#he loved

I’d been hoping that I could avoid this moment forever, but no amount of delusion on my part could convince me that this is not inevitable.

Considering my friend’s question with a sigh that I don’t refrain from, I give her a sheepish smile. Of course, she has every right to ask me the status of my — now admittedly — foolish pursuit for Lord Seokjin, the popular yet enigmatic leader of the Kim forces. I feel embarrassed of myself enough about it without her reminder, but I know that she’ll ask me sooner or later. There goes my hopeless hope that she will somehow forget so that my humiliating behaviour and immature feelings would almost never have happened, except in my own head. Because I’m sure that I’ll never forget.

However, I have no one to blame but myself. For weeks I obsessed over the man, determined to somehow beat the countless other ladies vying for his attention, even going so far as to ask my friend for help, without realising that my feelings for him were shallow at best. Even now, I can’t fault my friend for asking, not when I was the one who brought up the subject of Jungkook, whose help I’d suggested she employ in order to get closer to Lord Seokjin. As insanely close as she was to Jungkook, I didn’t expect for them to marry. They seemed more like endlessly squabbling siblings than anything else. When I brought it up, she was apologetic, revealing that she’d worked hard to conceal her feelings for Jungkook, but that they were always there. Not that she has to feel sorry for anything. I’m genuinely happy for them, although sometimes I wonder if their silly quibbles now are due to force of habit.

“Sorry that I wasn’t able to help much in the end,” she says apologetically, but the smile on her face is beatific. “Things just happened with Jungkook and I got distracted, then there was the wedding...” I shake my head, nudging the corners of my mouth to stretch upwards as I tell her that it’s fine, that she has nothing to worry about. But when she adds energetically, “Oh, but I managed to mention it to Jin’s cousin as well! Although—“ It became so painful that I just have to stop her.

“You’ve gone to great lengths to help me, so I don’t know how to say this.” It’s a start, I suppose, but I pause there, wondering how to continue. Still, after my shameless behaviour, such embarrassment is more than I deserve, so I continue; “Truthfully, I changed my mind, so you don’t have to find out any information on Lord Seokjin.”

“Oh.” My friend’s eyes fix on the right hand that hovers in the air, stopping her from continuing. Then they lift themselves back up to my face, searching for answers that her mouth can’t seem to ask for. If I wasn’t so busy trying to hide my rueful blush, I’d find the way her lips part, then close, only to open again in attempts to formulate her question undeniably funny. However, I settle for waiting until she has found the right words to throw into the air. They’re simple, but to the point. Blunt, but I understand that it’s the best she can do under her surprised state. I don’t blame her. “Why? You were so determined to find a way to get his heart, too.”

She isn’t exaggerating, which makes me want to disappear through the floor even more. In fact, now that I’ve had time to reflect on my outrageous behaviour in the past, I feel like she’s saying it in the nicest way. Memories of badgering her for any tidbits on Lord Seokjin, unashamedly begging her to ask Jungkook and even Lord Seokjin’s cousin for help, just to possibly put myself ahead of my competition, is nothing short of cringeworthy. The best I can do is shrink myself to the smallest size possible as I scramble to transform my emotions into coherent thoughts. “At first, I thought I was really in love with him. I’m not alone in this I think. I’m sure that’s how all his admirers feel. He’s handsome, admired by both men and women. Even though he is powerful and can probably get anything he wants, he’s still kind and friendly to everyone.” These are great qualities, and enough to enchant any woman. No, just his looks are gorgeous enough to make countless women fall at his feet. I wasn’t the only one who’d been bewitched by his spell, but I wish I’d been wiser. A heavy sigh, not my first, escapes me as I deflate even more, this time without meaning to. “Still, these are just superficial qualities. I don’t really know him at all. While I have no doubt that he is an amazing person as well as a great lord, there’s no telling if I would actually love him if I really knew him. I guess I was too hasty in analysing the sincerity of my feelings towards him.”

For a few moments, she is struck with awe over my realisation. On the other hand, I don’t find it impressive at all, so I simply avoid her admiring gaze. It’s something I should have known from the start, but I was stupid and shallow. Thankfully she recovers quickly enough, clearing her throat before awkwardly telling me, “Uh, I guess it’s just as well, because both of them said—“

“Thank you, but you don’t need to tell me anything about Jin’s preferences,” I interrupt her. “I appreciate it, I really do, but I truly am not interested in forcing a romantic relationship with Lord Seokjin. Or any sort of relationship, for that matter.”

Chuckling as she nods her understanding, she clarifies, “No, no, I’m not trying to tell you how to win his heart.” The air in the room relaxes to match her calmer demeanour now that the uncomfortable subject is drawing to a close. “It’s just that they both said that it’s best not to chase him, because you’ll only hurt yourself in the end.”

Part of me burns with curiosity over the reason behind their advice. Why would I hurt myself if I keep going? Is someone like me so very out of his league? They couldn’t be judging by my personality. While Jungkook does know me, Lord Seokjin’s cousin has never met me before. I’ve only seen her from afar, taking the chance to get a glimpse of the female hero who saved our town from an invasion several months ago. She wouldn’t know if I’m the type of woman Lord Seokjin would like or not. Still, before I can let these probabilities consume my thoughts, I push them resolutely out of my head. Acquiring answers to them would serve me no purpose, as I’ve lost my immature interest in the man.

“I am at my wits’ end,” Kyoko, another friend of mine laments on a different day. Her best friend, Mari, adopts a duly concerned manner, expressing her understanding by patting her friend’s back and nodding. Meanwhile, I can’t help but think that I missed something.

“Was the fight such a horrible one? What happened, actually?” I ask, trying to understand the situation, but she seems too distressed to answer.

“It just pains me to talk about it. But it was all my fault,” she says, lower lip trembling as she holds back her tears. “We were so close before, and now she wouldn’t even see me.”

“And that is why you need me to send this letter to her?” The object causing this discussion has already been handed to me. I hold the missive in my hand more carefully, now understanding its importance. She nods, then shakes her head when I ask, “Is it not better if you give it to her yourself?”

“She must have told them about me, because I get turned away every time I go there,” she explains sadly. The workplace of Kyoko’s friend is on a street that I’m unfamiliar with, so I’m not sure if the other employees are unfriendly or actually good people who are just following the orders given by her. Either way, seeing Kyoko in this state gives me determination to help set things right between the two friends, so I agree to the task.

“I will pass this to her first thing tomorrow,” I promise, but before I can turn around completely and leave, she squeals, “No!” The ground crunches softly under my feet as they twist back so I can face her quizzically.

“She is only there in the evenings,” Kyoko explains her sudden outburst. “Please, you have to go now.”

Looking back upon this later, a woman working into the night and thus having to leave at who knows what hour is highly irregular. Really, it isn’t just that. The whole thing, from the situation to Kyoko’s behaviour is actually quite suspicious. I suppose I am a fool for not noticing it now, not even thinking to question Kyoko’s cough that sounds suspiciously like a giggle. All that is in my mind is simply to help her make things right.

The sun slips towards the Earth as I make my way towards the shop that Kyoko had described. Streets seem to become wider as crowds thin, trickling into their homes for the night. Passers-by, almost all of them men, start giving me curious glances, especially after I find the street that the shop is supposed to be on, but I avoid them by keeping my eyes either on the ground or steadfastly forward. I wish I can send a message home to tell my parents that I’ll be late, but there’s no helping it now. If I just pass the letter and return home immediately, I don’t think I’ll be horribly late. Yet I start to plan my apology in my mind, knowing the scolding that is to come upon my arrival.

Kyoko’s friend apparently works at a place that looks more like a small house than a shop. However, I pay it no mind, knocking without any hesitation as I’m growing anxious of the darkening skies. An irritable woman opens the door just the tiniest crack and her greeting is curt upon seeing me. “Are you lost, girl?”

“No,” I answer quickly, for some reason wary of her closing the door in my face. “I have a letter here for Miss Tomiko.”

“No one by that name here,” she says dismissively, more than ready to turn me away.

“Wait! There must be some mistake.” My hand flies to hold the door, keeping it in place. It isn’t a gesture that the woman appreciates, clearly, as the frown that’s etched on her face deepens even further. Luckily for me, a man walks up behind me, seeking entry. Perhaps he is a regular customer, as the surly woman slides the door fully open with a smile that looks so unnatural on her that it’s almost painful to watch. The important thing is that I manage to take the opportunity to slip in as well. She doesn’t notice at first, instead calling, “Kiyo! We have another customer!” to someone from inside the house. I hear a door slide open from somewhere within, unseen due to my angle but it must have been close, for other sounds accompany the employee’s answer to the summons. Belatedly realising what this place is, I take an involuntary step back, shocked and horrified.

My startled movement draws the attention of the old woman, who immediately squawks, “Hey, how did you get in?” Apparently she has completely forgotten that she was the one who gave me a chance to enter just a few moments earlier. Kiyo, the girl who came out to join us, can’t be much older than I am, and she regards me with a mixture of curiosity and disapproval. She lays a hand on the customer’s arm, a gesture asking him to wait before asking me, “What business do you have here, Miss?” She’s a lot more polite than the older woman, but her tone speaks volumes of her impression of my presence, which is actually quite similar to her coworker. And now that I know where I actually am, their reception is completely understandable. While the realisation has set my heart racing with nervousness and my feet itching to run, somehow I’m still standing there. The shock of learning that I’m in a brothel may have actually frozen me in place.

It takes another “Miss?” from Miss Kiyo for me to remember the letter in my hand and the purpose of my visit. “I—I have a letter for Miss Tomiko.” As if needing to prove my claim, I hold out the letter up to the two women.

Her response this time is the exact one that I’ve gotten before. “There is no one here by that name.” The desperation must have shown on my face, because she looks back at the older woman to confirm. “Is there?” Of course, the answer is negative. “Who is the letter from? Why is it so important to give it to this Miss Tomiko?”

“It is from a friend of mine,” I start to explain, but with every word I decelerate, the heavy feeling in my chest increasing at a rapid pace. “She said... that they got into a row and she would like to patch things up with her.”

The three of them, even the customer look at one another; the cross woman with an exasperated eye-roll and the man with pity while Miss Kiyo fidgets uncomfortably, their reactions giving more weight to my newly arising doubts. Even the latter’s; “Maybe she told you the wrong place by mistake?” sounds feeble and small, an obvious attempt to make me feel better about the awful situation I’m in. Everyone has come to the same conclusion, but no one is eager to put it into words, least of all myself. The air, which I find alien enough after finding out just what sort of a ‘shop’ this is, becomes even more awkward as I struggle to find a way to exit. The urge to grab the door again is even stronger than before, this time in order to flee from embarrassment, fear and sheer awkwardness.

“Maybe you should accept that your friend tricked you into coming here.” An unexpected but melodious voice joins us, followed by the appearance of the most beautiful man I have ever seen. Actually, this is not the first time I’ve seen him, but the fact remains that I have never met anyone as handsome as he is. Unfortunately, Lord Seokjin’s dashing looks is completed with an accessory in the form of a pretty woman clinging onto his arm, which dampens my excitement somewhat. Still, her presence prevents me from forgetting where I am, and I silently nod my agreement to his statement. This is mortifying enough without me adding any more thoughts into it — everyone present knows I’m stupid enough to be fooled by a friend. A friend who is cruel enough to play such a mean trick on me, the fact that I am in a brothel only hitting me after hearing moans and cries high on pleasure, and my previous crush is here with another woman wrapped around him. Thankfully, the last fact is only known to me, but I lower my eyes to the floor regardless; to convey my remorse and perhaps to spare myself of the saddening sight before me, meekly saying, “I am truly sorry for the trouble I have caused. I will take my leave now.”

“Wait,” Lord Seokjin’s one word, while soft, is firm enough to stop me from turning away. “It is already late. I will accompany you home.”

“Oh.” His kind offer surprises me, and my immediate response is to decline. “Thank you, but there is no need for you to go through the trouble. You can just... stay.” The answer comes tumbling out of my mouth without much thought, and by the end of it, that is the only thing I can think of to say, while awkwardly gesturing to his companion. Despite the awkwardness of the situation, I’m the only one whose face is hot and flushed. Well, considering that this may be the norm for them, I suppose this isn’t exactly surprising. Thankfully, Lord Seokjin cuts through the tension by laughing. His laughter is a funny, squeaky one, far from what I would expect from such a charismatic person. For some reason in my mind Lord Seokjin’s mirth would come out as a manly chuckle, good-natured yet still dignified, befitting of his image. In fact, I’m sure that I’ve heard such laughter when he is among his throng of admirers. From the wide-eyed looks that he’s receiving from the others, I can’t help but think that this is their first time hearing it as well.

Though strangely charming, he catches himself way too quickly, stopping himself with a cough. Part of me wishes he would go on, continuing to distract me from my predicament and making my heart jump strangely in my chest. But the latter is the worst thing that can happen, now that I’ve given him up, and the end of this ordeal is close to ending for me, so perhaps it’s good for both me and Lord Seokjin to come to our senses. “That is quite alright. I am done here anyway.” Well, that explains his presence in the doorway. The woman who’d serviced him must be loath to let him go. I can relate.

“You should stay here longer next time, my Lord,” she croons sexily, loud enough for everyone to hear. “Maybe try some real service.”

The meaning of her last sentence is completely lost on me, but I don’t bother asking because I highly doubt anyone would answer. It’s probably the kind of talk that I’m not used to. Left with no room to object, I wait for Lord Seokjin to say his goodbyes to his companion and the older woman whom he simply addresses as ‘Madam’. He even gives a small nod to the other customer, but completely ignores Kiyo. Perhaps he doesn’t think of her worthy of his notice? That certainly makes my opinion of him dip even lower tonight. However, it’s not my place to say anything about the difference in his treatment of people with different positions, so I allow him to slide the door open for me, then walk side by side away from the brothel.

The walk home is quiet, but only on the outside. Inside my head is whirling with disturbing and troubled thoughts. Is this the reason Jungkook and Lord Seokjin’s cousin cautioned me against pursuing him? Being a ladies’ man is one thing, but cavorting with prostitutes... I wonder if this is a one-time thing, or if I’d stumbled on one of his regular trips. Either way, it’s quite surprising, and not just that he seeks sexual pleasure. Although it shouldn’t be a surprise — Lord Seokjin is also a man with desires and needs. However, I’m sure that he could have any woman he wants, married or not, without having to visit brothels. Frankly, it is disappointing, but I have no right to pass judgement on him. It doesn’t stop me from mulling over it though. Absorbed deep in my thoughts, it takes me a while to realise that Lord Seokjin is regarding me with thinly veiled curiosity as we walk. “Is something the matter?” It may be rude to call him out on his staring, but after all that has happened, does common sense still apply tonight?

To his credit, he doesn’t deny that he was looking at me, choosing to answer me with another question. “Were you really not aware that you were in the pleasure district?”

Other people may have bristled with indignation at his direct manner, seeing the insinuation for ignorance as insulting, but I don’t react the same way. After all, I really am ignorant, truly clueless as to where I was. His accusation is spot on, and I’m not one to take offence at the truth, even if it’s regarding my own weakness. None of my acquaintances have gone there that I know of and I have never had a reason to venture to that area. While I do know that a pleasure district does exist, somehow I have never put the two together — that it is right in the area that I have never ventured into. “It is remiss of me not to notice,” I admit softly, regretful over what I’ve done. “I am sorry for the trouble my ignorance has caused you, Lord Seokjin.” My apology is accompanied by a little bow that he sort of acknowledges by a short pause before walking again without a word. I hurry to follow him, slightly miffed that he’d practically brushed it aside, but when I fall into step with him, I see that he looks pensive. Even in the darkness of the night punctuated by the occasional lamps along the street, Lord Seokjin’s serious look is heart-stopping.

Preparing myself for the continuing silence filled with the soft crunching of the ground under our steps the rest of the way home, I’m startled when he decides to continue our conversation. “So there are people oblivious to the existence of such places in our town,” he says, but not in a mocking way. It’s natural that he comes to that conclusion, and I find myself unable to argue. Seeing my glum expression, he reassures me, “not that it is a bad thing. This is a large town, and I have welcomed people from all walks of life here. That they all survive, able to make a living in this space means I must have done something right. Of course, my ultimate aim is for everyone to prosper, but it is natural that the possibility of a high-born lady such as yourself to visit a place like that is highly unlikely.” His gaze is dark, almost frowning, as if angry at the circumstances that led me to be part of the improbable.

He is right, yet something inside me can’t bring myself to agree with him. Recalling the way I was received at the brothel, and predicting what would happen should the opposite occurs and a prostitute was to turn up at a noble’s doorstep, I just can’t nod and accept that the reality is right. “Even though someone like me may not have a reason to go to the pleasure district, surely it is not wrong for me to go there.” Miss Kiyo’s kind consideration towards me actually hurts. It just highlights the fact that such a reception is unusual, while the Madam’s reaction towards someone like me being there is normal. “Just as it should be fine with them to mingle with people like us. You do it. Is there a reason why I cannot?”

A corner of Lord Seokjin’s lips quirks up briefly, half amused, half disbelieving. “Such naïveté is refreshing. While I am not opposed to it, the world is not as safe a place as you imagine.” He wrenches his eyes away from me once again, peering forwards, yet his mind doesn’t seem to be with his sight. “As much as it saddens me, some people are just not meant to walk under the same daylight as we do.”

Well, isn’t he full of contradictions? Calling me naive, cautioning me against going to such places, when he does it himself! “What were you doing there, then?” I almost clap my mouth shut, but it’s too late to stop myself from blurting out the question. Agh, why did I have to ask him that? I’d already sworn not to care about him anymore!

I didn’t expect him to actually answer, but it’s even more frustrating when he once again responds with another cryptic query of his own, although this time rhetorical; “What other reason is there?”

Now knowing that I’ve been tricked by Kyoko, I’m dreading meeting her again, even though my polite upbringing makes me burn with the obligation to inform her that her letter hasn’t been delivered. Not that it matters, when the intended recipient doesn’t exist in the first place. I still have it with me, despite suspecting that the insides are probably blank. There is no avoiding her forever though, so the next time I see her, I decide to cross the distance between us to greet her instead of running away. I want to believe that the cruel smile she greets me with is only my imagination, but my gut feeling tells me otherwise. Before she can say anything though, I pluck the letter from the folds of my kimono and thrust it out to her. “The ‘friend’ that you want to give this letter to does not work there.” Normally I would lead this by apologising for failing to complete the task, but this time I hardly think it’s necessary. It’s a little weird on my tongue, and feels rude even, but I don’t care. Kyoko doesn’t deserve an apology, not even one out of politeness.

She doesn’t seem perturbed by it either. A grin flashes for a split second before she schools her features into distress. “Are you sure you got the right place?”

Mari, who never fails to stick by her side everywhere she goes, doesn’t bother to hide her snicker this time. “Maybe you should have asked all the shops along the street!”

There’s nothing I’d like more than to slap her across the face. Letting the beautiful image play in my mind, I calm myself, while outwardly answering, “I might have considered that, but a man had most kindly offered to walk me home and I didn’t want to trouble him too much.”

At that, Mari bursts into laughter, and even Kyoko’s face distorts into a mean smirk. “You brought a man from the pleasure district home with you? You fit in better than I thought!” Unlike Kyoko, who is more aware of the people walking around us on the street, Mari doesn’t keep her derisive voice down. “Who was it?”

“Lord Seokjin.”

His name, while uttered in a low volume, is enough to cause Mari’s annoying titters to come to a complete stop. Now it is I who feel an insane urge to laugh my head off, especially when I savour Kyoko’s eyes widening to a comical size. “Lord Seokjin walked you home? You must be joking.”

I shrug nonchalantly, honestly not caring what she thinks. “Whether you believe me or not does not matter to me.”

There’s no doubt that once they get over the initial shock, questions will follow, so I quickly bid my farewell and depart. I didn’t plan on telling them about Lord Seokjin. Honestly, I didn’t even think about what I was going to say to them. It just came out, but right after it did, it occurred to me that it may have been out of line. Considering that I didn’t know that he goes to such places, he may have wanted it to be a secret. Granted, he didn’t tell me to keep quiet about it. Perhaps this is one of those things that is understood without saying. It’s none of my business anyway. Ugh, I am so dumb. But I didn’t exactly specify where I met him, so hopefully they will assume we bumped into each other on my way home. Good thing I made a quick exit just now. Lying has never really been my strong suit.

Cowardly wishing to shake them off should they decide to pursue me for details, I make a beeline for the busy marketplace. Even though the sun is already directly above my head, the winter breeze reigns supreme, overcoming the warm rays to make me shiver with cold. Most people are moving about at a brisk pace, generating as much body heat as possible to counter the chill. So the woman standing in place in the middle of the bustle stands out like a sore thumb. Her problem is immediately obvious; she’s struggling with her many purchases. Already some vegetables have fallen onto the ground, and she’s desperately clutching the rest in her arms so it doesn’t follow them down, while the townspeople simply watch as they pass by. What is wrong with them? I think to myself as I rush forward to help her. Scooping up the fallen produce and grabbing one of the emptier bags from her, it’s only then that I recognise the woman. “Miss Kiyo!”

It takes her a few moments, but she recognises me almost immediately, even though more than a week has passed since I first saw her. Eyes growing wide, she exclaims, “Oh, you’re the lady from that time!”

I search around the vicinity, expecting to find someone with as many bags as she has, or running to catch up to us, but there is no such person. “Are you alone?” There is doubt in my voice, even though that much is already pretty obvious. The amount of purchases she was trying to carry on her own is in no way manageable for one person. Is she really planning to make it all the way home without help?

Apparently, she is. “Unfortunately, I am.”

Suppressing a sigh at the lack of assistance she was receiving before I came along, I carefully choose from the things that she’s holding, unburdening her of them. “Do you mind if I help you carry these the rest of the way, then?”

“Eh?” My offer leaves her flabbergasted. “Are you sure? ... you know where I am bringing them, do you not?”

Of course, I’ve already taken the possibility that she actually lives in the brothel into account, but I still feel my face growing hot at her words. “Yes, I do know now. And I’m still sure.”

That is how, about a quarter of an hour later, I find myself in the red light district once more. “I still cannot believe that you did not know where you were,” Miss Kiyo says with a shake of her head and a giggle. Unlike with Kyoko and Mari, I don’t find myself as irritated with Miss Kiyo when she mentions the incident. The latter’s smile and teasing are good natured, and her questions regarding the incident clearly come out of concern, not with the intention to poke fun at me. It’s both funny and sad that I already feel more comfortable with her than I do with most of my friends. Yet... I can’t help but be reserved still, since we hardly know each other. In the daylight, the streets of the pleasure district don’t look out of the ordinary at all; I wouldn’t be surprised if I had walked around here before but forgot just because it looks like any other place in town. Although it isn’t quite exactly the same. Scarce they may be, but I do see one or two women dressed exceptionally well, with makeup that I didn’t know anyone would bother with except on special occasions. They’re definitely alluring, reminding me that Lord Seokjin’s companion that night had been similarly dressed up. On the other hand, Miss Kiyo’s appearance wasn’t much different than it is now; one that clearly prioritises functionality rather than beauty. I was too caught up with my own troubles that night, but when I recall the scene the best I can, I’m pretty sure that Miss Kiyo’s attire wasn’t something that a woman would wear to entice a man.

Burning with curiosity, I give her a side glance as she walks beside me. I want to ask so badly, but how do I do so without being rude to her? “Uhm, why did you go out to buy so many groceries alone? Is there no one else to help you out?”

Thankfully my question is not so intrusive to cause her to balk and shy away. “I am afraid there is only me to handle these chores. A few things happened at about the same time. In the end, I managed to stay at the brothel by taking over the job of the previous maid, who retired to the countryside. It was fortunate for the brothel.”

She didn’t say that it was fortunate for her though. Again, I consider the wisdom of probing further, and in the end decided just to throw all my luck in. I like her a lot, but not well enough that I would feel a sense of loss should she take offence and refuse to see me again. “If you don’t mind me asking, what happened?”

Bad timing on my part, I suppose, for we’d just arrived at the brothel. My question coincides with the clack of the door as Miss Kiyo slides it open, and I can’t say with absolute certainty that she didn’t hear it. If she did and I ask it again, it’ll surely appear too pushy. So I gulp down my curiosity bitterly and follow her in without another word. The kitchen is on the ground floor of the two-storey building, and even though we pass by several doors to get there, the place is quiet. Almost eerily so, as our footsteps fill the silence. Only the sunlight streaming through the windows keeps my imagination from wandering too much, thinking about the things that these walls have seen. Among the many things I want to know that is connected to Miss Kiyo, the one on the forefront of my mind right now is where everyone is. Not even the surly Madam is around, it seems. But as it always is, when you look for one answer, you tend to receive another. After thanking me and inviting me to sit down for tea in the next room, she begins, “I used to serve men here too, you know.”

“Oh.” My mind races, but I can’t think of anything else to say to that. Instead, I lift the cup in my hands up to my lips, all the while watching her with inquisitive eyes, hoping that she will continue her tale.

“It was so easy to lose all my popularity. Of course, I did not expect that such a thing would happen. I was blessed to have a very popular, very powerful man frequently visiting to see me. It made other customers take notice of me, and soon I had more patrons than I could handle.” She pauses to slowly drink her hot beverage. Perhaps the time that she takes is not just for that, but also for her to reminisce the past, or to think about the continuation of her story. “Then I made the mistake of losing his trust. Just like that, I fell from grace. He moved on to another woman, and suddenly all my clients disappeared as well.”

The story is ended quite abruptly, leaving me in confusion. There is definitely more to the story, such as the reason she lost favour with her powerful customer, but something tells me that it would not be wise to ask. She’d deliberately left that piece of information out, so to pressure her into telling me would be insensitive. “I see... is that why you are taking on a different job here?”

Breathing a sigh of relief, she then smiles and nods in affirmation. Seeing her reaction, I’m sure that she’d expected follow-up questions. I’m glad I decided not to press her into telling me more. “There is no point in continuing when I am unable to earn anything after all my customers are gone. But I have nowhere else to go, so I am grateful that Madam offered me the job as the maid and cook when ours retired.”

“Still.” After a moment of consideration, I still can’t simply let it go. Expressing my frustration with a huff, I go, “Is it fair that you lost your clients just because of that one man?” I don’t know for sure if her life is worse now, but judging by Miss Kiyo’s tired and dull appearance compared to the radiant woman that I saw with Lord Seokjin, her life must be harder now. Even if it isn’t, shouldn’t she have a say in whatever profession she chooses to pursue? To be forced to stop because of one man doesn’t seem right to me.

However, Miss Kiyo doesn’t share my sentiments. “Although it hurt at first, I admit, I am at peace with it now. After all, the popularity I had amassed was all thanks to that one man. It is only fitting that it was taken away when I wronged him. All in all, I am content with my lot in life.”

Since she insists that she deserves her fate for what she has done, I can find nothing to argue about. Nor does she explain how she lost his favour, but still I find myself becoming fast friends with her. Despite her former job and current state of living, Miss Kiyo treats me with respect and kindness. She’s only a few years older than I am, but I often feel like she has a lifetime of wisdom behind her. The only person I feel this comfortable with is my close friend, with whom I’ve been spending less and less time lately. I wish that I could see her more often, but being the wife of a powerful warlord, she’s always fretting over him recently. Even though our town doesn’t see the war, I’m aware that these are troubling times. Whenever I go to visit, she shares with me news that Jungkook brings home from the castle. Some daimyos have taken the advantage of Lord Seokjin’s campaign to incite a rebellion in the north. Even with the help of his cousin, Lord Taehyung and his men on the matter, getting information isn’t easy. It’s to be expected when the culprits are supposed to be our allies, therefore knowing to hide traitorous activities to make it difficult to uncover the main power behind the revolt. While my friend is obviously being the support for Jungkook, I am perfectly aware that my other ‘friends’ are making fun of me behind my back. My visits to the brothel have become more and more frequent, usually during the daytime when most of the inhabitants are still asleep. For the most part, I ignore the whispers surrounding me, because I really don’t care. A lowborn person can conduct themselves better than people of high social standing; that is the sad truth that I’d learned.

However, with people’s mouths working the way that they do, it’s only a matter of time before word of my visits to the brothel reaches the ears of people that I actually respect. After getting an earful from my mother, I seek escape at my friend’s house. At first I thought her invitation is very timely, asking me if I could come now since Jungkook has just gone out for a war council, but when I arrive, I immediately realise that it isn’t about to become better after all. She isn’t alone in the room. For once, Mari is nowhere to be seen, but Kyoko’s smirk as she sits next to the host tells me everything I need to know about the contents of our upcoming conversation.

My close friend, on the other hand, doesn’t bother beating around the bush. As soon as I sit down, she asks, “Is it true that you’ve been visiting a brothel in the pleasure district?”

Seeing no point in hiding the fact, I simply respond with a “Yes.”

Despite having grown close to her these past weeks, I have no illusions about society’s perception towards Kiyo, and people in her former line of work. Honestly, I’m quite sure that if it’s just me and my close friend, I would be able to reassure her that Kiyo is a good person, regardless of her profession, and I know that she’s a reasonable enough person to understand and accept that. However, with Kyoko around, any attempt to properly explain my friendship is quickly shot in the mud. With her poking fun at my choice of friends and insulting both me and Kiyo at every turn, it doesn’t take long for my blood to boil with anger and give up on explaining things. From the mildly annoyed expression of our friend between us, I can tell that even her nerves are being grated by Kyoko’s endless interruptions, but is too polite to cut in. As Kyoko starts to wonder aloud if I’ve taken in customers of my own, I stand up abruptly. Both women look up at me from their seats; one with a malicious grin and the other with concern. “I’ll talk to you another time. If you’ll excuse me,” I tell them both, but make it clear that I plan to only talk to one of them in the future.

“Wait,” my close friend calls for me worriedly, but I don’t intend to do as she bids. Alas, nothing is going to go my way today apparently, for before I can reach for the door, it slides open.

Not of its own accord, because it reveals Jungkook, accompanied by Lord Seokjin, on the other side. Noticing the tears that have betrayed my eyes, Jungkook immediately asks, “What’s wrong?” I try to hide my face, looking down and away from them, but even before I do, it’s already too late. From the frown that transforms Lord Seokjin’s otherwise perfectly handsome, jovial face, I know that he has seen how upset I am as well. Curse my fate.

Just as she has been doing all the time I’ve been here, Kyoko jumps in to answer on my behalf. “I guess she is dismayed that her secret pastime is out in the open,” she cackles, then calls out in an even louder voice, as if I can’t hear her from this short distance, “isn’t it too early for prostitutes to start their business?” At this point, the anger inside me is rising so high that I wouldn’t be surprised if my head bursts from the rage. As it is, my fists are clenched so tightly that my knuckles have turned white. Uncaring of what the men would think of me, I meet Jungkook’s eyes defiantly, which have widened with shock at Kyoko’s scandalous statements. I open my mouth to ask him to step aside, but she manages to squeeze in a question directed to the newcomers; “What do you think of highborn ladies such as ourselves who cannot seem to stop themselves from visiting such dirty places? I was astonished myself, but if I had known that she loves it so much, I would have directed her there much sooner!”

She titters with glee, having managed to shame me in front of the warlords she so admires. As someone who also fancies Lord Seokjin, she jumped at the opportunity to get rid of another one of his admirers, although I’m really a former one now. Even though no one expects her question to be answered, Lord Seokjin replies, “Well, I would still think very highly of her, unlike her vile friend who would lead her there in the first place.” The room falls into a deathly silence following his statement. Normally I would revel in Kyoko’s embarrassment, but all I can think about is that he must have figured out that she is the person who tricked me that night. Before this I took solace in knowing that she is just an unknown person to him, but now that he has a face to match, I’m completely mortified. Mind a complete blank now, I push the two men apart, letting myself through. There is no doubt that my dear friend would follow, but luckily I hear Jungkook stopping her, asking his wife just what is going on. I don’t know if she has anything to tell him, and I don’t care; all I want to do right now is go home where I can be by myself.

However, I am reminded of my dismal luck that day when a large hand seizes my arm as I slide my feet into my slippers. Turning around, I look at my obstacle angrily, wishing that my glare would blast him into pieces. No such luck. Lord Seokjin seems to be furious as well. In fact, if I’m not so consumed by my rage, his glower would probably have caused me to shrink on the spot. “Why are you still going to that place?”

There’s no need to ask him what place he meant. And I don’t intend to hide the fact from him, either. “I have become friends with Kiyo,” I tell him proudly, daring him to argue with my choice of friends. Waiting for him to either act like Kyoko, or distance himself from me out of disgust. He does neither of those things.

“Kiyo is not to be trusted,” he says instead, tightening his hold on me, forcing me to listen. “As much as I hate to agree with your nasty friend, you are better off being friends with people of your own social standing.”

Ooooh, he is so maddening! As if he has any right to ask something like that of me! Wrenching my arm out of his grasp, I bite back, “Let’s see... people of my social standing. Do you mean liars like her,” I gesture with my head towards the inside of the house where Kyoko is, past caring if I’m being rude to one of the most powerful people in the country, “or hypocrites like you?”

Without waiting for an answer, I start to march for the exit. But I must be stupider than I thought, because when he says, “You’ve grown a backbone since I last saw you. I like that,” I turn back to look at him. His expression is one of unconcealed admiration, before it reverts to a stern one. “But don’t forget what I said. If I see you there again, I might just use a woman as brothels intends them for once.”

I refuse to dignify his unjustified warning with a response, but that doesn’t mean that the encounter didn’t give me a lot to ponder upon. First of all is his clear dislike for Kiyo. I noticed it when I saw them in the same space. While Kiyo avoided looking at him, Lord Seokjin treated her with cold indifference. There’s also the fact that he referred to her without an honorific. But then, he and I have only really talked twice and he was pretty rude to me the last time too, so perhaps he is just a disrespectful person? All the things I’ve heard about Lord Seokjin tells me otherwise, but who knows, he may be the type of person who only acts politely when there is merit to it. People of my social standing, hmph, I scoff to myself later. His request — I think it’s a stretch to even call it that — is just another reproach, expressed in a different, albeit kinder, way than Kyoko’s humiliating jibes. Not even his smile as he complimented me is enough to make me sever my friendship with Kiyo, although it’s hard to forget how it made my heart swell and beat rapidly.

As if out of spite, I go to the brothel the very next day. I tell myself that getting my hopes up is useless, and it is, but I remain there as late as I can, telling myself that again and again every time I visit. Each time I go home disappointed that I didn’t see Lord Seokjin, yet the cowardly side of me breathes a sigh of relief whenever I leave the pleasure district. The contradictory cycle continues for a fortnight, only succeeding in making me obsessed with him once more. However, this time I’m not fixed on the idea of being his wife, but insanely curious about the mysteries surrounding him instead. Of course, I can ask Jungkook or his wife, both of whom are my friends as well, but they’re both too occupied to receive visitors. By the end of the week I simply can’t wait anymore. While watching Kiyo prepare for dinner in the kitchen from the side, the thought that she must know Lord Seokjin better than I do comes to mind. She has been here for years, first as a lady of the night, then as a maid. I don’t know if she has ever served Lord Seokjin herself, but even if she hasn’t, she must have encountered him or heard about him from the others. These women could surely gossip up a storm, although I can tell that the best of them are shrewd enough to know the secrets that can never leave the rooms in which they serve. The fact that he treats her coldly is both a good sign and a bad one; it means that he definitely knows and remembers her, but whatever his memories associate her with, it’s definitely not favourable. Still, it wouldn’t hurt to ask. Plucking up the courage, I begin by stating my perspective. “Lord Seokjin is a confusing man.”

The statement, while obviously heard, isn’t making any impact whatsoever. Kiyo’s deft movements across the chopping board doesn’t even falter for a second as she calmly replies, “How so?”

There is no way that I would tell her that I used to have a serious crush on him. Or that his vague warning the other day made me feel hot all over, even though I’m still not entirely sure what he meant. It’s definitely a threat against me, but what did he mean by ‘using a woman as a brothel intended for once’? Is there more than one purpose for seeking a woman in a brothel, other than the obvious? It’s all so puzzling. In the end, I focus on the frustration he gives me. Vexation that I mind less than I should. “Well, when I saw him a few days ago, he told me to stop coming here.” I scoff loudly, the better to vent out my exasperation. “As if he is in any position to do that, when he comes here with purposes far less innocent than mine!”

Instead of agreeing with me, like I expected her to do, Kiyo raises a query. “What do you think he comes here for?” Her hand slows, as if anticipating my answer, but her attention is still on the work in front of her.

This is exactly what I’ve been wondering myself, so it gives me pause. “At first I thought he’s coming here for pleasure, but then I wonder if it’s actually something else.” His words ring in my head, echoing, consuming my thoughts, whispering to me that things are not as they appear. “However, I have no clue as to another reason that he would come here.”

Kiyo remains quiet for a time. The soft thudding of her cutting vegetables gives way to the silence in the kitchen. I can tell that she knows something, but is contemplating whether to divulge it to me or not. “In the rooms of a brothel, it isn’t only carnal pleasure that is exchanged for money.” She settles on giving me this hint for me to ponder. She looks at me, but I simply blink at her cluelessly. What else is of value that can be exchanged here that can’t be gained elsewhere? Then it clicks.

“Information!”

With a satisfied grin, Kiyo returns to her task as I continue to think about it. Her reaction is all the confirmation I need, but there is still the mystifying thing that he said the last time we talked. So Lord Seokjin uses the women in the brothel to gather information. It makes sense now that I’ve put two and two together. A shady place like this would serve anyone as long as they have money. It’s the perfect place for people of any class, from anywhere, regardless of occupation, to obtain their desire, or let it out, so to speak. People talk, especially when inebriated with alcohol and pleasure. From first hand information to rumours, anything can be acquired by a beautiful woman with the right technique. Likewise, these people can be paid to keep quiet. Lord Seokjin’s visits can remain a secret as long as the mouth connected to the eyes that saw him can be made to remain shut. However, using the brothel this way isn’t the main reason why establishments like this exist. So according to his words, if he has never been with a woman here as one would think he has, that means...

“Has Lord Seokjin ever slept with a prostitute?”

By this time Kiyo has already finished and cleared the space. “Not that I know of, and he has only sought two women so far,” she tells me as she moves to make a pot of tea. “You’ll have to ask the woman you saw him with, but I can assure you that he has never attempted to make any moves on me.”

“Wha— you’re Lord Seokjin’s informant?!” The information floors me completely and opens up even more questions.

“I was.” So she used to give him information, but not anymore, for some reason. It makes sense now; that they know each other, yet a cold air remains between them. He also said that she isn’t to be trusted, but I can’t believe that’s true. I may not be the best judge of character, but my gut strongly tells me that Kiyo is a good, trustworthy person. Something must have happened between them, and I’m about to find out.

“This was back when I was working as a prostitute here. Lord Seokjin was the only one that didn’t see me to release his desires. It was refreshing.” Her smile is rueful as she sets the pot of tea down on the table and invites me to sit across from her. “It was fortunate that I knew some people, who knew other people in different circles that could help me get all sorts of knowledge that may be difficult for him to get directly. With his patronage, other customers started to get curious over the woman that consistently gets such a powerful man’s attention, and I got quite popular. Although I don’t think anyone ever found out why he was supposedly so smitten by me.” Her laughter is heavy, but invites a hesitant smile from me just for the sake of politeness. I tentatively tap the teacup with the tips of my fingers, wishing it will cool down quickly enough for me to pick up and hide my expression behind.

“I didn’t expect my role for him to be discovered, but I guess it’s inevitable that it did. Knowledge is a powerful tool, and that makes it terrifying.” She sighs, looking down at her forgotten cup, but I know that she’s not seeing it. Her mind is in the past, regretting the events that occurred back then. “His enemies kidnapped my sister, forcing me to give him false information in exchange for her life. I foolishly complied, not knowing that it would result in the death of his fiancée. And they killed my sister in the end anyway.”

It’s too much to take in all at once. That Lord Seokjin had a fiancée is surprising, but it isn’t the only shocking revelation. The fact that most people don’t know or speak of this probably meant that it happened quite some time ago. But most importantly, Kiyo isn’t to blame for the tragedy. “Didn’t you tell him what drove you to do that?”

“I never got the chance to. To him, the woman that he loved died, and it was due to my betrayal. He wouldn’t even listen to anything I had to say.” Kiyo seems resigned to her fate — sad, but accepting. “After he stopped using me as an informant, the allure I had for other men eventually disappeared as well. I believe informants are now trained to milk the customers for information with his help. As for myself, I consider myself lucky enough that I’m allowed to continue staying here.”

This is a situation that is hard to fix, no matter how much I’m dying to try. In the end, I thank her for confiding in me, unable to think of much else to say as daylight diminishes, reminding me too late that night is chasing the dusk. Only the sounds of the brothel coming to life and a rowdy customer, somehow already drunk even though the sun had left barely an hour ago, alert us to the hour. I depart hurriedly, but little did I know that it’s hardly going to matter. I never even make it to the front door, not even past two rooms, really, because as I pass the second door after the kitchen, it opens and I’m yanked inside.

The door slams shut next to me as I’m pressed against the wall. Or, to be precise, after recognising the man who’d pulled me in, I flatten myself against it. Lord Seokjin has always had a presence that makes one unable to pull their gaze away, especially those of the female persuasion. He’s never without a smile, very charismatic and friendly. At least, that’s what I’ve always observed from the times I’ve seen him in town, never without a crowd of admirers. However, the aura that he’s emanating now finally clues me in on just how powerful he is. The reason why people from all over the country regard him with either fear or awe despite never having even met him. His eyes glow with barely contained strength, like he is a vicious animal just about to pounce, and I’m his prey. He doesn’t need to say or do anything, not even touch me to have me cowering with anticipation and dread. All the bravado from before, determined to go against his warning out of immature spite has completely vanished. As if I’m not intimidated enough just by the air surrounding him, he easily towers over me at this distance, his handsome face looming dangerously close to mine. My heart, instinctively sensing danger, is rapidly pumping blood through my blood vessels, readying myself to flee if needed.

He doesn’t do or say anything at first, watching me silently. As if savouring my heavy breathing, the fear in my eyes, the trembling of my lower lip. I can’t even think of a word to say — my mind cannot think of anything but him. Not even to question my insane desire for him in this situation. I must be crazy. He shouldn’t be attractive like this, yet he is, in magnitudes over his usual persona that made him so popular. “I didn’t think I’d see you again so soon.” Yet his low, sultry tone doesn’t contain any surprise. Just the dangerous purr of a cat playing with a mouse. Having his fun until he decides to obliterate me. It’s scary, but I find undeniable traces of heady excitement mixed with anxiety. Did I subconsciously want him to go through with his threat? To find out what exactly he’d do to me that he hasn’t done with any woman of the brothel? “Especially not here. Did you forget what I said the last time we met?”

Unable to find my tongue, I shake my head slowly. The simple gesture is enough to satisfy him apparently, because he presses on. “Then perhaps are you actually curious about what I’d do?” He whispers into my ear. Biting my lower lip almost hard enough to draw blood, I will myself not to whimper. His lips are so close that they brushed the delicate skin of my ear, sending shivers down my spine. I can’t admit that he’s absolutely right — ironically, after resolving not to chase after him over superficial characteristics, the unexpected facets of him unknown to most people have hit me one by one right in the face, and now I can’t deny his pull over me. Now that I’ve completely fallen over him, dark past, brothel visits and all, it’s become even harder to ignore the things that attracted me to him in the first place. Finally, I push past all my shame and manage to nod. It’s extremely humiliating to admit it, but god, I want to know so badly. How he would treat a woman — I want to find out. I want to experience it.

I have no idea what to expect, but whatever I might have dreamed of, he surpassed it by far. Just the brush of his lips against my ear was almost enough to do me in, so when he runs his tongue down to my earlobe, proceeding to suck on it, I have to find something to ground me. My fingers curl and try to dig in, but the wall offers no purchase. And he’d barely even begun. Pulling away, just the tiniest bit so his dark eyes can delve into mine, searching my soul for my innermost desires, he smiles — a sinister, most devilish smile. How I long to press myself against it. If this is what sin looks like, it’s no wonder so many fall victim to it. Lord Seokjin is either a mind reader or he wants the same thing that I do, because he closes the scant distance between us, capturing my lips with his. He moves them expertly, melting me like how ice in this cold winter would in scorching summer. If he hadn’t slipped his arm around my waist, I would have collapsed onto the floor as my legs give out under his kiss. As it is, my waist is pulled against him, bending my upper body against the wall as he leans into me, impossibly wanting to take more of me, seeking to devour all I can give and more.

His body heat is more than welcome in this season, but logically can’t possibly account for the rising temperature I can feel inside me. I can’t imagine feeling any hotter than this, but when his hand deftly parts the lower half of my kimono, I yelp into his mouth. His touch against my inner thigh is like fire, blazing a trail up to the peak. Reflexively, my legs attempt to seek each other’s familiarity but he wedges his own leg between them, keeping them apart so his hand can cup my core. His hand is like the sun, melting the ice at the top of the mountain, drenching me with the liquid all the way down my thighs. The possibility of someone finding us is the last thing on my mind, but it doesn’t matter anyway because he’s swallowing each needy moan that falls out of my mouth with his. Already I’m losing my mind, shamelessly rubbing my pussy back and forth against his large hand. However, when two of his fingers find their way inside me, there is no way he can contain the wanton cry that escapes. My fingers grip his shoulders as he pulls away, a silent plea for him to stay and continue his sweet torture.

Of course, he understands what I want without my having to utter a word, giving me more than I could imagine instead. My vision grows bleary as the movement of his hand increases, pumping into me mercilessly, the loud squelching sounds mixed with my moans only serving to make him hum with satisfaction. Yet through my watery eyes I can see his gaze piercing through, cruelly forbidding me from looking away as he proceeds to tear my body to ribbons. Dissatisfied by the wanton condition that I’m already in, he shifts his thumb against the little nub at the apex of my core. The simple touch intensifies the pleasure growing inside me, and he pushes me further, angling himself with even more force until my hips leave the wall to follow his hand, yanking me to balance on the balls of my feet, the little portion of my back desperately pressing against the wall for support. It doesn’t take long for my body to stiffen, then burst into a thousand pieces for him. A need that I didn’t know I had released into the most mind-blowing, most basic of desires.

He sets me back to the ground, fittingly as I make my way down from my high. I become slowly aware that he’s still watching me, and even though I’ve been stripped of all shame, I still find myself looking away as I struggle to regain my senses. Unfortunately, my tongue recovers before my brain does. “Why?” Is the first thing that came out of my mouth. He looks at me with confusion. I don’t blame him — even I’m not sure why I said that.

“Why what?”

Having no idea what to say, I start to shake my head, wanting to ask him to ignore it but then I stop. Fresh memories of my conversation with Kiyo just now flows back into my mind, giving a subject that matches the direction of the question. “I heard that you had a fiancée you loved,” I say hesitantly. Lord Seokjin and I aren’t close enough to be talking about such private matters, but I want to know so badly that I plough on anyway. The news that he loved someone else before affected me more than I thought it would, even though it isn’t my place to feel any jealousy over him, especially towards a dead person. Still, given what had just transpired, I don’t think we’re just acquaintances anymore. “You did not show any interest in a woman after that, did you? So why do you treat me like this?”

Despite being the one who brought it up, if he says that I’m not the only one he treats this way I’m positive my heart would shatter. My unexpected query surprises him enough to take a step away from me. Without his contact, my body feels ten times colder than before he even pulled me into this room, making me strangely bereft. I wrap my arms around myself, trying to keep his body heat with me as long as possible. It becomes even worse when he recovers from the shock, his expression cooling down until it feels like he’s almost an empty shell of himself. Instead of answering, he reaches for the door, sidestepping me and leaving without a word.

It takes a few moments for me to process Lord Seokjin’s abrupt departure. But after I do, I find the strength in me to push past the anger, confusion and hurt — as well as my still trembling legs — to follow him out. Madam, the old lady who has warmed up to me since that first night, is near the entrance as she usually is, but I don’t stop, only greeting her briefly as I pass. Although I see her face for less than one second I can tell from her expression that she heard my passionate cries inside that room. So perhaps it is best that I don’t stop to talk to her. However, the next time we see each other would be an awkward encounter indeed. Now is hardly the time to agonise over it though, so I rush out of the brothel, peering through both sides of the street, hoping that it’s not too late to catch up to him.

Luckily I could just make out a silhouette of a tall figure thanks to the soft light streaming from a house that he’s passing by. There’s no mistaking that broad back for anyone else, and I run to his side. He should have heard the clacks of my wooden slippers as I approach, but he doesn’t show any reaction, even when I arrive, panting, next to him. I assume that to be a sign that my presence isn’t completely unwelcome. On the other hand, he’s definitely not in a gracious enough mood to wait for me to recover, so I keep pushing myself to keep walking with him, hastily trying to straighten my kimono out as much as I can. I do notice that he slows his pace somewhat, but he doesn’t comment on it, and I think it’s best if I follow his lead. We pass by house to house without talking, but I don’t mind the silence because my head is in chaos. While it was undoubtedly the height of rudeness to leave me in that state after having his way with me, it’s also true that I brought up what is probably a sensitive subject for him. Plus, I can’t complain about him fulfilling his promise; he did warn me and I chose to ignore it, but most importantly, I enjoyed every second of it. Even though my legs are presently screaming, begging me to stop and rest, I don’t regret it one bit. Likewise, if I had the opportunity to turn back time and take back what I told him, I wouldn’t. It feels only right for me to inform him that I’m aware of his past, even if he decides to not divulge any more to me. I debate with myself whether to give a last push for the answer to my question, but in the end I choose to not say anything.

After I decide that ultimately his past is none of my business, Lord Seokjin ends the quietude by asking me, “Are you alright?” Finally he gives me a quick side glance. “If you can’t walk, I’ll carry you.”

Tempting as his offer is, the thought of being in close contact with him again is enough to send my blood thrumming deliciously in my veins. Apart from being embarrassing — as if how I behaved earlier isn’t embarrassing enough — I know that if I accept, I won’t be able to have any coherent thoughts for the rest of the day. At some point Lord Seokjin has cast a spell on me that grows more potent with every touch. Regrettably, I turn down his offer, despite my knees steeling themselves with every step so they don’t buckle and give way. “I am fine.” After a pause, I decide to take advantage of his sudden generosity. “Do not tell me to stop being friends with Kiyo, though. She has done nothing wrong by me and I do not see any reason for me to cut ties with her.”

He doesn’t reply immediately, making me fear that I’ve gone too far once again. But eventually he speaks again, laying my fears to rest. “I did have a fiancée. It was a long time ago, just as I was finding my place in this world. Even though ours was a match made by the elders, I loved her. Or at least, I thought I did.”

His uncertainty intrigues me. It’s so easy to get lost in him; his gorgeous looks, his charming smile, his soothing voice, enchanting me without him even trying. Already my heart is reaching out to him, sensing regret and pain, wanting to ease it for him somehow. “What do you mean, you only thought you loved her?”

As before, he doesn’t answer immediately, but I wait patiently, trusting him to reply, even if it’s with a refusal to tell me. “At the time I was convinced that it was love. But now...” he seems to consider it, then shrugs. Probably tired of thinking about it, as I’m sure this isn’t the first time the uncertainty has popped in his mind. “Perhaps it was just a young boy’s immature crush.” Memories of her rush back to him, I can tell, because he suddenly chuckles; a honeyed sound. “One thing for sure is that she was the exact opposite of you.”

“How so?” I’m not sure how I feel about being compared to his former fiancée, which is small of me since she has already passed. At least, I hope he sees me in a favourable light.

“The first time I met you, I thought you’re a gullible person. That opinion hasn’t changed to this day.” No matter how much truth is contained in that statement, I have to bite my lower lip to keep from pouting. Of course that would be his first impression of me. “However, after a while, I don’t see it as an entirely bad trait. You may be blindly trusting and docile at times, while she was cautious to the point of being paranoid. One may blame her personality on the powerful and highly targeted family she was born in, but I’ve never met anyone as obsessed with threats as she was. No meal was without poison, no one was deserving of trust. As infatuated as I was with her, I turned a blind eye to it most of the time, thinking that I didn’t mind it. Yet her negativity must have affected me more than I realised, because with time I grew more tired and less patient in taking her accusations seriously. Kiyo’s betrayal resulted in her death, but part of the blame lies with me. When she found out that a prostitute had suggested a date for her travel back to her hometown, she was adamant on traveling on another day. It wasn’t the first time she was ignored and no one came to harm, so I convinced her to go home on that day anyway. If only I didn’t... they wouldn’t have been ambushed and killed.”

Unable to think of any other way to convey the sadness in my heart, the only thing I could think of doing is to give my condolences, as shallow as it sounds. “I’m sorry... However, I still believe that Kiyo did not do that to intentionally hurt either of you.” If he had the chance to hear Kiyo out before and chose not to, then it isn’t for me to give him the details of what happened. He can always seek her out should he want to know her reasons. It’s her story to tell, after all. But I have to stand up for her, even if it’s only this much.

He stops in his tracks and I follow, already attuned to his every move. Meeting my eyes, he searches them pensively, pondering my stance and his thoughts of it. Finally he says, “If that’s what you believe, then I won’t stop you. Even now I still rely on one of them as an informant. I can never trust them completely — honestly, I don’t think I can fully trust anyone anymore — but having a wide information network is a necessity for my cause. However, I’ve vowed to never involve anyone close to me again. If anything should happen, I will bear the damage on my own.” It’s a heartbreaking confession to hear, but it all stemmed from his past that I wasn’t a part of, so I don’t know if I can do anything to help him shoulder the burden that he has been saddled with. I would do anything to lighten his load, though. As if sensing my pain, he continues in a brighter tone, “I do applaud you for being friends with Kiyo. Such open mindedness is very refreshing.”

“They are people too,” I say, perhaps a little defensively. While it is true that such thinking is probably unusual and unpopular, I don’t think it should be that way. Many of them didn’t choose that life in the beginning and despite everything, they are still capable of being kind and thoughtful, just like anyone else.

“That they are,” he agrees, resuming his leisurely stroll again. Belatedly, I realise that he’s been taking the path back to my house. “People all have their wants and needs. But unlike people born with privilege and wealth, they have less possessions, and consequently more wants. This makes them more likely to use whatever means to get what they desire. Of course, there are exceptions, just like there are powerful, wealthy people who would stoop to using any tactic to get what they want.” I can’t argue with that, and essentially he has consented to my opinion that people in the water trade aren’t necessarily bad people. It lightens the mood, and I find that I can breathe more easily now. Apparently he thinks so too. “If you can be friends with her, after all this I don’t see why you have to remain so stiff with me.”

My heart flutters at his suggestion. I’ve noticed that he has relaxed his speech with me, but given his higher position as one of the most influential warlords in the country, I wasn’t sure if I could do the same. But this is practically an invitation to do so, and I’m eager to test it out. “You mean like... calling you ‘Jin’?”

“...Yes.” He assents, delighting me to no end.

Spurred on by the comforting air between us, I ask, “So did you see how Kyoko reacted when you told her you think less of her than me?” He lets out a guffaw as he recalls that day, and informs me that she looked like she ate something sour. The easy conversation that flows from there puts me at ease and makes the scolding I get from my parents absolutely worth it, especially when I bring back to mind the sight of the blush that coloured his cheeks when I called him Jin.

A few weeks pass by more or less uneventfully after that, with some changes. Jin sometimes drops by my home or the brothel early to spend time with me. I have no idea how he knows the days I visit the brothel, but I welcome any chance to see him, even though deep down I wish he would teach me more of the pleasures he showed me that night. Even though he hasn’t exactly warmed up to Kiyo, he remains civil, giving her a nod of acknowledgment when he sees her. I suppose that’s more than I could ask for, and I can’t exactly force him to listen to what Kiyo has to say about the unfortunate incident that led to his fiancée’s death, provided that Kiyo wants to tell him in the first place after all this time. There is a saying; ‘be careful what you wish for’, except I never wished for it, but the day where Kiyo’s loyalty to Jin is tested presents itself when no one expects it.

It’s already late in the afternoon, the sun slipping along the sky to give the stars their chance to shine when I hear raised voices on my way back to my room. Curious, I hurry to the entrance of the manor, where I find the most surprising of guests. Although I’m unsure if Kiyo can be called a guest when it’s apparent that she’s only here to deliver an important message and the fact that either way, she’s unwelcome. Her face lights up when she spots me past two of the household maids, and she calls out my name. The maids turn to look at me as well, then immediately start apologising for Kiyo’s presence, assuring me that she would be rid of immediately. Instead of doing as they ask of me and return to my room, I say, “That woman is my guest. You are not to turn her away. Leave us.” I can hear the chill in my tone, but I don’t intend to hold it in. Of course, I understand that they’re only doing their job, but Kiyo is my friend, and I won’t have her be treated like that by my own servants. Before this, I would never have imagined that she would come here. I’m still quite surprised as it is. If I’d known she was coming, I’d definitely notify the maids about her. The last thing I want is for her to be thrown out of my home.

She seems to be in a hurry so I immediately invite her to my room, but the matter is so urgent that she can’t even spare time for that. Shaking her head, she declines my offer with an apology. “Lord Seokjin is in danger.”

“What?” This is completely unexpected, like lightning cutting across a clear blue sky. “Did something happen?”

“Not yet,” she clarifies. “But he will be soon, if no one goes to help him. He’s going to head towards a trap!”

“How do you know this?” Kiyo’s panic is infectious, and I struggle to maintain a clear head. It’s dangerous to just dive into a possibly dangerous situation without having all the information.

“That woman at the brothel. The one that Lord Seokjin uses as his informant.” She begs me to remember with some bitterness, the prostitute that had been on Jin’s arm the first night I stepped foot inside the brothel. It’s impossible to forget her, even though I rarely see her during my visits to see Kiyo and I nod, signalling to Kiyo that I remember her. “She’s been a spy all along. She must have been biding her time. And she just gave him false information during his last visit. He was told that the right-hand man of a powerful daimyo in the north is ready to sell out his lord, but only if Lord Seokjin himself would give him guarantee of the Kim forces’ protection. So I believe that Lord Seokjin is going to meet the man himself. Except there is no traitor to the daimyo. It’s a trap to kill Lord Seokjin!”

“Why are you only telling me now?!” Half asking, half demanding her for an answer, I glance frantically around me, as if the solution to this predicament is written somewhere on the walls of my home. My hands shake with fear and worry for Jin, and I wring them helplessly, trying to force the nervousness out of them.

“I only just heard it from another prostitute myself,” she explains her position, yet still looking angry at herself. Sympathy flows out from me for her. Kiyo must have been feeling guilty enough already for the loss to Jin that she caused. Now here I am, berating her for something that was completely out of her control. Feeling sorry for my brashness, I soften and apologise for scolding her, but she brushes it off. “The spy disappeared over the night. She must have been waiting all this while, using the time to slowly gain Lord Seokjin’s trust. With another big war on the horizon, she must have taken the first grand opportunity to escape. After all, I’m sure her task of drawing him out without any protection would be rewarded handsomely.”

While I agree with her assessment, this doesn’t bode well for us. Not knowing who to turn to, Kiyo sought me out, but I myself don’t know the first thing to do. Hopelessness and dismay threaten to eat me up from the inside out, but I tell myself to concentrate on finding a solution. If I don’t do something, Jin will be killed. “Has he gone out to meet the ‘traitor’ yet?”

“I have no idea,” Kiyo answers dismally, the despair I feel portrayed on her face.

“You can go back to the brothel. I’ll try to find him and convince him not to go.” Blind determination takes over the desperation, motivating me to move. The air pent up inside her seems to escape in one blow, deflating and infusing her with relief at the promise of having the matter taken care of. I only hope that I’m not too late to do that.

After rushing to put on some layers of clothing to guard me against the winter cold, I set out towards the castle. At this point waiting for a palanquin to be readied would waste even more time. Plus I’m already used to walking all the way to the brothel anyway. Luckily I arrive just in time to catch Jin as he’s about to climb atop his horse in front of the castle. A man is holding the reins but otherwise he’s apparently going alone. “Jin!” I shout from the gates, the sight of him renewing the strength in my tired legs to run towards him. Castle guards immediately rush forward, ready to apprehend me but Jin stops them, telling them to let me through. They part, moving away from me so Jin can approach me. Noting my stricken expression, he places his hands on my shoulders, warming and reassuring me all at once.

“What is it?” The narrow space between his brows constricts with concern.

“You’re going to meet that informant, aren’t you? The man who claims to be the daimyo’s right-hand man?” There is no time to beat around the bush, but I take care to keep my voice low, conscious of the people around us.

“How did you—“ his eyes widen with surprise, then dim with realisation. “It was Kiyo, wasn’t it?”

The grip he has on my shoulders tighten almost painfully, but I don’t complain. No matter the animosity he feels towards her, I can’t let him endanger himself. “Yes, it was, but that’s not important. Jin, it’s a trap!”

“Did she tell you that too?” He says with disgust as he releases me, as if he finds me repulsive too. “Don’t waste my time with lies. Go home.”

“Jin, please trust me,” I beg him, chasing after him as he marches back towards his horse. “I would never lie to you.” Sensing that he wouldn’t take my word when he’s aware of the source, I present him with the next best solution. “At least take more men with you. Jungkook maybe, or Lord Namjoon.”

“Those two are the last people I’d take with me,” he shoots down my suggestion without even considering it. Or rather, he’d already taken it into consideration before, and rejected the idea. “They’re both my most capable and trusted men. If anything should happen to me, they are to take over where I left, and stop any unrest or uprising that follows.”

It all makes sense to me now. The words he’d spoken before. Jin never fully trusted his informant, not since Kiyo’s betrayal. Yet he is prepared to take any risks, face any danger by himself. Is this the real reason why I’ve been told that I’d be better off not pursuing him? It’s not surprising that people who hold him dear would notice how he distances himself, taking on all the burden. Tears of frustration, anger and sadness threaten to spill, but I swallow them in exchange for some heated words. “Their capability and loyalty to you are exactly why you should bring them along! Jin, you’re so stupid!”

Having climbed atop his ride, Jin looms over me from an incredible height, lending him an intimidating aura. Despite my yelling at him, I feel extremely small and useless. Yet his gaze isn’t disapproving, only filled with sorrow and determination. “Yes, I may be stupid,” he admits. “But I’ll be damned if I risk the people that I care about again.”

Without giving me a chance to argue, he snaps the reins, spurring his horse into a gallop. I watch him go off alone, feeling more helpless than ever. In the end, I can’t do anything for him.

But I refuse to give up. Addressing a startled guard, I demand him to take me to Jin’s cousin. Thanks to my shameless pursuit of Jin before, I know that she’s friends with Jungkook’s wife. Her magnificent feat in leading an army against the enemies that invaded our town a few months ago boosted her standing in the eyes of many people, and I know that she’s still staying in the castle as she is now involved in Jin’s campaign. As the guard blinks at me, I pray for her to be around, and that she’ll be reasonable enough to hear me out. “Y—Yes, she is here, but...” the guard is uncertain. On the one hand, Jin clearly knows who I am, and was close enough with me to grant me an impromptu, however short, audience. If he turns me away and I turn out to be from a powerful enough family, I can choose to make life very difficult for him later. On the other hand, he obviously has misgivings about letting a woman he doesn’t recognise into the castle. “Please, just take me to her,” I plead with him, trying to sway his unbalanced stance. “You can accompany me every step of the way. What is a woman like me going to do, huh?” That settles it quite easily. Even though he may be leading me through the corridors hesitantly, all I care about is to get reinforcements for Jin. My heart drums loudly inside my ears, making it impossible to think. What should I say to her? How do I convince her to send help? What can I do to prove that I’m trustworthy? Then the guard knocks at a door, opens it and I see that this just might be possible. Amongst the people sitting around a table, having tea and a laugh, I see a pretty woman I recognise, who can only be Jin’s cousin. However, she isn’t alone. Two of her companions are people familiar and close to me; Jungkook and his wife. If I had to wager a guess, the other man is Lord Namjoon, Jin’s right-hand man and his cousin’s husband. Upon seeing my serious expression, my friend sits up, worry immediately taking over her own posture. Perhaps with the remembrance that the last time we met, things didn’t go well, what with Kyoko’s jibes and all. It seems like a distant memory to me, like it happened years ago, instead of a few weeks, but I’m grateful for every bit of attention I can get. “Is something wrong?” Unsure of how to answer, I tilt my head to the side, then nod, but after a moment of thinking, shake it. The merry air that had permeated the room before I entered is replaced by one of confusion. Great, they’re waiting on me and I don’t even know what to say. In the end, I settle for replying her question with my own. “Do any of you know where Jin went?” The puzzlement of the four people transformed into uniform shock at the familiar way with which I’m addressing Jin. Lord Namjoon is the first to recover. “He told me that he has plans for the evening, but I was not told of the details.” As I’d suspected, the others haven’t been told of his meeting. And the danger that it may involve. “He is going to meet the right-hand man of a daimyo from the north. At least, that is who he thinks he is meeting. But no such person is waiting for him. It is a trap so the enemies can kill him!” Urgency finally wins out, making me spill everything in one go, no longer caring what they think or how they will take the news. Even though I wish that we can immediately get up and race after Jin, it’s only wishful thinking in my head. In reality, I have to wait for them to absorb the sudden news, then deal with their doubt. “How do you know this?” His cousin asks, but not unkindly. “Someone trustworthy told me.” Sad as it is, it’s better not to go into detail about Kiyo now. To bring her up will only invite more questions, delaying the rescue. “So you say, but how do I know that you are trustworthy?” It’s a fair question. One that I was afraid of, because beyond my station, I have no way to prove that my intentions are good. However, I can count on my friends to come to my aid. “I can vouch for her,” she says, and her husband nods in agreement. “We’ve known her since we were kids. She is incapable of deception or malice,” Jungkook supports his wife’s confident trust in me. “Please, he is going to be killed at this rate.” My voice shakes in fear, panic quickly settling in with every second that passes. As we dawdle here, Jin is getting closer and closer to the imminent danger that is being set up for him. “We have to go, now.” “We’ll go.” Jungkook exchanges looks with Lord Namjoon, who in turn glances at his wife, and the three stand up, readying themselves for action. “You’ll both stay here.” I follow Jungkook’s exit through the door with my eyes, then Lord Namjoon’s, befuddled. Then I turn to my friend, who’s still in her seat and patting the one next to her, gesturing me to join her in waiting. This is not acceptable. “No. I’m going.” With the men gone to prepare for departure, I address Jin’s cousin, who is swiftly changing into less fancy clothes in favour of ones with better functionality without regard for other people in the room. She doesn’t answer me, but I can see that my adamant statement has given her pause. I have a responsibility to Kiyo after promising her that I will help Jin, but that’s not the only reason. That isn’t even my main motivation for my determination to follow this through to the end, no matter what. These feelings that I have for Jin, while sometimes desperately buried, have always been consistent. I don’t know what I can do to help, but if I don’t go, I know that I won’t be able to do anything. Uncertainty and jeopardy lies ahead of the path that I’m choosing, but I would not change my mind. If I don’t go and should something happen to him, I’ll never be able to live with myself. My heart clenches painfully just considering the possibility. “Please. I may not be able to do much, but I have something to protect.” Jin has closed himself off to the people around him. I don’t blame him, but I want him to heal. I want to shield his heart just as much as any other part of him. “I promise that I will not cause any trouble.” Finally she turns to me. Perhaps it was because she was laughing when I first glimpsed her, but with the light armour she’s wearing and the sword at her hip, she emits a formidable aura. Now I can see how she was able to command an army. She regards me seriously, but not coldly. My plea resonates with her, and I can tell that her strength stems from the things she wants to protect, too. “What is this?” Lord Namjoon demands when his wife appears with me before the castle gates, asking them to ready a mare for me right now. “This isn’t a children’s outing, this is dangerous.” “She understands that full well.” Jin’s cousin relays my resolve calmly and firmly, boding no arguments. Her husband seeks Jungkook’s support exasperatedly, but the latter only gives a sigh as he climbs atop his own mount. “I had an inkling that this would happen.” That’s all he has to contribute to the matter. “As long as you obey all our orders without question, I have no arguments with her tagging along.” Thus I join in the race to get to Jin before anything horrible happens to him. They follow my directions without question, leading us towards the forest not too far from town. Fortunately Jin’s meeting place with the enemies is close to a landmark that both Kiyo and I are aware of, so there isn’t a chance of us getting lost, even though we only have the silver waning moon to provide us with light. Sharp metallic clangs pierce through the quiet of the night before we even arrive at the meeting point, filling me with dread, causing me to squeeze my legs around the mare, urging it to go even faster. Jungkook, already guessing that I’m going to burst into the scene without any care for my own safety, warns me; “Slow down! Stay behind the trees until we have the situation under control.” As much as I loathe to do it, I’m not stupid enough to go against Jungkook’s orders once common sense lodges into place over the adrenaline. With no weapons or the skills to use one, revealing myself to the opponents would put me in danger and my allies at risk while they protect me. So I fall back, letting them pass me into the fight. Meanwhile I speedily make a detour so I can dismount and watch behind the safety of the trees that outline the heated battle. Jin was desperately holding his own against five other men before his friends arrive. Although I see the prone body of a man on the ground, unseated from his horse and Jin still fighting, I can see that he’s already at his limit. The unforeseen attack against a larger number of opponents has sapped him of his strength, and I know that if we hadn’t come, it was only a matter of time before they overpowered him. It’s apparent to the others as well, with their trained eyes. “Jin, get away from here!” His cousin yells at him, but her request falls on deaf ears and he continues to clash his sword against the man he’s engaged with. I can only watch with bated breath, safe behind the cover of the trees at the edge of the clearing they’re battling in. Being useless in this situation is awful; my blood is pumping and I want to jump into the fray, but I’ll do more harm than good if I join in. Moreover, between the four of them, they’re able to take down the attackers quite easily. With the new arrivals distracting the opponents, Jin is able to knock one of the men off his horse. While her skills with the sword is nowhere as polished as her companions, Jin’s cousin is able to handle another man on her own while Lord Namjoon and Jungkook defeat the rest between them. It feels like forever, but in reality it couldn’t have lasted more than several minutes — the enemies came to capture, or perhaps kill one man, but were unprepared to encounter a larger group. Despite having a slight advantage in numbers, the gap in their skills with Jin’s and his people’s are far too great to overcome. Once the foes have been subdued and tied up, Jin gets off his horse. The others immediately follow him, feet thudding as they land on the ground. “Why did you come here?” Not how did they know to come. Jin’s manner is almost tired, resigned to what had just happened. None of them say anything in response, but their heads turn toward my general direction as one. I suppose it’s time to reveal myself. Now that the danger has passed, I’m almost afraid of facing Jin, although I didn’t do anything wrong. If I hadn’t sought his cousin out and begged her as well as Jungkook and Lord Namjoon to help, Jin would not have survived. He might even be captured and tortured for information first. Considering the horrific possibilities that could have happened to him, enduring his wrath to avoid his suffering or death is a price I’m more than willing to pay. Even if he hates me for it, it’s a burden that I would gladly shoulder again and again. He makes his way towards me as I trudge in his direction, still having trouble making eye contact with him. But it’s impossible to avoid it when he’s right in front of me, cupping my face in his warm hands so that I have no choice but to look up at him. Somehow his dark eyes have managed to capture the light of the moon, as if they attract and bottle it up so it would lend them the most ethereal glow. I’m mesmerised by the sight; otherworldly beautiful and hauntingly sad. “Why did you come?” He asks the same question of me, but this time it doesn’t sound quite so flat. Something about his emotions trigger melancholy within me, a poignant reminder of the loneliness and pain that he silently carries under the cheerful smile and friendly manner. “I was worried about your safety, so I asked them to come with me.” My own palm lifts up to cup his cheek without me noticing. “But I had to come because I want to save you from yourself. The past cannot be changed, and it’s inevitable that in the course of life, people get hurt. But that doesn’t mean you should cast everyone out of your heart.” Tears escape and spill down my cheeks, echoing the clear ones that are flowing down his own. “You may think whatever happens to you is fine as long as the people you care about are safe, but have you ever thought about how they would feel if anything happens to you? I can’t even imagine it, Jin. It hurts so badly just to even think of it.” My voice cracks as sobs start to overcome my senses. “I would rather stay by your side, always, no matter the risks, to make you happy. Because that would make me happy. So please, don’t discard your life so easily.” I wonder if the others said anything to Jin after my impassioned speech. He certainly didn’t say a word, instead wrapping his arms around me, holding me tightly in his embrace. The ride home was a quiet one, with Jin and myself riding ahead while the others dealt with taking the captured men back to the town to be thrown in the prison. He sent me straight back to my home, where my parents, worried out of their minds, were waiting. Fortunately, any scolding that they’d undoubtedly kept ready for me completely dissipated once they saw the man who brought me home. Jin came directly to the entrance with me to greet them and apologise for my late return, telling them that I’d been aiding him with some matters and that he was extremely grateful for my help. He didn’t give them any details but they were instantly mollified, happy that their daughter was able to be of assistance to the great Lord Seokjin. However, he declined my parents’ invitation for tea and the only goodbye we had was a simple thank you from him and a meek nod from me in reply. Well, I suppose what happens between them is none of my business, I think glumly as I take a leisurely stroll around town. My final destination is already determined, but I’m not in a hurry to go there. Hopefully some mindless activity would help me organise my thoughts. Last night was a lot to take in, but many events leading up to it gave me a lot to think about. Beyond his amiable personality and enviable position, there is so much sorrow and loneliness that he keeps to himself. It didn’t matter how many people were surrounding him, who love him and look up to him, in the end it’s the loss of one person that makes all the difference. Even if the feelings he had for his fiancée was just a crush, it doesn’t change the fact that they were strong enough to make a lasting impact on him. Any petty jealousy I might have felt over a dead person is overshadowed by the despair that Jin goes through. It goes past affection; the heartache that was caused by the betrayal of someone he trusted, the death of an important person as a result, leading to the overbearing need to protect the people that are important to him all on his own must have been hard to bear. It crushes me. Yet I don’t know where my place is in his life. If I could have one wish, it’s for him to feel the same way about me as I do about him, but I don’t want to get ahead of myself. Despite the concern that he’d shown me and the things that happened between us, I’m too afraid to dream of being more than just another girl to him. For all I know, he was just playing around with me. Or perhaps he just sees me as a friend, or maybe not even that... This is making me dizzy. Shaking my head and drawing curious glances from the townspeople out and about, I decide to give all this nonsense a rest and actually go do what I meant to do in the first place. Kiyo must have been worried all night, wondering how things turned out. As she is the person who alerted me to last night’s trap, she deserves to know the outcome. I hope that with this, some of the guilt that has plagued her for years can be alleviated. However, the first person I encounter upon entering the brothel isn’t Kiyo. A door on my left slides open with a loud clack before I can reach the kitchen, making me jump in surprise. There’s still a few hours before the sun starts to greet the western side of the sky, which is when most of the people in the household would stir from their sleep. Reflexively I glance to the side to see the early riser, half expecting it to be Kiyo doing the cleaning, but it isn’t. Jin stares down at me, looking a little exasperated but mostly amused. “When I went to your home and was told that you weren’t in, I had a hunch that I’d be able to find you here,” he explains his presence before I can even ask. “Can we talk?” He waves his hand towards the inside of the room, and I belatedly realise that this is the room in which he awakened desires unknown to me before. There is no way I’ll be able to concentrate, being in his company, and inside that room, of all places! “Umm, I need to tell Kiyo about last night,” I whisper softly, unconsciously taking a step away from the temptation before me. “I’ve already told her what happened last night.” Jin easily renders my feeble excuse useless. “When I arrived earlier, you weren’t here so I took the opportunity to talk to her.” “Then did she tell you...” in the middle of the question, I stop myself. If she hadn’t told him then I shouldn’t be asking him about it. Jin, being the perceptive person that he is, can guess what I was about to say. “She told me the reason she gave me false information that one instance in the past.” His features dim with regret that is years too late. “I’m sorry for the way I treated her. For not giving her a chance to explain. How can I hate her when she was a victim too? In the end, she lost someone very important to her as well. Yet she still helped me when I was in trouble last night.” Deflating a little, he leans against the wall with a soft sigh. “I still have a lot to learn. But I think apologising and thanking her is a start.” “It’s a good start,” I agree wholeheartedly. The whole talk about last night and Kiyo has distracted me, but Jin recalls his purpose faster than I do. Without warning, he reaches out and grabs my arm, yanking me towards him. Things are unfolding similarly to how it did the last night I was here with him, but this time, I fall clumsily against him, pushing him against the wall. I begin to apologise automatically. “I’m sorry—“ “I’m not.” He interrupts the apology that I uttered without thinking. Nor is he giving me a chance to step away. The arms that hold me to him show no signs of letting go, conversely, they’re tightening even more around me. Only when I tilt my head up to look at him does he lift one hand up to cradle my cheek. The touch is so gentle, in contrast to his firm grasp around my waist that I feel cherished and thrilled all at the same time. However, his gaze turns sober, searing me with a look that makes my heart throb. “When I felt a stir inside me the first time I met you, I thought it was just my imagination. After all, it was the first time I’ve felt like that since my fiancée died, and even then I didn’t feel as strongly for her as I did for you. I didn’t think I ever could. Why is it, I wonder?” It was rhetorical, a wonderment that he’d struggled to find an answer to, I can tell. Even now his features take on a lost look, finding his way out of a maze of confusing emotions. “I’m not absolutely sure of the reason even now. Perhaps it’s because you’re her opposite. It’s funny that I found her extreme paranoia irritating, but after losing her I became distrusting myself. I lost the ability to trust others to do anything, and I ended up doing everything on my own. Yet at the same time, I guarded the people I love so jealously that they didn’t get the opportunity to see my troubles and support me.” Noticing that his downcast eyes can’t seem to meet my own, I lean into his embrace, laying my cheek against his chest. Underneath his layers of clothes, I can hear his heart drum a frantic, thunderous beat against my ear. “But you... you’re so kind and trusting. Even though it’s hurtful, you choose to put your faith in the better nature of others. You remind me that I can trust and rely on people. You returned me to the best version of myself, when I was most happy. And I’m happy now. It doesn’t matter exactly why I love you, I just do.” I snap up to look at him at that, unable to believe what he’d just said. My inability to speak must be apparent to him, because instead of waiting for me to string two words together, he dips his head down, capturing my lips. A moan comes out at once, as if already waiting at the back of my throat. My body relaxes against him, like his embrace is where I belong while my insides tighten with excitement, every part of it remembering the bliss that he doused me with that night after he gave me that warning. The kiss heightens from sweet to passionate as we get lost in each other, and his hold on me becomes more constricting. Still, I welcome it, pressing myself even closer against him until I notice a stubborn hardness poking against my belly. Curious, I run my palm against the bump, then shiver in pleasant surprise as the contact causes Jin to let out a deep moan, finally wrenching himself away from me. Emboldened by his reaction, I repeat the motion. Every sound that he makes pushes my hand to move faster, while the other works deftly to undress him, looking intently at each other all the while. I want him to experience how amazing he made me feel before, regardless of how brazen I’m being. His kimono parts, and I can’t help but break eye contact to marvel at his body. It’s sculpted so perfectly, but when I run my hand down from his shoulder past his chest and stomach, I realise that the warm, velvety skin can’t possibly belong to a mere statue. Toned muscles jump under my touch, a soft hiss escapes when my fingers brush his nipple, but it’s the sharp intake of breath that whistles in my ears when I arrive at his erection that delights me the most. Jin is pliant in my hands, allowing me to explore every inch of his alluring body, and it imbues me with a sense of power. I want to make him feel even better. Until he’s in the same state as I was last time. Smirking at him, I lower myself slowly, taking care to brush my body against every bit of his on my way down to my knees. His hardened member is larger at this distance, intimidating, but I don’t hesitate before opening my mouth to swallow him. “Ah!” His exclamation is of surprise that I did such an inconceivable thing, and of pleasure because I did. Trying not to forget my mission in a panic, I take deep breaths through my nose, every inhale of air making me more conscious of the way he’s filling my mouth. After a few moments of collecting myself, I push myself up further and further, suppressing my gag reflex as his tip greets the back of my throat. This is much harder than I thought, but the reward is so worth it. My head is swimming with the scent of him, his drawn out groan music to my ears. Although I can’t remain this way for long, I dive back in right after pulling back, then repeat it again. Tongue slipping every which way all around him, coating him with my saliva so my movements are unhindered, until my speed causes him to thread his fingers through my hair. They tremble violently against my scalp in an effort to hold back, but I don’t extend him the same courtesy; my own are gripping his thighs so hard, to the point where he snaps and curls them into a tight fist in my hair. If it isn’t already challenging enough to take in his cock of my own volition, it certainly is now, with him holding me still so he can ram himself at a pace that has tears streaming down my face. However, he stops himself before losing control completely, yanking me up and spinning me with him to pin me against the wall, reversing our positions with no effort. Before I can properly catch my breath, he crashes his lips down to mine, uncaring of the drool that is flowing unattractively from the corners of my mouth, tasting himself on my tongue as he kisses me like he wants to devour me whole. And I find that I have no complaints about that. We’re both gasping for air by the time we’re forced to part only because of the necessity for oxygen. “And here I thought you’re much more innocent than that,” he remarks, still panting. There’s a desperation in his voice, conveyed by the way he tears at my clothes, pulling it apart so vehemently I hear the fabric rip. Yet the issue of my getting home with a damaged kimono is the last thing on my mind. There’s no room for sanity when he’s yanking my legs open so he can sink his fingers into my already weeping pussy. The juices leaking from me allows him to sink three fingers inside me all the way to his knuckles, making me whine with pleasure and the need for more. I already know that intelligible speech will very soon become impossible for me, so I quickly reply, “Aren’t you glad that I spend time here now?” His answer is a non-verbal one; starting with a speed that rivals one I used earlier, he shoves his digits inside me, again and again, building up until I can’t hold back my cries. Even then I can hear the mortifying sound of liquid being endlessly, forcibly replaced by his fingers as fast as my body is producing it, becoming louder and faster when his thumb finds my clit. Wanting to grind myself against his palm and at the same time irrationally needing to escape the mounting pleasure, without thinking, I find myself already on my tiptoes. However, Jin, ever the expert in reading my thoughts and giving me exactly what I crave, encourages me, although he also disappoints me by drawing his arms away from me so he can hook my legs up over them, dragging me up the wall, literally and figuratively. I whine at the loss of contact, my core feeling empty without him, but he ignores my protests. Instead, he moves closer to me, and I feel a pressure against my entrance. Before I can ask, he whispers an unexpected reply in my ear; “Be that as it may, but I’d much rather we do this at our home.” He doesn’t even give me time to mull over or be thrilled by the implication of his words for he punctuates the sentence by increasing the pressure from his hips, forcing the engorged head of his cock inside me. I gasp, then mewl with every inch that sinks further inside me, the sound accompanying Jin’s low growl. Upon the completion of our bodies’ union, he kisses me hungrily, almost making me forget how full I feel until he draws back so he can push himself back in. At first his moves are leisurely, different from the way he’s claiming my mouth. Strong arms keep me from falling as he slowly penetrates me repeatedly. It’s divine, but soon the long moments of my pussy being empty, then teased bit by bit as he slides in and out of me become frustrating. Not just for me, because Jin gets me to secure my legs around his waist so he can remove his arms from underneath them and circle my own waist instead. He backs away from the wall ever so slightly, taking my lower half with him, then hits us both against the wall. A cry rings out from me as loud as the bang of our bodies against the solid wood when the movement buries him deeper inside me in one forceful push. He does it again, each time exquisitely jarring, causing me to groan with each strike. However, even that isn’t enough to satiate Jin. He shifts his hold, hands gripping my waist so I’m pinioned against the wall, and proceeds to ram into me with force unlike anything before. I yelp, first in shock and a little pain, but with each stroke my cries become ones of delirious pleasure, savouring the sparks of friction his cock is making against my inner walls, uncaring of the threat of my brains being fucked out by the strength of his thrusts. He’s taking me almost brutally, yet it feels amazing, and I can’t make any sense of it, though that’s the last thing I want to do. He makes every part of my body sing mysteriously, as mystifying as he makes me love him with every fibre of my being. With every thrust he drags my back up the wall, but my mind is taken even higher, reaching a peak that makes my belly tighten and my legs stiffen. His breaths, like mine, shorten and once again his fingers slip between us to seek out my weakness. Having the pads of his fingers tease my sensitive clit is more than I can take. But I have little mobility in this position, making it hard for me to thrash around and lift my hips to meet his as much as I’d like to. The desperate need channels into my throat and hands instead; my calls of his name increasing in volume and my nails dragging against his bare back. His own bellow is muffled by burying his head in the exposed length of my neck as I throw my head back, screaming from the intense orgasm that he induced. At the same time, he lets himself go, ramming himself so deeply within me that I don’t know how he can detach himself afterwards, pouring his warm seed into my belly. In the aftermath of his lovemaking, he slumps forward, most of his strength sapped by his frenzied fucking, yet he manages to keep me secure in his embrace. Pressing his lips all over my neck, he sluggishly lowers both of us down to the tatami, where he continuous to shower me with loving kisses. I’ve never known such feverish lust, but if this is how life is going to be with Jin, I can see myself enjoying it immensely. Belatedly concerned, I cautiously touch the scratches I’ve left on him, but he doesn’t seem to mind at all, the gesture drawing an elated smile from him instead of a grimace. Besides, as he points out to me, I’m not the only one who left him with marks; during our wild fucking he hasn’t only scratched me, but bruised me with his brute force, and from the throbbing of my pussy still full of his cock, I have no doubt that the soreness is going to last even longer this time. Like Jin, I don’t find myself minding it at all. In fact, I’m looking forward to experiencing it again in the future; a sentiment that he seems to share. Eventually I’m able to think coherently again, and I wonder my curiosities aloud. “Should we get up now? I know you’ve already thanked Kiyo, but I think it’s only right that I express my gratitude to her as well. Or should I come here another time to do it?” Even though logic dictates that we need to get a move on, what I really want is to stay like this with him forever. “You won’t be able to find her here next time, but that’s not a problem, because I’ve employed her to work in the castle.” The news delights me and I convey my approval by flashing him a bright smile. He looks as euphoric as I feel, languidly brushing my hair with his fingers. “Now that you have no reason to come here, if I find you here again, I might just tie you up at home and make love to you until you can’t move.” A mischievous gleam causes his eyes to glow. “I haven’t showed you all my love if you can still walk afterwards.”

Did you enjoy this story? If yes, check out the accompanying birthday stories!

[1] He Left (Hoseok) [2] He Stole (Yoongi) [3] He Lied (Jungkook) [4] He Shot (Namjoon) [5] He Fell (Jimin) [6] He Loved (Seokjin)  [7] He Decided (Taehyung)