Not too long ago I found myself in what felt like the depths of despair. This season has had so many ups and downs and I’ve wondered more than once if I wouldn’t survive this season fully intact. As I laid in bed I felt emotionally at a crossroad, the air was thick with depression and despair. Everything seemed broken and I felt so alone. I had spent my first weeks in my apartment by myself and had challenging relational interactions and it seemed like there was nothing good around me.
If you haven’t figured it out yet, I am a deep feeler and intense feeler. I can get lost in my emotions and I spend much of my time searching for the middle ground of the extremes of emotions. Don’t get it twisted I wouldn’t trade being wired this way no matter how hard it is or how much I’m discounted because of my intense feeler-ness. I will fight anyone who discounts me because of that wiring (someone recently told me that being with someone emotional was a burden....#HoldMeBack), these pieces of me make me highly effective (when wielded well :-)).
I digress.... As I sat in emotional despair I was reminded of something I studied in positive psychology. I remember reading about the difference between happiness and joy. Happiness is a feeling and Joy is more of a state of mind or choice . I journaled the following “Happiness is a feeling and Joy is a perspective, so that means its all about how I look at it, not how the situation feels. So what if I write all I am happy about? With no clarifications or caveats. I just focus on what is true and what makes me feel joy. I choose Joy.” Joy felt like the lifeline into the depths of my situation.
I spent the next 5 minutes writing down people’s names and things that bring me straight Joy. Things that take some work or have conditions weren’t added to the wall. As I taped these items to the wall I was overcome by all of the Joy that exists in my life. As you can see from the dots on them, sometimes more than once. Each night I end my day with adding to the wall of Joy, because I am confident there is Joy in every one of my days. The things that are hard and I don’t want to focus on are in a bin of items “to let go of”.
Please don’t look for your name above.. that is not the point.
My goal is to act on and do what is congruent with my Joy. It’s not easy and takes a choice each day to find the Joy but I’m confident it is there! While this season is wrought with pain, challenges, anxiety, depression and fear there is still Joy in it.
What are you finding Joy in this season?
Thank you for diving into the #JoyfulDeepEnd
Update: See how the picture has grown since the first picture.
