#genophobia

"you just need to learn your own body and be comfortable <3"

it’s a nice day today.

the sun shines through the doubles glass doors, lighting my life with a warm glow that was missed in the winter months, yet despite it i choose to stay in the cold corner of the house; keep myself and the mirrors covered, perceived by no one. i haven’t had sex in a decade to the day.

the birds may sing outside my window, but the rot inside my soul stays dormant - fermenting; making my skin fizz, bubble and sting at the slightest hint of a peace offering from the universe - my body keeping a scoreboard of a decade's long misfortune, a body once soft now a museum of all of my sins.

i live through the bad days in slow motion - a ticking time bomb now hijacked to my heart, i sit and wait in anticipation for it to finish me off. rumours of good days ahead fill my phone and on my calendar, with no energy to see them through.

ten years.

ten years of waiting for this ancient ache in me to dull; ten years of loose eyelashes that fall into my cusped hands, ten years of deciding fight or flight when i smell his aftershave. ten years of wondering what i ever did to deserve it, ten years of blaming myself for it, ten years of asking 'why'.

ten years.

the time passed regardless of it all. the universe does not care to wait for me to catch my breath, just for a moment.

ten more years.

can yall give me your experiences with gynocologists please i need this appointment but im genuinely terrified

ive never had sex so ive never had the experience of someone looking at my genitals before and i never want to have sex because thats also genuinely terrifying to me. anything related to someone looking at or touching my genitals makes me want to die so if i could put this appointment off until it kills me i absolutely would