#personal confusion

But I still sometimes get them mixed up... Which is both frustrating and confusing for both me and others involved.

"You accept the love you think you deserve" This quote is my life... And always will be. I can't tell you how many times I come home at night thinking, I need to end this before he does, because if he ends it it'll be harder on me. But if I end it then I have no one to blame but me.. I think it'll be easier. Because I'm stupid for constantly agreeing to do everything for him, I'm 99% sure he's using me so I can take care of his job or just agree with whatever he says. Today I got thinking though, maybe he's so freaked out by me is because I remind him of hanna or I actually have things in common with him. I know that it's going to be over in 30 days and there are moments I'm 100% in at with that... Then other moment come and i get sad, I'm not even sure why I'm sad about it... We really don't have much of a connection. I think I'm intrigued because he would call me back time and time again even though I wouldn't sleep with him. Maybe because I like that he's straight forward and doesn't tolerate bull shit. I can tell you right now I don't love him and I never could...... But there's something that makes me think of him if I try to think of someone else. When I picture myself trying to hook up with someone I see myself crying and saying sorry I can't do this like I'm cheating or something... But I wouldn't be, so why? Because he kisses me perfectly? I mean that's all he goes right Sooo is that it? If that it then why? It makes 0 sense and I'm scared to never see him again after this semester. But I'm gonna let him do him... When he leaves he leaves, maybe in 5 years I'll run into him again, maybe... Do I accept this shitty treatment because I was never really treated right? Because I grew up very independent, and my first bouquet of flowers came from my aunt got senior graduation? Because my dad never told me I was beautiful... Is that why I can't accept it when people say I am? Why I don't believe them? I never had a relationship with my parents... Does that cause a factor? I've done everything everyone always asked, is that why I continue to do that today? Why I don't stand up for me because I was taught to just do it and deal with it. Is that why I'm attached to Matt? Because he doesn't treat me like a princess but like someone he's not gonna text the next day? I don't know and probably never will, but the question why will always remain