#hoplessness

Lots of people are scared of talking to each other. Me? Im scared of myself more than anyone else.

Scared that I am the problem.

I tell myself that im making it all up.

Say that im fine.

Because that’s what everyone else thinks.

And that must be true right?

If everyone else thinks it.

Scared that people are using me.

Also scared that im using other people.

That I don’t care about them.

That im only using them because I cant make friends normally.

That im just using them to vent.

I try to avoid it.

Try to keep it all in, But it occasionally spills out.

They say im manipulative.

Am I?

Scared that im not helping them enough.

Im trying to help them.

Trying to listen.

Trying to make them feel better.

But is it helping at all?

Is it actually making them feel better?

Do they hate me?

Because I pretend it helps me.

Maybe they’re lying too.

Scared that im useless.

That im doing this for attention.

Because im not good enough for someone to care in real time.

I write and write wondering if im making at all up.

Wondering if im weak for not being able to keep it in.

[Text ID: Her dreams sinking into the mire like wounded swallows; all that she longed for, all that she had denied herself, all that she might have had! And for what? For what?]

I hate this life.

I want to escape.