I feel like I just went back into the closet again because of my job, which is crazy because I got kicked out of home for being trans... It feels so similar to how I was when I decided that the struggle was too much for me and I went back to using she/her pronouns because "it was easier"... And then had such terrible gender dysphoria I wanted to rip my hair out. Cosplaying a Woman each day, every day, for eight hours each week, her dead name dangling under each e-mail – it makes me slowly lose myself and I know it. I dissociate from life because of it, I can barely remember anything that happens at work, I feel so out of place there. I can see people judging me. And the dysphoria peeks through the cracks every so often. Today I got a really heart-warming e-mail from one of my professors who noticed that I put my deadname in brackets when I sent him my assignment and it almost made me cry because it's been so long since I could use my actual name "professionally". Being non-binary feels like a nightmare sometimes. I used to have so much more courage the last two years, but that's probably because I was surrounded by friends. Now I feel like I have no one because I'm always at work or depressed at home. So it's so rare for me to hear my actual name from someone who's not on a screen or speaker. Man, what the fuck.
