#feeling loopy

Dude. I want one pancake and one French toast. Not 3 pancakes and 2 to 4 French toasts.

Half baked dreams dance in my head

The thoughts and worries of today are washing away

I don't remember who I love

I don't know who my friends are

And I'm too exhausted to think about it

1) Therapy has been transformative. I am so so happy I chose to pursue going back to regular counseling.  What a relief to have someone help me navigate sobriety and life and past trauma.  What a joy to know that living in this world doesn’t mean having to figure everything out on your own.  Help is available.  Help works.

2) I AM OFFICIALLY ON SUMMER BREAK PRAISE THE GOOD LORD IT IS HERE 

3) Work has been a pile of bullshit lately and I am beyond grateful that I only have three days of report card writing/cleaning til it’s truly over

4) K and I had the best day today.  She’s such a wonderful friend and I am so happy to know her and be in her life. Walking around the mall with her with a Starbucks frappucino and gossiping about boys makes me feel like I’m a teenager again, only in a fun way

5) I invested in two new bras (that actually fit me instead of being cheap TJ Max ones) and two new pairs of pants.  Seeing my boobs and butt in items that actually fit me, makes me so much more appreciative of how great my body looks.  It’s amazing the huge shift in body-feelings that happens simply from wearing clothes that fit correctly.  I say this as a larger-sized woman and one who has never met a taco I didn’t take.  It’s nice to just wear what actually fits instead of forcing myself into uncomfortably-tight or super-loose clothes, in some weird effort to be a different size than I am.

6) I spent way too much money this weekend (see: clothes shopping) but it was all on things I needed so whatevs

7) Doing step work with my sponsor each week is hard but refreshing and I genuinely enjoy it.

8) M came and helped me move some new furniture in and oooooooohhhhhh boy I have caught the feels.  It’s bad.  It’s real bad

9) Trying hard to resist my impulse to just ask him out, which would be a bad idea on many fronts, but also.  I am an adult.  I want to spend time with him.  Saying so seems like the easiest and most sensible option

10) Also, now that I have bras and pants that fit and all parts of me are looking their best, it’s like, I want someone else to get in here and appreciate that

11) “I think you’re the right man to appreciate my breasts” would probably get me a date real quick but that’s not my style

Been tagged by a lot of random people and I’m taking a brief break from writing and totally being smart about not going to sleep yet with my 5:00 AM schedule starting tomorrow...

Anyway.

THE LAST:

1. Drink: Green tea.

2. Phone call: My therapist.

3. Text: A person who honestly shouldn’t be texting me.

4. Song you listened to: Too many songs to list here. I’ve created a playlist for NaNoWriMo that’s almost one hundred songs in length, so... that monster track. Instrumental, EDM, J-pop (usually theme songs from anime shows), classical, random remixes, film/game/television show tracks...

5. Time you cried: Today. Whoops.

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: Yes.

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Um. Somewhat.

8. Been cheated on: Yep.

9. Lost someone special: Everyone has.

10. Been depressed: Hasn’t everyone at some point...? Some worse than others, of course, but this is a pretty standard question.

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Never.

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12-14: Navy blue, indigo, teal, burgundy, silver, coral. (Changes frequently).

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: I’ve made friendships this past year that have changed my life. Very humbled and kind of flabbergasted about it. Blows my mind.

16. Fallen out of love: Yes. 

17. Laughed until you cried: Not that I can remember, no.

18. Found out someone was talking about you: Sure.

19. Met somebody who changed you: Yes.

20. Found out who your friends are: Um?

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Haha, well, they’re not that list anymore, exactly.

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: I dunno, some of them?

23. Do you have any pets: My siblings have a dog and two cats. I have none. But I like those pets when I see them, most of the time.

24. Do you want to change your name: Nah.

25: What did you do for your last birthday: Maybe something mildly interesting? Can’t remember.

26. What time did you wake up: 5:00 AM.

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Talking to a friend on the phone, polishing up writing, then trying to sleep unsuccessfully.

28. Name something you cant wait for: I’m going to my first concert ever on the 25th and I could not be more excited and amazed. I honestly can’t even wrap my head around it still...

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: Huh...

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: Not sure if I’m in the mood to answer this rather loaded question. You take what you have, you learn from what happens, and you progress further into life with a mindset that’s open to changing, growing and developing from these occurrences. That’s how I’ll answer this, I guess.

31: What are you listening to right now: My NaNoWriMo playlist. But this song, specifically.

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Nah.

33. Some thing that is getting on your nerves: Selfish assholes hurting the few people who I hold close and dear. Fuck ‘em.

34: Most visited website: YouTube, HubSpot, Tumblr, AO3...

35. mole/s: *Blinks*

36: mark/s: I have a small birthmark on the bridge of my nose, scars and callouses, bare/raw spots of skin on my knuckles and thumbs, and freckles.

37: Childhood dream: Novelist, movie critic, traveling journalist, paleontologist, marine biologist, architect, graphic designer, painter, artist, screenwriter, editor, film director, cinematographer...

38: Hair color: Auburn. Reddish-brown. Whatever.

39: long or short hair: Long.

40: Do u have a crush on anyone: Nope. It happens once in a blue moon. Like, the bluest fucking moon.

41: What do you like about yourself?: Hahahaha--

42. Piercings: Nope. Not even ear piercings.

43. Blood type: I don’t remember, but this is probably something I should know...

44. Nickname: Squeakums, Dani, Buttons, Tay, Scottish Goblin (by me, :P) and Freckles.

45. Relationship status: Single! 

46. Zodiac: Uh... Gemini Sun, Leo Moon?

47. Pronouns: She | Her.

48: Favorite tv shows: Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones, Hunter x Hunter, Westworld, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood...

50. Right or left hand: I have both, thanks.

51. Surgery: Hm. Ask me another time.

52. Hair dyed in a different color: Nah. You went from asking about surgery to hair color? 

53: Sport: Tennis, crossfit, distance running, and yoga.

55. Vacation: Last amazing “vacation” was when I left the country to go to Europe. Was a worthwhile experience I’ll never forget. I want to go back.

56: Pair of trainers: Nike, yo. Wear them pretty much every day.

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: Nothing. Sometimes I forget. Ugh.

58. Drinking: Water.

59. I’m about to: Finish editing and hopefully sleep.

61: Waiting for: ...

62: Want: So. Many. Things. Wish I could actually summarize everything coherently onto one post, but... that would take way too long. 

63. Get married: Nah. I’m content.

64. Career: Too many dream careers to count, but I’m very lucky at the moment. Copywriting and content writing is the main thing at the moment.

WHICH IS BETTER:

65. Hugs or kisses: Neither? If you hug me, man, we must be inseparable friends who’ve known each other for at least two years. And if you’re kissing me, I would hope that we’re dating. If not, get the hell away, ya weirdo. I have no preference for either. I tolerate hugs from my best friends only, pretty much.

66. Lips or eyes: Eyes. Definitely. Probably the most intimate and naturally beautiful aspect of any human, in my opinion. 

67. Shorter or taller: Taller. 

68. Older or younger: Same age or a couple years older.

70. nice arms or nice stomach: I’m shallow, I guess, and too picky for my own good... athleticism is nice. But, no one should care unless it’s a health hazard. 

71: sensitive or loud: Both and neither?

72. Hook up or relationship: Relationship or nothing at all. Honestly doesn’t cross my mind unless I form some kind of attachment and general platonic understanding/relationship with the person first. Hookups have never been of interest, and never will be.

73. troublemaker or hesitant: Oh I’m such a rebel. *Turns up the volume on TV to just over twelve notches.* See? I’m being a rowdy neighbor. (... I’m turbulent as fuck, okay?)

HAVE YOU EVER:

74: Kissed a stranger: Nope. Strangers have tried to kiss me, though. Was not pleasant.

75. Lost glasses / contact lens: Nope.

76. Turned someone down: Not that I know of.

78. Sex on the first date: No.

79. Had your heart broken: Absolutely.

80. Broken someone’s heart: Yes.

81. Been arrested: Nope.

82. Cried when someone died: One time.

83. fallen for a friend: I’ve only fallen for my friends. Both relationships I’ve had started as friendships. This makes it better and so much worse at the same time.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. yourself: If I said yes, I’d be lying. It’s a process.

85. Miracles: No.

86. Love at first sight: Nope. 

87. Santa Claus: No.

OTHER:

90. current best friend name: Not gonna disclose that here.

91. Eye color: Brown.