#trimester

Why did nobody tell me about the 4th Trimester?

Why did nobody tell me how lonely and confused I would be?

The views and the vision I had in my head was not this.

It doesn’t help that we’re in a lockdown and we’re isolated!

I’m not angry at my baby but I feel resentment towards her dad because he can sleep, he can go out and do what he wants but me: I’m a mum now, I’m restricted and sleep deprived! Oh and my breast are leaking milk like crazy gosh I’ve only changed my top 3 times already for it to be wet again!

I’m supposed to be happy ain’t I ? I just brought life into the world ? Of course I’m happy , she’s so perfect but I’m confused.

Why did nobody tell me about the 4th trimester?

It’s all hit me like a TON OF BRICKS!

How am I supposed to maintain : myself, my baby and my relationship with her dad ? I feel pressured.

When can I come first again? When can I start looking normal again? I just wanna brush my hair and use the toilet in peace. In fact I want to shut the toilet door for a while with ear plugs in but unfortunately I can’t. Sometimes I feel like running away because the change is so big, this is a completely new life, nobody can prepare you for this. You literally have to experience this journey yourself. I hear my baby crying even when she’s sleeping. I run into the room and yes she is still sleeping!

A mother always puts their child first so I understood pretty quick that my feelings need to be put aside because my baby is only getting bigger and so are her demands!

My breast are getting smaller now though, why? Maybe because my baby’s on solids so she’s feeding less? Although when I first started breastfeeding they look like I had them done, so nice, big and firm. In fact I had enough milk in the beginning I was just expressing for the fun of it.

She’s going through nappies like there’s no tomorrow, I don’t know how many times more she will vomit so we need bibs and muslins on hand. I’ve been through enough wipes to fill a landfill site and she’s growing out her clothes so fast plus I’ve have to throw away some because we KNOW some stains just ain’t coming out. My clothes included !

There’s so much to be happy for though, I’m healthy, my baby is healthy and I’m so in love with her!

But my head, where is my head at?

How can I have her dad here with me but still feel lonely?

She’s so pure, so innocent and even when she’s crying she looks sweet.

Sometimes I cry when I look at her.

Life must be so different for her also, she’s been inside my womb for 9 months (37 weeks in my case) plus she’s been in darkness. So she’s adjusting as-well. It’s a learning process for us both and it comes with ups and downs.

This is MOTHERHOOD!

I started to look into the 4th trimester more. That’s when I realised it gets easier, this is only going to be temporary.

I had to make sure it wasn’t something more, I had to make sure I wasn’t alone, I had to make sure this is normal.

The fourth trimester is the 12-week period immediately after you have had your baby. Not everyone has heard of it, but every mother and their newborn baby will go through it.

It is a time of great physical and emotional change as your baby adjusts to being outside the womb, and you adjust to your new life as a mum.

Your friend is pregnant. Now what? Well, her life (and body) is about to change drastically. She's going to need a lot of love and support, and if you've never been pregnant, it can be hard to understand exactly how to do that. Which is why I'm here.

For starters, let me run you through some basic pregnancy facts that you'll need to know.

Pregnancies are approximately 9 months, or 40 weeks long. This wiggle room is due to the face that the length of pregnancy is calculated starting with the beginning of the last period, not the exact date of conception (obviously that's difficult). Also, due dates are approximations, not UPS delivery dates.

The entire pregnancy is divided up into “Trimesters”, each lasting approximately 3 months. A quick cheat sheet to the trimesters:

First Trimester: No baby bump, no gender, morning sickness, highest risk period for miscarriages

Second Trimester: A small baby bump (maybe), find out the gender, morning sickness ends (usually), can start to feel baby moving a little

Third Trimester: Big baby bump, easily worn out, baby moves a lot, Mom can't sleep well, heartburn.

We’ll just cover the first trimester in this post.

First Trimester Dos and Don'ts:

DON'T -

Share the big news with anyone without the express permission of the Mother. You could create a lot of drama and headache for her in the midst of some big changes. It's her news. Be courteous and considerate, even if you don't think it will cause a problem.

Start telling her horror stores about people losing their babies.

Ask if she's going to “keep it”. Whether you consider yourself pro-life or pro-choice, you don't know how she feels (she may change her mind after becoming pregnant). In any case, this can be a HIGHLY OFFENSIVE question.

Touch her belly. The placenta stays tucked down in the pelvis until about halfway through the pregnancy. You're not closer to the baby, you're caressing her lunch.

Start calling her “Mama” all the time. Becoming pregnant can shake your sense of identity, but she has a name, and this wonderful miracle growing inside her is a completely separate human being. She isn't Pregnant, she's a unique person who also happens to be pregnant.

Ask about the gender of the baby. She doesn't know yet.

Give advice on managing morning sickness unless you have experienced it for yourself. Morning sickness is not like normal nausea. You can simultaneously crave a meatball sub and feel like projectile vomiting. 

BONUS POINTS – If you had minor morning sickness (read: you weren't at least on the edge of being hospitalized for dehydration), do not try to give your remedies to a woman suffering from severe sickness, or hyperemesis gravidarum. All the saltines, sour candies, teas, and yoga in the world won't make a difference. It's just discouraging. 

Share any bad associations or disapproval you may have for a baby name she may be considering or have picked out. Just because it doesn't work in your head doesn't mean this baby shouldn't get a shot at creating their own identity with it. (Also, you'll majorly tick off Mom)

Push to hear what name she’s picked if she doesn’t want to share. It’s not your baby. Even if you’re related. Grandmothers, Aunts, Great-Grandmothers, Cousins, Best-Friends, Old Friends, Sisters, Moms... If you’re not pregnant, you don’t have the “right” to know anything.

DO - 

Ask how big baby is this week. Baby apps and books often help mothers keep track of baby size with fruits (blueberry, apple, squash, watermelon). She'll probably be happy to share how big her baby is now, and glad you care enough to know that!

Offer to help out around the house if she needs it. The first trimester brings a new kind of exhaustion that really knocks you off your feet and makes it difficult to keep up with stuff that was easy before pregnancy.

Keep smells to a minimum. The surging hormones can give women a superhuman sense of smell, which makes average smells seem overpowering and nauseating. It can also twist good smells to make seem rotten and repulsive. If you're going to visit, don't wear perfume. If she's  coming over to eat, consider the smell of food cooking and ask if it may bother her. Consider having a cold prep meal that may not be so aromatic. (Don't try to cover bad smells with Febreeze. That makes it worse.)

Be mindful of her demeanor. Blood volume increases by 50% with pregnancy, which can lead to pounding headaches, increased chance of fainting, and a greater chance of anemia. Combined with nausea, this can sometimes be so overwhelming that a pregnant woman can't even really voice what's happening. (I've sat on a couch and silently fainted without anyone noticing). Don't dote on her, just remember that her body is in the process of building another human, and it can have some weird side effects.

BONUS POINTS – Carry snacks around for her. One way to manage morning sickness is to snack frequently so you're never actually “hungry”. Hungry = Sick. If you know what she likes to snack on, even better, but if not, go for heavier, more filling foods like Ritz crackers, cheese, and nuts.