Notes On Being A Good Friend (To A Pregnant Woman!) Part 1
Your friend is pregnant. Now what?
Well, her life (and body) is about to change drastically. She's going to need a lot of love and support, and if you've never been pregnant, it can be hard to understand exactly how to do that. Which is why I'm here.
For starters, let me run you through some basic pregnancy facts that you'll need to know.
Pregnancies are approximately 9 months, or 40 weeks long. This wiggle room is due to the face that the length of pregnancy is calculated starting with the beginning of the last period, not the exact date of conception (obviously that's difficult). Also, due dates are approximations, not UPS delivery dates.
The entire pregnancy is divided up into “Trimesters”, each lasting approximately 3 months. A quick cheat sheet to the trimesters:
First Trimester: No baby bump, no gender, morning sickness, highest risk period for miscarriages
Second Trimester: A small baby bump (maybe), find out the gender, morning sickness ends (usually), can start to feel baby moving a little
Third Trimester: Big baby bump, easily worn out, baby moves a lot, Mom can't sleep well, heartburn.
We’ll just cover the first trimester in this post.
First Trimester Dos and Don'ts:
Share the big news with anyone without the express permission of the Mother. You could create a lot of drama and headache for her in the midst of some big changes. It's her news. Be courteous and considerate, even if you don't think it will cause a problem.
Start telling her horror stores about people losing their babies.
Ask if she's going to “keep it”. Whether you consider yourself pro-life or pro-choice, you don't know how she feels (she may change her mind after becoming pregnant). In any case, this can be a HIGHLY OFFENSIVE question.
Touch her belly. The placenta stays tucked down in the pelvis until about halfway through the pregnancy. You're not closer to the baby, you're caressing her lunch.
Start calling her “Mama” all the time. Becoming pregnant can shake your sense of identity, but she has a name, and this wonderful miracle growing inside her is a completely separate human being. She isn't Pregnant, she's a unique person who also happens to be pregnant.
Ask about the gender of the baby. She doesn't know yet.
Give advice on managing morning sickness unless you have experienced it for yourself. Morning sickness is not like normal nausea. You can simultaneously crave a meatball sub and feel like projectile vomiting.
BONUS POINTS – If you had minor morning sickness (read: you weren't at least on the edge of being hospitalized for dehydration), do not try to give your remedies to a woman suffering from severe sickness, or hyperemesis gravidarum. All the saltines, sour candies, teas, and yoga in the world won't make a difference. It's just discouraging.
Share any bad associations or disapproval you may have for a baby name she may be considering or have picked out. Just because it doesn't work in your head doesn't mean this baby shouldn't get a shot at creating their own identity with it. (Also, you'll majorly tick off Mom)
Push to hear what name she’s picked if she doesn’t want to share. It’s not your baby. Even if you’re related. Grandmothers, Aunts, Great-Grandmothers, Cousins, Best-Friends, Old Friends, Sisters, Moms... If you’re not pregnant, you don’t have the “right” to know anything.
Ask how big baby is this week. Baby apps and books often help mothers keep track of baby size with fruits (blueberry, apple, squash, watermelon). She'll probably be happy to share how big her baby is now, and glad you care enough to know that!
Offer to help out around the house if she needs it. The first trimester brings a new kind of exhaustion that really knocks you off your feet and makes it difficult to keep up with stuff that was easy before pregnancy.
Keep smells to a minimum. The surging hormones can give women a superhuman sense of smell, which makes average smells seem overpowering and nauseating. It can also twist good smells to make seem rotten and repulsive. If you're going to visit, don't wear perfume. If she's coming over to eat, consider the smell of food cooking and ask if it may bother her. Consider having a cold prep meal that may not be so aromatic. (Don't try to cover bad smells with Febreeze. That makes it worse.)
Be mindful of her demeanor. Blood volume increases by 50% with pregnancy, which can lead to pounding headaches, increased chance of fainting, and a greater chance of anemia. Combined with nausea, this can sometimes be so overwhelming that a pregnant woman can't even really voice what's happening. (I've sat on a couch and silently fainted without anyone noticing). Don't dote on her, just remember that her body is in the process of building another human, and it can have some weird side effects.
BONUS POINTS – Carry snacks around for her. One way to manage morning sickness is to snack frequently so you're never actually “hungry”. Hungry = Sick. If you know what she likes to snack on, even better, but if not, go for heavier, more filling foods like Ritz crackers, cheese, and nuts.
Disclaimer: Every woman is different, and each pregnancy is different. The key to implementing these is to have respectful discussions with your friend about what she prefers. These are general guidelines.
YOU DON’T DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT THESE APPLY.
THE PREGNANT WOMAN DOES.
