#grammarly

(Shall I compare thee to a broken update?)

By Bocephus Jackson, The Hemlock Bard, ©2026 Bocephus Jackson. All Rights Reserved

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“Cry ‘Havoc!’, and let slip the dogs of war.” — Shakespeare, Julius Caesar

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Why did Shakespeare use ‘Et tu’ instead of ‘Et toi?’ According to Suetonius, a Roman historian, Caesar's Greek phrase: “Kai su, teknon?" was translated into Latin by later writers. Where translation is treachery by committee, Grammarly has become the newest conspirator. “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”

[Autocorrect suggestion: “Shall I compare thee to an earnings report?”]

Every suggestion it makes is another conspirator stepping out from among the shadows. Whether patched or the latest victim, Grammarly has worked itself from an overpriced blessing into an enduring burden, where the son of a beast offers daily hallucinations and erroneous autocorrects. “Friends, Romans, countrymen… lend me your ears!”

[Autocorrect suggestion: “Friends, 1994-2004; 10 Seasons. RomComs, Countrytime Lemonade… Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer!]

This is a tragic lament of every writer as AI technology presents far more flaws than features. Of nearly 100 AI models field-tested and used over eight months, only three remain structurally viable as post-creation editors. “To be or not to be. That is the question.”

[Autocorrect suggestion: To correct or not to correct—that is the question?]

In producing 3-5 literary works per day, 7 days a week, within a couple of months, each model suffers Caesar’s fate through endless bleeds. So much for them sounding their Whitmanean yawp across the rooftops…

[Autocorrect suggestion: Yelp Review — #1769 That ‘Slap Chop’ guy gives off Andy Dick vibes. I am going to call my congressman and Chris Hansen over his “You are going to love my nuts” line. Love the product though! It does wonders for juicy sausages. And don't get me started on what it does to heavy melons!]

…Grammarly is presently exsanguinating in another window presently. For what limited features the app offers, reliability justifies(?!) the cost. “Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath borne me on his back a thousand times…” But now?

[Autocorrect suggestion: Alas, power yogurt. Check expiration date.]

Every word typed morphs into a linguistic autocorrect of hallucinated hubris rather than actual grammatical errors. The correlation is that Caesar suffered due to his ambitions, whereas Grammarly has yet to achieve any victories, large or small.

Its saving grace is that the market is a Shakespearean tempest of compromise, where form rarely meets function. Every editor shares the same core complaints: an overabundance of forced em dashes, translation inconsistencies, and sanded-down language. As the Cassius of code, I want to break Prospero’s staff over its server.

[Autocorrect suggestion: “Papa John's coupon — Buy one get one free with a yearly online subscription: $169.99.”]

Grammarly exceeds this with repeated authorial rewrites mid-sentence. But the greatest betrayal, where McCarthyism is alive and well in the digital age, lies in the syntactical restructuring of prose or poetry that ultimately leads to an AI-flagged warning from the very app that causes it.

If “All the world's a stage,” as a writer, we live and die under the auspices of this Scarlett Letter….

[Autocorrect suggestion: “All Smashburger locations now offer delivery. “Don’t forget to get an order of our garlic rosemary fries. They’ll give you gastric flux, but in the end, everything will flow like a Shakespearean sonnet!”]

If Grammarly is to be a worthy emperor over other editors, it has to earn its riches. For now, it is but a courtly jester flagging errors that are much ado about nothing, forcing autocorrect as it likes it.

[Autocorrect suggestion: Do The Right Thing; a Spike Lee film (1989)]

Otherwise, die, Caesar, die! So, “brother, help me.” Because these errors are driving me to Lear’s madness, someone call 911 and get my shotgun loaded with Oxford Commas. It's time to go Hemingway on the algorithmic antagonist of the modern artist.

[Autocorrect suggestion: “And to the strength, so go the length/Thinkin' you are first when you really are tenth/You better wake up and smell the real flavor/’Cause 911 is a fake life-saver. Public Enemy; '911 Is a Joke.']

Ugh!! ...Beware the Ides of March... No daggers wielded but deception, no swords, but flagged stanzas, good morrow Grammarly, March brings bad tidings…

[Autocorrect suggestion: Schedule conflict. Resend Iran invite?]

Veni, vidi, canceled!

…So sayeth Poor Tom.

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“I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.” — Shakespeare, Julius Caesar

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