#headupwingsout

The lack of 2017 races probably made this one fairly obvious, but I don’t think I was really ready to talk about, admit it or call it what it is till about November. So while not really a shocker here, what follows is my formal retirement letter to track and field.

3rd year of medical school was hard, harder than I thought it would be anyway after everything I put myself through first and second year getting ready for the trials and step 1 exams. I had some momentum in my legs still in late 2016 after the trials, but what I lacked was the heart. I found some little things to chase again, I set a course record at the Indy Monumental 5k in 16:18 my second fastest 5k ever and actually had my first enjoyable experience in the 5k, but then 2017 and the firestorm of long hours and Step 2 studying really began to set in. It was hard to get on an outdoor track alone in the middle of winter before of after a 10+ hour day and quite honestly I found it really easy to give in to the idea that what I was starting to care more about wasn’t will I be ready to race a mile again in a couple months but will I be a kick ass candidate for residency in a year. Back in January of last year there was still a part of me that thought maybe I wanted to be an orthopedic surgeon and I found myself actually ready to give all of myself over to everything it would take to achieve that dream over racing a mile again. So I got a few workouts in and I raced an 800 and a 1500 at Hillsdale. The joy of spiking up and racing was still there, but part of me knew my heart wasn’t in it. I forced it a little longer and raced the Monumental Mile in June and knew I needed to be done. It wasn’t so much I was disappointed with my 4:43 as it was I was disappointed that I knew that time was racing above my fitness level and that the burning desire to do something to remedy it just wasn’t there. The lack of that desire is what bothered me most of all and I needed to just step away for a bit, it was something I hadn’t experienced before.

Being a semi-finalist at the Olympic Trials was honestly more than I thought I could ever achieve running. I just loved to run. I never really thought I could or would make it a career. I just loved the challenge of racing people I knew were better, stronger, faster, and making my self go to that gut tearing painful place to be there with them and not left behind. I loved trying to see just how fast I could go and I knew the 4:13 I left college with wasn’t my limit. I gave every ounce of myself to a goal that 4 years before I didn’t believe I could actually achieve and I loved every often painful moment of pushing myself to get there. After the trials, I just didn’t feel like I had anywhere else I could go, I had already gone beyond what I thought was even possible for me as a runner. I was also a 2nd going into 3rd year medical student. The week I came home from trials I got my second set of board scores, I was starting my first clerkship and I was back charging down my path towards becoming a physician having finally gotten over the first and biggest hurdle to that dream, Step 1 exams. For medical students this is basically the one freaking number that either opens or closes doors in you face for residency, your time to compare against the A and B standard for whatever kind of doctor you want to be.

So sure in terms of running goals I never quite formally broke that elusive 4:30 mark in the mile and the thought of doing that certainly kept me going till the end of 2016, but after trying to race the 1500 again I couldn’t help but think, maybe I should leave my last beautiful moments with the 1500 be. The feeling of racing myself to the place where I could literally push no harder. Crying on coach’s shoulder not because I didn’t make the final but because I still couldn’t believe that we actually made it there and I competed like I belonged. The feeling of being surrounded by so many amazing past and present teammates, family members and coaches that believed in me and helped me get to where I was standing that day doing the most outrageous thing I’ve ever done. I don’t think any 1500 race I run will I ever feel like I did then, and that is how I want to remember the 1500, the amazing time I had as part of the Haute Volee of Oiselle, and the incredible journey that my coaches teammates friends and family went on with me.

So I am hanging up my spikes in the 1500. My journey with the mile has taught me so much about myself and what I can do. It has brought into my life so many amazing coaches, teammates and friends, all of whom I can never say thank you enough to no matter how hard I try. A very special shout out to Oiselle for taking a chance on a med student with a crazy dream and for supporting and traveling along with me on my crazy journey. I will proudly be a member of the flock for as long as I can to continue to support the amazing things you do for other bad-ass women with wild dreams like mine.