#humanthings

If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything. – Gordon A. Eadie

2 a.m., shades drawn, up late, shirtless, and talking. About everything. The kind of night I got used to having in my teens. The kind of night you can only share with a friend that close. As thoughts and conversation drifted from sarcastic humor to topics like romantic love and the opposite sex, something changed. Suddenly the conversational paradigm had switched from friendly jesting to a tone of ridicule. As I began to realize why I had come under fire I noticed the familiar tone of frustration laced with disappointment. I recognized the voice of someone who loved me, but was through listening to me on whatever subject we were talking about. As uncomfortable as I was with taking advice on my love life, we labored on. I sat quietly, and listened for a while before I made my next defensive claim. Back and forth, back and forth… and then he said something that stopped me dead in my tracks. Something I couldn’t argue with. After tens of minutes spent talking about seemingly ever-present, nonsensical flaws in my approach to romantic love, it was laid out.

As I heard the words, “I’ll never take you seriously again until I hear you talk about someone the way I hear you talk about her.,” they took the breath out of me. They rang in my ears so loud that I feared I would go deaf. It was all true. Nearly everything said aloud was accurate. I haven’t participated in any relationship I’ve had in years. In fact, I had been even accused of a lack of participation in that one. I’m not sure how we can be so blind to things that are so obvious to those who are close to us. I have been wandering, aimlessly, for almost three years. I have searched when ill equipped to do so. I have invited others into my home when I had no ability to host them.