#heart string

your love is a threat and I'm nauseous

The big three of long distance

we'd all get dressed in green and learn about turning off lights when you leave the room and reuse paper from old notebooks.

this particular week, we were planting little trees in the front of the school yard. sat on the tarmac while the local pastor prayed for the plants. I remember thinking this was a good idea for a catholic school, as plants like being talked to and the prayer would help them grow.

at the end, we each received a little packet with a cotton pad and seedlings in. The rest of the day spent learning in class about how to love and care for our little plants.

I was very conscious about this being my first plant and that I had to take very good care of it. It was a strange form of guilt when I found it dead on the window sill.

the same hesitation followed me along with each plant I since owned. Each time, I felt a little more bad when they eventually died.

after breaking up with my playground boyfriend, i was surprised to find the same guilt when I couldn't look him in the eye. Knowing I had to be careful and still hurt him anyway.

From then on, I kinda assumed that I just wasn't very good at loving in the same way I wasn't good at gardening.

a few months ago, I got a cactus. A few months ago, I spent sleepless nights trying to convince myself I don't know the rushing feeling rattling in my ribs.

This bluey scene has been rolling around in my empty head a for a while now.

Specifically bingo saying that the reason bluey took her first steps in the kitchen cause "maybe you saw something you wanted"

Right now obviously this episode (baby race) is supposed to be able Chilli learning she's a good mom even though she feels like she's "falling behind". Now I see you, and I raise you this :

People saying that you shouldn't stick around for other people when you have depression, is a bit too surface level. It's always irked me and I couldn't explain it until I could relate it to this episode. Stick with me here.

The thing about depression isn't just being sad or yearning for death all the time. It's getting so unbearably miserable that it makes you tired. You don't want to do anything. You don't want anything. Everything just gets so dull. Hobbies. People. Life.

With this understanding of that aspect, we're gonna put a pin in it. Next, we're talking about the one thing my ex posted about that still sticks with me, even though it's been 6+ years. It wasn't a great situation, but they posted to their story late one evening about how "even though I'm in a relationship, doesn't mean I don't have depression anymore. Having a boyfriend doesn't take away the sadness".

Years later, at the tail end of a 3 year relationship - that had been dragged out for way too long - I finally understood what they meant. I was getting increasingly frustrated that even though there was no 'valid reason to be upset', I still had this pressing need to end it all.

Being co dependant on your partner is never a good thing. You have to still be capable of being your own individual and grow on your own. This, however, does not take away from the fact that having someone for support and community is a good thing.

The first scary part about realising I had romantic feelings for a close friend, was that it would end badly. I've always needed a lot of attention and time to feel steady.

I found to be very different this time. Keeping it bottled up for months, waiting for it to fade away, just gave me more time to worry about what I'd be feeling when they left. The line of thinking that led me to evaluate what I feel with them around in the first place.

Trying to explain to my friends what exactly has me hung up on this guy, in a way that was so new it was nauseating. The simple answer, is that he makes me happy.

Although realistically, I know that if he were to move on, the world would not end. It wasn't the "need" aspect that led to previous co dependant relationships. I just liked having him around.

It pushed me to start engaging with my hobbies and interests more, purely so I can show them. Making note of things about my day to tell him about, instead of just floating through it in detached apathy.

It was like everything had colour again and there was a path forward. It wasn't just enduring endless days of gloom just to spare loved ones from grief. It was enduring because now I could see a future that was happy. Not just isolation and muscle memory or routine.

Now let's go back to that first point. Depression is a fickle thing. Nothing seems worth it and the hopelessness of it all has you believing it's better to not want anything at all, rather than being disappointed again. Nerves can only take so much pain before they become numb entirely. You get use to not wanting anything.

Until you do. Which was scary. Wanting a future with who has, essentially, become my best friend rather than just waiting for it to end. Wanting to reach my goals, not just because they're worth fighting for, but because someone believes in me. They're watching and will be waiting at the finish line. I now have someone to make proud when I feel like nothing is wroth the effort.

When I fail, it doesn't diminish my worth because they've proven I can still be loveable even when I'm not preforming. I can want and it's alright if I fail to get it. Because the fundamental part of wanting is something I already have.

Early on, there was a lot of worry that I'm selfish. Selfish for wanting the next thing just as I reached my previous goal. Who am I to ask for more? Yet, I now know that I am willing to want more, because risking loosing what I've already achieved is much less scary when he is a constant.

I can always want him because I can always have him. So, even though it's not the usual book trope of being so intertwined that loosing the other would drive you to death. I know it would just go back to before. The lack of wanting. I would not die, but it would be as if someone has ripped a limb from my body. My heart from my chest.

Why does life now seem more worth living? Maybe you found the person you wanted.

"why did I take my first steps in the kitchen?"

I've adjusted our tattoo mockup to include minor details, that only they'd understand. small comforts and references in things that would have already been there from the start. Now it just includes a thread if my heart each time.

It's laughable how easy it was to convince others if this change. Not that they can be blamed. There's just something about having physical proof. I fear there will never be away to fully explain the sentimentality of each choice we've made.