#figuringmyselfout

(this post is not about romance)

what originally started as another Saywer study session (a sequel to the last one) slowly became a celebration of joy and creativity!! ft me, and some other familiar faces :] 💛. February 14th is also my anniversary of joining my current really awesome school. i’ve grown so much since last year and i’m really thankful this school was a fantastic fit ^_^. happy 1 year to me! 🎉🥳

Feb 14 isn’t just a day about romance and chocolate treats, it’s about doing the things you love, like; playing your favorite game, practicing creativity, spending time with friends & fam, celebrating what means something to you, or enjoying your favorite food! the day started off rather rough for me, but gratitude journalling and watching the dog man movie for the 2nd time with my family lifted my spirits. life can be really turbulent and dark, but you are strong. and you are loved. 🫶

hope you had + have a wonderful day. if not, that’s ok too. give yourself time to rest. i love ya’ll!!

- wanderer

BOO i’m still here. uh. bonus!!! after finishing the page and being flabberghasted that the notebook was almost done, i went back to previous pages to reflect and appreciate :]. i wanted to do more but it was getting late lol. cheers to joy!!💛

Hi. Hello. Hey. Heylo. Hola. Heya. Hi!!!!! Heyyyyy.

First off, why do you always over think so much? Like seriously. It doesn’t matter if I use exclamations or multiple y’s. You don’t have to spend 5 minutes every time contemplating over this before you start any conversation.

And you don’t have to worry yourself sick thinking if you should text first or not. 

And I honestly don’t think that they think half as much as you do about not having responded to their text yet. There’s a reason you’re taking time. Maybe you're busy. Maybe you don't know what to say yet. It's okay. Take your time. But don’t use it all up to be so anxious.

I know people gloriously misunderstand what you say sometimes. They get mad. Hurt. Offended. Confused. Mostly confused. But they also get happy. Excited. Hopeful.

But no matter how much you think over it, they will feel what they feel.

Simple words can act as triggers for others. It’s not your problem or fault. They carry baggage. Just like you.

There’s a reason why the word ‘sorry’ exists. You can use it too, you know. You don’t always have to get things right the first time.

Let’s talk about baggage please. Why can’t you understand to organize? Why can’t you be a minimalist? Why are you still holding onto things from grade 2nd? Don’t you know you don’t need half the things you carry with you each day? They make you slower, they make you more cautious. They make you boring too.

They prohibit you from leaving your baggage and going out there and dancing. You’re so afraid someone will steal and someone will read all there is you are hiding and protecting so dearly.

But guess what? They don’t care.

They are dancing themselves.

Also Brain, can you please just use one voice at a time? Maybe discuss with the other voices up there before you decide to continuously yell. It’s very confusing, I can’t hear you well. Most days I don’t understand what you’re really trying to tell. You can take your time, discuss among yourselves and then reach a suitable conclusion before you decide to convey the message. I’ll be here. I have no where to go.

I’m done with the questions and suggestions for now. But I do have an apology to make.

I am sorry I know so little about you

I am sorry you always have to help me with everything

I am sorry I take you for granted

I am sorry I don’t let you sleep

I am sorry I can’t put a band aid on you

I am sorry for feeding you so much negativity

But most of all, I am sorry I only write about my heart

Sincerely, 

and what it means regarding dopamining, and living life to the fullest.

i am not a professional! this is my interpretation of feelings i (and most likely many others) have experienced.

the meaning in life

is defined by what you do

and how you move through

- me. just now ✌️☺️🤳📸

think of a time you had things to do. everyone has a time like that. in that time, you know you have things to do—but you’re distracted by something. perhaps by doomscrolling, or planning something with friends to avoid homework, or needing to tell someone something vital. they are hard situations…but why?

your body evaluates that you’d feel better once you’ve completed the goal you have to do. whether it be by going outside, finishing that assignment, or talking to that someone. however, doing it would have you leave the established comfort you’re enveloped in now. you don’t want to change your situation because you’re comfortable, so you continue to recline. maybe you try to ignore the thought by busying yourself further, but it never works.

you are now conscious that you are wasting your time. everything becomes stressful. just one more video. just one more game. just one more minute. you’ve connected with your body, listened to its needs, but put them off. declining the offer for the sake of reclining with just one more video, game, or minute. the constant dopamine surge of your comfortable situation makes it hard to leave, and you try to reinforce that. you know you’ll be happier with the task done, but you try to make up for that ‘lost gratification’ in your current situation. you could be happier, but you don’t want to make a change that would alter your situation. so you bury yourself deeper with meaningless work all to try and find meaning.

this is procrastination.

it’s a spiral of meaningless longevity that can last for hours. and once one is conscious of it, it turns your moments of forced dopamine into a bad time filled with only regret and misery.

“you could be doing something more fulfulling.” says your body. your body knows your needs better than you do sometimes, so why not listen to it?

we humans fear change. we humans like when we know where we are in life, and knowing that it’s comfortable. knowing that it’s safe. who knows what could happen while you do that task? you’ll have to sit up, actually move again, and paramountly, actually stress about something. you’ve have to use energy you don’t think you have, or could reserve for something else. you can watch or play some more with that energy instead, so why not?

change has to happen. especially when it’s for the better.

your body is telling the truth when it says you’ll be happier after you finish that task.

while you try to finish that task, you’ll be doing something different. this is understandably scary! but you’re listening to yourself instead of suppressing your wishes and bottling your feelings.

this time-wasting activity you’re so caught up in is so addictive because it involves instant dopamine. your brain wants more, so you keep giving energy into an activity that, as a bonus, helps you forget the world and your problems alongside it.

the task you need to do is a transitional period to dopamine. it’s an effortful wait that feels unbearable at first glance because you’re so enveloped in the dopamine-generating-machine (dopamining??). but this dopamine is so much more fulfilling that anything you can gather while scrounging deeper into that activity you’re desperate to keep going.

this is gratification.

gratification comes as personal celebration after you’ve completed something. it comes with the dopamine generation, yes, but it’s so much powerful when you’ve worked for it (so it’ll be used as a term in that work-for-it sense). gratification is your body being relieved of pressure and burden because of the effort you’ve put in to better your situation. you feel safer now, less anxious, and more free. you have one less to-do on your list, and that deserves to be celebrated. more will always come, but why not stop for a moment?

this task has stressed you out to the point of desperately avoiding it with meaningless activities. but it’s done now. it’s completed, and it’s all thanks to you. the effort you put into this task could have been any level of difficult, but you did it. whether the task be big or small, you did it. if you had to do it in parts, that’s ok. taking a break between work lets you refocus your thoughts and reflect on what you’ve done, which also summons gratification. you’re working! you’re in the zone! maybe the confetti can wait until after it’s completley done, but you deserve a snack and a brain break (or so).

you feel so great doing something so much better for your stress levels. you’re living life fuller than you did before. before you were suffering by your own hand…but why?

it didn’t have to be like this.

procrastination is caused by being rewarded for not getting things done. dopamining at it’s peak. it’s self-induced, because only you control it. and you have the capacity for changing your situation. here’s how:

this is initiative.

taking initiative is being proactive about your situation. you take opportunities as they come to better your situation; you notice when you’re uncomfortable, reflect, and make a change. sometimes keeping in touch with your body is hard because of the face-paced nature of dopamining and procrastination, but your body will never stop reaching out. this is why when you take a break, you realize how hungry or etc you are. take a moment after a video, game match, or something of the like finishes. breathe. take a moment to remember and reevaluate yourself. how long has it been? what do you need to get done? why would you rather avoid it? and even, how can you make it easier?

taking initiative is listening to yourself when you start to feel uncomfortable. track the feeling, and understand where it’s coming from instead of pushing it away. assess your situation. what is easy, and what would make you happier? think twice—dopamining is a habit that’s hard to break.

taking initiative is taking a deep breath, getting up, and looking at your task. examining the difficulty and breaking it up into parts if necessary. maybe you need music/ambience if it’s monotonous, but try not to make that too distracting. get a snack and water (etc) if you feel fatigued or discomforted. examine the big picture in steps, and reward yourself when you’re finished.

breaking out of a dopamining session means a lot. you remember your body and ergo what you need. it might take some time to develop the habit of checking in on yourself, but it is possible. you are not lazy. you are not a time-waster. you can live life to the fullest when you chase the proper gratification.

when you break out of dopamining, even just a session of it, potential opens up. even before you finish your task, you recognize what you can do. you could go on a walk, draw, write, read, organize, explore some music, do some more chores if you’re in the zone, and so much more. and then when you finish that task that feels so daunting, the gratification feels earned. it feels different. it feels personal. you just did something that mattered more. and steps like that build persistence, self-awareness, and proactivity. steps like that make life fuller.

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helpful articles that make points i don’t + stand strong at the possibility i make a mistake in this post!