Apr 16
she’s getting me a lemon pie and I don’t even know if shinichi will be able to eat it. I fucking hate this
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she’s getting me a lemon pie and I don’t even know if shinichi will be able to eat it. I fucking hate this
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Sometimes, if I wanna give myself a crisis, I think about how much and little people know me. My friends know me as. Someone- I don't know how they view me. My followers and mutuals know a very clean, presentable version I show myself as online. My pokemon know I'm their trainer, and they will risk their saftey on a whim when I want them to, because they trust me to keep them safe. My family knows I am determined to live by my own rules. My coworkers know I put in minimal effort and I'm not a team player. Some people I knew- knew some parts of me that no other people did and they're just not around anymore. Which is me? I just. Idk. Sometimes I wish the universe had objective answers and it all wasn't just. it depends. Shrug. I find most parts of my soul in overrated movies and road signs and rare weather phenomena and indie music that isn't even that indie, but that's not a good enough answer. I have to be a person, I'm not a person in a vaccum. I just gotta. figure it all out.
Crazy how life just goes on even if you don't
what if im like. alone forever?
like, ill never get to experience intimacy the way i used to. ill never know what its like to be held. its fun talking to people through this website but like you can only be so close with someone whenever your entire relationship exists on a public forum, yknow?
its been two years since dad left, four years since he woke me up. ive been alone for so long. i was hoping that showing up here would help that, and it has helped some! but everything is still pretty lonely. idk how to deal with that long term
This is all my fault. isn't it?
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I've been sitting outside for some time now. The.. night is gorgeous, if not a bit cold.
I had physical therapy earlier today, and spent the evening with Martin. I trained with Ensign, spoke with a few friends..
It's.. an odd feeling. I spent so long with hardly anything to lose, and now as time has gone on, with every new goddamn nightmare on the horizon I've gained more and more. People, Pokemon.. friends I can't honestly imagine my life without anymore.
I suppose that is to say I don't... enjoy the life I've built here being threatened.
I'm afraid, more than I've been in a long time and there's nothing I can do but wait. Wait and prepare and.. sincerely hope that I'm wrong for once.
Hah.. wouldn't that be nice.
...I know why I'm here. It's because of who I am. Something out of my control. Do you THINK that I wanted this? No! I'm not some bumbling idiotic masochist who gets off and gets their sick kicks on self inflicted punishment, so pardon me for having a SMIDGEN of sanity. I know. Realll fucking rare in this town. "Oh no, Riddler swore!" Grow a pair. I'm an adult, a criminal and have killed 4 people. I'd done worse, so I ASSURE you, you'll live. I can't change. Even if I tried, and REST ASSURED, I have. I didn't want to be this compulsive freak, but I guess I've to take what I've been given. Unlike those above, who just take and take. They put on the mask of care but they don't. We are just a number to them. A droplet of ink on their bottom line. Namely... the Batman. You fraudulently best me and claim I "need help". Take your bat-opinion, and SHOVE IT right up your Bat-Ass. I will not be erased just to fit your definition of "sanity" and "normalcy". Isn't the whole point of such -ity and -cy words to be SUBJECTIVE? Idiots, I tell you.
This is The Riddler signing off. ??
sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if I like. had disappeared into the weald at any point. just live there with the wolves. no one would be able to find me there but Hop.