Escape Rock Bottom

Yeah I got major burnt out from school as well as getting hit by a Psychological Weirdness Event and took a break once school ended to recharge. I'll be posting blog posts regularly once again starting next Sunday. However, I definitely feel much better and I am glad to say I am one semester away from school! It's weird to think I'm so close to achieving a HUGE goal already. I'm also just generally excited for life.

Ah yes, overthinking. It’s a trap many of us have found ourselves in. It’s one of the things I seem to do constantly to the point I just want to scream at my brain to shut it because of the amount of stress it’s causing me. So, I’m going to be a bit ironic here and analyze it.

While I do agree that stepping back to think about a problem and its many nuances is a wonderful ability (that I wish more people would have, personally), there is a threshold that you cross and you’ll enter overthinking territory.

Overthinking is pretty much a state of thinking in which you feel the need to look into every detail of something, or possible solutions and problems to a situation. It is usually linked to negative thought patterns, but overthinking can occur over mundane or positive things. However, there’s always a sense of anxiety and intense focus regardless of the subject of your thoughts.

Something interesting I noticed is that overthinking seems to occur most in people with mental illnesses that cause mood instability or anxiety. It also seems to occur in people who have no mental illness symptoms but had an upbringing with an overprotective, cautious parent.

It makes sense, considering overthinking is a defense mechanism. The mind protects itself from making a bad decision by stopping to analyze, but our brains sometimes get a bit too silly and go overboard, leading to the analysis process extending past what would be normal.

The frustrating thing about overthinking is it’s habitual. Yup, if you continuously overthink, your brain will resort to doing so whenever a problem arises. It leads to indecisiveness and frustration, and causes issues within relationships.

This is one of those habits that can sadly ruin your mental state. Not only will you lose trust in your judgements, you will miss opportunities, lose motivation and focus, and slow us down. Overthinking about whether or not you’re a good artist and if it’s worth it to continue learning because you’re not too sure you have what it takes won’t get you to where you set out to be.

You will constantly limit your actual capacity if you worry about every step and detail as you learn and grow. This is where it gets a little backwards: In order to grow you need to understand where you’re failing and how to improve, which requires you to look at the details and steps right? Of course. The difference is how you look at them and how quickly you come to the conclusion.

Are you getting anxious about “missing something” or feeling inferior because you aren’t getting it? Are you getting frustrated because there’s something not going right and going over a thousand possibilities for why it’s not? Are you feeling the urge to quit because no matter how you look at the situation you’re never going to be good enough? That’s overthinking.

A general analysis of faults and where you need to grow is a quick process. It’s from a place of neutrality and genuine curiosity, not one of insecurity and worry. The difference between me researching all the details of how to pull off an art project in a medium I’ve never explored and the person who is researching the details of a project because they think they’re missing something that’ll give them a key to an awesome outcome they’re not getting is the emotions and intent behind it.

Understanding what’s overthinking and what’s not is important if you want to actually address the issue. Once again, it comes down to intent and emotion. If you feel anxious or frustrated about the thoughts, it’s probably overthinking. If you’ve been cycling through the same thoughts to the point you’re missing real life things and losing sleep, you’re definitely overthinking.

Let me be honest here, this is definitely something I need to work on. I’m getting better at seeing the whirlpool before I swim into it, but sometimes I lose sight of my thoughts and only realize it after I reach the point of no escape. However, I’ll give you this neat little tip for what I do when I either catch wind early or find myself spiraling:

Interrupt it. Tell the thought to screw off and move on.

It’s literally that simple. It’s a hard thing to do, but it’s that straightforward. There’s no metaphor, no hidden message, no strings attached. You need to intervene somehow and get your mind off of whatever the hell is driving you down the overthinking road.

Here’s a list of effective interrupters. Try them out and see which fit, some work better in certain states than others and some won’t do a dang thing, but it’s up to you and a lot of trial and error to find the useful ones:

Physically leave the area you are overthinking in. Take a breather and be mindful of your new surroundings and ignore any thoughts

Have a conversation with someone about something unrelated to your thoughts

Feed yer brain! Pick up a book, do some research for school, learn something new and interesting about something you’re passionate about that’s unrelated to your current negative thoughts

Mindless distraction until you have calmed down. Watch a show, browse the internet, work on a project, do something until your brain figures out you don’t care about its negativity and buggers off

Confront the thoughts. Directly tell them they aren’t worth your energy and stop “replying”. Imagine it like shutting out someone shouting at you.

Set a timer for “worry time” for 3 minutes. You have exactly 3 minutes now to think through your problem and engage with the thoughts and feel the feelings, and once the timer buzzes you are done and moving forward

Jump straight into the thing you are overthinking about. This one’s effective specifically when you’re overthinking tasks, projects, activities, and social situations that have little true negative effect. This requires you to slam the brakes on thinking and dive in to doing

Turn the negatives into positives. Instead of saying “if I try this thing I’m going to fail hard” say “I want to try, and I will learn something by doing so.” Basically, rewrite the story to where you’re the hero, not the victim. Be the guy who drew that thing to learn to draw, not the guy who can’t do art to save their life.

Personally, I use some combination of these things (some more than others) and I have learned which to do when and which are most effective. It also helps to understand what things you tend to overthink about and what situations you need to be prepared for.

I think it's pretty obvious that every human being is different in the way they experience and live their lives. Honestly, the world would be much more boring if we all thought and did the same. Due to this, however, it's pretty hard to give effective and foolproof advice in life. What may change someone's life may ruin another's and it's unrealistic to advertise advice as the end all do all “THIS WILL IMPROVE YOUR LIFE!!!!”

So, you wonder, if advice is that unreliable, who should you listen to? The answer is simple but difficult: Listen to yourself.

This is a truth that many people know but sadly rarely exercise. Only you know yourself better than others do. Only you can determine whether a diet or a lifestyle or a career fits you. While outside advice (and criticism) is helpful, you are your best (and often worst) judge. 

Figuring out how to effectively live your life requires both introspective skills, awareness, and experimentation. 

Introspection helps you to really dig in deep and see how you function. You don't need to analyze yourself from every possible angle, you just need to be able to look inwards and understand what affects you and why. This is a skill you can learn, but I have a feeling most people avoid developing it because realistically, it's a skill that requires you to dig through all your baggage.

This is a bit of a tangent, but shifting through all those shoved away feelings and memories can improve your mental state. A lot of the time we fear understanding ourselves because it means we need to face those deep dark corners of your mind. Regardless, being able to understand yourself allows you to know what you love and what you don't. I’d say it is extremely valuable to actually know those things as opposed to guessing and getting yourself in a difficult situation.

Awareness is moreso a general knowledge of things going on. While introspection requires deep thinking, awareness of yourself is surface level. Knowing what's generally going on in your head is a great way to figure out how to make decisions, or to gauge your reaction to something you did. I guarantee you, it's pretty easy to be unaware of what you think of something (I've done plenty of things without a second thought myself)

Experimentation is self explanatory. The more things you try, the higher the chance you find something that works great for you. It's also great to try things in general to break out of your comfort zone. However, when it comes to judging whether or not something works or you like it, you’d have to do it from a neutral point of view. It’s not productive to throw viable, reasonable options out of the window just because you had a negative view of it going in

To clarify, advice from others should be taken but don't fool yourself into believing something works regardless of whether it does or not, and be wary of harmful or useless advice. Sadly, not everyone knows what they’re talking about, and some people are spouting half-truths that result in a massive payout under the guise of counseling. 

Lastly, don't let people devalue or judge you because you do or don't adopt certain “successful behaviors”. While there are some behaviors that are considered more desirable and admirable, not wanting to wake up at an early hour of the day to exercise doesn’t make you any less of a person.

Boredom reaaaallyyyyyyy sucks. It’s an annoying state to be in and sometimes we find ourselves overcome with it in a way that borders on distressing. In fact, I’m writing this because I got bored and wanted to attempt to unpack what “boredom” is.

Boredom is a state of mind caused by a lack of stimulus that excites the brain. We can get bored by a wide variety of things, and the cures to boredom will vary from person to person, but the underlying state is pretty universal.

Chronic boredom is essentially the same as boredom, but lingers for longer than usual and tends to be harder to get rid of. Yep, some people are stuck feeling uninterested in things for a long period of time. This seems to be caused by psychiatric conditions, stress, and mundanity in life.

Speaking of mental conditions, boredom can actually be a symptom. Since boredom is caused by a lack of excitement from stimulus, you can imagine that depression, dissociative, and specific personality disorders could come with boredom in the package. With this kind of boredom, it’s usually chronic and uncontrollable.

One thing I definitely noticed is how boredom seems to come up in conjunction with negative emotions and states of mind. It seems that the more extreme the emotion, the greater the boredom and the more difficult it is to get out of it. This may be due to the brain being too focused on the negative thoughts and emotions to really process any other stimulus, leading to a direct disinterest in it.

Another interesting thing to note and unpack is boredom directed at your own life. It makes sense to be bored with things in your life, but being bored with life is a dangerous predicament to get into: You will become so uninterested you enter a cycle of instant gratification and lack of action towards any life goals. You become unfocused because why would you put your attention towards something that isn’t interesting to you?

The sad thing is that disinterest is difficult to diagnose. Is the problem that your life itself is boring, or is your life fulfilling but you’re in a period of depression that makes you feel bored of it? Or, is it a combination of the two, you’re depressed and your life bores you, but you don’t feel there’s anything you can do to feel fulfilled in any way?

Instant gratification becomes the new way you’d entertain yourself if you’re feeling bored with life and your goals. This could mean spending hours on the computer watching YouTube shorts and gaming videos just because you’re searching for some form of entertainment, or it could mean seeking other means of dopamine and adrenaline through intimacy, drugs, drama, or inducing danger.

These pose a huge health hazard. Even something as “normal” as browsing the internet, eating some takeout, or sex can become a giant issue in excess or even turn into an addiction if you seek it as a constant remedy for boredom. It becomes a strong, desirable habit. (And yes, internet addiction is pretty harmful. It’s no joke.)

While chronic boredom is a bigger, tougher beast to defeat, general boredom is pretty easy to combat. It’s simple but again, what would excite you will differ from another person so it will take a good deal of trial and error to build your personalized list of “Instant and Effective Boredom Cures”.

So, what can you do to find your potential cure for boredom?

Explore new things

Target the underlying causes for your negative state

Push yourself to meet new people or take on a project that could excite you

Don’t let your mind block your enjoyment! Thinking the thing will bore you will actually bore you regardless of if you enjoy the activity or not

Break the habits. Stop yourself from doing things you already do daily for a moment and replace the time with something new temporarily

Be spontaneous (in a reasonable way)

I think we've all experienced gaslighting before. Maybe even done it yourself to an extent. Or, you were unlucky enough to be the victim of a gaslighting manipulator. Regardless, you've likely experienced it.

Gaslighting is basically when someone tries to warp the perception of another through language and false memories. It’s a form of lying used to wear your confidence in your judgment down to the bone and cause you to affirm their word over yours. The goal the gaslighter has for doing this is often unknown to others, and the assumption it’s from a place of selfishness and an attempt to get what they want. 

You're not wrong if you think so, but the piece we seem to miss is why they do it. What I wanted to get at is the reason behind the behavior. To me, understanding the inner workings of someone who's manipulative helps me separate their negative actions from my self worth and perception. Let's just say I may have figured out the inner machinations of a gaslighter thanks to being in close proximity with quite a few.

Let's take a look.

There’s a variety of types of gaslighting with similar goals. The level at which someone will gaslight tends to increase as the relationship progresses, much like other types of manipulation. It's mainly because they want to gain your loyalty, but their behavior comes out the more comfortable they are with you.

Regardless of the variation of gaslighting you're facing, the internal reasons and battles are very similar: The person wants something to be perceived in the way that makes them look good without them needing to actually do good or take accountability. This perception is often attached to an emotion, memory, or action regarding themselves. 

They try their hardest to tell you how to feel, what to think, and how something happened and it’s often an attempt to gain some reassurance that they’re not in the wrong. They want to have your perception of themselves be one of no wrongdoing, but fail to realize their actions to receiving this confirmation are harmful in themselves.

Apparently, gaslighters are insecure people. They think negatively of themselves, and often drag a wagon of guilt, self-loathing and anxiety behind them in every relationship. They seek reassurance that they are not what they internally see themselves as, and rely on others to give them this.

Combined with this, gaslighters are extremely bad at taking responsibility. As you can imagine, this is likely a result of their inner guilt. To take responsibility is to blame yourself, and to blame yourself is to be at fault. Fault, in most people's eyes, is a mark against their “good person” record, and to insecure people their minds exaggerate the meaning of being in the wrong to being personal. 

The conflicting part of this is that they may feel pretty bad about lying. However, this is a purely internal battle – Rarely will this result in them apologizing to you. Instead, it results in them escalating the argument as their guilt for their lies and frustration with your lack of cooperation increases. Honestly, them getting upset with you seems more inwardly directed than it is caused by you.

Gaslighting seems to be more habitual than it is intentional. Most gaslighters start out intentionally manipulating (often without the knowledge they are doing so), gain results, and continue the cycle until it becomes second nature. Yeah, apparently it can go as deep as them launching into a fit of lies when you say something they interpret as criticism. They view criticism as an attack, after all, and are “trained” to react to any sign of it (intentional or not)

Since this is a habit, calling them out is sadly unproductive, and potentially even harmful. You got that right, telling a liar they’re a liar turns into you being the liar which is in fact them gaslighting away the accusations. The best thing to do is to be aware of people who are manipulative, and cut them out fast and set a strong boundary between you and them.

In the case you live with the gaslighter, learn to have a strong grasp on yourself. If they attempt to gaslight, feign ignorance or just flat out drop the conversation. Personally, my go-to is to tell them “This is pointless, isn’t it? I’m out.” They will understand that nothing they say will convince you, and will back off.

I have a feeling every living human being will (and has) experienced burnout on some level at some point in their lives. It’s that feeling of being absolutely drained of energy even though you haven’t been doing much for a while. It’s the feeling that you’re at your wit’s end when it comes to work, socializing, or personal care.

It’s almost similar to depression, but lacks the feelings of hopelessness, sadness, and despair that accompany depression. Basically, you just don’t have it in you to do any more. It’s a state that you can come out of, but the time you spend there will vary on how overworked you were.

Burnout is caused by intense stress of some sort. The stress could be physical, relationship based, work based, or even just caused by your own thoughts and emotions. Depending on how much stress you come under, the burnout can be more severe and even chronic.

Chronic cases seem to affect people under constant stress over a long duration of time with little breaks, and severe cases seem to affect those who are under more severe stress. Regardless, your mileage may vary — What causes me burnout may not affect another in the slightest and the duration of my burnout may not match that of yours.

What’s important here is to understand what causes you burnout and what helps you recover quickly and effectively. What’s also important to understand is how vital it is to your success, mental health, and general wellbeing to avoid completely running yourself into the ground.

Do the people who are always constantly under stress look happy to you? Do you feel they’re heading for their own rock bottom eventually? Do you think that their dreams and passion will die out the longer they push past their limits? Don’t get me wrong, there’s good stress and pushing past your comfort zone is the way to improve, but there is a DANGER! RED ZONE! when it comes to how much you push your boundaries.

Here’s a list of all the fun and wonderful things burnout can cause if you decide to ignore your needs!

Depression, anxiety, chronic stress, irritability, and a variety of mood disorders

Dwindling relationships and a lack of sociability

A constant feeling of dread when it comes to doing anything

Loss of momentum in work, school, self improvement

Loss of interest and effort put into work, school, relationships, or even your own family

Lack of self-care and hygiene

Mental and physical fatigue and a lack of energy

Okay, so how do you recover from or avoid burnout altogether? I hate to say it but the answer is not that simple since the exact methods will vary from person to person, but here’s a general small list of things you can try to avoid burnout:

Pace yourself and don’t take on more than you can possibly handle at once

Learn to prioritize and optimize your time. Some tasks will take more energy than others, so try to narrow down the most important ones and the easiest ones. Some people benefit from doing the smaller tasks first before moving on to the bigger ones. Some find doing the big ones first helps more. Then, there’s the option of breaking up the big task with smaller ones.

Avoid “busy work”, focus on “important work”. Busy work can be a distraction from what’s really important, and can cause you to feel too busy (because you kind of are)

Allow yourself mindfulness and self care time every workday, and wind down on your off days. Try not to pack your weekends full of things to do if you can avoid it!

Try giving yourself “do nothing” time at least once a week. Yep, you have nothing to do at that time. You can fill that time with hobbies, fun family activities, exercise routines, or anything that can help alleviate stress.

If you begin to feel overwhelmed, take a quick break. Recollect your thoughts, journal, or practice mindfulness to get yourself back together before you jump back in

As for recovery, it looks pretty similar to the avoidance tactics. Recovery will require a longer period of time to yourself in which you do not have any particular work to get done. It will also require that you focus on mindfulness, relaxation, and stress management. However, if you can avoid it, you wouldn’t have to worry about taking a bunch of time away from work!

Burnout is no joke. It’s a thing we all experience, yet no one really talks about it. We live in a time where working hard and pushing constantly is heavily rewarded and admired but we are not machines. We are flawed and limited human beings who need a dang break every once in a while.

One day, a harsh reality hit me like a crowbar slamming me square in the face: I don't have many friends. I literally only had three very close ones, and two of them were high school friends I haven't spoken to for years. As you know, humans are social creatures and rarely is someone truly content with little to no social interaction and friends.

I personally fall into the category of people who are highly social but prefer a handful of really good friends over a large amount of acquaintances. I'm also in the category of socially anxious shy dudes who are secretly extroverts and love a good conversation. I just find it insanely hard to approach people for a variety of reasons I discussed in more detail in a previous blog. To summarize, I overthink things regarding socializing.

Apparently, the answer is painfully straightforward: People tend to ignore you unless you approach them. It seems like 90% of your relationships exist because you approached first, and 10% are from them approaching you.

Also, people generally keep to themselves and assume that others do the same. In my case, my resistance to making eye contact and approaching people makes it seem a whole lot like I'm not interested in chatting regardless of my actual intentions and desires.

People can't read minds, but they're great at reading body language. The difference between me and most other people is that my body language rarely betrays my intentions, emotions, or thoughts. That in itself creates complications with communication.

In order to take the guesswork and misinterpretation out of social interactions, I have to verbally express my intentions. If I want to talk, I need to make it clear with a greeting. If I want to be left alone, I'd need to ask for space. In reverse, I'd need to ask the other person what they need and learn to understand general social cues.

Yeah I can argue its unfair that I have to put in so much work into socializing but I have to be honest with myself: Who doesn't? Most people struggle with relationships in a variety of different ways.

Alright, I know my problems, but what good is that without a potential solution to them? How do I extinguish my anxiety regarding approaching people without freaking myself out? I came up with one idea after trying a previous method and realizing that was a little too scary at that time:

Just say hi to people I am familiar with.

That's a full on entry level baby step to conquering my fear right there. About two weeks ago I set out to greet people with a short and simple "hi". As of writing this post, I have still been doing so. It's getting a bit easier, but I still struggle with it. However, I've met quite a few cool people and was able to have more conversations than before.

It's nice to feel like I'm connecting to people where before I just sat there being pathetically lonely even though people were reaching out and engaging with me. It's even nicer to know that most of my relationships grew distant because of my lack of reaching out to them. Yes, I previously lacked that awareness and I will admit it's knowledge I only recognized after 24 years of my life.

Once again, with most types of anxiety, the way to deal with and overcome it is to take small steps to face it. Ignoring it or shifting blame to some other circumstance doesn't help you conquer that anxiety. Since I know my anxieties mainly surround social interactions, I set discomfort challenges to put me in a position to face my fears, but I know plenty of people who suffer the same or similar anxieties in their life.

Something I hear a lot of people talk about (and complain about a lack of) motivation and passion. At first, the two concepts are interpreted as interchangeable or codependent. They kind of are similar, but I realize that they are standalone concepts.

Passion is defined as a strong emotion (usually love or happiness) towards a specific thing. Passions vary in their application from being passionate about your significant other to being passionate about an idea for example. Passion is more of an emotion than it is a mindset, and much like any emotion, you cannot easily force yourself to feel it.

Motivation is defined as the desire to take action on an idea or goal. Motivation is found for mundane tasks as well as ambitious ones: You get motivated to finish your chores and drive to the mall as well as motivated to build a career and purchase a house. Motivation is a mindset that you can control, and you can make yourself motivated whenever you need it most.

Of course, these two ideas can affect one another and even work together. For example, if you are passionate about woodworking but also have the drive to do so often, you become fairly productive with producing projects. Or, if you are motivated to start a business, you may develop a love for all things business.

However, they can definitely function on their own. You don’t need to love something to get it done nor do you need to feel the need to do anything with the stuff you love. Combining them only gives you a “superpower” that can lead to you enjoying something while being productive with it. If your passion happens to be a career or business that you’re motivated to build, you can find immense success.

I see far too often people claiming they just aren’t passionate about what they do, or that they lack the motivation to do much. Of course in the view of mental illness, that is rather difficult to deal with since the issue is often something going on internally. Sometimes people without mental illness are burdened with other life events that push them into a corner and cause them to lose drive and emotion towards their goals.

Yeah, your problem just may be that you have other pressing matters to deal with, not that you can’t be driven and happy about the things in your life! If you look at your life and find that this is the case, you may benefit from taking some time to work out the things that are dragging you back (You can always ALWAYS find time to care for yourself)

Learning how to control your mindset is a great ability if you wish to get motivated. Motivation is not something you come across, it’s a state you enter. Remember that the next time you say “I’m just not in the mood to do this chore” that you can set a 10 minute timer and tell yourself you CAN do the chore in 10 minutes and just be done after the timer ends. You may find that you now want to beat the timer and get motivated to do so, the chore becomes a fun little game. There’s other ways to get into a motivated mindset, but that’s the one I use (it's just more fun, honestly)

Passion is a harder thing to find, but it’s easier to love things when you explore them with an open mind that’s not clouded with doubt or distracted by other stressors. I noticed something interesting about picky people who try new things: Going in with the anticipation of disliking it will lead to them disliking it. Be neutral when you engage in new things, and be consistent with doing so. You’re more likely to find a passion if you try 100 things versus 10.

Lastly, don’t forget that you don’t need both to exist as a happy human being. I know plenty of people without intense and specific passions who are pretty dang happy. They run on motivation to get where they need to be, and never let themselves feel useless because they don’t have a passion.

The same goes for passionate people: They are happy but don’t seem to have any consistent motivation. These are the creative people who make the things we love to read, watch, listen to, and buy. I fall into this category, personally, I love to do a whole lot but my motivation is painfully inconsistent or crops up in places that aren’t too convenient. (Yay, weird neurology!) Working on that.

There’s a last category, which contains the people we tend to admire and take advice from: The people who are consistently motivated to do what they love. Motivation fuels their passion, and their passion fuels their motivation, and so on. These are the people who tend to make a change and fail to bend in adversity.

Alright, it’s time to get into the concept a majority of self help gurus love to throw around: Self-discipline. This concept is one that I both agree with and disagree with, depending on its usage and meaning.

If you’re not familiar, discipline (by definition) is the act of obeying rules, a code, or a behavior or to deliver punishment for failure to do so. Self discipline is holding yourself to specific rules you set and being able to stay on track with those rules and holding yourself accountable.

Self-discipline is a skill that requires practice, diligence, and time. Not everyone can achieve consistent self-discipline, and I think it’s down to the fact that it’s pretty much the equivalent of a system of habits. As we all know, habits are hard to make and harder to break, and making and upholding a system of habits you do consistently is difficult.

If you want to build self discipline, you need to understand how to effectively build and keep individual habits. The book, Atomic Habits by James Clear, picks this idea apart in a way that I find easily digestible (and pretty effective) if you want to learn how to build and break habits, but in short:

Make it easy to access the habits you want to build and keep

Make it hard to access the habits you want to break

Don’t try to do too much at once, even a small change can make a massive difference in the long run

Instead of quitting and beating yourself up when you miss a habit you wish to keep, start back up and continue the next day

So what’s my problem with self discipline being so glamorized? In concept it sounds attractive, as it’s the very thing many highly effective, successful, admirable people manage to have. However, much like therapy, medications, jobs, and lifestyles, what works for one doesn’t work for all. Hate to say it, but self-discipline is useless for some, and can be damaging to others. Some people can function well without a need for a system of habits, and others need it to stay on track. Some find it suffocating, and others find it alleviating.

The biggest problem, however, is how the gurus and successful people seem to put people with self-discipline on a pedestal, leaving those without to envy it, chase it, or feel bad about themselves for lacking it. Seriously, do you think every human was made to be guided in that way? Or do we like the freedom to build our lives in the ways that help us find our own individual paths of success and systems to get there?

I do agree that building good habits is important, but living your life doing things the same way or depriving yourself constantly is not only unsustainable but depressing to most. What you should be doing is killing your bad habits, building good ones, and learning to do the things that make YOUR life easier, not what makes someone else’s life easier.

If you’re like me and seem to function better with rigid planning and schedules, then yeah. Give self-discipline a shot, it may focus your mind and efforts on the things that push you forward. If not, find a working and more relaxed habit system for yourself that helps you achieve goals and efficiency without feeling suffocated in rigidity.

Lastly, don’t let anyone devalue you (or make you feel devalued) for not being self-disciplined. It’s pretty lame to put others down because they do a thing they perceive as the habits of the ultra successful. To be frank, not everyone wants to do the same 8 things every single day without fail and they shouldn’t feel bad about that. If that’s not you, then don’t be them!

Besides, I doubt every single ultra successful person is strictly powered by unbreakable discipline. You don’t need to be a “productivity machine” to be successful or happy if it doesn’t suit you. You are no less effective without the self-discipline the gurus push to others. You need passion, drive, and focus to get you where you need to be, and those things can be found outside of the world of self-discipline.

How many times have you looked back in life and thought “Dang, I’m sad I missed that opportunity. If only it came at the right time…” Yep, the infamous poor luck opportunity issue many people face daily! I promise you, there’s a lot of opportunities I regret not taking, and a lot more I just wasn’t ready to jump on only to do it much later and regret that I didn't do so sooner.

I get it, life happens and we can’t sit here stewing on all the missed opportunities in life. Sometimes, it’s a matter of things turning out okay in the long run even without taking the opportunity that you had your eyes on. (Some people call that fate, luck, or destiny. I call it “your life’s path”) However, I bet you wished you took an opportunity long, long ago, and ended up doing it much later.

I realized that a constant issue I see in both my peers and myself is the sentiment of “appropriate timing” when it comes to things we do in life. This can be things from a relationship to a job opportunity to a chance at a luxury – it pretty much encompasses anything you need to say “yes!” to. People often claim “I need to wait for the right time.”

An interesting thing to note is that time and opportunity doesn’t come up when it’s convenient. They just do their own thing, and it’s on us to utilize them. My point here: It’s not a matter of timing. It’s a matter of your (controllable) mindset.

Yep, I’m saying that it’s not that the opportunity is inconveniencing your life, but rather you’re not ready for that life change. You not being ready will inevitably lead to rejecting the offer, and you being only halfway invested leads to you putting it off. You being ready for the change will lead to you celebrating with a thousand “yes-es” as you take hold of the opportunity. 

You possess the power of making an opportunity appear at the right time. You just need to find it and accept it.

Not going to lie here, most of the time we say an opportunity is poorly timed, we’re just in the middle of a life event that our brains are focused on. For example, you have a secure, stable job and an opportunity for your dream job comes up. You’ll reject it because you’re not in the right mindset to make a drastic and risky life change. 

In line with this is the fact that some opportunities are completely inconvenient and badly timed, like a long-term crush confessing their feelings for you when you’ve moved on and been in a committed relationship with someone else – these are the ones that are best left to pass unless you genuinely feel like rocking the boat in hopes of a better outcome from taking it. 

My point here is it’s important to both understand how to seek opportunities, be mindful of how you feel about them and how they will affect your life in the long run, and take action (regardless of its timing) if you truly 100% believe it can change your life for the better. Worse case scenario, it doesn’t work out. Best case scenario? Your life heads in a completely new positive trajectory.

What's one thing you're passionate about? How did you discover it? Or, what's your profession and life’s motivation? When did that life path open itself to you? How predictable were those journeys? Did anyone, including yourself, expect you to go down the path that you did? These are questions I always seem to ask people because it’s genuinely intriguing. However, it does present an interesting thought. 

Now, picture your current self telling your past self about your biggest life achievements and dreams and passions. Would the past version of you believe it?

Our lives tend to be crazy and unpredictable. Most of us start down one path and end up somewhere different. You don't see the direction it will go until you look at it in hindsight: It makes sense that you got where you are and how you did so, but when you began the journey you wouldn't see the path so clearly. I'm willing to bet you don't really think about how you got to the place in life that you are now. (I sure don't until someone asks me about it) 

There’s a concept called “the butterfly effect” that directly encompasses this idea. It basically refers to the concept that one small action can lead to a chain of events that lead to one single outcome. For example, in my real life, my sudden interest in barges led to me building a business and moving towards becoming self-reliant. One small event can lead to big changes. Think about it, what's one small thing you did that made a giant impact when you look at it in hindsight? How benign did that decision seem at the time?

Sometimes, finding a new passion can send you down a different path suddenly. Human beings are, by nature, in need of guidance and purpose. To some people, their passions can drive them forward in life, and becoming truly invested in something can turn you into an unstoppable force! Passions and interests can be anything from activities to studying a specific topic or even something as niche as making scale model barges out of paper or metal. Yeah, you can find an interest or passion in just about anything!

If you have passions, hobbies, or interests that seem to take you nowhere, consider what tangible skills you gained from them. That way, you can apply them to another area in life that would require them. Apparently, my passion for making models directly translated to the fabrication and 3D design trades. I didn’t expect that.

One thing that I learned in life is how to find a purpose when you don't have one. Before, I would discard any idea that didn't fit things I was good at, enjoyed doing, or had a pre-existing interest in. While it is a nice idea to build a career based on things you know or have knowledge in, you sometimes end up with limitations in choices, or the risk of killing your passion by making it a job. 

The easy way to circumvent that is to look for things that are somewhat related to the skills you gained from your hobbies and passions. Usually, they are just similar enough for you to enjoy them, but different enough that you feel it’s something neW and separate from the things you cherish or use to relax. 

If there’s one thing I can claim humans universally hate, it’s looking dumb and being at fault. Even just feeling that way is enough to set some of us off in some way. I haven’t met anyone who doesn’t resonate with this on some level. If this is just a psychologically ingrained behavior, it explains why we as humans are often resistant to taking accountability and admitting ignorance.

One of the most consistently discussed topics in the therapy and self-help worlds is the act of taking accountability. In essence, if you’re able to accept your faults and move on without taking it too personally, you can improve your relationships, confidence, and respectability.

However, it’s easier said than done. Often, the most beneficial changes are the hardest ones to incorporate into our lives in the long run. Simply put, most people would rather be in the right and know things and it’s all because of a combination of societal expectations and human psychology.

I’d argue that making the effort to hold back on closing off when you feel criticized or blamed and truly analyzing the situation instead of getting defensive or blaming yourself can help drastically improve communication and respectability. Think about it: Would you rather talk to someone who you always feel you have to watch your words around when you have a problem with something they did or someone you can actually confront and productively resolve a problem with?

Another interesting side effect of taking responsibility for your actions is that doing so often rubs off on others: You may find the people who are usually resistant to admitting fault will do so more often. You may even receive a deserved apology from otherwise stubborn individuals!

Lastly, you won’t have to add things to your emotional baggage. Admission leads to letting go. Seriously, who needs to sit there being annoyed and embarrassed at yourself that you were caught in the act of stealing sweets from the grab bowl consistently while you were supposed to be on a diet? How about not stewing in rage because a peer in your group at work outdid you and you blame yourself for not being more intelligent? That’s pretty lame to put that on yourself.

Personally, I am working on being less critical and defensive. It’s one of the traits of mine that drives me nuts honestly. There’s nothing more frustrating than someone doing something and acting like you’re the crazy one for doing it, but confronting the person by trying to get them to confess is pretty useless. Usually, they just get more agitated and then things blow out of proportion.

The opposite is when I actually am at fault but am approached in an accusatory manner. Instantly, I feel put on the spot and have the urge to defend myself. I don’t want to be judged! However, getting defensive garners the exact same result: I get agitated and things escalate. Productive communication or compromise is now out of the question, and now I’m angry and the other person is annoyed.

It’s difficult to put my pride and annoyance aside and actually face the problem with a clear mind. It’s even harder to admit fault in front of a person who loves to point out every little mistake you make. However, you take the power back. Saying “Yeah, I did do that.” usually disarms the person trying to get a rise out of you. Also, arguments never turn into full blown shouting matches when you just hold back your immediate reaction.

The trick here is a simple yet consistent exercise of awareness and reframing. Be aware of what’s being said, be aware of your emotions and thoughts, stop yourself there and rework your thinking. Putting your logical brain before your emotional brain is a hard skill to master, but a wonderful power to have. The most agreeable people possess this trait, and when faced with issues, lessons are actually learned and resolutions are made.

Honestly, the most important reason behind this claim is the impact it will have on your relationships and your self-perception. Learning when to accept fault, when to stand your ground, or when to just drop it and come back to it later not only gives you mental and emotional stability but also more agreeability. People will quickly learn that criticizing or blaming you does nothing more than get a simple “yes, I did that” or “no, that wasn’t me” and will not prime themselves for an altercation with you.

It’s amazing how far neutrally approached conversation can get a relationship. There’s less room for misunderstandings and pain, and more room to really unravel the issues that caused the confrontation in the first place. All in all, consider building this skill if you want to improve your relationships and emotional control.

Here’s an interesting psychology concept that might answer why many people have failed at lasting progress in therapy and self improvement: Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Maslow claimed that certain human needs are to be met before true self improvement can be achieved, and it may explain why some of us feel we’re missing something and can’t move forward.

To explain Maslow’s concept in short, our needs as individuals must be met almost like a sort of checklist before moving to the next and finally becoming our best selves. In order, they are: Physiological needs → Safety needs → Love and belonging → Esteem → Self-actualization.

What are these needs, exactly? To break it down:

Physiological needs are the basic human survival needs: air, water, food, sleep, reproductive, clothing/warmth, and shelter

Safety needs are connected to our sense of safety: job security, personal safety, reliable access to resources, health, and secure home

Love and belonging is essentially how we connect to the world around us: friendship, intimacy, family, and  a general sense of connection

Esteem, which is your sense of self valuation in your accomplishments, personality, and status. It also encompasses your feelings of strength and freedom

Self actualization can be best described as what self-help and therapy is attempting to help you reach: The best version of yourself

I definitely see some legitimacy to this hierarchy of needs. I didn’t seem to move on because my sense of safety and security was lacking. My own mental illness caused a sense of fear, insecurity, and hopelessness. Once I gained control of my mind, everything else moved into place.

Analyzing many others’ self improvement journeys alongside my own in the context of this concept, something interesting comes up. What seems to happen is you build a basic, functional framework to reach the self-actualization stage, then begin working backwards to optimize the things that support us in life, whether that be weeding out bad relationships or finding a job that doesn’t kill your autonomy and joy or even changing your diet. 

In essence, to achieve your best self, you need to reach a point in life where you can really deeply think about yourself and your life, and then where to improve it. Then, you must go backwards with hindsight to rebuild and strengthen your foundations. You can’t get to a place in which you become aware of yourself if you’re too focused on getting other things missing in your life. 

Another interesting thing to note is how an event can launch us backwards. A less extreme example is how when I get super hungry, I can’t seem to care about working, socializing, or working on myself. All I can think about is “I NEED FOOD NOW!” Eventually when I eat, I’m able to focus on those other things. Same thing goes for when I get consumed by negative thoughts like “I think I suck, so why should I improve?” Getting out of that way of thinking allows me to move forward.

The same goes for bigger life events. When that life event is a recurrent mental condition, chronic physical ailment, sudden job loss, being suddenly consumed by negative thoughts or losing your friends and family, you’re set back. You can’t improve yourself because you are now focused on the things you lack. If the event becomes a long lasting situation, you lose your momentum. You’d have to rebuild from the stage you’re at in order to get back on track. 

Then, there’s the people who don’t feel they need to climb the ladder because of limiting beliefs or genuine contentment. The idea seems useless to them so they stay where they are in life (If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, they’d say). These are the people all the gurus and therapists use as an example: The ones who never achieve the things they want because they refuse to take action and move forward.

Some people really are happy like that and that’s cool, but if you’re trying to improve yourself it’s a huge roadblock to your success. 

I’ve talked about my previous resistance to approaching new people in the past, but I felt I should dedicate a post to this specific concept. My fear of rejection isn’t the only thing holding me back. A certain wide-spread yet innocuous quip is another major factor.

How many times have you heard someone complain about how much they hate when someone bothers them when all they want to do is engage in their own world? How often have you made a joke about how you see someone walk in and you beg that they don’t try to speak to you? How about the times you’ve seen those quirky, edgy shirts with some form of “don’t bug me” plastered in massive block letters people often wear as a sort of half-joke?

I know I have, many many times. Like a record on repeat, I hear the same exact thing but packaged in a variety of different ways: “DON’T BUG ME.” While it’s not apparent what problem I could have with this statement, the inherent message I get from it is “Leave me alone, you are irritating me with your existence.”

That may seem like a leap, but I don’t think it’s much of one. Realistically, it’s what the phrase literally means. You can imagine what thinking you’re being told you’re bothering someone by approaching them does to someone who’s an anxious, people-pleaser type: You learn to fear doing so in hopes you won’t bother others.

The glaring problem here is that avoiding people = not socializing and waiting on others to approach first. Like opportunities, good relationships don’t often just drop themselves in your lap, ready to go. You have to seek and build them, and you will have to take just as much risk and effort as others do to do so.

Thinking about it, I can’t say that my interpretation of “Don’t bug me” is 100% accurate. I’d be a huge hypocrite if I were to say I never do or think the same in regards to other people. While I only know the reasons behind why I and a select few other people spew this message (thanks to asking them), I feel its enough to make a sound observation:

I’m overthinking it and misconstruing the message. Yes, there’s a good few people out there who 100% mean they want to be left alone 24/7, but the amount of people like that is possibly extremely small. The rest of society seems to use “Don’t bug me” in ways I initially didn’t consider.

Here’s what they may actually be saying:

“I’m busy right now, please don’t interrupt me.”

”I’m not in a good mood/mindset. I know I will react negatively if I am approached right now, please give me space.”

”I’m socially anxious. I do want interaction, but it causes me great distress when I’m ‘put on the spot’. However, I’d much rather NOT be alone”

“Please don’t just approach me to get something out of me. It’s happened far too often.”

”It’s just a silly phrase. I’m actually really social but I have a strange sense of humor”

”I’m in a current period of distress. Everything sucks, I suck, the world sucks, need I go on?”

”Everyone else is saying it.”

Rarely does the reason actually align with you in particular being the subject of their annoyance. It’s the situation happening at an unexpected or inconvenient time, or a need to set a boundary.

It’s not a bad thing to set boundaries. If someone sets boundaries against you, it's not rejection but rather protection. I get self conscious about something that isn’t even about me in particular, but rather a complex set of circumstances. It's a waste of time, opportunity, and energy to interpret the message the way I do.

I know I’m going to have to reframe how I interpret people’s messages. I can be far too literal (yay, weird neurology!) and people’s messages hold meanings and emotions that often complicate it far more than what’s seen at face value. In essence, when the phrase is used, people appreciate being approached and mean it as a joke, or are just occupied or in a bad mood.

In summary, to whoever needs to hear it: Stop overthinking it and don’t take it personally. Your fears that you are a source of frustration are often not reality. If you get turned away with an “I’m busy can we talk later?” or receive a short response, it doesn’t mean this is a sign to not try ever again. It’s merely the other person communicating and not an attack on you personally.

I understand it’s hard to face rejection socially for some people, but it becomes easier when you detach yourself from it: 

You’re not being rejected, the proposition of an interaction at that specific moment is being rejected. 

A boundary is being set. 

The person is expressing their unwillingness to move forward in a relationship. 

A subtle effort to reschedule the interaction is being made. 

People are not unlimited in their availability and attention so an unanswered message or approach is bound to happen. 

Mood/State: Happy, relaxed, satisfied, enthusiastic, accomplished

Finally got through to scheduling a date for something I wanted to do for YEARS and I’m also pretty happy to have finished my classes. Only 5 more to go, should be done by August this year :)

As for completing this challenge, holy crap I am proud of myself and I kinda surprised myself. Now I know mentally ill, chronic pain-burdened people with no income or will to face the world can change given enough effort lol. Told ya, negative, hopeless past me! It did get better.

Difficulty level for today (out of five): ⭐

What's on the menu? (Diet):

- Breakfast: Egg and Canadian bacon breakfast sandwich

- Lunch 1: Quesadilla with cream cheese

- Lunch 2: Yogurt with granola

- Dinner: Green beans, quinoa, sweet potato, chicken (oh god this is GOOD)

- Snacks: Protein bar, yogurt with granola, crackers, granola bar, trail mix

Exercise: 30 minutes Pilates session

Mindfulness: 15 minutes mindful art project session

Journaling: link to today's post about my biggest, most persistent negative thought 

BONUS JOURNAL!: Link to my reflections, discoveries, and plans moving forward from the DRVN30 challenge

Extra personal habits: 

Write book: ✅

Coding lessons: ✅

Read: ✅

Accountability: If this post is not up before 11:59 March 2nd (MST) then I failed this habit.

Challenge tip of the day:

Don’t celebrate until after you’ve succeeded. That’s the easiest and most frustrating way to fail at something you worked hard for. However, take time to revel in your accomplishments after you’ve achieved them, for you have earned them and deserve to praise yourself. 

Screen time:

Extra cool fun fact: I did use some physical trackers of my own for this. It's pretty satisfying to see everything checked off :)

This challenge has to go up on my list of Hardest Things I Ever Done. It’s a challenge full of discomfort and frustration and limitation. It’s a challenge that went against my previous lifestyle and pushed me far out of my comfort zone. The challenge itself isn’t hard nor were the habits. Not one bit. 

The challenge was maintaining and learning focus, motivation, habitual, and memory skills that I didn’t have prior to the challenge. The challenge was making yourself do the required tasks even though you’re tired, in pain, and just want to sit down and play a game while eating some chips because you’re so mentally drained. 

Honestly, thanks to my mental illnesses, doing this challenge is far harder than it would be for someone who isn’t burdened by dissociative episodes that completely disrupt the day-to-day in an uncontrollable way or the chronic pain that gets so bad sometimes I literally faint and pass out and can’t manage to move for hours.

These are real deal issues and not "just excuses", but sadly I eventually turned them into excuses. I lacked the discipline to get back into motion as soon as possible after I recovered. The episodes quickly became week-long “off days” in which I just didn’t do anything useful.

The biggest things I learned are: 

How to knock off using my illnesses as an excuse when I have flare-ups

How to manage recovering after flare-ups and getting back into reality

How to directly combat and manage symptoms of my illness when they come up to lessen the impact and consistency of flare-ups

How to build and maintain good habits 

How to be consistent with habits

Memory hacks to improve memory

These habits are actually way nicer than my old lifestyle. I actually enjoy the benefits of them.

I do have discipline

The most interesting thing I noticed from this challenge is just how much I used social media, general media, and junk food as a coping mechanism. While there’s no issue in watching a movie with friends or indulging in sugary goodness when you had a shit day, the frequency at which I did it was remarkably concerning lol. 

I found that when I get bored and am tired, I tend to entertain myself with the thing that has the least resistance, which happens to be YouTube. When I get bored, hungry, and tired, I turn to easy to grab junk food. If there’s anything I know about myself, it’s that boredom is an extremely distressing state of being. Somehow, it’s worse than being overwhelmed but that’s just me. What I learned to do instead is learn to be okay with less stimulus and pick up one of my projects or do something productive to combat boredom.

I don’t really even miss social media. I realized just how BORING and useless it is. I do miss music though lol. Sometimes I just really want to listen to something because too much and too little silence is distressing, but that’s just a weird neurology thing.

The exercise habit was extremely exhausting, a combination of working long hours with little rest on off days, easy muscle fatigue, poor nutrition and fitness, and chronic pain. However, I enjoyed the results both mentally and physically. (I apparently gained some muscle and lost fat without even trying to thanks to the diet and exercise)

Changing my diet and exercising helped lessen the severity of my chronic pain, increased my fitness, and surprisingly took the severity of my migraines. Yeah, today I had a bad one, did some exercise, and the sucker was gone. Interesting.

While there are limits and a lack of freedom for the rules with some habits that I will have to adjust, I actually do like the system. Moving forward, I will be continuing the DRVN30 habits (though the rules will be modified to better fit my personal needs). I also liked the idea of the “discomfort challenges” so I will set new ones to accomplish every month. 

I will be turning down the blog post frequency to twice a week because honestly, once a day is excessive and super difficult and causes my posts to lack true quality (in my own opinion). It’s just unsustainable. I will also be keeping my daily tracker journals to myself and giving end-of-month overviews of habits and achievements and whatnot.