#endvverse

Castiel looked at his friend. He thought about the warm feeling that grew inside him when they were together, the way his heart beat just a little faster every time Balthazar was close. “Yes...perhaps you’re right.” 

“Of course I am. Furthermore,” continued Balthazar, “I certainly wouldn’t be able to know that about someone I’ve only just met. How am I supposed to look at someone who’s been in my life barely two months and not be able to see myself without them? It makes no sense!”

Castiel hummed. “Yes, that I definitely understand.” 

He patted Balthazar’s legs to let him up, went back to the kitchen and poured Balthazar some tea, chuckling at Balthazar’s renewed grumblings about the pot and grabbing his own coffee and a book on his way back to the couch. Balthazar accepted the tea and lifted his legs to let Castiel settle back into his place on the couch beneath them.

They fell into a comfortable silence, Castiel sipping his coffee and reading his well-loved copy of The Song of Achilles while Balthazar drank his tea and watched him.

“Hey, Castiel?”

Castiel looked up from his book. “What is it?”

“I know this was a long time ago, and maybe I shouldn’t reopen old wounds, but...why did you and Dean end things? The two of you...seemed good together. The way he looked at you...and you seemed to really like him.”

Castiel sighed. “We were. I did.”

“Then, why?”

Castiel swallowed. “He thought I didn’t.”

Balthazar’s brows furrowed. “Didn’t what? Like him?”

“Yes.”

“But you did.”

“I did.”

“Was he that insecure?”

“He...thought that I wasn’t happy with him, because...well, because I didn’t want him the same way he wanted me.”

Balthazar blinked, and then understanding grew on his face. “What, you mean sex?”

“Yes.”

“But...I thought that the two of you…”

“We did.”

“Well, what, then? He wanted it more often?”

“No, it wasn’t that.”

“Then…?”

Castiel sighed and set his book aside. “I don’t...dislike sex. It’s fine. And I did enjoy the way it made him feel. I enjoyed taking care of him and watching him fall apart in my arms. But…while I do appreciate the closeness and intimacy of it, I don’t personally feel a need for those things to come in the form of sex, specifically. I usually do enjoy it, but I almost never want it. I don’t crave it. And...that bothered him. He thought that—because of that and that I wasn’t affected by him in the same way he was me—that I wasn’t attracted to him, that I wasn’t in love with him. He thought I was forcing myself to be with him.”

“But, you weren’t...forcing yourself, I mean.” 

“No,” Castiel agreed, but had to work to shake the old anxiety that maybe he should have been forcing himself more, that maybe he should have tried harder for the man he loved. He swallowed. “I wasn’t, not in general and not when it came to sex. It took time, but I learned to be honest about when I didn’t want to, and he always respected it. And when we did make love, I liked bringing pleasure to him, seeing that side of him. I just didn’t get the same things out of it that he did, and I didn’t usually care for him to do things to me.” 

“And he had a problem with that?”

“Well, in the beginning, it was a blow to his pride; he thought he just wasn’t good enough at doing what I liked. When I’d sufficiently assured him it wasn’t that, he thought it meant I didn’t feel the same way about him and that I was only appeasing him or that I didn’t want to hurt him by leaving. He thought it meant we were broken.” Castiel sighed. “It turned out...it was just me.”

 Balthazar was suddenly crawling to Castiel’s end of the sofa, taking his face in his hands. “You are not broken, Castiel, and you did nothing wrong.”

Castiel rolled his eyes and tried to pull away.

“No.” Balthazar turned Castiel’s face back to him. “Listen to me. It’s perfectly all right you’re not obsessed with sex. It’s not for everyone. Some people don’t like chocolate. Sure, most people do—and maybe I don’t understand how anyone couldn’t—but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the people who don’t. It’s okay to not like a thing. It doesn’t make you broken, and it doesn’t mean you should try to like it anyway. You loved Dean. He may have thought it wasn’t in the right way, but there isn’t a right way to love someone.”

Castiel closed his eyes and swallowed, doing his best to ignore the tightness in his chest. When he felt he was no longer in danger of crying, he met Balthazar’s gaze. “Thank you,” he said, pouring as much sincerity into the two words as he could. 

Balthazar nodded and moved back to his side of the couch. 

Castiel took in his friend. “You’re not broken either, you know.”

Balthazar gaped at him for a moment before scowling. “Go back to your book.”

Castiel did, hands absently running patterns along Balthazar’s shins as he read about Achilles and Patroclus. 

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(this is part 1 of 5. The others are written but still being edited and will post over the next few days)

@all-or-nothing-baby @petrichoravellichor @i-miss-balthazar @casblackfeathers @ficwip

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