#fitjournal

It’s been a long time since I’ve written a real post on here. I don’t spend that much time on Tumblr anymore - not that I don’t like it anymore, because I do, but I didn’t really have anything interesting to share.

I need to start over again. To reclaim this space. So here goes. 

Love: I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half. We’ve lived together for a little over a year. We’ve just bought an apartment together. We’re going to become civil partners soon. Everything’s dandy for us.

Mental health: it’s been a difficult year. I’m back on anti-depressants, I’m taking meds to control my bipolar episodes, I’m also on an anti-anxiety medication. I don’t really know what happened. I know most of it comes from the fact that last year, I came to the realization that I didn’t like my job anymore, not the way I am doing it, and I felt trapped. I’m doing things to improve that (as well as a teacher, I am now also a student, preparing a bachelor’s degree to become a Cultural project coordinator, but I’m wondering now if I made the right choice). It hit me hard, because I used to love my job. 

Food: Thanks to my sucky mental health, I’m now at the heighest weight I have ever been. I haven’t been able to eat healthy for more than two weeks in a row. Being in a relationship doesn’t make it easier, especially when there’s a kid in the mix. 

Working out: it’s been a challenge. I’ve just come back to work after 8 weeks of sick leave due to exhaustion, so I didn’t really take the time to exercise. I’m trying to move more often now, at least to get my steps in. 

And lately I have felt the need to do something about it. But something new. I always try the same things and I do get results, but they’re not satisfactory, and I always get back to my unhealty habits. I’ve been watching some documentaries on Netflix (Sick, Fat and Nearly Dead and What The Health - and I’m probably watching Fed Up tonight), and I’m considering more and more switching to a plant-based diet. I probably won’t become a vegan, but I want to limit as much as possible my meat intake. If you decide to follow me, you have to bear with me and remember I won’t turn a vegan overnight (if ever) and I’m not trying to achieve perfect. I’m just a girl who wants to eat better to improve her health and have more energy, and live a longer, fuller life. 

There’s nothing fit or healthy about this log. I haven’t exercised in almost 3 weeks. My eating habits were not thaaat bad, but I haven’t even tried. I’m drowning in responsibilities, problems, family issues and my own failures. I’m anxious and sad all the time. I compare myself with everybody, and it seems everyone but me has achieved their dreams,everyone has a job and a partner, they’ve all have traveled around the world... And I’m still here. Fat, sad and ugly.

I don’t find joy in this life. Even when I try, nothing changes and I’m really unhappy.

I know I keep saying I’m going to be consistent but quite honestly, I haven’t been consistent with myself. I’ve been on track and then want to go next door to my job (there’s a bar and food) and drink and get food. Then I’ll push it off to the next day.

I signed up for the gym (mind you I told myself if I pay for it then I have to be consistent) and I find EVERY excuse to not go.

I’m not exactly sure what’s going on. My best friend believes I burnt myself out from the year and a half going hard. So I’m struggling to get back on track. In which I can see that being a possibility. The motivation left. It’s just like I don’t care anymore.

So I decided to detox myself from social media. I tend to keep my blog just because it helps me. I’m going to get back intune with myself. Self-love is important. So maybe that will give me the boost.

Today, I’ll be getting more leggings to workout in. I have enough shirts from different events. So I don’t really worry about workout shirts. I’ll be meal prepping soup for the week.