#exbaptist

Hey, I know I shouldn't post this here, but I got into an altercation with my family today. I finally snapped after my dad lashed out at me over his stress, and my stepmom tried to insert herself into the conversation. I yelled at her because her tone of voice was bitchy and yeah. It got physical. I do have self defense now, but it's on me and hidden since my dad took away my other one because low and behold the real mentally unstable bitch made fun of me for putting the bell on the door because I feel unsafe around her. SHE LAUGHED AT IT. And then my dad screamed I hate you to me and her and him started beating me. She showed who she really was tonight but I did not let her manipulate me and I let her think what she wanted to think and called her out on her gaslighting me when she did it. It's safe to say my suspicions about her are true. She's an evil woman who never liked me and she slithered her way into my dad's life because he is dumb and gullible. She tried to talk like my dad is her property and if I have private conversations with her I shouldn't because that's her husband, her property and she was acting like I wasn't even his kid and some demon. I know my dad loves me to some degree because he has shown it, but now I know he's got himself into something he cannot get out of and I think it's gonna end bad for him. Anyways, as I was trying to find friends who could take me in tonight, (which I couldn't because no one has space, but I suspect that no one really wants to take me in and help me or cares for me. I went through 2 local discord servers of 500+ total people and no one reached out ) The DV place is on a bad side of town and the Homeless shelters are all Christian too. So I'm stuck here. I'm beginning to question my beliefs more because I prayed to Lucifer tonight to help me get a place to stay tonight and I don't feel like my patron demon is around. I feel like my demonolatry and occult beliefs are hanging by a thread because my dad tried to say tonight that I should love people more and hating everyone is making me bitter, and love conquers all and that he's been talking to the lord and feeling very happy with the exception of stress and the violent outburst tonight. Idk I felt more happy being a demonolator but I kept questioning everything because my dad was constantly forcing me to go to church until the end of last year, my dad has me in a situation where I have to pretend to be a Christian or I will get kicked out, and I live in a heavily Christian state with christians working with me at work, my therapist being a christian along with the number of faith based counseling outnumbering secular counseling, and homeless shelters and even possibly the DV one are all christian. I'm wondering why the entities I'm praying to aren't answering my prayers. I feel like "god" is probably in comtrol of everything and keeping them from being answered and that eventually I'll just give in and go back to it....I also wonder if my spirits abandoned me or are leaving me in a time like this. I cannot feel Stolas around as much as I did last week and we are very close. Like is having stuff like this happen with your spirituality normal, fellow exchristians that are now spiritual, pagan, occultist and the like? I was just about to give up my beliefs tonight entirely too because I feel like I'll never get out of this situation with my family. It hurts. Why isn't Lucifer answering my prayers? Why do I not feel Stolas, a demon I have a close bond with around right now?

My grandfather was killed through medical malpractice by a Catholic doctor after my pastor anointed his head with oil. The anointing of the Holy Spirit didn't stop him from bleeding out on a hospital bed while we kept asking incredulous doctors why he was bleeding so much. The doctor who finally realized something had gone horribly wrong was a Hindu man who my pastor insulted right before anointing my grandpa, and my pastor convinced my grandma to let my grandpa die rather than let this "man and his thousand gods" help (my pastor's exact words).

Before that I attended Pensacola Christian College where I was threatened by a teacher for saying evolutionists aren't evil: they just disagree with us (unfortunately, yes, I was a dumbass YEC at the time). Where we were taught that fascism saved Spain, that all leftists are secretly Stalinists, that the Native Americans had it coming, and that psychologically torturing a child is good for them (look up the book "Steps for Training a Willful Child" published by aBeka books if you don't believe me). Where I was harassed for wearing a "flamboyant" suit, and threatened by my classmates because they suspected I voted for Clinton (I sat that election out for my own safety, sorry if the choices of a scared 17 year old offends you). And most egregiously of all: where a graduate student sexually assaulted two children and the school paid the cops to look the other way: telling is that if we told our parents about it we would be expelled.

Why in the ever loving fuck would I believe in a god who stood by and let that happen? And that's not even getting into the Christian midwife who convinced my sister not to take medicine while she had her second pregnancy and literally starved the fetus to the point my sister's body rejected it, or the Christian nationalist biker club that put a hit out on me for calling the cops when they got in a knife fight at my apartment building, or the fact that my nephew got measles because his mother refuses to vaccinate him because she believes everything RFK ever said, or everything happening in the world right now because of Christianity: like if Yahweh is real... he better be the Jewish version or he's got a lot to answer for. I'd, frankly, rather go to hell than deal with him ngl.

And then- I'm back in the present, contending with the stardust that makes up my being. My existence is one in eight billion. Isn't it a miracle I exist? I hold the whole world in my hands, the wind and the rain reshaping who I was told I had to be.

Dwight L. Moody started the Christian Fundamentalist movement by combining Capitalist ideology with traditional Christian evangelical rhetoric. His sermons are very famous in the fundie world and were responsible for the conversion of one Dexter Graves, my late Bible teacher and author of “Letters to a Dying Friend”- a right wing extremist memoir and book I can guarantee Donald Trump owns because Dexter never shut the fuck up about how Trump sent him a thank you letter for it.

Now, Dexter was also given to going on long tirades about how god wanted America to carpet bomb the Middle East to wipe out all the sinners and make the world safe for Israel. He would go into extremely graphic detail about how this would also free children from the sinful burden of being raised muslim.

For obvious reasons, this was upsetting for my class of 9-12 graders who just wanted to get a good grade in Bible and move on with our day so me and a couple other kids would regularly make comments about secular songs or movies we liked or dates with our partners so he would go on tirades about how we were dirty and sinful and stop talking about murdering kids- kinda fucked that our options were get bullied by a 70 year old man or hear about child murder but here we are.

It was during one such occurrence that he made the mistake of calling someone’s mother the w-slur and this led to the entire class turning on him. After they’d worked into a fiery frenzy about how we were all evil sinners and he alone knew the way of righteousness: he sneezed, hard. A full body sneeze. However, because he was so worked up his eyes didn’t close when he did so… and it fell out of his head. And we didn’t have to hear from him for six months.