If there’s one thing I can claim humans universally hate, it’s looking dumb and being at fault. Even just feeling that way is enough to set some of us off in some way. I haven’t met anyone who doesn’t resonate with this on some level. If this is just a psychologically ingrained behavior, it explains why we as humans are often resistant to taking accountability and admitting ignorance.
One of the most consistently discussed topics in the therapy and self-help worlds is the act of taking accountability. In essence, if you’re able to accept your faults and move on without taking it too personally, you can improve your relationships, confidence, and respectability.
However, it’s easier said than done. Often, the most beneficial changes are the hardest ones to incorporate into our lives in the long run. Simply put, most people would rather be in the right and know things and it’s all because of a combination of societal expectations and human psychology.
I’d argue that making the effort to hold back on closing off when you feel criticized or blamed and truly analyzing the situation instead of getting defensive or blaming yourself can help drastically improve communication and respectability. Think about it: Would you rather talk to someone who you always feel you have to watch your words around when you have a problem with something they did or someone you can actually confront and productively resolve a problem with?
Another interesting side effect of taking responsibility for your actions is that doing so often rubs off on others: You may find the people who are usually resistant to admitting fault will do so more often. You may even receive a deserved apology from otherwise stubborn individuals!
Lastly, you won’t have to add things to your emotional baggage. Admission leads to letting go. Seriously, who needs to sit there being annoyed and embarrassed at yourself that you were caught in the act of stealing sweets from the grab bowl consistently while you were supposed to be on a diet? How about not stewing in rage because a peer in your group at work outdid you and you blame yourself for not being more intelligent? That’s pretty lame to put that on yourself.
Personally, I am working on being less critical and defensive. It’s one of the traits of mine that drives me nuts honestly. There’s nothing more frustrating than someone doing something and acting like you’re the crazy one for doing it, but confronting the person by trying to get them to confess is pretty useless. Usually, they just get more agitated and then things blow out of proportion.
The opposite is when I actually am at fault but am approached in an accusatory manner. Instantly, I feel put on the spot and have the urge to defend myself. I don’t want to be judged! However, getting defensive garners the exact same result: I get agitated and things escalate. Productive communication or compromise is now out of the question, and now I’m angry and the other person is annoyed.
It’s difficult to put my pride and annoyance aside and actually face the problem with a clear mind. It’s even harder to admit fault in front of a person who loves to point out every little mistake you make. However, you take the power back. Saying “Yeah, I did do that.” usually disarms the person trying to get a rise out of you. Also, arguments never turn into full blown shouting matches when you just hold back your immediate reaction.
The trick here is a simple yet consistent exercise of awareness and reframing. Be aware of what’s being said, be aware of your emotions and thoughts, stop yourself there and rework your thinking. Putting your logical brain before your emotional brain is a hard skill to master, but a wonderful power to have. The most agreeable people possess this trait, and when faced with issues, lessons are actually learned and resolutions are made.
Honestly, the most important reason behind this claim is the impact it will have on your relationships and your self-perception. Learning when to accept fault, when to stand your ground, or when to just drop it and come back to it later not only gives you mental and emotional stability but also more agreeability. People will quickly learn that criticizing or blaming you does nothing more than get a simple “yes, I did that” or “no, that wasn’t me” and will not prime themselves for an altercation with you.
It’s amazing how far neutrally approached conversation can get a relationship. There’s less room for misunderstandings and pain, and more room to really unravel the issues that caused the confrontation in the first place. All in all, consider building this skill if you want to improve your relationships and emotional control.
And remember: more often than not, your mistakes are not a judge of your character, nor are they when another person points them out. It's annoying, yes, but it's a necessary way to communicate the need for compromise or resolve in a relationship.
