#fatui harbinger

“Thats it?” You asked him incredulously

“Yes, that is all.” He says as he picks up broken glass shards off the floor.

You are confused, first and foremost. That is the truth.

you feel, off. Like you were supposed to feel something else—unsatisfied, maybe.

You also know that, this doesn’t affect anything. It shouldn’t and is not, a big deal.

Two things can exist, and be right at the same time.

The doctor then puts the glass shards in a trash bag.

It was weird.

“You can stop staring and start helping with the mess too, you know?” He added, filling the silence.

It was typical of him to boss you around.

Sometimes, the sound of his voice would grate your ears from the sheer audacity it had. In those times, you find yourself wondering… what if you didn’t comply to his orders?

But that was another thought for next time.

Because that was not the thing that bothered you.

He sounded… awkward. Maybe not the right term, but it isnt grating. If anything, it sounded like a suggestion. Which could be considered a good habit for him to keep…

If it weren’t for the slight melancholy you caught in his voice.

“Are we going to avoid—“

“We aren’t avoiding anything.”

He stops you there. Not wanting to talk about the mess in his lab, the glass shards that broke simultaneously, the blood dripping from his skin…

…his clones strewn upon the floor.

You decided to help him, yet that didn’t stop you from trying to start this conversation. Because you knew for a fact that this wasn’t just nothing. Even if he says otherwise.

“You should’ve worn gloves before throwing those glass shards.”

You started to speak as you went towards one of the clones. This one was holding papers, that were now strewn across the floor. Those were probably documents that were for the Tsaritsa.

His face seemed scrunched, annoyed. You picked up the papers that weren’t soaked by the blood from this clone’s head, and placed it in a nearby table. You thought that maybe by helping him finish his duty, it would do him a favor… somehow.

“It was an… abrupt change. I had to take care of it as soon as I came back.”

As you hear his answer, you went towards another clone. This one was nearby the vials and glass shards. He was probably in the middle of an experiment.

You see his face up close and… his eyes were open, afraid even. You wonder if these clones feared their death, or maybe the experiment being unfinished. Your hands slowly hovered his eyes to close them… and gently wipe away some tears.

“Do you… treat life so carelessly?”

You finally asked him. Your breaths are a bit uneven, but your voice still manages to hold itself still.

“Quite the contrary… I find life interesting. You cant get results when most of your test subjects are dead.”

He says matter-of-factly, however you weren’t having it.

“Of course, ‘most’ being the keyword… death is sometimes crucial to understanding, or rather, getting the results you need.”

When he finishes his statement you couldn’t think of anything to say. I mean, what answer do you expect from him? Of course this was Dottore. This was typical of him to do.

But again, is that really the case here? You still can’t help but feel like he isn’t saying something else… you just can’t put a pin in it…

Two things can exist, and be right at the same time.

“Is that why you killed all your segments?”

He was done picking up the shards on the ground, and so he stared at you.

“Of course.”

Before reacting to his dismissive remark, he continued.

“After all, I could always make more. Albeit in a smaller scale… time is not on our side, after all. So is the budget for something so complex.”

Again, you still cant help but feel frustrated by his explanation. Maybe this was normal for him, a minor set back… but…

“You cant— you cant seriously be so fine with killing yourself… right???”

You exclaimed, maybe a bit panicked… or angry… you don’t know. Your heart is just pounding off your chest, and you cant articulate some of whats going on in your mind right now. You have so many things you want to say, to ask… but right now, that frustration is making it hard to talk properly.

“What…?”

The doctor can only mutter confusingly. You swear that you could’ve seen his head tilt ever so slightly too. It would’ve been comical if it weren’t for the current situation.

“You… you cant just say all that… and look at your own dead body on the ground… and act as if that doesnt affect you— right??? Am I crazy for that??”

You exhaled some of those words out your mouth, as if you felt exhausted from just asking.

“Should it affect me?” He starts to ask.

“I think so??? I mean, you may be the second harbinger and all, or maybe you’ve seen lots of dead things—”

you muttered to yourself. Already, you’re starting to think it’s probably stupid for thinking about it, but you know you have to be getting somewhere with this.

“—but youre still human, right?? Surely you’re at least uncomfortable with what happened, right?? You can’t tell me that you didn’t have second thoughts in that moment.”

Dottore chuckled at this. Out right laughs at this question of yours.

“This conversation is a bit… dramatic. Yes, I had second thoughts if my segments’ whining counted.”

You… dont know what else to say. What point was it leading to. What to feel. Because every time you ask him about it, it feels so… below him. Should it really matter if he’s unaffected? Are you really just dramatic? Looking for meaning when nothing is there?

After all, some of the segments didnt care if they were being deleted, but some of the segments were afraid. But if most of them are him… then should it matter?? He wasn’t hurting anyone this time, so what has his sin this time?

You shook your head. You know better than to be trapped in your thoughts.

You kept overthinking about it, when you remember why you felt off. Why you felt why this didn’t feel right.

Dottore agreed to delete his segments, because an archon deemed it an equal exchange for a gnosis. He thinks it’s a compliment, yet a part of you thinks that it’s unfair. Because from the way you see it, the archons treat it like a bargaining chip. Something to gain, something to lose.

To put a price on life feels… awful.

Yet, you didnt say anything else. After all, this was going to be the busiest time for him.

Of course, that small conversation you had was such a long time ago. Everyone in Nodkrai had been celebrating after everything.

Of course, for you…. You’d have to move into a different station. Perhaps Sandrone’s station once she gets fixed.

You didn’t know what to feel when you heard them defeat the doctor. Most of them cheered when their moon goddess came back and saved Nodkrai, and you couldn’t blame them for that.

What surprised you however, was your comrades. The fatui and most of the harbingers.

They too, cheered for the doctor’s downfall.

Truly, you shouldn’t be surprised. Yet you couldn’t help but feel a bit bitter.

When he has done everything for the tsaritsa… why wasnt he grieved? What was so different about him that it made him the exception to human empathy? When other harbingers were feared for reasons that are on par with the doctor?

Perhaps no one will grieve a mad man, perhaps his achievements will be buried by the transgressions he dared to commit, perhaps no one will remember the name: Zandik.

And so you do.