#howtobeafriend

Your friend is pregnant. Now what? Well, her life (and body) is about to change drastically. She's going to need a lot of love and support, and if you've never been pregnant, it can be hard to understand exactly how to do that. Which is why I'm here.

For starters, let me run you through some basic pregnancy facts that you'll need to know.

Pregnancies are approximately 9 months, or 40 weeks long. This wiggle room is due to the face that the length of pregnancy is calculated starting with the beginning of the last period, not the exact date of conception (obviously that's difficult). Also, due dates are approximations, not UPS delivery dates.

The entire pregnancy is divided up into “Trimesters”, each lasting approximately 3 months. A quick cheat sheet to the trimesters:

First Trimester: No baby bump, no gender, morning sickness, highest risk period for miscarriages

Second Trimester: A small baby bump (maybe), find out the gender, morning sickness ends (usually), can start to feel baby moving a little

Third Trimester: Big baby bump, easily worn out, baby moves a lot, Mom can't sleep well, heartburn.

We’ll just cover the first trimester in this post.

First Trimester Dos and Don'ts:

DON'T -

Share the big news with anyone without the express permission of the Mother. You could create a lot of drama and headache for her in the midst of some big changes. It's her news. Be courteous and considerate, even if you don't think it will cause a problem.

Start telling her horror stores about people losing their babies.

Ask if she's going to “keep it”. Whether you consider yourself pro-life or pro-choice, you don't know how she feels (she may change her mind after becoming pregnant). In any case, this can be a HIGHLY OFFENSIVE question.

Touch her belly. The placenta stays tucked down in the pelvis until about halfway through the pregnancy. You're not closer to the baby, you're caressing her lunch.

Start calling her “Mama” all the time. Becoming pregnant can shake your sense of identity, but she has a name, and this wonderful miracle growing inside her is a completely separate human being. She isn't Pregnant, she's a unique person who also happens to be pregnant.

Ask about the gender of the baby. She doesn't know yet.

Give advice on managing morning sickness unless you have experienced it for yourself. Morning sickness is not like normal nausea. You can simultaneously crave a meatball sub and feel like projectile vomiting. 

BONUS POINTS – If you had minor morning sickness (read: you weren't at least on the edge of being hospitalized for dehydration), do not try to give your remedies to a woman suffering from severe sickness, or hyperemesis gravidarum. All the saltines, sour candies, teas, and yoga in the world won't make a difference. It's just discouraging. 

Share any bad associations or disapproval you may have for a baby name she may be considering or have picked out. Just because it doesn't work in your head doesn't mean this baby shouldn't get a shot at creating their own identity with it. (Also, you'll majorly tick off Mom)

Push to hear what name she’s picked if she doesn’t want to share. It’s not your baby. Even if you’re related. Grandmothers, Aunts, Great-Grandmothers, Cousins, Best-Friends, Old Friends, Sisters, Moms... If you’re not pregnant, you don’t have the “right” to know anything.

DO - 

Ask how big baby is this week. Baby apps and books often help mothers keep track of baby size with fruits (blueberry, apple, squash, watermelon). She'll probably be happy to share how big her baby is now, and glad you care enough to know that!

Offer to help out around the house if she needs it. The first trimester brings a new kind of exhaustion that really knocks you off your feet and makes it difficult to keep up with stuff that was easy before pregnancy.

Keep smells to a minimum. The surging hormones can give women a superhuman sense of smell, which makes average smells seem overpowering and nauseating. It can also twist good smells to make seem rotten and repulsive. If you're going to visit, don't wear perfume. If she's  coming over to eat, consider the smell of food cooking and ask if it may bother her. Consider having a cold prep meal that may not be so aromatic. (Don't try to cover bad smells with Febreeze. That makes it worse.)

Be mindful of her demeanor. Blood volume increases by 50% with pregnancy, which can lead to pounding headaches, increased chance of fainting, and a greater chance of anemia. Combined with nausea, this can sometimes be so overwhelming that a pregnant woman can't even really voice what's happening. (I've sat on a couch and silently fainted without anyone noticing). Don't dote on her, just remember that her body is in the process of building another human, and it can have some weird side effects.

BONUS POINTS – Carry snacks around for her. One way to manage morning sickness is to snack frequently so you're never actually “hungry”. Hungry = Sick. If you know what she likes to snack on, even better, but if not, go for heavier, more filling foods like Ritz crackers, cheese, and nuts.

What it Means to Be a Friend to Me (March 2017)

When I came back from the cruise, all I was doing was trying to find my way back out onto another adventure. I can’t even count how many applications I sent out to employers all over the United States, but for a short-term goal for the summer, I wanted to go on a trip out of the country. By myself. 

I’d almost bought a plane ticket to Iceland because  I found a really good deal on plane tickets, but for some reason, every time I tried to go through with the transaction, the website wouldn’t let me. Plus Iceland was expensive, and was actually the ultimate fantasy destination for my dreams of travel, so maybe I should save it for last. There’s no place on earth that seems more magical to me. I’d probably get there, and then ask myself “Now what do I do?”

It had been a while since I chatted with my friend Gerwin. We met on Omegle back in July of 2012 when I was in California. I don’t think we even had any common interests, and he was one of the few people that I didn’t meet through videochat. Somehow, we ended up typing back and forth to each other for about 5 hours  and have become best friends ever since. 

At the time, he and I were in very similar situations. Neither of us had been in real relationships before, but there were people that we really liked who we both met online and who also lived very far away. At the time, my guy was in England, and his girl was in Indonesia. 

I thought I had it bad with just distance, but he had a longer distance to travel plus a religious barrier and a complete culture shock to deal with. For years, we’d comfort each other for our losses and congratulate each other on our gains. He was like my personal blog, who, if anyone ever read our conversations, would get to know every little thing about me because I never hid anything from him. It was easy to talk to him because he’d always be supportive and understanding, and never judgemental. 

I wanted to do something for Gerwin to show my appreciation for his friendship, so as something to help me with some graphic design practice, I illustrated a photo of him which inspired me to illustrate more photos of people and ask them what they thought was an important quality about being a true friend. I wanted to make a book called “The ABC’s of Friendship” which featured a different person for each letter. I couldn’t find the energy in myself to complete this project because at the time, a lot of people who volunteered weren’t even my friends. I could only complete a few of the illustrations, and then didn’t bother with the rest because my heart wasn’t in it. It wasn’t true friendship like what I had with Gerwin. 

Fast-forward about 5 years, and Gerwin has listened to me talk about everything and everyone almost every day consistently. I would never want to lose out on a friend like that. 

Recently, he’d been occupied with his new job and internship with Microsoft, and I was busy driving all the time, so we didn’t talk much anymore. Last time I talked to him, he was dealing with the stress and heartache of another girl he’d found on the internet. He was supposed to meet her around Christmas time, but plans fell through because she had gotten terribly ill and he was never to hear from her again. 

When I talked to him again on St. Paddy’s day, he said that he wasn’t having the greatest of days. He said he was feeling really depressed, lonely, heart-broken, and stressed from his job. He said he wasn’t feeling alive.

Maybe I wasn’t supposed to go to Iceland first, and that’s why I wasn’t able to buy tickets, but once I tried to buy a ticket to Amsterdam, I had no problems at all. Without even thinking at all, and not even 10 minutes after I had stopped talking to Gerwin, I purchased a plane ticket to go see him and meet him for the first time in real life so that I could show him a brighter side to life. 

I told him immediately after I had everything booked, and I forwarded my itinerary as proof that I was that crazy and that serious. I would go any distance to help a friend, and especially one who was so dear to me. In less than three weeks from now (March 31st) I’ll be there. 

This trip was actually the inspiration for me to write over 60 blog posts in 5 days going over the details of how I came to this moment. I wanted to write as much as possible about the people that have impacted me along the way and how far I have developed as a person because of them. Through the good and the bad, I have learned so much over the years, and met so many influential people. I am sure that meeting one of them is going to be an epic experience worth remembering, so I needed to catch up by writing as much as I could about other people who have influenced me. Now I’m all caught up, and it only took starvation and never leaving my room except to go to work. Now I can eat and get out of my bed for the first time all day at almost 6 PM.  

NEW ARTICLE UP!!!What Does It Mean to Be a Good Friend? by Melissa Varvaro Original illustration by Cassie Levy