#experiments cw

I wonder if she remembers me letting her escape, or the bag of supplies I even prepared for her right outside. The stories I told her of old patients and my old elezar studies.. She did always seem to be listening, even if she never talked back.

I am sorry for your living conditions, Collei. I know you dont see weight in those words, especially if the Collei's reading this arent my own. You never should have been used for any experiments, mine or my underlings. You should have only gotten the elezar treatments, your condition upon reaching snezhnaya was so terrible I was furious learning you had gotten residue. And even more furious when seeing how volitile the batch you got was. Granted I cant say your living conditions would have been better if you were treated properly, I didnt have the best holding rooms for any experiments or patients. (and yes I will partially blame Pantalone's budget, though admitedly my Prime Body was so far gone I didnt think about patient comfort most of the time by this point..)

Im still surprised despite all of that, you managed to survive. Given the state you were in upon arrival I thought you would be dead for sure. But you're such a tough kid. And well- Okay I will brag a bit, my elezar treatments are very good. Despite their painful side effects. I was still working on that-

Im sorry Im rambling- And I really doubt any Collei has read this far- And if one of you has, please do not read this as me expecting forgiveness, or for you to like me in the slightest. The things you were roped into were far worse than you ever should have had, and Im still upset that Barnabas acted on his own like that. (His given job was simply to collect some willing Elezar patients. As working on treatments for it had become a passtime of mine. His residue experiments were only supposed to go to patients I directly approved of. And he ignored all of my instructions.)

I just hope you have SOME slightly positive memories. Again of my stories, the small bits of kindness my badly calibrated clone caused to shine through. I think about those times more than I'd like to. It fills me with too much guilt. Reminds me of what I was like before the Akademiya and Fatui drove me too far. It makes me scared to share these mems. I'm terrified typing this right now actually. I'm so prepared for people to attack me despite my wishes or the blogs rules for decency. To accuse me of "erasing Dottore's cruelty" or "expecting forgiveness from all Collei kins" even though I've directly said I'm not expecting that.

I just hope my Collei remembers those moments. They can feel however they please about me, I don't care, I'll never look for them, I don't look for anyone. I just don't want to be the only one who has to remember these events.

Maybe my Collei would like to hear that these memories of kindness haunt me. Maybe they want to know that I'm suffering from knowing how much better I could have been in that life if events had played out a bit differently.

It wouldn't surprise me if the average Collei kin wished for nothing but pain for me, anyway, memories of me or not. (not intended to make you pity me I promise. Im just used to how much the community despises me)

~Il Dottore 🕯♟

P.S. If you're thinking of sending a negative response to me (No matter who you may be), don't bother. There's nothing you can say to me that the community or my brain havent already said before. Don't waste your time. I garuntee you, I already know.