him:quiet, mean, selfish Regulus against is perfect older brother, punk rock and confident. He was everything he wasnât and heâd always be. Even his own lover preferred his brother. He couldnât say it surprised him.
ââNo, Iâm sorry Reg. I canât chose between you two. I love you and Sirius equally, just differently.ââ James spoke threw Regulusâs spiraling.
ââEqually?ââ And Regulus truly seems astonished.
Was James being genuine or was he just taking pity on Regulus? Because this felt utterly unreal. No one had ever loved them equally. Theyâd always loved Sirius more. Their uncle Alfred, Andromeda, their father, Hogwarts⌠Their motherâŚ.
She had always acted like she loved Regulus more, at least when Sirius was around, but she wasnât capable of love. Regulus had learned that the hard way. He knew now she had always been more cordial to him only because he was to her. Too much of a coward to stand up to her. Sirius wasnât. Sirius was brave and courageous, rebellious. He wasnât scared of her. And in their motherâs eyes, Regulus could see that just like him, she longed for that kind of courage. Admired it even. No one had ever admired him, and certainly not his cowardice.
Regulusâs eyes were starting to fill with tears. James could tell he was spiraling. This wasnât good. Regulus tended to go too far when he did that. Before he had the chance to, James wiped a tear that had fallen on Regulusâs cheek and cupped his face.
ââHey! Look at me. ââ James whispered. He complied reluctantly.
ââYes Regulus, equally. I love you both more than anything on this earth. I donât love your brother more than you and I donât love you more than your brother because youâre both part of me. Each one of you little bastardsâŚââ-that earned James a little chuckle from Regulus-âââŚholds a piece of my heart. I need both pieces to live. And I know this might be hard to understand because youâre my boyfriend and heâs simply my friend. But I think you know just as well as I do that heâs way more than just any friend. I need him RegulusâŚand I need you. I love both of you equally and that is extremely extremely hard. Do you love Pandora less than me?ââ
ââNo.ââ , Regulus responded in a breath and he sounded so guilty about it, James just had to intervene.
ââAnd thatâs so fucking okay! I get it! If you need two person to make a human than you certainly need two to care for one. You need her Reg. Just like I need Sirius, just like we need each other. But you need someone whoâs like you: a mildly crazy introvert obsessed with cats and art.ââ
James laughs his quiet laugh, one of Regulusâs personal favorites. Although that ranking is not to be thrusted. They are all his favorites.
James starts softly moving his hand over Regulusâs face, caressing his knuckles over his cheek.
ââI need someone to help me with my ADHD and as much as I love you I donât think youâll ever be able to help me with that the way Sirius can. We both need them just as much as we need each other and that is okay. ââ
Regulus is now full on crying. Sobs leaving his mouth and tugging at Jamesâ heart. He knows it is not from sadness though. Regulus rarely cries when he is sad. He tends to when he is really angry or happy. In this moment, James hopes and believes it is the latter.
ââCome here youââ he says opening his arms for Regulus.
His boyfriend just about throws himself into his arms. James canât say he minds. God he loves him so much.
