#implied kisaita

From Tobi:

How long do you boil water for hard boiled eggs?

How long do you boil eggs for soft boiled eggs?

Is there a thing like medium boiled eggs?

Do we have eggs?

Where are the eggs at?

Have you seen my cloak?

Have you seen my gloves?

Have you seen my sandals?

Have you seen Zetsu today?

You left your piece of pie in the refrigerator for 3 days can I eat it?

Do ladybugs have toes?

((early morning)) Do you ever think about how we’re all just wiggly spirits wearing suits made of skin and bones and teeth and hair?

From Hidan:

Fucking Kakuzu getting on my fucking nerves today!

Wanna go half on a pizza?

Ditch that mission with the puppet, it’s hot let’s go swimming.

My shampoo is half gone let me find out it was you who used it asshole!

Did u see how Uchiha limped outta the shark’s room 😏?

I accidentally took Konan’s bra from the laundry room n now I’m scared to give it back bc she’ll beat my ass like last time 😓.

From Itachi:

Did you take my face cream?

Did you take my lotion?

Did you eat my dango from the fridge?

Do you have the $20 you owe me?

Where did you put my sandals?

Are you the one who left that drawing of me and Kisame on the bathroom door?!

From Obito (using a fake number):

You’re so beautiful.

That puppet doesn’t deserve you.

I would treat you like a king.

I’ve been in love with you since the day I met you.

Every time I see your face my heart sings with joy and pain. Joy from the miracle of your existence, pain from knowing I will never have you.

What? No! Who is this “Tobi” you speak of??

From Konan:

Face masks tonight?

Made brownies you want one?

Can you come help me paint my toenails?

Did you borrow my leave in conditioner?

Quick come to my room I have some hot “tea” from Konoha !!

From Kakuzu:

Rent’s due.

You either kick in for your share of the utilities or I’m cutting your lights off tonight.

You and Hidan get your asses downstairs and clean up all this mud you tracked into the house!

Start picking up your food and drinks or I’m putting you outside. You are attracting ants. We can’t afford the bug guy again.

If I step in one more wad of clay I’m throwing it all in the trash!

Please cease your attempts to set Tobi on fire. We can’t afford hospital bills OR a lawsuit.

Fuck no. I can barely feed you little brats. A dog is out of the question!

I just got this months phone bill. STOP PLAYING ALL THOSE DAMN GAMES BRAT! That phone is for BUSINESS COMMUNICATION only!!

From Nagato: 

Where’s your mission report?

Mission report due IMMEDIATELY.

We need to talk about the grievances Tobi has brought to my attention.

Don’t lie: were you and Hidan the ones who put black hair dye into my shampoo bottle?

Stop giving our address to food delivery drivers. This is a HIDEOUT. We are supposed to be laying low.

From Zetsu:

The next time you decide to set off a bomb in a public place can you be considerate enough to ASK whether I was planning on eating any of the people first?! 

From Kisame:

Come help me scale these fish and you can have some when I cook them.

Like a double date? Sure. But only if you swear to be nice to Itachi.

No. Samehada is not a toy.

I don’t care kid, make Itachi cry again and I’m biting your head off.

Swimming?

It’s not chocolate it’s a protein shake.

From Sasori:

Already said No. Stop begging.

Dinner tonight?

You left your shirt in my room.

Stop asking me to rate your selfies. I’m a busy man. And they all look the exact same.

Only if you agree to wear a hairnet or something. I’m not spending an hour picking blonde hairs out of my sheets like last time.

Oh come on, please? You’d be the centerpiece of my entire collection!

No. Stop being lazy and write your own mission report.

I miss you. 

Did you spill juice on that puppet? It’s all sticky.

Kakuzu said No? What’d you do to piss him off?

Deidara and Hidan: Home Alone (1990)/Home Alone 2: Lost In New York (1992)

These two go crazy for these two classic movies. As they’re often shown on tv back to back, when they’re on, they will camp out in the living room with a plethora of snacks (and a couple of Plain Cheese pizzas, a la Kevin McCallister) and watch. Hidan is more so a fan of HA 1, while Deidara prefers its sequel. They tried to watch Home Alone 3 once but couldn’t even make it 30 minutes into the movie, it was so awful. While they watch, they like to talk about the tricks and traps that THEY would have set for the burglars, as well as various ways of “punishing” them for attacking their home (which, in Deidara and Hidan’s case, would be the hideout).

Itachi: The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)

The dark fantasy-like world of this movie really appeals to Itachi, which is why it’s his favorite Christmas movie. He knows every single song in the movie word for word, and loves to sing along to them, changing his voice to match the character’s voice(s). He high-key relates to Jack Skellington and his feelings of discontent and wanting something new and different in his life. Managed exactly (1) time to get Kisame to dress up as Sally the rag doll and sing the romantic ending scene-song with him 🥺

Sasori: The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

A classic Christmas story, told with a cast that’s 90% made up of puppets. Is it any wonder why this is Sasori’s favorite holiday film? He watches not so much for the story itself, but he likes to study the movements of the puppets and how fluidly they imitate their human counterparts. His favorite scene is Kermit the Frog ice-skating with the rats on the frozen pond; he rewinds it over and over again. Interesting side note; he can’t watch this while Kakuzu is anywhere around, because Kakuzu absolutely despises this movie. If he walks into the room and it’s on he’s likely to throw his shoe at the tv. In his mind Ebenezer Scrooge was 100% correct in his miserly ways, and “Those damn ghosts should have minded their fucking business!” 😅

Kakuzu: Dr. Seuss’s How The Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

The Grinch mirrors Kakuzu’s feelings towards the holidays perfectly. He’s seen the other versions of this movie, but really feels like Jim Carey brings the most life to the timeless green curmudgeon. He likes to stand up and put his hand on his chest (as if he’s reciting the pledge of allegiance) every single time the speech is given about how Christmas is nothing more than a cash-grab for greedy, spoiled people. He always cries at the end. Not because of the heartwarming ending, but because he’s upset that the Grinch “gave up” so easily.)

Tobi/Obito: Elf (2003) and A Christmas Story (1983)

Will Ferrel gives a hilarious performance as a grown man who runs around acting like a very big child. So, naturally, Elf would be “Tobi’s” favorite movie. He likes to recreate the candy spaghetti that Buddy eats in the movie … which makes the others sick to their stomachs (and for Kakuzu to smack him upside the head for wasting good food). As Obito, his favorite Christmas movie is, surprisingly, A Christmas Story. He’s easily able to tap into the wonder and nostalgia of being a child that’s waiting for “the best time of the year for a kid”, and it reminds him of being a kid himself, before everything went to hell. He’ll sometimes watch with Itachi, and tease him about how much the main characters younger brother, Randy, reminds Obito of “the little brat I used to babysit” aka Itachi as a little kid.

Konan and Nagato: Die Hard (1988)

“Just because it happens on Christmas Eve doesn’t make it a Christmas movie!” Nagato and Konan have heard this more times than they could count, but the protests fall on deaf ears. Die Hard IS a Christmas movie, and it happens to be their favorite. Nagato is all about the action, and in fact, he’s used Bruce Willis’ strategizing as “training examples” for the rest of the Akatsuki. But for Konan, it’s all about the love story. A man willing to go to extreme lengths to protect the one he loves; that really resonates with the paper angel. The two of them usually cuddle throughout the movie, and start making out by the end, which the others tease them about. 

Zetsu: Gremlins (1984)

Another movie that could or could not be considered a Christmas movie, depending on who you’re asking. The concept of the Mogwai is very familiar to Zetsu: something that starts off as one thing, and replicates into seemingly endless (and terrifying) clones that wreak havoc on innocent people. The movie was ruined for him temporarily though; back when Orochimaru was still in the Akatsuki, they watched this movie together. Orochimaru got it into his mind that he could create a creature just as good, if not better, than Gizmo. What came out of that lab was a horrifying abomination of nature, and, like the movie, the creature got wet and rapidly multiplied into nightmarish shrieking demons that took the entire Akatsuki, together, to take down. Zetsu had nightmares for quite a while after this, and couldn’t even look at the box cover of this movie without breaking out in a cold sweat.

Kisame: The Santa Clause (1994) 

From Deidara:

Fuck you

Where’s the money you owe me

I KNOW it was you asshole

At least mine isn’t 91!

Pizza or Chinese?

No bc if you killed him Leader would just blame ME.

Help me prank Itachi and I’ll give you half my next check 

Scared of a little gengetsu? Pussy

Go smell Tobi’s hair then ask me who took your damn cheap-ass shampoo 

Why would you eat it it HAD MY NAME ON THE LABEL bastard!

Ok but can ya’ll go to HIS room once in a while?? I don’t need to be kept up all night!!

From Kisame

Do that to Itachi again and I’ll eviscerate you and floss with your intestines.

That Jashin voodoo crap doesn’t scare me kid

Why the hell would you eat that?! You don’t even LIKE tuna!!

You better hope you can outrun Deidara then 

I think you meant that for Kakuzu. GOD I hope you meant that for Kakuzu.

From Zetsu

You left that guy outside can I eat him?

Are you done with that body yet?

Believe it or not fear actually seasons the meat 

Weird question but can I lick your scythe before you clean it 👀

From Konan

Lol pretty sure his are bigger than mine kid

He’s not that old he just looks like that 

Leftover ribs in fridge for you 

Pls stop harassing him. He blows up my phone for hours complaining about you 😒

Get back down here and clean all this blood you trailed in! I JUST cleaned the floor!! 😤

Dinner. Last warning.

Me and Deidara going to get manicures, you in?

You think I can’t knock you out just because you’re taller? Challenge accepted.

From Sasori

I’m not a pervert he’s 19 he’s an ADULT.

Best friend? Since when??

That medicine won’t take effect if you don’t LAY DOWN and GO TO SLEEP, brat.

For as fascinated as you seem to be with my anatomy you’d think YOU were the one sleeping with me, not Dei 🧐

If Kakuzu already said no then NO.

Next time I’m stitching that mouth shut so we can all get some peace and quiet.

Yes but I can make mine any size I want at any time. You’re stuck with what you’ve got. 

From Nagato

Because I said so.

Yes, really.

Be thankful that’s the ONLY punishment you received.

What she and I do is none of your concern, brat.

I’m sorry but you know Kakuzu has the final say in all financial matters.

You either apologize or I’m going to let Zetsu eat you.

Because you two cause too much trouble when we let you take missions together.

From Itachi

I’m not falling for that one again.

Never. Never in a thousand lifetimes.

Because it’s unsanitary!!

I know you took it I saw you wearing it yesterday.

Why were you even listening anyway? Pervert.

Only if Tobi comes too, I don’t trust the two of you alone.

Literally a few greens won’t kill you.

Yes you did know that!! I told everyone on the VERY FIRST DAY how allergic I am to that! 😡

Either finish your ritual or take that guy somewhere else I can’t sleep with all the screaming.

From Tobi

Of course not! We’re just friends! 

Wait do you think I might have a shot with him?! 👀

Idk I left after I saw Zetsu chewing on the guy’s foot

Is there a way to take back a picture after you send it before the other person looks at it? 

Want some cake? Want to eat myself but Konan says to share or I’m gonna die 😅

From Kakuzu

How much is it?

Did you use the coupons I gave you?

That shit is coming out of your paycheck brat

Sorry. Next time I won’t make them so tight.

Because I don’t have the patience and you’re not responsible enough.

I stg if you bring one more lawsuit against this organization 😡

My room. Now. 

Everybody gets the exact same. If you waste yours that’s your own fault.

Make me ask again and I’ll come get you and throw you over my shoulder

This is getting ridiculous how many times am I gonna have to sew it back on?!

Come see me tonight I’ll take care of it.

It was you and Deidara. I KNOW it was you and Deidara.