#human tpom

🐧 private - born 1998, zodiac sign: cancer,

🐧 rico - born 1986, zodiac sun: aries,

🐧 kowalski - born 1981, zodiac sign: virgo,

🐧 skipper - born 1977 (i know that one of the creators tweeted that skipper would be 35 in the series if he was a human but hey it's my au and if i want him to be older then so be it), zodiac sign: leo,

🐧 it was difficult to make the big 3 (skipper, kowalski and rico) related since kowalski is a literal surname, name 'rico' gives off that latino vibe and skipper is.... well skipper,

🐧 so i decided to make them half-siblings with their mother being some kind of agent or military member,

🐧 she was like: 🧍‍♀️, when she came back home and discovered that her sons brought a baby, telling her some crazy ass story about how they saved it from dying on the streets,

🐧 don't ask me about uncle nigel he's just there and yeah he is still related to private, i don't make the rules,

🐧 i can see uncle nigel as some type of retired MI6 agent, who gets himself involved in the work even though no one expects him to💀💀,

🐧 also, nigel took care of private when skipper, kowalski and rico were busy with their own military shit. that was also during the time when their ma passed away so they didn't want to expose private to their new chaotic lifestyle,

🐧 private grew up in britian until he was like 12 and that's where his accent comes from,

🐧 obviously during private's time at nigel's, denmark and hans happened💀,

🐧 also the penguins trio didn't abandoned private, hell nah, they were still visiting him either solo or together,

🐧 at some point skipper kowalski and rico decided to fuck it all and they made their own unit, took private with them and came back to new york,

🐧 now we can move to more fun, general headcanons,

🐧 skipper kowalski and rico watch some of those vile horror movies completely unfazed and after finishing it, they call it boring and never watch it again,

🐧 skipper likes some of lana del rey's songs ("american", "blue jeans", "cruel world" to be specific) (in the future he would probably also vibe with "mariners apartment complex" "god bless america - and all the beautiful women in it" "when the world was at war we kept dancing"), because he fw the whole americana aesthetic,

🐧 kowalski's favourite work of fiction is lovecraft's "re-animator" (let's take a guess why),

🐧 besides that and a few other exceptions he doesn't read fiction, only academic materials, science books etc.,

🐧 rico suffers from expressive aphasia and he got it when he was a toddler. him, skipper and kowalski were playing on the backyard when rico fell down from a very high spot (skipper and kowalski got yelled out, grounded and punished badly for not keeping an eye on him),

🐧 favourite morning drinks:

• kowalski and skipper: black coffee

• rico: energy drinks

• private: orange juice

🐧 when it comes to coke:

• skipper: og red coke

• kowalski: vanilla coke

• rico: lime coke

• private: cherry coke

🐧 they have to watch all quentin tarantino's movies at least once a year,

🐧 private loves to surprise his brothers and hugging them from behind (it sometimes ends up with an accidental bruise or nose bleeding but no hard feelings),

🐧 when they were at monte carlo and private was going through typical teenage rebellious phase he informed them that he was running away from them and they won't see him ever again (he then came back after 10 minutes),

🐧 i believe this is semi-canon but skipper is definitely into conspiracy theories. like this man is paranoid as fuck. he believes in all sorts of military/fbi/cia related conspiracy theories like haarp, mk ultra, etc., he also would've loved calling random people that cause trouble and got on his nerves feds,

🐧 rico loves to hide other guys' shit and then ask them where are they (he loves to do this especially to kowalski, hiding his notes),

🐧 if anyone wonders who was pulling out private's teeth when he was growing up, it's obviously rico. private would say that his tooth is loose and rico would open his mouth and pull it out with one quick move (very smooth rico). i also saw a headcanon about rico allowing baby private to bite his arms when he was teething and i AGREE. let's say that rico is private's special tooth fairy,

🐧 very random: kowalski has the driest, most calloused hands in the world, like boy just use some hand cream i'm begging you,

🐧 very very random & also about kowalski's hands: he has long fingers (you can do with that information whatever you desire😼),

🐧 private used to give kowalski self-made cards whenever he saw him feeling down, wanting to cheer him up (kowalski was gagged and didn't quite see the point of private giving them to him but he went with it anyways),

🐧 oh and btw kowalski is autistic af like ain't it obvious. my fav high-functioning autistic guy,

🐧 once when private was looking through their photo album and saw pictures of himself as a baby with skipper's sunglasses on, skipper started to rub his eye ("is everything ok, skippah?", "yes, private, it's just dust") (he got a bit emotional alright),

🐧 i yapped about this before but skipper and kowalski are so brothersTM. they are chilling together and within the next few seconds they start roasting each other. for example, they would complain about no food being left in the fridge only to start accuse one another of not buying some thing back in 2003 (as if it would prevent them from feeling hungry rn). rico and private are always like: well, it escalated quickly,

🐧

It was a day like any other. The ZOO opened in the morning, school trips crowded in front of the animal habitats along with other visitors. It remained this way till the afternoon.

Something strange was hanging in the air. Skipper knew it. Or rather – both Skippers knew it. But when it came to the one heading a commando group of four people, he was thinking aloud about the words of a crazy Officer X who previously contacted them, requesting for assistance in getting rid of some penguins living in the Central Park ZOO.

"He probably was just being silly, Skippah." Private reassured the older man, his voice audible through an earpiece.

"Yeah, especially since he claimed that they must be our creation so we could take control over... some ZOO apparently." Kowalski stated, turning on the pad with the x-ray software. To all visitors, it appeared that he was recording animals at the ZOO, but in reality, the screen revealed Kowalski the exact contents of their target's pockets. One gun. AMT hardballer with a .45 ACP cartridge.

"Suspicions of the maniacs like him can't be completely unfounded..." Skipper said in this characteristic "thoughtful" tone of his but he quickly snapped back right into his usual captain-like demenour. "Private, did you buy the tickets?"

"On it, Skippah." A teenager with fluffy curly hair responded to his boss, taking a bite of popcorn he had bought before approaching a free-standing ticket validator.

"Very good. Rico, now!"

Rico, who was dressed up as one of the guards, began "searching" Private for any form of weapon while stuffing a taser pin-like device in his pocket. Private played an important role in their plan; they needed him to attach this pin to the target so they could electroshock him and took him somewhere far away from anyone's eyes. The reason why Skipper, Kowalski and Rico couldn't do it was simple. Namely, the target knew them and if he recognized them the ZOO would quickly imerge into chaos and they couldn't risk it. They already gambled quite a bit by dressing Rico up in a zookeeper outfit and letting his girlfriend, Perky, do the make-up so his scars weren't too much visible.

"Now, that's unusual." A little penguin named Skipper directed his words to his brothers. Him and a tall penguin sat behind a rock, hiding from the visitors' eyes.

Skipper lowered his binoculars and gave his right hand man (penguin) Kowalski a meaningful look. Kowalski directed a parabolic microphone at every member of the suspicious human group again but besides occasional orders from a bearded broad-shouldered man there was nothing that would give away the true reason behind men's presence at the ZOO.

"I've got nothing, Skipper." Kowalski informed, taking off the headphones.

Rico upon hearing what his friends were discussing jumped out of the habitat and slipped through the entire zoo square to attack the strong "zookeeper" guy. He puked out a large hammer and was this close to slam the man's combat boots with it when the man kicked him instead. Not too hard obviously but it was enough for Rico to gave him an offended look. The guy himself growled at him like a dog. Rico was ready to throw up a dynamite but he heard his boss screaming in the distance.

"Rico!"

In the blink of an eye, Rico disappeared from his human counterpart's radar.

"I understand you were supposed to play the role of a zookeeper, soldier, but this probably isn't the best time to fight with your pupils, right, Rico?" Rico heard in his earpiece and chuckled at that.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the ZOO, Kowalski hummed in curiosity and switched between the security cameras so he could see what was going on the penguins' habitat. What caught his attention was how quickly the animals reacted, hiding a few items that Kowalski didn't get a chance to examine closely, but he could tell that ordinary birds wouldn't feel compelled to use them.

"Alright, boys. Our target is in the right position." Skipper's voice piqued everyone's interest and their eyes landed on the man walking around the ZOO with his daughter. "Private, your turn."

"Aye, aye, Skippah." Private responded and started walking towards the target. He kept his gaze afar, crashing into the man with as much force as possible.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, sir." Private said innocently as ever.

"Argh! Get off me, you blind child!" The man outraged as Private eargely helped him stood up (not noticing the moment when the pin automatically fastened against the material of his shirt on his nape).

"Daddy, daddy, look! Look, this lemur has some moves!" The little girl cheered, pointing at the ring-tailed lemur with a crown on its little head.

The man broke free from Private's grip, adjusting his leather jacket. After giving one last dirty look at the "troublesome" teenager, he came back to his daughter.

"Again, sir, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean that to happen! Have a nice day" Private shouted, walking away as if nothing happened. "Jesus," he added to himself, not expecting such grumpiness coming off the man who had a child on his own. "Done it, Skippah." He informed his leader.

"It's time to get rid off witnesses." Skipper said, giving Kowalski a sign.

Kowalski nodded and triggered loudspeakers across the zoo; after a moment, a pre-recorded announcement was broadcast: ICE CREAM FOR KIDS ONLY FOR ONE DOLLAR AT THE MINI ZOO.

"Daddy, can I have an ice cream? Please?" The girl asked, leaping happily.

The man's face softened at that. He opened his wallet, took out a dollar and handed it to his daughter. After the girl and all the other kids ran towards the alleged ice cream stand, Skipper moved on to the next phase of the plan.

"Alright, Rico, now!"

Rico grinned and let out his characteristic sadistic laugh out loud. He took a remote control out of one of his many pockets and started walking towards their target.

Meanwhile Kowalski shoved the pad into his backpack and entered the Reptile House, which was currently unoccupied by visitors. After breaking the code lock, he was able to open the door to the area of the building that was exclusively accessible to staff.

"The area is clear, Skipper."

His stance synced up with Rico electrocuring their target and slunging him over his shoulder.

"Well done, boys." Skipper complimented his team but his eyes rested on a group of penguins in the heart of the zoo's square. Mainly on the "bossy penguin" that seemed to stare at Skipper in the same exact way as he did. Maybe Crazy X was actually a little bit right that those penguins were definitely not normal penguins. "It's time to wake up our friend. You can join us, Private, if you don't mind." Skipper added sarcastically when he noticed his youngest soldier fascinated by all the animals. He couldn't really blame him though. Skipper, Kowalski and Rico tried so hard to balance their dangerous lifestyle with raising their adoptive baby brother but it was still difficult especially considering what type of people they constantly had on their backs.

"Ooh, please, just 5 more minutes, Skippah and I'll be right back!" Private responded, throwing a popcorn at the penguins' habitat that were still staring at Skipper full of suspicions.

Skipper smiled under his breath, shaking his head. This kid was going to be a death of him someday.

After Skipper and Rico disappeared from the ZOO's main square and all dissatisfied children and their parents due to the lack of ice cream returned, Private looked at the penguins habitat only to be graced by the animals absence. What the-

"Excuse me." He heard the voice of a little girl next to him, who quickly turned out to belong to the daughter of his teams' target. "I lost my dad and I can't find him. Could you call up my mom, please?"

Private blinked a few times, still confused at the sudden dissappearance of four penguins but quickly nodded in answer to the girl's question.

"Yes, yes, of course. What is your mum's number?" He asked, taking out his phone.

🐧

"Wake up, sleepy head, wakey, wakey." Skipper's voice rang in the man's ears but it was the slap on his face that snapped him back to reality.

The first thing that he saw was Rico's scarred face and his crooked smile.

"Ciao." Rico croaked before letting out a short hoarse chuckle – obviously being the one who hit him.

The man squirmed in his seat. His hands and ankles were bound with black tape and his whole body was tied with some marine ropes to a swivel chair.

Rico took a step back, still grinning like a maniac he was, giving more room to Skipper.

"So, Carl? It's Carl, isn't it? Tell us what is your problem." Skipper said, taking a look at an opened file they were previously given by Buck Rockgut, because, according to him, a former Soviet secret agent under the nickname "Red Squirrel" made a few alliances lately and they had to take care of it since the US government didn't plan to do anything with it.

"What's my problem?! You guys are clearly the ones with the problem! Where is my daughter? And can he stop shining light in my face?" Carl screamed, looking at Kowalski who was blinding him with a flashlight, in a full-fledged interrogation style.

The team only exchanged meaningful glances and Rico took a lamp from a nearby desk and directed its beam onto their target's face.

Carl groaned in defeat.

"Don't you worry about your little birdie, Cal-boy, we're not psychos. At least not as bad as your boss Red Squirrel, am I right?" Skipper asked, placing his hand on the man's shoulder.

Carl remained silent, keeping his gaze up on Skipper which was enough to convince the guys that the alias Red Squirrel rang a bell.

Suddenly they heard the sound of the door opening and Private stood in them with a tension-wrench and a medium hook in his hand (while behind him four slim, tiny figures slipped inside unnoticed).

"I knocked!" Private responded defiantly, stuffing the thief tools back into his pockets. "By the way did you know that our neighbour Alice is working here...?"

Meantime a group of penguins analyzed what was going on before them in silence, hidden in the corners of the room.

"You...! I should have guessed earlier that it must be your kid!" Carl spat out at the three men.

Rico rolled his eyes and barked something incomprehensible, making some weird gestures with his hands.

Kowalski's brow arched and he responded back by using the same unknown sign language, so different than a regular ASL that Phil used.

"No one's gonna make any sort of acid to threw at this guy, Kowalski. At least not now." Skipper stated but the corner of his mouth twitched up when he saw pure horror on Carl's face.

"Kowalski?" Skipper's penguin counterpart narrowed his eyes in confusion, exchanging glances with his Kowalski.

Human-Rico let out a dissapointed gasp.

"I appreciate your dedication, soldier but we must eliminate this guy anyways." Skipper stated.

"No! Listen, man, I'll tell you everything. Everything that you guys want to know... I actually admire all of guys very much..." Carl babbled, clearly trying to save his own skin.

"...okay. Rico." Skipper said, not buying the other man's praise.

Rico enthusiastically take out the pliers from the pocket of his pants.

"Daisy is safe, sir. You don't have to act like that to protect her. Her mom already picked her up." Private inserted himself into the conversation between his brothers and the target. His voice friendly and expression thoughtful as he directed those words towards Carl.

Rico groaned at that with resignation, knowing that when Private was starting speaking like that it was 85% chance that the guy they were interrogitating would completely melt under the boy's naive charm.

And he wasn't wrong whatsover.

Soonly after that Carl was spilling them all the things that he knew about Red Squirrel but, as it turned out, he really didn't have anything interesting or new to say. It looked like he was seriously the dumbest person to choose as an ally and a partner in crime.

"It may seem like he was doing it to take a revenge on Rockgut, but the boss is really considerate. He doesn't wish harm upon the people associated with him..."

"It doesn't even make sense!" Kowalski commented at the obvious lack of logic behind man's words. "Red Squirrel tried to get rid of us all. Using very stupid and amateur methods to do so but still." He added as he reminded himself of that one time when Red Squirrel created missiles in the shape of an acorn that he intended to throw at the New York civilians.

"He wasn't acting like himself at all..." Carl tried to defeat his boss but he was quickly cut off by Skipper.

"Don't try to charm me here, Carlos. Boys, we are going home we won't get anything out of this guy."

Carl sighed in relief but his smile quickly disappeared when the guys left the room... leaving him tied up, entirely on his own.

"Private, do you have a list? I believe today is the grocery day."

"Right there, Skippah!"

While the four humans were leaving the zoo, four penguins sneaked into the zookeeper Alice's office, hacking into her computer.

"They know our names, not good..." the penguin's leader pondered out loud, walking back and forth on the Alice's desk while Kowalski clicked buttons on the keyboard.

"These are clearly their own names, sir. Maybe it's just coincidence." Private stated. Even though he didn't get to know these people closely, his gut told him they weren't evil. On the contrary, they seemed to be in tune just like their little penguin troop.

"You know what I think about so-called coincidences. Manfredi and Johnson also believed in coincidences. They didn't even manage to blink twice before their lookalikes stabbed them in the back..."

"Ahem, Skipper, I managed to break into the government's database and it looks like those humans are..." Kowalski spoke up, connecting the computer with their calculator-speaker-translator like device.

"CIA'S CONTRACT KILLERS. TERRORISTS. GROUP OF FORMER COMMANDOS. WANTED BY THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, THE EUROPEAN UNION, CHINA, CUBA, KENYA AND MADAGASCAR." The speaker's robotic voice resounded.

"And everything's clear now." Skipper said and slammed his fist against his other flipper. "We're going to report those criminals to the state and serve our country, bringing the peace to the world."

"Ermm, Skippah, don't you think it's a bit surprising that they've been in every place we were?" Private asked, looking at the screen of the computer.

"When you're saying this outloud, Private, it really sounds weird." Skipper admitted, narrowing his eyes once more when he looked at the photos of those 'criminals'.

"And the whole Red Squirrel stuff. How would they know?"

"It's easy, Private. It's probably one of his schemes to mess with our heads and distract us from something bigger going on by sending clones that were supposed to mimic us as humans. Which only brags the question..." Kowalski explained. "How did he do that?!" He added, jealousy caused by the fact that he didn't come up with this first audible.

"Or they are regular humans who just share a lot of similarities with us." Private shrugged but Skipper waved off his statement.

"Where do they live, Kowalski?"

"According to our sourcers: near Deere Park."

"In the bushes? Who as a mentally stable person lives there?"

"Well, nobody. There is no to little housing avaiable in that area but apparently our targets like the thrill of adrenaline. Or they're hermits." Kowalski stated.

"I don't know what that means but it sounds similiar to hippies. Rico," Skipper pointed at the other penguin. "Behind the wheel."

🐧

As it turned out getting to Staten Island where the four strange men lived from Manhattan took a bit more time than Penguins initially estimated. To such an extent that the suspicious group of humans managed to do their shopping before it got completely dark outside. The magenta 1972 Ford Econoline Van rolled through one of the streets before turning onto a forest road.

Kowalski pressed a button on the remote control inside the car, causing a plate imitating a grassy surface to open wide and the car to descend into its underground garage. After all four of them got out of the shelter, the plate automatically lowered.

"Is it healthy to eat ice cream before bed?" Private asked, carrying a shopping bag in one hand and holding the popsicle in the other.

"Nope, but the sugar will keep us up for a few hours." Kowalski responded, licking his own ice cream, two Walmart bags in his hand.

"I like your way of thinking, Kowalski. Thanks to that, we'll figure out the Penguins' case and close it by tomorrow." Skipper stated, playing with a popsticle stick before chewing it between his teeth again.

"And I think we should leave them alone." Private stated.

"Oh, sweet Private." Skipper sighed, wrapping his arm around tennager's shoulders as they walked towards the hatch door of their bunker. "I told you something about the pigeons being spies for government. It's probably the same case with penguins."

Rico put the groceries down and started turning the wheel of the hatch. When it opened they went down one by one. The interior of the bunker was covered with grayish-brown tiles. After descending down the ladder, guests were greeted by a big living room and kitchen. On the left side, there was a door that led to Kowalski's lab and the rest of the bunker's rooms.

"Hi, guys. Look at the new nail extensions that were being sold at my workplace." Perky's happy voice rang out in the room as she approached the guys, showing off the pink nail extentions with the small golden stars on them.

But before she managed to take an another step further, she felt strong arms around her waist and heard an enthusiastic but raspy "Doll!". And then she completely forgot what she was talking about and pulled Rico closer to the point that both of them almost fell on the small table in the base, their lips moving in synch.

Kowalski covered Private's eyes, shielding him from the shameless making out session taking place in front of them, meanwhile him and Skipper exchanged glances.

"I call you to order, soldier!" Skipper finally spoke up.

"Well, this expression can't be really used in the context-" Kowalski commented but one sharp look from Skipper was enough to silence him. "Oh, right, sorry." He added and gave himself a slap on the face before his brother could.

After this short interaction, the "household" members began unpacking the shopping bags.

Skipper took out the box with a bluefish that he bought at port market and sniffed it in delight.

"Guys, today's dinner will be one of the kind." He stated, putting it on the counter and getting back to the rest of the shopping bags.

"Alright, boys, it's our moment," Skipper the Penguin couldn't say anything more because Skipper the Human exposed their cover by lifting an exceptionally large plastic bag.

Human-Skipper looked down at four birds, putting one of his hands on his hip.

"Well, Crazy X wasn't crazy at all!" He announced and Private the Human peeked over Skipper's shoulder.

"Dang it, we've got exposed!" Penguin-Skipper shouted. "Kowalski, Rico, you will take-"

But the three other penguins were far more occupied with looking at (now) four men and a woman in front of them.

"Hey Skippah, look, it's the adorable one I told you about." Human-Private said, pointing at Penguin-Private and then extending his hand towards an animal. "May I?" He asked his penguin equivalent.

"Ooh, with pleasure." Penguin-Private said even though his words were incomprehensible for human ears and leaned into the teen's hand.

Both Skippers gave their youngest brothers a sharp look and then directed their commands to their respectful scientists: "Kowalski, analysis."

"I reluctantly have to agree with Private that they seem to be our human versions, Skipper." Penguin-Kowalski said, clearly not satisfied with the fact that his theory didn't turn out to be true.

"No matter how crazy it may sound: X must have been telling the truth. Those are the commando penguins." Human-Kowalski told Human-Skipper in the similiar tone as his penguin version.

Both Ricos looked at each other, murmuring something to themselves and shrugging.

Penguin-Kowalski took out the speaker and started typing the message for fellow humans and then turned the audio on, showing them the screen.

"WE UNDERSTAND YOU." The robotic sound of the speaker echoed.

Penguin-Skipper felt his flipper itching to slap Kowalski.

"What are you doing for Pete's sake, Kowalski?"

"The first rule of contacting with different species is trying to start the conversation." Penguin-Kowalski stated.

Meanwhile, Human-Kowalski looked like he was struck by a sudden realization.