#failed iui

Second IUI failed, surprised at how low this low is . . . 

So I had my beta test yesterday.  Results came back negative. I really thought I would be better equipped this time around, but  I’m taking this one worse than the first.  Maybe it’s because I tried to be less emotionally invested this time, so I didn't have a whole month to process.  Maybe it’s because I truly feel like I’m starting to run out of options.

But I think the real reason I am so crushed is because it’s hard to ignore the impact this is having on my husband.  The worst part is, despite my best efforts, I can’t do anything to make it better. 

He's always been my rock and voice of reason.  When I’m falling apart he stays strong, and is there to pull me back out.  But these past few months, I’ve been watching him fall deeper and deeper into that pit of despondency.  I know what this looks like because it’s where I’ve been existing.  All I want is throw him my only lifeline, but I don’t have one.

So what do you do when your rock starts to crumble?  You become your own damn rock.  A strong, badass rock that can take on whatever comes it’s way.  A sturdy, unshaken rock that others can lean on for support. 

After all, rock bottom is the strongest foundation you can have. 

why was I prescribed certain medications over others?

why weren’t my follicles measured and progesterone checked on the day of the IUI?

when I tried to ask these questions after I was told I wasn’t pregnant the answer was a dismissive “im sorry you didn’t pregnant, we suggest coming in for another consultation”.

we also felt like the quality of care from the nurses was really sub-par:

my doctor’s nurses were really shit at explaining to me what needed to happen. She forgot to call in my clomid prescription, when she did call it in she gave me the wrong instructions on how to take it, she didn’t send me detailed emails of when to administer medications, etc.

the nurse who collected my husband’s sample was rude - so rude he ended up crying over the rush of emotions and fear he felt on the day of the IUI

The nurse who called me to tell me I wasn’t pregnant was very callous and short “so like you’re not pregnant, call us when you get your next period”.

the staff really just lacks empathy and you feel like you’re in some shitty baby mill where you don’t actually get pregnant.

the head nurse called me and we spoke for a half hour about my initial treatment course. She was kind, empathetic and informative. she answered all my questions. she was realistic but hopeful. I told her this is what I needed a month ago. later the doctor called me and I just didn’t have it in me to relay my frustrations for a third time so I ignored the call. look, of course I’m mad and heartbroken and gutted that I didn’t get pregnant. but I didn’t complain because I didn’t get pregnant. I complained because of how I was treated, which was without kindness and decency. And if there’s ever a time that empathy is required, it is when you’re working with infertile couples who want nothing more than to achieve pregnancy. next month marks two years of trying.

I’m doing a different medication this cycle (letrozole as opposed to clomid) and I’ve read the side effects tend to be way less severe so I’m trying to be hopeful that I’ll feel better this go around and maybe less fearful this round.

Today is my husband’s birthday.  Today is also the day of my scheduled beta test to find out if IUI number three worked.  I convinced myself I was going to give my husband the only gift he really wanted for his birthday.  I convinced myself that the nausea and sore boobs this time meant pregnancy.  Unfortunately I forgot an important piece of information . . .  the universe hates me.

Just got the email saying the results are negative.  I don’t want to ruin my husband’s big day, so instead I am at school (on my prep) crying in my classroom alone so he won’t know.

This also means a month off of treatments, more testing, and most likely IVF as the next step (whenever that will be).

I also got the news this week that I am officially the last of my non-single friends who is not A) Pregnant OR B) Recently (within the last few months) had a child.

Feeling so depressed and sad at the moment. I took a pregnancy test two days early this morning and it was negative. So I'm feeling rather down. It was my 2, IUI and I'm back to square one for a third time. It's taking its toll on me. I was already told that I would have trouble conceiving since I hav PCO(s) but even if you're told that there's always that little light of hope that just wont go away even if your mind is telling you to don't get your hopes up 'cause you'll just set yourself up for even more sadness when it doesn't pan out. I guess I'll have to wait for Monday to officially know but this is probably a good indicator that it failed. I know on a rational level that it isn't mt fault but I still feel like there is something wrong with me. Why can't I have a child? Everybody else seems to get pregnant so easy and a lot of them aren't even trying.

Infertility – Megan’s Story

I am so thrilled and honored to be sharing this couple’s story and exciting announcement! Photo Credit: Logan Kilgore Photography As a little girl, you dream of one day marrying prince charming, living out your ideal career, traveling and exploring the world, the big house and white-picket fence…  Then, of course, you have toys scattered throughout the house, fingerprints on the glass, dirty…