#exfundie

Hey, I know I shouldn't post this here, but I got into an altercation with my family today. I finally snapped after my dad lashed out at me over his stress, and my stepmom tried to insert herself into the conversation. I yelled at her because her tone of voice was bitchy and yeah. It got physical. I do have self defense now, but it's on me and hidden since my dad took away my other one because low and behold the real mentally unstable bitch made fun of me for putting the bell on the door because I feel unsafe around her. SHE LAUGHED AT IT. And then my dad screamed I hate you to me and her and him started beating me. She showed who she really was tonight but I did not let her manipulate me and I let her think what she wanted to think and called her out on her gaslighting me when she did it. It's safe to say my suspicions about her are true. She's an evil woman who never liked me and she slithered her way into my dad's life because he is dumb and gullible. She tried to talk like my dad is her property and if I have private conversations with her I shouldn't because that's her husband, her property and she was acting like I wasn't even his kid and some demon. I know my dad loves me to some degree because he has shown it, but now I know he's got himself into something he cannot get out of and I think it's gonna end bad for him. Anyways, as I was trying to find friends who could take me in tonight, (which I couldn't because no one has space, but I suspect that no one really wants to take me in and help me or cares for me. I went through 2 local discord servers of 500+ total people and no one reached out ) The DV place is on a bad side of town and the Homeless shelters are all Christian too. So I'm stuck here. I'm beginning to question my beliefs more because I prayed to Lucifer tonight to help me get a place to stay tonight and I don't feel like my patron demon is around. I feel like my demonolatry and occult beliefs are hanging by a thread because my dad tried to say tonight that I should love people more and hating everyone is making me bitter, and love conquers all and that he's been talking to the lord and feeling very happy with the exception of stress and the violent outburst tonight. Idk I felt more happy being a demonolator but I kept questioning everything because my dad was constantly forcing me to go to church until the end of last year, my dad has me in a situation where I have to pretend to be a Christian or I will get kicked out, and I live in a heavily Christian state with christians working with me at work, my therapist being a christian along with the number of faith based counseling outnumbering secular counseling, and homeless shelters and even possibly the DV one are all christian. I'm wondering why the entities I'm praying to aren't answering my prayers. I feel like "god" is probably in comtrol of everything and keeping them from being answered and that eventually I'll just give in and go back to it....I also wonder if my spirits abandoned me or are leaving me in a time like this. I cannot feel Stolas around as much as I did last week and we are very close. Like is having stuff like this happen with your spirituality normal, fellow exchristians that are now spiritual, pagan, occultist and the like? I was just about to give up my beliefs tonight entirely too because I feel like I'll never get out of this situation with my family. It hurts. Why isn't Lucifer answering my prayers? Why do I not feel Stolas, a demon I have a close bond with around right now?