#gossiper e

We know that you all have been eagerly awaiting this post, just on the edge of your seats to know what we know... So, let’s get started, shall we? We last left off with all the goings-on from the frat party... 

Ginger Spice seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth for a few days as he wasn't seen on campus with Prying Prima Donna... Trouble in paradise already? Weren't they just being overly domestic?

Harlot Heartbreaker was apparently featuring Bastard Baby once again as she showed up to her class with her law books and a stroller... Sounds like the beginnings of a terrible t.v. show...

Speaking of Heartbreaker... we seem to be under the suspicion that H.H. and her daring Smug Suit are broken up? Smug Suit was seen wandering off campus pretty late... and H.H was seen with Yeehaw Yokel and Pandered Prince with her Bastard Baby Sunday afternoon looking like absolute trash... and that’s an insult to trash... 

We weren't able to report anything on Candy-Coated Catastrophe or Robot Reject last time because they are so generally boring and lame... but apparently our very own Catastrophe gave birth to a bearded dragon? Totally knew that something was off about those two but my bets were on them being aliens... not lizards...?

Our Lovely Lyricist may not be so lovely much longer if she continues to stuff her face with cookies as if they are real meals... or maybe if she just came clean about whatever she's hiding, she could slow down on the cookie intake... Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that there have been reports of L.L. and what seemed to be a male having rather sexual conversations through the walls of the Pillsbury dorms... and that Deluded Dancer mysteriously disappeared around the dorms for days... Not only that... but just recently our sources saw the pair hugging each other very tightly before retreating back into her room... Seems like our high school sweethearts are hiding quite a bit...

Now on to the scoops that E picked up! Go for it, hot stuff.

Spotted: Yeehaw Yokel and Pandered Prince entering the Pillsbury wellness center and our source says the blonde bombshell was looking hella uncomfortable. Is AXI suffering from a case of the clap? If you've been spending time over at the AXI house, you should probably get yourself a little wellness check just in case...

Many of you reported seeing Nervous Nelly trying way too hard to impress one of the Smythe twins. It didn't take us much research to find out it was Other Smythe. Get it together Thunderclaps, French Fatale wouldn't be seen dead in that cardigan and hat combo. Such a shame he got swiped off the market so quick though, I sure as hell wanted to sink my teeth into that, maybe they'll be up for a plus one, what do you think V? 

I think you could do much, much better than those two, E... Besides, there’s no way they’ve fucked already... Nervous Nelly got their name for a reason, remember? - V

Speaking of getting boys into bed you know who I haven't seen slutting it up in a while? JU's own Scarlet Soviet. He's been mysteriously absent from the back ally of The Flame... did he catch the Clap from AXI or are our loyal fans right and the social media conversation between one Robot Reject and the Scarlet Soviet himself really did suggest he's managed to tie down Delinquent Dawkins. I'm certain this is going to last all of five minutes when one's a hoe and the other is going to end up back in jail before the end of the semester. P.S. We are now taking bets on how long before DD is locked up again, send us a message if you want in on the game!

And that’s our round-up! Let us know if we’ve forgotten anything, babes... and remember... we’re around if you ever feel like confessing- anonymously or not! 

First of all we are still questioning the unlikely friendship between Scarlet Soviet and Karaoke Klutz. KK got so shitfaced, he never even made it to a microphone for his favorite pastime and had to be dragged home by the old ball and chain Sidelined Sidekick.

Next up we’ve got Nervous Nelly and Other Smythe spotted hiding by the grill looking very cozy. We wish them the best (aka we hope they bring each other out of their shells and give us something to talk about). We were expecting something far more scandalous from the newest Smythe on campus so better get to it or you’ll be Other Smythe forever!

Speaking of Smythes, many of you sent us juicy pics of French Fatale and Grumpy Cat sucking face... is this some new-fangled lax training method or are they not as gay as they say?

I think my personal favorite part of the night was Toddler Boy getting up on that table and giving us a show, Rihanna style. You go TB!

The new normal for Ginger Spice was interrupted tonight by Scarlet Soviet giving him a quick waterboarding but somehow they both walked away without injury. My question is who’s buying from who in that transaction or is it an exchange of services?

You know who didn’t walk away without injury? Draco Malfoy, he was spotted with a split lip and the beginnings of what we can only hope will be a spectacular black eye. Looks like he got on the wrong side of Delinquent Dawkins if the bloodied knuckles are any indication, and then who expected to see SS helping Delinquent Dawkins home? Wonder what that cost. What would a Joie party be without a fight, you Thunderclaps sure have some fun traditions!

“And now over to V who definitely has her claws out tonight!”

"Right on time, too, E. I just finished filing them to purrfection. Meow."

Not only did Draco Malfoy not get to pay his way out of that lovely shade of purple his eye is now... but he also got screamed at by Baby Mama Drama... who is seriously not living up to her name... she needs a new one- maybe Harlot Heartbreaker ft. Bastard Baby! Anyways, Harlot Heartbreaker tossed her Bastard Baby over to Yeehaw Yokel and spent her entire time screaming at... everyone for everything? Seems like she might have been taking out some feelings on the party people- Maybe those feelings had to do with a certain Smug Suit attending the party without her? Whatever it is- sweetie needs to chill the fuck out. 

 Two lovebirds that were seen together though? Ginger Spice and Prying Prima Donna spent basically the entire party gushing over each other and eating grapes... out of all the food that was there. I am honestly not sure if I should “awh” or gag.

Though the grooms-to-be did end up witnessing the Lovely Lyricist (or so we think- we have yet to hear anything she's written) and her slippery introduction to Joie. L.L. ended up at the feet of Presumptuous Perfectionist and looked like she was about to pass out. If she had though, I suppose Deluded Dancer would have swept in there, right? I heard they used to be an item. My bets are on that this "song" L.L. has said she's finished is about how much she actually wants D.D. back. Honestly super curious why she would want him back though... I saw the guy literally sit in the kiddie pool full of ice and drinks... Pillsbury Dough-boy can keep him... Or can he?

“That’s all for now Folx, please bring us something to sink our teeth into soon!”

We discovered the source of the disturbance to be the apartment of no other than Harlot Heartbreaker who was shouting at Military Migraine about their Bastard Baby. Yes you heard it hear first folks, we knew Smug Suit wasn't the baby daddy but looks like she's been keeping it in the family, we must have ESP, V. It's looking like the Chambers-Clarington family is even more messed up than those Pillsbury-Schuester-McCarthy's, good work Fabray, even we're impressed. 

So Smug Suit and HH are no more, but sounded like Yeehaw Yokel and Pandered Prince were vying for top spot over Military Migraine. Can't exactly imagine any of them being able to keep a baby alive and yet somehow HH has done it for over a year now so who knows. All we know for sure is MM doesn't think YY or PP are suited for role of Dad, never mind Uncle or Nanny. 

There are also reports of this shouting match becoming a contact sport, with YY going head to head with MM. My money's on MM coming out on top. He whines like a baby about his military upbringing but YY is soft as a baby's bottom so I'm not expecting much there, even if he is on the football team, we know who his boyfriend is.

In conclusion, if you want a free show hang out on the second floor of the Sylvester apartments, it's cheaper and far more entertaining than anything you'll find playing at The Limelight."

To celebrate this sickly holiday V and I have put together a surprise for you... This school is full of disgustingly happy in love couples so, let's put that love and trust to the test with a little honesty hour! If the question is sent with a cupids bow you must answer honestly. Don't forget, we'll be watching... -Love, E & V

S/O-Specific Questions:

Would you ever consider giving your S/O a “hall pass”?

What’s something your S/O does that *isn’t* sexual, but still always manages to turn you on?

Is there anything you secretly like doing to get a rise out of your S/O?

If you *had* to pick a third for you and your current S/O, who would you choose?

Be honest: Do you think you love your S/O *a little* more than they love you?

On a scale of 1 - 10, rate how good of a kisser you think you are. How good of a kisser is the person you’re currently dating?

Be honest: Do you see a long future with the person you’re currently with?

Any sexual fantasies with your S/O that you haven’t told them about yet?

For the person you’re currently with, how long did you date them before you were ready to make things official?

Out of you and your S/O, who fell in love first? Who fell in love harder?

In your current relationship, who do you think fell for whom first?

What’s the most romantic thing your S/O has ever done for you?

What’s the sexist non-nude picture you have of your S/O? Post it.

'Anyone But Your S/O’ Questions:

If you weren’t dating the person you’re currently with, who at this school would you be with instead?

Describe the last sex dream you had that involved someone *other than* who you’re currently dating.

Are you currently dating the same person you were crushing on a year ago? If not, who was the person you were crushing on?

Describe the last time you got your heartbroken.

If you *had* to hate-fuck someone other than your S/O at this Joie, who would you choose?

Could you ever imagine yourself in a poly relationship with your current S/O and someone else at Joie? If so, who?

Look at the first 5 (non S/O) people in your contacts [OOC: Use a list randomizer]. Rank them by attractiveness with 1 being the hottest.

Be honest: Do you find the last person (not your S/O) that you texted attractive?

Do you have any sexts or nudes from someone other than your current S/O?

If you weren’t with your S/O, what’s the *oldest* you’d ever consider having sex with at the age you are right now?

Be honest: Do you have any exes that you still think about?

Are there any people you were casual with that you actually would’ve considered dating regularly?

Be honest: Have you ever considered dating the ex of a family member?

General Love/Sex/Romance Questions:

What’s your body count?

How long into a relationship is long enough to consider marriage?

Is cheating ever an excusable action?

What’s the hottest/sexiest non-nude photo that you’ve sent someone? Post it.

What’s your body count?

Have you ever accidentally gotten turned on in public? Tell me what happened.

Do you consider a Disney wedding too cliché?

Have you ever paid for sex?

Have you ever had the condom broke? How did you handle it?

On a scale of 1 to 10, how jealous are you?

Is jealousy in a partner a turn on or a turn off for you?

When was the last time you had a one night stand?

Even been in a ‘Friend with Benefits’ situation?

Be honest: Is make up sex really as great as people say it is?

Have you ever been inside a sex store?

When’s the last time you brought a toy into the bedroom?

Describe your dream date.

Would you ever consider getting a vibrating tongue ring?

Tell me your most embarrassing story involving kissing someone.

Is stargazing too cheesy of a date idea for you?

Do you prefer sweet kisses or straight-up make out sessions?

Chocolates or flowers?

PDA - Yes or no?

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Are you clingy?

What’s your favorite place to be kissed?

ANYWAYS, news is out and hangovers are a-plenty from the Flame night this weekend. Let’s see what us and our minions uncovered, shall we? 

Pandered Prince and Yeehaw Yokel swapped one lonely female for another, this time bringing the one and only Harlot Heartbreaker. But as per usual, the “College Sweethearts” abandoned their lonely girl to go fuck somewhere... I wonder where they did it this time. Who heard their loud moans- you know, other than the frat boys who have probably blocked out the sounds at this point.

Seeing Harlot Heartbreaker out without her bastard baby was kind of a shock since she never shuts up about how she has a kid. We get it, blondie. You spread your legs. Prince and Yokel only brought her out to secure time with the bastard baby. Which brings me to-

Notably missing there- Military Migraine. I’m guessing the weird quad are still not the best of friends. Though he has been seen being quite comfortable going in and out of H.H’s apartment. Rumor has it that he’s all but moved in there. 

Or is he living nextdoor to one of the Chambers boys? Can you say family reunion between Migraine and his dear cousins- Nervous Nelly and Smug Suit? No?

Speaking of moving- tis the season? Grumpy Cat is now living in the same frat house where her cousin- Pandered Prince- is getting loudly dicked down frequently? There are some real weird family connections going on at this school, aren’t there?

Anyways, Grumpy Cat had to have blown some cash that night with how many drinks must have made it on her tab. 

Lovely Lyricist and Deluded Dancer were peppy and exhausting as ever.

Ginger Spice has become as soft as a wet noodle- clear from his gag-worthy performance dedicated to Prying Prima Donna. 

Nervous Nelly... sang a song about being a one night stand, which seems a little foreboding for his relationship with Other Smythe. 

BUT WAIT- one of my personal favorite moments was watching French Fatale and Toddler Boy grinding on the dance floor and- if my eyes didn’t deceive me- F.F. even gallantly helped T.B. out of the club. Who wants to take bets that they fucked? I guess Weak Wreck isn’t dicking him down enough. “Love” only goes so far, am I right?

Who notably didn’t seem to be having a good time? Drag Mama Drama and John... again, “love” only goes so far. Though who could be mad at the ring on DMD’s hand. Although... they did escape out a back door. I have always said that a good fuck can solve most problems, but I never took DMD as a back alley hookup kinda guy. ...Well, not literally in back allies anyways. 

Anyone else that was there that night... well, you really didn’t do anything notable, did you? Otherwise we would have heard about it. TA-TA for now, bitches. We’ll be back for more fun soon- we promise. 

In the meantime, if you see or hear something... our ask box is always open for dirt. 

*Harlot Heartbreaker

You know we love our drama here at Thunderclap Central but damn.