#secure relationships

love isn’t supposed to feel like a test

hi sweetheart, it's mindy. i know what it feels like to overthink love. to go from “this is perfect” to “what if it all disappears?” in a single heartbeat. relationship anxiety makes you feel like you have to earn love over and over again like one wrong move will make it all fall apart. but real love? the kind that’s healthy, safe, and meant for you? it doesn’t ask you to walk on eggshells. it doesn’t test you. it lets you breathe.

so let’s talk about this. how to stop sabotaging something good. how to trust love without feeling like it’s slipping through your fingers. because you deserve a love that feels soft, not like a battle in your mind. - mindy

✧˖° ➼ how to stop self-sabotaging in a healthy relationship

first of all, breathe. you’re not crazy, and you’re not broken for feeling this way. relationship anxiety isn’t about whether your relationship is “good enough” or whether you “love him enough” it’s about your mind struggling to trust stability.

if you’ve been hurt before, if love has felt unsafe, temporary, or uncertain in the past. your brain might be on high alert, waiting for the moment everything falls apart. but here’s the truth:

➼ love isn’t something you have to earn. it’s something you allow yourself to receive. ➼ fear doesn’t protect you from pain. it only steals your ability to enjoy the good moments. ➼ if he’s the loml, treat him like it. don’t let anxiety make you act like he’s your enemy.

✧˖° ➼ step 1: identify your fear loops

(if you can predict your anxiety, you can control it.)

relationship anxiety usually follows patterns. same thoughts, same triggers, same reactions. and if you can spot it before it spirals, you can stop it from controlling you.

✧ what are your intrusive thoughts? “he’s going to leave,” “he secretly hates me,” “i’m not good enough for him.” ✧ what triggers them? does it happen when he takes longer to reply? when you feel extra emotional? ✧ how do you react? do you pull away? over-apologize? test him to “prove” he loves you?

📌 homework: start keeping a relationship anxiety log. whenever you feel yourself spiraling, write down: → what triggered it → what you’re scared of → what actually happened after

this helps your brain realize that most of your fears never actually come true.

✧˖° ➼ step 2: separate anxiety from reality

(feelings aren’t always facts.)

anxiety lies. it makes worst-case scenarios feel like future certainties. so when you start spiraling, try this:

➼ pause. don’t react immediately. give yourself space. ➼ fact-check. what proof do you actually have that he’s leaving? ➼ reframe. instead of “he’s pulling away,” try “he’s probably tired” or “he’s just busy.”

💡 mantra: just because i feel anxious doesn’t mean something is wrong.

✧˖° ➼ step 3: stop testing his love

(love isn’t proven through survival. it’s shown through consistency.)

self-sabotage happens when anxiety tricks you into pushing him away to see if he comes back. things like: ✧ ignoring him to see if he notices ✧ picking fights just to see if he stays ✧ constantly asking if he still loves you

this might feel like “protection,” but it actually creates the instability you fear. instead of making him “prove” his love, try trusting what he’s already shown you.

💬 ask yourself: if i fully believed he loved me, how would i act? → then, act like that version of yourself.

✧˖° ➼ step 4: build emotional safety within yourself

(confidence in love starts with self-trust.)

if you don’t feel safe within yourself, no amount of reassurance from him will ever feel like enough. the goal isn’t to make him “prove” he won’t leave. it’s to make your own security unshakable.

try this: ➼ inner child check-in. if younger you believed love was unstable, remind her: “this is different. we are safe.” ➼ affirmations for security. “i am worthy of love, even when i’m anxious.” “i can trust love without controlling it.” ➼ hold yourself accountable. when you feel yourself spiraling, pause. don’t act on impulse. choose a response that aligns with the calm, secure version of you.

your relationship can’t be healthier than your self-trust. make it strong.

✧˖° ➼ step 5: communicate without fear

instead of bottling up your fears or acting out of anxiety, talk to him. not in a “please fix me” way, but in an “i want to grow with you” way.

how to express anxiety without pushing him away:➼ use “i” statements → instead of “you never text me,” try “i feel anxious when i don’t hear from you.” ➼ own your feelings, but don’t assume his intentions. tell him what you feel, not what he is doing wrong. ➼ ask for support, not solutions. let him know when you need comfort instead of logic.

💡 reminder: someone who loves you won’t get annoyed by your emotions. they’ll want to understand them.

✧˖° ➼ step 6: shift your focus back to you

if your whole emotional world revolves around him, anxiety will always feel like a threat. instead, build a life so full that your happiness isn’t dependent on his every text or action. this is important.

ways to ground yourself in your own life:➼ create rituals that are yours. a morning routine, hobbies, self-care habits that don’t revolve around him. ➼ spend time with other people. make sure your entire social life isn’t just him.➼ set personal goals. give yourself something to focus on outside the relationship.

📌 homework: make a list of 10 things that bring you joy that have nothing to do with him. then, do more of those.

✧˖° ➼ final thoughts:

(you deserve a love that feels like home, not a war zone.)

your anxiety isn’t trying to ruin your relationship. it’s trying to protect you from pain. but love isn’t supposed to be fear management. it’s supposed to be a space where you can feel safe, soft, and loved.

i hope this helped you, i don't usually make posts about relationships, but i'm so happy to start now. if you need any other tips from me please ask me!! <3 i also love researching about this topic <33

xoxo mindy

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We’re both divorced from 15+ year marriages. He and his ex divorced over 3 years ago and they co-parent 3 kids together. We all live in the same city (I moved here a few months ago) and she lives about 15 minutes from him. They have a rocky relationship where they still fight a lot about things with the kids and personal issues. She still talks about them making decisions as a family and he often problem solves for her, even though he complains about it. All of these dynamics existed in their marriage from what he’s told me. He doesn’t set boundaries about it, though I’ve talked to him about that and he says he’s going to try to do that more. He still struggles with having to see her and the house they used to live in to drop off kids, etc. (she got the house). I’ve talked to him about whether he’s fully processed their divorce and he’s basically told me there’s no fully resolving it until his kids are out of the house and he doesn’t have to coordinate with her and doesn’t have to regularly go back to his old house. That’s years away. He’s had unhelpful experiences with therapists in the past so asking him to go to therapy has been unsuccessful. He thinks it’s a waste of time and that he’s doing really well, all things considered. So, the issue: 6 months ago, while my boyfriend was very inebriated, we were looking at some pictures on his phone in the photos app in his “hidden” folder that is password/faceID protected. In the process of this and some irresponsible scrolling, I accidentally saw that he had several intimate pictures of him and his ex from several years ago when they were still married. It’s clear that they’re in bed, naked under the covers, likely post-sex. I didn’t talk to him about them at the time because I was kind of in shock, was upset, and I didn’t think it would help/change anything. I worried that he would likely just hide more things from me if I confronted him about it, particularly since I was upset about it. Also, I wasn’t really ready to hear whatever his response was until I processed it more myself. At the time, the discovery really sent me into a spiral of self doubt but I felt like it was just my thing to process and get over. I know he made a conscious decision within the past 1-1.5 years to keep these pictures because he’s gone through his entire photo collection in the past year and sorted them. He had to decide to keep these and file them in the hidden folder. Also, he didn’t know about or use the hidden folder until I showed it to him about a year and a half ago so it’s not as if they were already in the hidden folder. It’s also important to note that in order for us to be together long term, I’ve moved states and changes jobs, which resulted in a huge pay cut (like, 25% pay cut), so it’s really frustrating to be expected to make all of these changes to keep the relationship, but then have him keeping things like this that he wouldn’t tolerate me having. I’ve spent time processing this and am in a better place about it but it still bothers me that he had these pictures. Any thoughts on how to approach it or whether I even should?

Look, I know that no one wants to be told to break up, but I think it's important that you recognize "I don't feel secure in this relationship, my partner isn't giving me what I want or need, and he isn't interested in taking the steps I've requested in order for him to do so, and so I'm going to leave" is a valid choice. He doesn't need to agree with your assessment that he's not over his ex/hasn't processed the divorce for it to be the reason you leave.

What is the process and techniques of couple counselling?

What do you find difficult about couples counseling?

Sometimes a couple would come in for Couples Counseling when it was obvious that one or both were not invested in the relationship. At other times it was obvious that these two people would never be compatible.

The need to feel deeply connected to another person is a basic biological need for all humans. Couple Therapy can help you and your partner to find safe and meaningful ways to reconnect with each other and to support each others' growth. Having a healthy intimate relationship also enhances your emotional wellbeing.

What Is Relationship Counseling?