#ghostly rants

I once had a dream I was walking into the backrooms with someone but it wasn't like clipping through anything or something, it was like walking into an office space and going behind closed areas and then reaching the backrooms and I had a choice to turn back or not and I knew what was happening and what the backrooms was and that I would get stuck but I kept going because I was either fascinated/excited or scared because earlier in the dream, I was being chased by something that I can't remember and Im absolutely terrified of being chased and it was really weird because I got away from the things that were chasing me and I got into this city but it was weird cuz everything felt really wrong and I felt like I didn't belong there or like I wasn't actually safe from the things chasing me and that's why I ventured further into the backrooms

I fucking hate realizing things. I could be doing something completely unrelated, just a normal thing and it just. Hits. The realization just hits. It's there, it's in my eyes, in the way my hands are shaped, in my hair, in my cheeks, in my lips- the realization is a key ingredient of all those things. The way I look in the mirror is full of realization, my hands are shaped by realization, my hair is knotted with realization, my cheeks are full of realization, my lips are filled with realization- it's everywhere and in everything and every once in a while I'll realize something again and it just gets worse, every time the realization hits, it's worse then before. It's in my throat, in my tear ducts, in my organs. I can't get rid of it. It's inside me and I keep realizing such vile things and I hate it

There are those songs that just sound so... Doomed, yk? Like I love them so much and they just make me feel so utterly doomed like I'm some yearning twenty year old man whose love with a specific person is so doomed and it's full of yearning but not like sweet and nice it's just doomed. Like something/someone is so far out of your reach that you can't help but slump to the cold ground and just yearn. It's like losing someone so close to you and instead of a stinging pain it's just... There. Like the grief of losing that person is just. There. It's a cup of coffee in the morning that makes you think about how they liked theirs, it's a certain texture of fabric that you remember them liking, it's watching the sunrise through the curtains and thinking about if they'd like the view. Or worse, you don't think of them. You try and search for the reason you feel this way and you can't find it and instead you just. Feel it. You don't think of the way they like their coffee or that fabric they like or if they'd like the sunrise, the pain is just there. You can't get rid of it, and you don't know the reason for it. It's in the back of your throat, it's in the sky, it's in your clothes, in your glasses, it's everywhere and yet you can't place where it exactly originated from, and you can't help but succumb to it.

I miss flutter so much💔💔 I WANT MY LOVER BACK PLEASEE WAHHHH *sobs* FLUTTER I LOVE YOU COME BACK (╥﹏╥)