I'm On Some Dumb Sh*t.

Naruto: Obito’s too powerful, Sensei! How do we defeat him?!

Kakashi: Don’t worry kid, I’ve prepared for this possibility …

Kakashi: *bites thumb*

Kakashi: Summoning : Old lady with groceries no jutsu!

*an elderly woman appears in front of them, laden down with heavy-looking grocery bags*

Old Woman: Oh dear, these are so heavy, however shall I make it home?

Obito:

Obito: *visibly twitching*

Obito: *goes to her and picks up all of the bags*

Obito: Let me help you with that, obaasan.

Old Woman: Oh, thank you! What a nice young man …

Obito, turning his head: This isn’t over, asshole. When I get back —

Old Woman: And when we get to my house, maybe you’d help me with a few of the chores? I’ll give you some cookies in return!

Obito:

Obito: … yes, ma’am.

Deidara: Yeah?

Hidan: Why are you such a dick to red-eyes? Every day I watch him be all nice to you and try to be your friend and you just blow him off every damn time. It seems kinda bitchy, even to me.

Deidara: *sighs* It’s nothing against Itachi, specifically. But I just don’t trust those eyes, hm. I don’t need to be friends with an Uchiha, you know?

Hidan: Damn … all this time I thought you were just an asshole, but now I see you’re both an asshole AND a hypocrite.

Deidara: Hypocrite? How am I a hypocrite?

Hidan: Shit, you hang out with that moron Tobi every damn day, but you’re too good to spend like twenty minutes with Itachi?

Deidara: Eh?! What the hell does Tobi have to do with anything??

Hidan: *shakes his head* An asshole, a hypocrite, AND stupid. You really hit the trifecta, blondie. Tobi is an Uchiha.

Deidara:

Deidara: … No? He isn’t??

Hidan: Yeah he is. I’ve heard the old bastard and Leader talkin’ about it a bunch. And one time late at night I walked by Itachi’s room and Tobi was in there talkin’ to him. His voice was all deep and he kept sayin’ stuff like “OUR clan”. I’d bet money he wears that stupid mask because he’s hiding a sharingan under there …

Deidara:

Deidara: *starts sweating* Oh my God … this is horrible ! This is really, really awful!

Hidan: Jeez, relax, you elitist douche. Just stop talking to Tobi. Problem solved.

Deidara: Hidan! You don’t understand! I HAD SEX WITH HIM TWO MONTHS AGO!!

Hidan:

Hidan: … What. The. Fuck?

Deidara: *head in his hands* It was that one night … remember all the wine Konan brought home? We were both so drunk —

Hidan: Wait a second … you say you didn’t know he was an Uchiha. Does that mean you let him fuck you with that mask on??

Deidara: … Yes.

Hidan: AND using that goofy-ass voice??

Deidara: Yes!

Hidan: *starts laughing hysterically* Holy Jashin, kid! You’re more fucked up than I thought! What the hell is wrong with you??

Tobi, using his Obito voice from the other room: I’ve been wondering that for weeks, myself.

Deidara: Whoa, holy crap … is that his real voice??

Hidan: Yeah?

Deidara:

Deidara: … Bad news, hm. Looks like I’m going to have sex with an Uchiha again very, very soon.

Hidan: Hey, old man! Come out of there already! I need to brush my teeth!

Kakuzu: I’m taking a shit, brat. Come back later.

Hidan: *bursts into the bathroom* I ain’t waiting for nothing, bastard. Ew, goddamn it stinks in here!

Kakuzu: I told you I was defacating, what did you expect?

Hidan: *puts paste on his toothbrush* Well from now on I expect you to stop eating so many goddamned beans, you cheap old fuck.

Kakuzu: *sighs* I suppose “privacy” is a wasted concept on you, eh?

Hidan: Why do we need privacy? We’re practically married, ain’t we?

Kakuzu: Yea, but a bit of privacy is good for couples. I don’t need to be aware of everything you do all the time, and the same goes for you in regards to myself.

Hidan: *spits toothpaste into sink* Fine, fine. I’m goin’ to bed. You gonna join me tonight or is that “invading your privacy”?

Kakuzu: You’re really mad about me saying that, aren’t you?

Hidan, pouting: N-no! I don’t give a fuck.

Kakuzu: You know what? Alright. No privacy. Now come wipe me.

Hidan: … Huh?

Kakuzu: You want us to be hyper-involved in each others’ lives, right? Well, I’m almost done with the toilet, here, and normally I’d clean up in private but I guess you don’t like that. So you can wipe me. Then give me a bath. Then make me dinner and give me my meds for the night. And then —

Itachi: Thanks again for this, Dei. I appreciate it.

Deidara: You’d better appreciate it, Uchiha. You may look like a twig but it feels like you weigh three hundred pounds. You and that damn sharingan …

Itachi: I know. Really quite a burden, the way it drains my energy.

Deidara: The pitfalls of superiority, eh? *gently sets Itachi down against a large sturdy tree* Let’s rest for a bit, hm. If I can replenish enough chakra I can just make us a bird to fly the rest of the way home on. *sits and opens his pack* You want some hardtack?

Itachi: No, thanks. That stuff messes up my stomach.

Deidara: But you haven’t eaten at all today, have you? No offense, hm, but you’re a little too sickly to be skipping meals.

Itachi: I’ll be fine.

Deidara: Well, if you don’t want hardtack … *takes a brand-new package of dango from his bag* Maybe this will work better for you?

Itachi, eyes lighting up: D-dango?? Where did you get dango??

Deidara: Remember when we passed that shop yesterday, and I said I needed to run in to go to the bathroom? I got them then, hm.

Itachi: But why?

Deidara, blushing slightly: W-well … I figured, this would be a crappy birthday for you, doing all this traveling, so I thought dango might make it better.

Itachi, confused: Birthday? It’s not … wait we left on … *counts on his fingers* … Goodness, it is my birthday. I’d forgotten.

Deidara: Yeah, well, you’re twenty-one, old man. And I just want you to know, this last year, when Danna died … you were there for me. And I appreciate it. So thanks.

Itachi, touched: D-Deidara …

Deidara: Yeah, well, n-no need to get any more sappy with it, right? *points* You gonna eat those or just stare at ‘em?

Itachi: *opens the box and takes out a large dango stick, biting into it*

Itachi: Ahhh, so good. *holds the box out to him* Have one?

Deidara: *leans over and takes one* Thanks. *takes a bite* Man these are sweet. Just one of these and my chakra will be back to one hundred percent in no time.

Itachi: Wouldn’t be so bad camping here tonight, actually. It’s nice and cool here, and I can hear what sounds like a stream fairly close by.

Deidara, without thinking: Mm, very romantic.

Itachi: *turns his head and gives Deidara a long look* Romantic? Did you say —

Deidara, blushing hard: What? No! W-why would I say something like that, weirdo?? *takes another of Itachi’s dango and shoves it into his mouth* I think my chakra is good to go now, let me go make this bird and get us home! *runs off*

so sasuke takes them outside and they can see itachi, shisui and obito training a little further out into the yard. they look absolutely exhausted. and there’s this shirtless guy with long black hair berating them and barking orders at them and sakura’s like no wonder the Uchiha are so strong in battle you guys have your own personal trainer! and sasuke is like that’s not a trainer that’s my grandpa Madara. and the two others do a hell of a double take. “Grandpa??” and as they watch Madara is doing literal flips all around the three younger ones and blowing huge amounts of fire into the air and taunting his trainees for being “weak”.

then he notices sasuke and he comes over, rubbing a towel across his sweaty face and sasuke introduces them and Madara bends down and kisses sakuras hand and ooops before you know it now sakura’s got a crush on a different Uchiha meanwhile Itachi’s trying to peel Shisui’s face out of the dirt and Obito is sucking up a puddle in the grass because he’s too spent to reach over and grab his water bottle. 

and Madara’s like “okay boys five minute break and then we REALLY have a go at it!”

Deidara, pulling his shirt over his head: If you want to have sex all you gotta do is ask, hm. You don’t need to go through all that phony stuff.

Sasori: Phony? My love for you is not “phony”, or false, Deidara. I genuinely love you. And I didn’t come in here to initiate a sexual encounter.

Deidara: Then … what do you want?

Sasori: You certainly have a very suspicious nature, don’t you? We’ve been together for nearly three years; have you not learned to trust me by now?

Deidara, putting his shirt back on: It’s because I’ve known you for three years that I know you never just come in here with “I love you’s” without a reason, hm. Now what is it?

Sasori: *chuckles* Such a smart man. You have incredible beauty and prominent brains; it’s no wonder I married you.

Deidara: We’re not married, Danna, and we never will be unless you cut the shit and get to the point.

Sasori: *sighs* Fine, fine. As you know, I’ll be traveling on a mission with Itachi next week, and —

Deidara: You better not get the wandering eye for that red-eyed fuck, Sasori. I get he’s “pretty” and all but I’M better, and you’re mine. If I think anything went on with you two I’ll send you both to hell with a C-4. I’ll —

Sasori: Relax, relax. *smoothes Deidara’s hair back from his forehead* One brat is more than enough for me to handle. I wanted to ask you about my Mother and Father puppets.

Deidara, surprised: Yeah? What about them?

Sasori: I’m sure you’ve heard Kakuzu talking to me lately about how valuable those two pieces are, and trying to persuade me to let him contact his buyer in Suna to sell them and split the profits. I’ve said No, but I don’t put it past him to wait until I’m gone somewhere and to do it anyway. I was hoping I could entrust them to you while I’m away.

Deidara: M-me? Really? Y-you trust me with your favorite pieces of art?

Sasori: Of course. I trust you with my life, Dei. *kisses his cheek* So I can count on you for this, right?

Deidara: Y-you can count on me, Danna! *hugs Sasori* Your art will be totally safe in my care!

Sasori: Good, thank you, love. Now don’t go overboard or anything; just keep my pieces safe. That’s it.

*a week later*

Sasori: Dei? I’m home, my dear.

Deidara: Danna! *goes to Sasori and kisses him* I missed you ~

Sasori: I missed you, too. Did you have any trouble with keeping Mother and Father safe?

Deidara: Nope! Everything went smoothly, hm!

Hidan, from the hallway: Tell that to my fuckin’ arm. He dislocated it when I came to ask him where you went …

Kakuzu, from his room: That’s nothing; I didn’t say a damn word about those stupid puppets and that little shit set off a C-3 in my bed!

Deidara: I was just taking precautions!

Itachi, from his room: What the hell happened in here?! It looks like a hurricane hit!

Deidara: Another necessary precaution, just in case you came back with any ideas about robbing MY Danna of his treasures, hm!

Deidara, half-asleep and groggy: Huuuhhh?

Sasori, climbing into Deidara’s bed: It’s after midnight, so it’s officially your birthday. You always request to engage in relations on your birthday, and I’m in the middle of working some puppets and don’t wish to be interrupted later, so —

Deidara: *turns over on his side* Don’t feel like it, Danna. Go away. I promise I won’t bother you later, hm.

Sasori: … Is there something wrong?

Deidara: Not feeling the best tonight.  Just want to sleep. 

*there are a few silent moments, and then Deidara turns around to see Sasori has left*

Deidara, to himself: Guess I couldn’t expect much else from him …

*a little later, waking up in the early morning*

Deidara: Ugh … my throat hurts so bad …

Sasori, from the other side of the bed: That tea on your nightstand should do the trick.

Deidara, his eyes widening in disbelief: Danna? What are you doing here?

Sasori: You’re not feeling well; where else would I be?

Deidara: Working on your puppets?

Sasori: *sighs and scoots closer to Deidara* You’re ridiculous sometimes, you know that? *lays a hand on Dei’s forehead* Well you don’t feel as warm as you did an hour ago; still, drink up that tea.

Deidara: … An hour ago? How long have you been here?

Sasori: All night. Drink, please.

*Deidara starts sipping at his tea*

Deidara: *chuckles* Some birthday, huh? Sick in bed …

Sasori: You know, though, I’m fairly certain that this is a tad better than your last birthday. Remember the boat I took you on? I still don’t know how you managed to drink so much that you fell out. If it wasn’t for the man with the really big fishing net, I never would have gotten you out of the water! Deidara: Oh, come on; like I wasn’t the best thing he’d caught all day?

*they both laugh*

Sasori, taking Deidara’s hand: I could very much fall in love when you laugh, you know that?

Deidara, blushing: S-stop it, old man.

Sasori: Speaking of old, how old are you again? Twenty-one, now, right?

Deidara: That’s right, hm. Why; don’t think I’m hot anymore now that I’m over the hill?

Sasori: “Hot” is such a vulgar term. If you mean, do I still find you attractive? *kisses Deidara’s hand* Always. And besides, no matter how old you get, you’ll always be a brat to me.

Deidara: Ha, ha. *lays back down* Your sweet talk is great, but unfortunately I feel a little too yucky still for you to take advantage of me, so —

Sasori: Then you rest, my dear one. *kisses Deidara’s forehead and smoothes his hair back* I’ll be right here, watching over you. By the way, did you notice the present I got you?

Deidara: No?

Sasori: *points across the room* A very strong lock for your door.

Deidara: A lock? Why would I need a —

*from outside the door*

Hidan: Oi, blondie, let us in! *rattles the doorknob* Me and the mask-freak made ya breakfast! Used my scythe to scrape off all the burnt shit so you can eat it!

Tobi, in Obito voice: And “Tobi” wants to bend you over his knee and give you your birthday spankings, Senpai ~

Deidara:

Kakashi: Hey, Naruto, Sakura. You two want to go get some lunch? It’s on me.

Naruto: Heck yeah, dattebayo! 

Sakura: Wait, Sensei … why are you whispering like that?

Kakashi: Obito is standing over by that shop.

Naruto: So?

Kakashi: So, if I keep talking really quietly like this, and draw you two closer to me … *pulls Naruto and Sakura in by the shoulders* And I make it a point to do this — *looks directly at Obito, points, then looks back to Sakura and Naruto* It’ll drive him insane.

Sakura: Sensei, that doesn’t really make sense. Why would he care if you’re whispering about —

Obito, from across the road: What the hell are you plotting, Hatake?? I can see you over there, you sneaky son of a bitch!!

Obito: *runs across the road and up to Kakashi* You think you can get the drop on me, asshole? Well think again! *reaches down and takes hold of Kakashi’s hand* I’m not letting go of you for the rest of the day!

Kakashi: Fine. We’re going to lunch, and since you’re holding my good hand, I can’t reach my wallet, so you’ll have to pay for everyone.

Obito: Fine! Let’s go, you snake! *marches off still holding Kakashi’s hand*

Sakura and Naruto:

Obito, sighing: For the hundredth time, yes. 

Kakashi: But I already know your family. Itachi and me were in ANBU together, Sasuke was my student, I’m friends with Shisui …

Obito: I know, I know. But this is a formality. If you’re really serious about marrying me, you have to formally state that intention to my family.

Kakashi: You just mean your insane “grandfather”, don’t you?

Obito: Madara is not “insane”, Bakashi. He’s … well he’s … okay fine he’s absolutely nuts. But he’s the clan elder so you need to make a good impression on him.

Kakashi: But he hates me. The last time I was over there, he tried to take out my sharingan with his soup spoon!

Obito: He was just kidding!

Kakashi: Just kidding? Old man or not, it took everyone in the room to disarm him and hold him back!

Obito: So he’s a spirited old man … *puts his arms around Kakashi* Come on, love. I really, really want to be your husband. But I can’t do that without the proper steps in place. Please, help me out?

Kakashi: *sighs* You’re sure a lot of trouble, you know that?

Obito: *puts his arms around him and kisses his cheek* And worth every headache, right? Now come on, let’s get to it.

*later, in the family common room, with everyone gathered*

Kakashi: … and so you see, I feel that I would make a good husband for Obito. I can provide for him, love him, and I’m ready to protect him with my life. I —

Madara: The way you protected him on Kannabi bridge?

Obito: Hey! He tried his best, but we were just kids! He —

Madara: Does “trying his best” entail stealing your eye and then leaving you to die underneath a boulder?

Obito: I gave him that eye, grandfather. We’ve been over that day a thousand times, haven’t we?

Itachi: Madara. I believe you’ve said more than enough on the matter, haven’t you? 

Sasuke: Yeah; what are you gonna have him do, anyway? Gouge his eye out and give it back? Put it in a box and give it to Obito as his wedding gift?

Kakashi, hissing: Not helping, kid.

Shisui: Oi, this is ridiculous. *gets up and crosses the room to Kakashi* I’d be honored to have you be a part of my family. *shakes his hand*

Itachi: As would I.

Sasuke: I mean I guess so. You’re already like an annoying big brother, you might as well be one for real.

Madara: You’re all very quick to acquiesce, aren’t you? Very well; as I’m outnumbered on the matter, you have my permission to marry Obito. However, I believe Sasuke’s idea had some merit to it. You should return Obito’s eye … but to me. Give me this gift and I will accept you as my new grandson. *stands and hobbles from the room*

Obito and Kakashi: 

*several weeks later, at the wedding*

Kakashi: Damn … *adjusts his eyepatch* This thing itches …

Obito: I know … but you only have to wear it for a few more hours, love. *chuckles* I still can’t believe Madara thought that that gel-candy eye was the real thing …

Kakashi: I can’t believe that he just picked it up and swallowed it whole like that. Is that how your clan normally handles sharingan transfers?

Obito: No, that’s just a Madara thing. And it’s your clan, too, now. *hugs him tight* And if you think that him swallowing your “eye” was weird, just wait ‘til I introduce you to the rest of the things that Madara does.

Obito: Thanks again for letting me crash here, Bakashi. Damn snowstorm came up so fast, I’d hate to have to trudge home in this.

Kakashi, setting up the extra futon: It’s no problem. Will two blankets be enough for you?

Obito: Yeah, that should be fine. Man, I’m beat. *throws himself down on the futon* All that walking. I could just — just — *starts falling asleep*

*later that night, Obito wakes up suddenly*

Obito, to himself: T-the temperature must have d-dropped … I’m f-f-freezing! *glances at Kakashi* Will he be m-mad if I wake him to ask w-where the extra b-blankets are?

Kakashi, eyes still closed: You want to warm up? I’ll give you something much better than a blanket to make you warm …

Obito, blushing: B-Bakashi! You’re not suggesting that we … uh … I mean I don’t know if I’m r-ready for —

Kakashi: *out of bed, biting his thumb and wiping it across a scroll*

Obito: What are you —

*suddenly all of Kakashi’s ninken fill the little room*

Kakashi, yawning and laying back down: Got a mission for you, guys. Obito is cold, and so am I. Think you can help us with that?

Pakkun, executing a small salute: You can count on us, boss!

*all of the ninken pile their warm bodies over Kakashi and Obito, burying them underneath a mountain of fur*

Kakashi, from underneath Bull’s body: Well? Better?

Obito: *barely able to move his arm out from underneath Shiba and Bisuke, gives a thumbs up*

Obito: Sorry, sorry; it’s just, this is so weird.

Kakashi: I know it’s weird, but this is meant to help you, idiot. You think Rin is just going to accept you going up to her and slobbering all over her mouth?

Obito: *sighs* No. T-thanks for this, Bakashi.

Kakashi: You’ll just owe me the biggest piece of cake at your wedding. Now, okay; you cup her cheek gently with your hand, and draw her towards you, like this … *demonstrates* Got it?

Obito, blushing: Y-yeah.

Kakashi: Okay, then you take a few moments to stare into her eyes, and you say something quietly and gently to her. Like, for example, “Obito, I think you’re the most beautiful person in this entire world. I would be honored if you allowed me the pleasure of a kiss.”

Obito, sweating: T-that’s very r-romantic sounding. T-then what?

Kakashi: *scoots closer* You lean in, and press your lips to hers in the gentlest way possible, like this — *leans in and kisses Obito’s lips* And then you pull away and give her a smile, a soft smile, to let her know how happy you are. *pulls down his mask and gives Obito a radiant smile* Got it?

Obito:

Obito: … Kakashi. I can’t go through with this anymore.

Kakashi: What do you mean? I’m positive that my teaching will work, man! All you have to do is —

Obito: Let’s go to Ichiraku. You and me. *timidly reaches out and takes Kakashi’s hand* I — I think there’s some stuff we need to talk about …

Kakashi:

Kakashi: *looks down at their joined hands and quickly pulls his mask up over his reddening face* Y-yeah? Okay, let’s go.

*the two walk off*

Rin, up in a tree nearby: It’s about damn time. I thought those two were never gonna catch on!

Pakkun, on her lap: My master is a little slow; I hope Obito is prepared for that.

Rin: Believe me; the two of them together couldn’t outrun a snail mentally.

Deidara: Sometimes I look at those thick thighs of yours and I just. I want to sink my teeth in and bite them, hm.

Deidara: Not to kill you or anything, but like, to taste you. I bet you taste great. Like, lick your arm right now. It’s salty, right? Humans are salty-tasting for some reason.

Deidara: So imagine biting into a juicy, salty thigh. It’d probably be like taking a bite of steak, hm. So goddamned tempting.

Deidara: Actually I probably could take a real bite out of you. You have regenerative abilities, yeah? Deidara: Ah but wait … what if I’m wrong and you actually taste terrible. I swear to God, you better not mess up this experience for me, Uchiha! If you do I’ll kill you, bury you, dig you up a few days later, then barbecue you and eat you no matter what you tasted like!

Obito:

Konan: Aw, Dei, what a thoughtful gesture!

Deidara: *shrugs* Danna says I have to start being nicer to everyone or he’s cutting me off, hm.

Zetsu: Cutting you off from what?

Itachi, biting into his chocolate: If you have to ask, it’s not relevant for you.

Hidan: *comes into the room* What are you fuckers doing?

Deidara: Celebrating Easter, man. Here — *holds out a rabbit to him* Happy Holidays!

Hidan:

Hidan: “Happy Holidays”? What the fuck are we celebrating? A fake God coming out of his hidey-hole after three days? So WHAT?! I die practically every goddamn day and it doesn’t take me some pussy-ass three days to come back! 

Hidan: *swats the chocolate out of Deidara’s hand* Fuck you, fuck your chocolate, fuck your fake god, fuck the Easter Bunny! *storms out*

Kisame: Goodness, that was extreme, even for him. What do you think is his problem?

Kakuzu: He’s just upset because everybody forgot his birthday a few days ago.

The Akatsuki:

Konan: … Oh my God, I feel horrible …

Itachi: Kakuzu, why didn’t you remind us? Or did you forget as well?

Kakuzu: I didn’t forget; I simply didn’t want to shell out money for a gift. And seeing as how payday isn’t until next week, I didn’t want any of you asking for advances to buy him a gift either.

Sasori, not looking up from his book: What’s the big deal about that? With the exception of Konan, I’m forced to live within a group of fools every single day of the year.

Deidara: Goddamn, that’s mean, Sasori. Wait, you better not be including ME as one of the fools, hm!

Sasori: Oh, of course not, my dear one. *puts down his book and takes each of Deidara’s hands in his own* I think you’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever known, not to mention the most attractive.

Deidara, blushing: Ah, D-Danna! That’s so sweet!

Sasori: There’s something else I want to tell you, but I need you to lean closer.

Deidara: *leans closer* Yeah?

Sasori: *kisses the tip of Deidara’s ear, then whispers into it* April Fool’s, love.