#figuring things out

Hm. Well this has been a new identity found through therapy. Things have officially started making sense 😭.

The jokes lowkey write themselves because why'd my therapist suggest it with 7 days left in pride month LOLLLLL GOODBYEEEJEJWKWKKW.

I had never really brought up dating in therapy (mostly because i never have dated anyone, but I've been out on a few dates...nothing really got me to stick around though) but after talking the other day about how i limit myself in daily life or place rules and regulations on my own life, she asked me just as an example on if i had any around dating and well.... 😭

i always thought my way of attraction and pursual was just me being extremely picky, ridiculous high standards, not being interested (the whole it'll come eventually! Waiting for the right person! It'll happen whenever! Vibe)...etc. come to find out...bestie there's a term for needing extreme emotional connection first with someone 😭. I came across the term Demisexual when i was like 12 or 13, and i remember be like "hmm that sounds like me!!" But then just moving on.

13 years later this is my first time hearing someone else know of the term that isn't chronically online like i am and it shook me to my core can't lie.

It honestly feels like i can take a deep breath now. Dating has been extremely shaky for me because i have never just been attracted to or seen someone as attractive off rip- i always needed to be friends first (which im learning adults??? Don't really do???) and i always thought something was wrong with me or i was just "slow" to the game. People want to move a mile a minute and it's a hugeeeeee stop sign for me altogether. I don't even feel attracted to someone until i know them for awhile and have never really been the type to feel attracted to the physical. I have like zero "specifications" or ideas of what my type is besides....a man...and him being Black. That's all i got LMAOOO.

Yet the few crushes I've had throughout my life were always people I'd known for 3-5, and once 10+ years first. We had classes together since elementary school...or we had classes together every year of high school. I didn't like anyone in college....mostly because it was too hard to always see the same people. (Went to a university of 30,000 lmao) i got really comfy seeing and talking to him all the time and thus the attraction jumped out. Mind you i just thought like oh it just takes me a second but girl 6 years? Plssssss 😭.

All this rambling to say...i feel good about (potentially???? Surely???) being demi. It feels really nice to know there are other people who think like i do- cause i had no clue there were levels. If you ask me if im asexual id probably say.....no.....? LMAOOOSJAJWJ but the fact that its a shaky no is kinda a tell. I know sexuality isn't a one size fits all have to fit into this label moment, so im not going to start yelling from the rooftops or anything, but...hearing my therapist basically validate after 3 years of seeing her something i haven't thought about since i was 12 was wild. I always wondered why i never really partook in the dating or sexual topic conversations with friends or "ooo girl he's so fine!" And I'd look and just be like... "sure!" (I just thought we didn't really have the same tastes- which, valid, but then looking into my minds eye and realizing NO one has been attractive or gotten my attention that way....ever...? Oh! Hehe haha!)

I forgot to mention when i started talking to a friend and telling her my therapist was talking about sexuality with me she goes "oh did you realize you were demisexual?" WITHOUT ME MENTIONING IT I-

Wow.