mariyam

This was a hard hit..

I wish I could forget you entirely, as if you never existed to begin with

When I was thinking about the next dating science blog I should write I remembered one of the missing pieces was that I couldn’t give you a good enough answer to ‘What man/woman should I go for?’ in my Long-Term Relationships blog. I told you to just rely on your life experience, but as I started to think about it more and do more research on dating and relationship science I got a better grasp of the picture of qualification and screening.

I feel confident enough now in my knowledge and experience to help guide you to find out which man or woman you should choose.

First things first, you’re going to need attraction, appreciation, emotional responsiveness, and reciprocity before you even begin qualification or your efforts will fall on deaf ears. If you find yourself having to work too hard for a minimal return on time, energy, and emotional investment from her I recommend moving onto the next.

Alright, now let’s begin, Qualification and Screening is where the woman you’ve attracted works to ‘win you over.’ It’s more rewarding to have to work to win over someone’s interest legitimately rather than to just have them love you for your prestige, money, or good looks. (Although there’s nothing wrong with that if these feelings of shallow attraction are mutual.)

If she doesn’t have to work to earn your interest it’s likely she will feel that you only want her for her looks and will feel more insecure about your attraction to her. If all he likes is my looks, what happens after he gets what he wants? Or a more beautiful woman comes along? Your interest will feel more validating and satisfying to her emotionally if she feels that it’s about something special about her.

Flirting is more fun and rewarding for a woman if you ask her qualification and screening questions and you reward her with authentic compliments. Having her work to win you over builds her emotional investment in the relationship and the more she has to work to ‘win you over’ the more she will appreciate your attraction to her.

Being some kind of a challenge and not immediately running into the arms of the first person that is interested in you sub communicates you are a man of value that can afford to be discerning about the kind of women you allow into your life. Having standards shows you know what you want out of life and a relationship which makes you more attractive to every woman, not just the one you’re speaking to in the moment.

When you start the qualification and screening process here are some broad characteristics to keep in mind:

Mental Health: How is her mood and general emotional affect? Is she usually cheerful, positive, upbeat, and proactive? Or depressed, pessimistic, anxious and frustrated? Does she have healthy lifestyle choices in her personal life? Or does she have addictions, obsessions, and compulsions? Mentally healthy women will have more and better dates, relationships, sex, and passion.

Intelligence: A more intelligent women will have more interesting conversations with you. They’re usually better employees which helps them get promoted faster, build more successful businesses, have a bigger paycheck, and manage their finances better. They will also give better career and relationship advice if you ask for it. In general they will be more easily be able to manage the administrative work of their own personal life and your life.

Conscientiousness: The more conscientious your partner is the more likely her conscientiousness will rub off on you. The more conscientious she is the less likely she is to cheat. She will be more reliable, honest, straightforward, and trustworthy. She will be more likely to take better care of her health, her physical appearance, her mental health, her career, and her finances. She will be better at planning ahead for more enjoyable holidays, travel, and dates. And she will create more reliable and consistent social arrangements for the both of you.

Emotional Intelligence: The more emotional intelligence a woman has the better she will convey empathy, kindness, and compassion which will make for a much better partner and lover. Emotional intelligence helps to avoid arguments, resolve conflicts, and makes for a much more enjoyable make-up session. An emotionally intelligent woman is more likely to notice an exhausted partner after a long day and offer nurturing comfort and support.

Social Intelligence: The size and quality of a women’s social circle can be useful for enriching your career network and will improve the quality of your social outings on evenings and weekends. Typically, a popular socially intelligent woman will have more social events available for you to attend. A woman with social intelligence will take some of the burden off of you not always having to always be the sole host, entertainer, and confidant.

Aesthetic Sensibility: A woman with a great sense of personal style will always look great and help you look great. Her aesthetic sensibility will improve the quality of your home environment and have a big impact on your daily mood. Being with a woman who has great fashion sense will make you proud to show her off and she will create a gorgeous functional home where you can both entertain your guests.

Sex Drive: A balance in sex drive will help both partners feel more satisfied with their relationship. If one partner wants more or less sex than the other it can make them feel annoyed, resentful, nagged, frustrated, and perhaps even eventually lead to affairs where one partner can feel more satisfied with their sex life.

Relationship History: Depending on what kind of relationship you’re looking for in the moment you can screen for that as well. ‘Are you seeing anyone?’ ‘When was your last relationship?’ ‘How long did it last?’ ‘Why did it end?’ ‘Did you see other people?’ Based on their answers you’ll be able to tell whether they have been long term relationship material in the past and if they’re currently looking for another long term relationship again or just want to have fun.

I think that covers the main macro personality traits for qualification. Some of the other topics for qualification could include Education, Career, Travel, Hobbies, Pets, and Cooking.

In general the process of qualification goes like this:

Qualification Question or Statement: “What are some of your hobbies?” “You look like a person who enjoys working out.” “Do you like to travel?”

Her Response: I love travelling. I recently went to Mexico with family. It was so nice to enjoy the beach, sunshine, cool breeze, and relax with friends and family. The water was the most crystal clear blue and so refreshing. It makes me smile thinking back on it. We went to XYZ resort and I would totally recommend it.

Explore the Topic Together: Oh really, that sounds great. I went to Mexico with friends last year too. It was so nice to get away from the cold winter weather in November and December. It was all-inclusive so the food and drinks were included. It was delicious! I enjoyed the beach too, the breezy days were my favorite, that way it wasn’t too hot and I could actually enjoy the beach and swim in the water.

Compliment Her: That’s cool you travel a lot. I like people who are worldly and have lots of stories of their travels to share. It makes for more interesting conversation, a more well-rounded perspective, and plenty of interesting memories and pictures to share with people. Feel free to take me on a tour of your travel pictures and memories anytime.

Next Qualifier Question or Statement: “So are you a TV or movie fan?” “You look like someone who’s very well read.” “I loved the latest season of Game of Thrones.”

You have to seem attainable or the woman will lose interest. The effort and energy you put into your compliment of her should be proportional to the effort she’s putting into answering your qualification questions or statements.

What you’re doing here is trying to foster a feeling of natural chemistry and genuine emotional connection. So you shouldn’t fire off too many questions at once. This shouldn’t feel like a job interview for her, but like a fun enjoyable natural curiosity, chemistry, and connection.

Pay close attention to the level of compliance you’re getting in your qualification questions. If she consistently gives one word or flippant answers to your questions I recommend moving onto the next.

In general you can use three different types of qualifiers:

Soft: Simple yes or no questions. “Do you workout?” “Do you like Ice Cream?” “Do you enjoy dancing?” “Are you a dog person?”

Medium: Open questions related to a specific topic. “So you’ve been travelling recently? Where did you go? What was it like?”

Hard: Very wide open questions that specifically push her to demonstrate her value to you. “What’s your story?” “So who are you? Tell me about yourself?” “What are three things about you that would make me want to get to know you more?” “Why are you special?” “What are you really passionate about?” “What are your greatest attributes?”

You can also use statements to screen for character traits too if you so desire. “I love women that are intelligent and educated. Their conversation and debate is so much more interesting.” “The quickest way to my heart is through a good meal!”

Medium and hard qualifiers can sometimes be difficult for the person to answer right away so don’t be afraid to give them time. Don’t worry if they can’t seem to answer your qualification questions or statements either. As long as you can see they’re putting a sincere effort in trying to answer you you’re doing well. If they like you enough and trust you they will be more than willing to let you show them whatever topic you’re interested in screening them on anyway.

You should sit down and think of all the ideal qualities you want in a woman. These qualifiers are just examples and won’t come across as powerfully or smoothly as qualities you genuinely desire and want in a romantic partner. Your sub-communications are always the best when you’re being authentic about what you desire in a woman.

Just a few caveats to be careful of:

1) If you’re interested in career ambition, money, and prestige learn to be subtle about it. Screening too long or too hard on career can make it seem like you’re only after money.

2) When you screen for relationship history try not to linger on past lovers too much. It can make it seem like you or them are still hung up in the past.

3) The harder and more sincerely you screen for something the more you should try to embody the quality yourself. After all it only seems fair doesn’t it? And you are more likely to succeed attracting people who already embody similar characteristics to yourself.

4) Complimentary differences in personality can be a powerful factor in attraction. You have to be careful though as a relationship progresses not to use the other’s strengths as a crutch and instead as a chance to expand one’s life experiences, habits, and skills. Growing into a better couple together by assimilating strengths rather than falling deeper into differences will prevent you from drifting into resentment, disagreement, and breaking up over the long term. It’s a delicate balance between similarity and complimentary differences in your partner such that over the long term your traits won’t grow to eventually contradict each other.

Show a woman that you see her in the way she has always wanted to be seen and appreciate her for things she has always longed to be appreciated for and you will have her looking back on the interaction with fondness and a feeling of genuine connection.

–Dynamox6

References

Savoy, Nick. It’s Your Move: How to Play the Game and Win the Man You Want. Grand Central Publishing, 2013.

Max, Tucker, and Geoffrey Miller. Mate: Become the Man Women Want. Little, Brown and Company, 2015.

Savoy. Magic Bullets. Classic Books Publishing, 2009.

Sinn and Vision. LoveSystems Interview Series Vol. 8: Qualification. https://www.lovesystems.com/collections/interview-series/products/interview-series-vol-8-qualification

When people tell me relationships are built on hardships and strain, I don’t believe them. Yes, there are times when all you want to do is scream at them. Yes, there are times when you think it’s over.

But once the issue is solved and mutual understanding settles the dust, it’s the most liberating you will feel. You will feel no strain, only pure power and strength. This is what a relationship is: the strength after the battle.