#fast 9

Without further ado, here is my FF franchise take:

The Fast and the Furious premiered in 2001. The film starred Paul Walker as Brian O’Connor, an undercover cop who is tasked with infiltrating a gang of petty criminals led by Dominic Toretto, played by Vin Diesel, and his girlfriend, Letty Ortiz, played by Michelle Rodriguez . Toretto and his crew run illegal street-races and periodically hi-jack semi trucks and sell the stolen goods, most notably portable DVD players (this is 2001, after all).

Over the course of the film, Brian and Dominic form a close bond and come to regard one another as brothers. Brian attempts to set the LAPD on a rival gang of Vietnamese street racers run by Johnny Tran, in the hopes that Toretto can avoid jail time, but is ultimately forced to turn Dom and the others in. His actions result in a member of Dom’s gang, a young mechanic named Jesse, being shot and killed by Tran, shattering the bond of brotherhood forever. The film culminates in a quarter mile street race that ends with Dom crashing his car, but Brian hands over the keys to his own vehicle and allows his former friend to escape. It’s a great flick, basically Point Break with a better ending.

In 2003, prompted by the success of the first film, a sequel titled 2 Fast 2 Furious was released, again starring Paul Walker. Vin Diesel was noticeably absent from the film.

Remember that because it will be important later.

This film introduced Tyrese Gibson to the franchise, playing the part of Roman Pearce, the estranged childhood friend of Brian, who harbors animosity toward the man because of Brian’s failure to prevent Roman’s arrest in the past. It is also the first appearance of Ludacris in his role as Tej Parker, a racing organizer who puts together high stakes competitions. He is also canonically married to Devon Aoki, which everyone expects me to forget but I REFUSE. I will never forget. He will spend the rest of the franchise running around on her, and one day god will punish him for it.

Anyways.

This is probably my favorite film in the franchise, even though it is objectively pretty hokey, and the writing is nowhere near the level of the first film. But the chemistry between Tyrese Gibson and Paul Walker is ELECTRIC. They spend most of the movie glistening with sweat under the Miami sun, faces so close together during their arguments they could lick the other one’s lips. They have a fight upon their first meeting that devolves into the two of them moaning and grunting in the sand while they scissor each other. The lovingly framed shots of Tyrese Gibson’s perfect 2003 titties ALONE are…. Well, I do go on. The film is essentially a loose rehash of the same dynamics of the first film, but with 7000 times the sexual tension. It is also a commercial success, though reviews at the time were very negative since no one in 2003 understood homoerotic art. The soundtrack also slaps.

This brings us to film number three, the 2006 movie The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. This time, both Paul Walker and Vin Diesel turn down the offer to star in the film. The lack of star power behind the film means that this flick was almost released as a straight-to-video flop, but Diesel agreed to appear in a post-credits scene, in exchange for being given the rights to the Riddick franchise. Jot this down because it will also be important later.

This flick is a real slog. It stars Lucas Black as Sean Boswell, as a white boy in Japan who becomes a street racer and, through his magical cornfed American farm boy powers, eventually becomes better than all the Japanese street racers. None of the relationships are believable, and even the punk rock nature of the guerilla film making (much of the scenes in Tokyo were shot illegally because they did not have the budget or time to obtain permits) isn’t enough to save it. There is one interesting character, Han Lue, who is Sean’s drifting teacher until his untimely death midway through the film.

The movie is a modest commercial success, and fans responded very positively to the Diesel cameo, so despite the lackluster critical response, the studio goes ahead with a fourth installment in 2009, titled Fast & Furious. This film would see Walker and Diesel return to the franchise, along with Michelle Rodriguez and Jordana Brewster, reprising their roles as the respective love interests of the male leads in the first film. It also features Sung Kang returning as Han Lue. In order to cash in on the character’s popularity, the studio decides that Tokyo Drift takes place in the future of the franchise, a decision that becomes funnier the further away we get from 2006.

There are few movies I hate as much as Fast & Furious. It completely shits all over the established characterization of the first film. Brian and Dom reunite after the murder of Letty, and set aside their prior issues with very little fanfare. Dom agrees to help Brian crack down on a heroin smuggling operation run by drug lord Arturo Braga, in exchange for Brian’s help as an FBI agent in catching Letty’s killer. The Dom of the first film would never set aside his principles like that to work with the law, especially not a cop that betrayed him and got one of his chosen family killed. Where is Roman you ask? What about the end of 2 Fast 2 Furious, where Brian and Roman walk hand in hand into the sunset to live out their days together as lovers petty criminals? Since homophobia is alive and well, all that has been cast by the wayside. The newly heterosexual Brian and his buddy Dom avenge Letty, catch the heroin smugglers, and then go on the run together after staging a prison break for Dom.

This film absolutely smashes at the box office, though it is once again critically panned, and that of course incentivizes a fifth movie. The studio greenlights production, and in 2011 we are treated to Fast Five.

Now, there’s a few important things about this film. The first is that it is, quite frustratingly, a very fun little heist movie. After busting Dom out of a prison transport bus, the crew, newly relocated to Rio de Janeiro, goes back to their hi-jacking ways. This leads them to cross paths with the drug kingpin, Hernan Reyes, and they plan a heist to steal a computer chip that contains the details of his entire criminal empire. They get all the fan favorites from prior films, and is a fun romp overall. It just only makes sense if you’ve seen Fast & Furious, the worst movie of all time, so that feels like a slap in the face.

The second is that they completely disrespect Tyrese Gibson as an actor, and reduce Roman Pearce to the punchline of everyone’s jokes. In the character’s first appearance he was funny and charismatic, and occasionally the butt of Brian’s jokes, but he got his own in as well. His humor with an edge to it, a kind of feral, unpredictable streak that would see him switch from congenial to violent at a moment’s notice. It was mesmerizing to watch. So why the shift? Well, Roman was written as a substitute for Dom, and now that Vin Diesel is back, we can’t have them competing for Brian’s attention. The chemistry Gibson and Walker shared is tossed aside without a care in favor of prioritizing the now unbelievable and wooden dynamic with Diesel. Absolute travesty.

The third thing, and the most important, is that this film establishes a pattern for the series that continues to this day. This pattern is one half of why I think my theory holds water. The other half comes down to the personage of one Vin Diesel himself. But we will get to that.

Oh yeah, this film also introduces Dwayne Johnson as DEA Agent Hobbs, a role he will reprise in most of the subsequent films. That is amusing, but only slightly relevant to where I think the series is heading.

Fast Five wraps up after several long car chases, one of which involves pulling a bank vault out of the bank wall by chaining it to a series of cars. Reyes is foiled, and the team neatly dodges DEA Agent Hobbs and gets off scott free with the cash. The team splits up the cash and goes their separate ways, with a mid-credits scene that hints at Letty still being alive. Gasp!

This flick does absolute gangbusters at the box office, and the critics like it too, so the studio starts productions on another film almost immediately. In 2013, Fast & Furious 6 premieres.

The sixth film shows all the characters retired from their life of crime, living in the lap of luxury. Dom has replaced Letty with a sexy lady police officer from the prior film, Brian and Mia have popped out a kid, and all is well until the crew gets pulled in for One! Last! Job! DEA Agent Hobbs tracks down Dom, and convinces him to help catch international criminal and mercenary leader Owen Shaw, played by Luke Evans. He uses the surveillance footage of Letty to convince Dom to help, and convinces him to pull everyone else out of retirement as well. Hobbs refers to them as Dom’s “family” which is crazy because of how much he hated them all just one movie ago. But now he is onboard with the constant chants of family, family, family? That’s just the power of Toretto, baby! Fuck character development, family conquers all!

The crew helps track down Shaw, who has stolen and is attempting to sell an EMP weapon called “Nightshade” on the black market. This mission once again involves a computer chip, and over the course of tracking down Shaw, they find out HE was really the mastermind behind the events of the fourth film. He funded Braga’s entire operation! By stealing from Braga, they really were stealing from Shaw! Through a series of convoluted and boring events, Shaw is captured, Letty rejoins Dom (Elena gracefully steps aside because she’s cool like that), Gal Gadot’s character is killed and no one cares because she is a terrible actress, Dom drives a Dodge Charger out of an exploding plane, and everyone gathers around the table as family to share a meal. In the middle of the credits, we see Han explode in a car crash in Tokyo, because it’s finally 2006 again. Dom receives a threatening phone call from an unseen figure, presumably the one who orchestrated the crash.

The tragic death of Paul Walker delays the release of the seventh installment, which began shooting the same year the sixth film released. But by 2015, Furious 7 hits theaters. This film introduces Jason Statham as Deckard Shaw, the older brother of the previous Shaw, who is now comatose. The plot of this one is all about a super powerful computer chip that can track anyone using anything on a digital network, and the crew helps the covert ops leader Mr. Nobody (played by Kurt Russell) track down the chip in exchange for revenge on Deckard Shaw for presumably killing Han. The computer chip is once again being transported in a car, because of course it is.

Notable moments are when Dom drives his Charger onto a helicopter to deposit a bag of grenades, which Hobbs then shoots (DEA Agent Hobbs is a full-fledged part of the criminal gang at this point) and the truly unbelievable scene where a car is jumped through a series of three sky scrapers. Oh, and we can’t forget the car parachutes! Once again, we end on a beach eating family dinner, driving away into the sunset. There is a tribute to Paul Walker set to Charlie Puth’s “See You Again” which is as corny as it is moving. I am not ashamed to say I got a little choked up. I’m only human.

In 2017, we get movie eight: The Fate of the Furious. Once again Toretto and the gang are pulled from peaceful retirement for yet another One! Last! Job! This one goes wrong though, as cyberterrorist Cipher, portrayed by Charlize Theron, has blackmailed Dom into helping her by holding his ex-lover Elena (remember her?) and Dom’s secret son hostage. Hobbs and the rest of the crew are unaware, and must fight against their beloved leader. It is revealed that Cipher is the TRUE mastermind behind the events of the fifth film, as it was she who hired Owen Shaw to steal Nightshade and the computer chip. She is getting revenge on Dom and his family for foiling her plans by blackmailing Dom into stealing a nuclear football for her, so she can start a nuclear war and profiteer off that. Somehow.

The crew blows up a submarine, saves Dom’s son, Hobbs grabs a missile while skating across ice and redirects it with his bare hands, Hobbs retires from the DEA which neatly resolves any remaining conflict he might have with being a career criminal, and Deckard Shaw is accepted into the family. Big dinner. Roll credits. On to the next one.

Have you caught on to the pattern yet? We have a few more movies to go, so if you haven’t you will.

In 2021, F9 hits theaters, the real balm we needed during this pandemic if you ask me. This film introduces John Cena as Dom’s estranged brother, Jakob, because what this franchise needs is more meaty pro-wrestlers (I mean this sincerely). This time the crew’s One! Last! Job! Involves tracking down Cipher, who was abducted by a mysterious organization who has blown up Mr. Nobody, and is somehow connected to Jakob, who leads his own band of criminals. It turns out he and his crew have been hired to steal yet ANOTHER computer chip, one that can instantly hack into any computer. His crew his being financed by a man named Otto, who is revealed as the TRUE mastermind of the prior film, manipulating Cipher behind the scenes as a mere pawn in his own evil scheme. Han has been alive this whole time protecting the computer chip’s secrets, they take a rocket car to space, and Dom reconciles with his brother. Roll credits. Oh yeah, Helen Mirren was in this one for a few seconds.

Now we come to the most recent installment in the franchise, Fast X, released back in 2023. This is where it gets real juicy. Cipher interrupts the crew’s peace and prosperity for One! Last! Job! It turns out that the son of Hernan Reyes (you remember, the drug kingpin from five movies ago?), one Dante Reyes, is out for revenge. Jason Momoa plays Dante, in what I unironically think is the role of a lifetime. At this point it is SO clear that no one in the franchise gives a single solitary fuck about anything happening, Jason is the only one behaving like a professional. The apathy of the cast is relevant to my theory, by the by, at least in part.

Dante has been scheming the past 10 years. It turns out, Otto was just a part of HIS revenge plan, and he puppeted him into manipulating Cipher, the same way Cipher manipulated Shaw the Younger, the same way Shaw manipulated Braga… you get it now, yes? Plots in plots in plots. The team must steal yet another all-powerful computer chip, Letty and Cipher are sent to a top secret black site in Antarctica where their wounds are repaired by robot arms and lasers, and eventually are rescued by Gal Gadot who is alive! Gasp! And driving a submarine! The movie ends with Dom and his son, Brian, trying to outrace an exploding dam triggered by Dante.

The eleventh and final film is slated for release in 2027. And I know how it will end. But to make my case, I have to now talk about Vin Diesel.

You might not know this, but Mr. Diesel is something of an auteur. Whatever else you might think of him and his work, he cares about the things he makes and how they get made. At 23 he wrote, directed, and starred in his own a short film, Multi-Facial, which he would walk around and hand out VHS copies of to anyone who he could convince to take one, including, apparently, Morgan Freeman link. This short film was screened at the Cannes Film Festival in 1995, and it is how he landed a small part in Saving Private Ryan, which marked the beginning of his career in Hollywood proper.

Remember how I said his refusal to return for the second film was important? Vin Diesel has gone on record for his general disdain for sequels, and especially for the script he was shown for 2 Fast 2 Furious link. He felt that the cash grab was hack, that the script was hollow, and he chose to pursue things he felt passionately about. Stories that he felt mattered. When he was again offered a role in a FF sequel, what did he say? Give me the rights to Riddick, and I’ll be in the post credits link. Plenty of fans speculate that he only makes the FF franchise films to secure the means to fund Riddick, and while they may be part of it, I hold that there is more to it.

You recall the pattern of the previous movies, yes? Every film’s mastermind is found to only be a pawn in the scheme of the TRUE mastermind of a subsequent film. The dead are brought back to life. Computer chips rule the world, cars can jump through buildings, parachute out of planes, fight helicopters, and go to space. Every installment is what? One! Last! Job! The Toretto gang has gone from a crew of scrappy street racers pawning stolen DVD players to internationally covert ops wanted by every major government agency and criminal group in the world. The world of FF has become everything that Diesel despises about the film industry, and it’s been ten years since the last Riddick film, so what gives?

That’s because Fast 11 is going to be his masterpiece. The ultimate gotcha for the film industry and the fans who lap up whatever high-octane CGI slop the studio churns out.

In keeping with the established pattern of the franchise, there must be a final, ultimate mastermind. One who is at the root of all the plots within plots within yet more plots. But who could it be? Who could be powerful and smart enough to be manipulating Dante, who has been running multiple criminal rings for the past decade?

Who else?

It’s Jesse. Obviously.

Remember him? Died all the way back in 2001? Well if characters like Letty, Han, and Gal Gadot (no one cares about her character’s actual name because she sucks) can survive massive explosions, surely Jesse could survive something so insignificant as a bullet. He didn’t die, but instead fell into a coma, and when he awoke all his friends had moved on. Abandoned him. They are off having homosexual experiences in Miami or galivanting about Tokyo. They were all he had, his family, his whole world, and they meant nothing to him. They welcome the man responsible for his death back into the fold with open arms! He has been building his influence and wealth using his misunderstood autistic savant skills to show them what happens when they turn their back on family!

But wait, how is that gotcha, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you.

Time travel.

This has all but been confirmed by Diesel, and is openly referenced in the last film link. There is precedent for this, as the iconic Rocket Car was teased well in advance link and while many thought it was a joke, it was included in the final film.

My theory is this: Dom will look around at his impossibly wealthy and out-of-touch crew, and be disgusted at what they have become. He HAS turned his back on family. So there’s only one thing to do: use a time machine to negate all of the events that have taken place after the first film.

He will go back in time and prevent Jesse from getting shot so that he can make a clean get away with the crew. He and Brian will never again meet, as Brian and Roman will live out their days in Miami as intended. The entire series has been a meta-commentary on the soullessness of the American film industry and our pathological need to franchise everything. End scene.

Han and D.K from tokyo drift…but their a gay couple who idk hate/love each other.

Yes, of course I would! Sorry it took so long to get this to you. I hope you enjoy this one just as much.

Cipher SFW Alphabet

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

At first Cipher is not the most openly affectionate person, she cares for your wellbeing but ultimately true emotion fueled affection is something that comes later. It starts with gifts and slowly comes to include more grand gestures and promises of more, more of what Cipher considers love.

Is there even a Fast and Furious Fandom here? idk but I just finished watching Fast 9 and need to ramble a bit.

I really enjoyed it! More than I thought I would. I kinda started to loose interest in the francise around the 7th movie and already from the trailer for Fast 9, I thought the long lost brother we never had heard of before angle sounded so ridiculous. I know these movies are ridiculous in genaral, but you know, I can suspend my disbelive for a lot of the shit they pull, if it makes for a fun movie. But as ridiculous as the existence of Jacob Toretto is, they reall pulled on my heartstrings with all the flashbacks. It was so cool to actually see Dom's backstory that we knew from the very first movie! All the cameos and callbacks were really fun <3 They actually went to space!

shobbs - Hobbs/Shaw, Fast&Furious | rating: G | 1,766 words

When Deckard is visited by someone who shouldn’t really be visiting anyone, Deckard seeks refuge at home. And home is with the Hobbs family.

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