#implied sasodei

From Deidara:

Fuck you

Where’s the money you owe me

I KNOW it was you asshole

At least mine isn’t 91!

Pizza or Chinese?

No bc if you killed him Leader would just blame ME.

Help me prank Itachi and I’ll give you half my next check 

Scared of a little gengetsu? Pussy

Go smell Tobi’s hair then ask me who took your damn cheap-ass shampoo 

Why would you eat it it HAD MY NAME ON THE LABEL bastard!

Ok but can ya’ll go to HIS room once in a while?? I don’t need to be kept up all night!!

From Kisame

Do that to Itachi again and I’ll eviscerate you and floss with your intestines.

That Jashin voodoo crap doesn’t scare me kid

Why the hell would you eat that?! You don’t even LIKE tuna!!

You better hope you can outrun Deidara then 

I think you meant that for Kakuzu. GOD I hope you meant that for Kakuzu.

From Zetsu

You left that guy outside can I eat him?

Are you done with that body yet?

Believe it or not fear actually seasons the meat 

Weird question but can I lick your scythe before you clean it 👀

From Konan

Lol pretty sure his are bigger than mine kid

He’s not that old he just looks like that 

Leftover ribs in fridge for you 

Pls stop harassing him. He blows up my phone for hours complaining about you 😒

Get back down here and clean all this blood you trailed in! I JUST cleaned the floor!! 😤

Dinner. Last warning.

Me and Deidara going to get manicures, you in?

You think I can’t knock you out just because you’re taller? Challenge accepted.

From Sasori

I’m not a pervert he’s 19 he’s an ADULT.

Best friend? Since when??

That medicine won’t take effect if you don’t LAY DOWN and GO TO SLEEP, brat.

For as fascinated as you seem to be with my anatomy you’d think YOU were the one sleeping with me, not Dei 🧐

If Kakuzu already said no then NO.

Next time I’m stitching that mouth shut so we can all get some peace and quiet.

Yes but I can make mine any size I want at any time. You’re stuck with what you’ve got. 

From Nagato

Because I said so.

Yes, really.

Be thankful that’s the ONLY punishment you received.

What she and I do is none of your concern, brat.

I’m sorry but you know Kakuzu has the final say in all financial matters.

You either apologize or I’m going to let Zetsu eat you.

Because you two cause too much trouble when we let you take missions together.

From Itachi

I’m not falling for that one again.

Never. Never in a thousand lifetimes.

Because it’s unsanitary!!

I know you took it I saw you wearing it yesterday.

Why were you even listening anyway? Pervert.

Only if Tobi comes too, I don’t trust the two of you alone.

Literally a few greens won’t kill you.

Yes you did know that!! I told everyone on the VERY FIRST DAY how allergic I am to that! 😡

Either finish your ritual or take that guy somewhere else I can’t sleep with all the screaming.

From Tobi

Of course not! We’re just friends! 

Wait do you think I might have a shot with him?! 👀

Idk I left after I saw Zetsu chewing on the guy’s foot

Is there a way to take back a picture after you send it before the other person looks at it? 

Want some cake? Want to eat myself but Konan says to share or I’m gonna die 😅

From Kakuzu

How much is it?

Did you use the coupons I gave you?

That shit is coming out of your paycheck brat

Sorry. Next time I won’t make them so tight.

Because I don’t have the patience and you’re not responsible enough.

I stg if you bring one more lawsuit against this organization 😡

My room. Now. 

Everybody gets the exact same. If you waste yours that’s your own fault.

Make me ask again and I’ll come get you and throw you over my shoulder

This is getting ridiculous how many times am I gonna have to sew it back on?!

Come see me tonight I’ll take care of it.

It was you and Deidara. I KNOW it was you and Deidara.

Kakuzu, holding a cake: This is ridiculous.

Hidan, holding a small airhorn: No the fuck it’s not, you stingy old bastard. It’s called a surprise, something people like getting on their birthdays.

Kakuzu: The noise is going to scare him right out of bed and onto the floor. I’d hardly call that a worthwhile “surprise”.

Hidan, hand on doorknob: This fucker sets off explosives every day, he’ll be fine. Okay now we go in on three. One, two —

Hidan: *bursts into room* HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEID —

Deidara: GET OUT!!

Kakuzu: Apologies. *grabs Hidan and pulls him back into hallway, shutting Deidara’s door*

Hidan:

Hidan: … was, was that —

Kakuzu: Sasori, yes.

Hidan: And … and was he giving blondie a —

Kakuzu: Yes, Hidan.

Hidan:

Hidan:

Kakuzu: … are you actually speechless??

Hidan:

Kakuzu: Are you cold? Do you want my cloak?

Deidara: N-no …

Kakuzu: Are you sure? You appear to be shaking.

Deidara: I’m not cold, I’m scared, hm.

Kakuzu: Scared? Why would you be scared?

Deidara: Come on, Kakuzu! YOU offered to take ME out to eat?? YOU’RE paying?! You must have some really bad news to tell me, hm!

Kakuzu: No, no, it’s nothing bad. It’s just … well … Deidara you’re 19 now. You’re 19 but when you joined us, you were just a kid. You didn’t really have much experience with … some things.

Deidara: Eh? I’m confused.

Kakuzu: The others thought it would be prudent to make sure … I mean for you to be well-informed about … sex.

Deidara: *blushes red from his ears to his toes* W-what the hell -!

Kakuzu: I’m the oldest in the Akatsuki, and I’m the only one who’s able to give you a straightforward, no-nonsense talk about this. We’re out to eat because I assumed it would be less embarrassing for you, if everyone else wasn’t around to hear it.

Deidara: I don’t understand … Sasori is my partner, why couldn’t he talk to me about this?

Kakuzu: Well, frankly, Sasori is the reason that we feel it time you were spoken to about this. 

Deidara, blushing harder:  …

Kakuzu: Anyways, I gave this talk to Hidan, and Itachi, and now it’s your turn. Before we start, I want you to know that any questions you have, you can ask. Don’t hesitate and don’t be afraid. If you ask something I don’t know the answer to, I’ll do my research on it and get back to you with the answer. Okay?

Deidara: And … and we’re talking about stuff with girls AND boys, right? Not just s-sex but like, stuff about the body, too?

Kakuzu: Yes. Everything. It’s important that you have knowledge and that you’re mentally and emotionally prepared, just in case, someday, you … well. You get the idea. 

Kakuzu: *opens his menu* Now order something good, okay? Something that’ll last a while.

Deidara: Okay, hm. *scans his menu* Hmm, the veal sausages with pasta sounds good …

Kakuzu: Sausages? Perfect! Just the visual aid I need! Now if you follow that up with some kind of warm pie, this talk’ll really go well.

"Shut it brat. Quit making those noises." "But it hurts, hn!"

"Just lie still."

"Nghh... Hurry...."

"Almost there..."

"A-ah! Ow!"

"Got it."

Sasori smirked victoriously, holding up a long thin splinter between the tines of a pair of tweezers. "Honestly, you're such a baby." He chastised, tossing the thin pierce of wood into the trash bin. "You didn't have to be so rough." Deidara protested with a frown, arms crossed over his chest. "And you didn't have to be so noisy. You know what the others will think."