#calthazar

Around three thirty, Castiel finally gave up on trying to write or edit anything and began channeling his nervous energy into cleaning the apartment. Energy might have been a bad name for it, the late night had left him feeling particularly drained today in a way he hadn’t expected and was more than a little put out about. However, cleaning was at least the only thing he had the mental energy for, even if his body disagreed.

The floors weren’t awful and had been swept in the last few days, but they hadn’t been mopped in over a week, so he did that. The bathroom surfaces got frequent wipe-downs but he hadn’t scrubbed the shower in a few weeks, and it was due. The carpets had been vacuumed yesterday, but who cared; they got it again. He figured he might as well clean out the fridge. He had a few drawers that were less organized than he’d like them to be. 

He was just removing the light fixture covers from the ceiling fan in the living room to soak them when Balthazar walked in.

Balthazar hung his keys and looked up. “Oh, well, look at you being industrious.”

Castiel huffed. “I had to get something done today. My brain seemed to want to focus on all the wrong things. I thought I’d at least get some cleaning done while it wandered.”

“Hm, I’ve had a similar problem today.” Balthazar sighed. “Cas, I need to say—”

Castiel unscrewed the second light cover and passed it to Balthazar to hold. “I ordered pizza. Tomorrow’s Saturday. I’m thinking we stay up late binging The Witcher and not think about our respective problems.” 

Balthazar huffed a small laugh. “While I’m not against the general plan, I do need to say this. About this morning…”

Castiel finished loosening the final screw for the last fixture cover, stepped down from the coffee table, took the one he’d already set down and the one he’d handed to Balthazar and walked towards the kitchen. He would listen to whatever Balthazar had to say (and honestly needed to say some things himself), he owed him that, but he did need a minute. 

He filled the sink with soapy water and gently set the glass covers in there to soak, dried his hands, took a deep breath, then turned back to his friend.

“I shouldn’t have cornered you like that. “Castiel started. “It was unfair of me. You were in the middle of being supportive, of being a good friend; and I’m sorry that I threw it back at you like that. You are completely entitled to the position of believing that I am worthy of a loving relationship while not being interested in me yourself. That doesn’t undermine what you’d been saying before.”

Balthazar stared at him for a moment, then visibly relaxed. “Thank you.” He winced. “Your question was…a surprise, but I should have handled myself better. And you’re right that my personal feelings or attraction have nothing to do with it, but, for the record—and I probably should shut my mouth, because I don’t want you to read too much into it, but—the answer was ‘yes.’”

Castiel sucked in a breath.

The doorbell rang. 

“I’ll get it. That’ll be the pizza, right?” Balthazar walked towards the door.

Castiel stared after him, blinking. “Yes.” 

“So,” Balthazar set the pizza and two-liter orange crush on the coffee table, “The Witcher, you said?”

“I’ve been wanting to re-watch it,” Castiel muttered, dazed. 

“All right by me.” He kicked off his shoes and began walking towards the bedroom. I’m going to change and be right back. Cue it up?”

“Okay…”  Castiel watched him walk away, mind reeling.

The answer was yes? What was that supposed to mean? Castiel had asked that as a practically rhetorical question, knowing the answer was no. He’d asked it to prove a point, not because he thought there was a possibility the answer may have been yes. 

He grabbed the remote and pulled up Netflix, then found what he was looking for, also replaying in his mind the part where Balthazar had said that he didn’t want him to read too much into it. He decided he wouldn’t.

Balthazar returned and plopped onto the couch. “Coming?”

Castiel took a breath. “Yes.”

They were in episode three, during the sex scene between Istredd and Yennifer when Balthazar looked at him questioningly. “And this really doesn’t bother you to watch? You know it won’t bother me if you’d prefer to skip.”

Castiel chuckled. “It’s just kind of…odd. Honestly, I think it’s more uncomfortable for you than me, because it doesn’t really affect me. I’m just…watching a scene.”

“Oh, I’m not uncomfortable.”

“Of course not. My apologies.”

Balthazar rolled his eyes. “Well, if I am, it’s only because I have a space heater against me. How are you under that blanket?”

“It’s cold.” Castiel pulled the blanket tighter around him where he was leaned into Balthazar’s side.

Balthazar chuckled. “It’s really not.”

“Back to the sex scenes though, it does…make me think. It seems like the entire world is obsessed with sex. Is it really so strange to crave companionship and affection and not really care about the sex?”

Balthazar sighed and draped an arm over Castiel’s shoulders. “I don’t think so.” He looked away. Then, quietly, “Is it wrong to wish for it even if there are no butterflies involved?”

Castiel reached up a hand and pulled Balthazar’s gaze back to him. “Butterflies are overrated. Bees are much more practical,” he monotoned.

Balthazar laughed, and Castiel sucked in a breath. He could listen to that sound forever, but Balthazar frowned at him. He lifted a hand to Castiel’s on his cheek, then placed it on Castiel’s forehead, his neck. “You…really are warm. Are you certain you’re just tired from lack of sleep?”

Castiel shrugged, but almost as if on cue, his stomach suddenly sent up the signal that it wouldn't be housing the pizza for much longer. 

Castiel jumped up and ran to the bathroom, throwing up the toilet lid and kneeling in front of it just in time.

“Oh god…” He heard Balthazar mutter from the doorway. “What—what can I do?”

“Shut the door,” Castiel barely got out before his stomach heaved again.

There was the sound of the door shutting, then Balthazar was kneeling beside him.

Castiel groaned. “I meant with you on the outside of it.” He heaved again.

“I’ll be right back.” Balthazar jumped up and ran out.

Castiel had barely nodded before everything locked up again, even though there wasn’t even anything left at this point. He reached out and pulled the lever to flush, then collapsed against the wall by the toilet.

“Hey…” Balthazar was kneeling in front of him again, offering him a wet rag to wipe his face and a glass of water. 

Castiel took them both gratefully.

Balthazar threw the rag towards the sink then produced a bottle of Pepto and poured a dose. “Take this. It won’t help with the fever but it should help the nausea at least.” 

Castiel did. “Thank you. Sorry for being pitiful.”

Balthazar set the bottle aside and refilled Castiel’s cup with water from the sink. “You’re not pitiful, you’re sick.” He pulled a fresh rag from the cabinet and wet it before coming back to kneel over Castiel. “And you cleaned the entire flat today while you were such.” He put a hand on Castiel’s forehead. “God you’re burning up…and pale.” He shook his head and began wiping at the sweat Castiel could feel running down his brow. “I’m going to run to the corner store and get you something for the fever. I’ll get some blue powerade while I’m there. It’s by far the most pleasant thing to throw up in my experience, masks the flavor better than anything.”

Castiel grimaced. 

“Would you prefer something else?”

Castiel looked up at him and all he could think was how much he loved him, this man kneeling on the bathroom floor with him, this man staying in the room with him while he’d been puking his guts out, this man caring for him in what had to be the least attractive situation…all Castiel wanted was to crawl into his arms and stay there.

Castiel swallowed. “No…no powerade is good.”

“Okay.” Balthazar nodded. “Do you think you can make it to bed?”

Castiel sighed, considering it. “Probably, but I think it’d be wise to stay here for a while, just in case. It’s not really a matter of making it somewhere else so much as making back here in time should I need to.”

“Well, good that the bathroom’s recently scrubbed I suppose. I’ll go fetch you a pillow and blanket.” He was only gone a moment before he was back with items in hand. Balthazar knelt beside him. “Would you prefer to sit up or lie down?”

Castiel took a deep breath to quell another wave of nausea. It was getting a little better, whether because of the medicine or because he was lacking anything left to expel, he wasn’t sure; but he was mostly just a generic miserable now. “Down.”

“All right. Scoot this way…” He helped Castiel away from the wall enough to have room to lie down and shoved a pillow behind him for his head.

Castiel reached up and cupped a hand against the side of Balthazar’s face. “Does it…bother you...that I think I’m in love with you?”

Balthazar huffed and tucked a blanket around him. “You’re delirious.”

“I’m not.”

With a pained look in his eyes, Balthazar sighed. He covered Castiel’s hand on his face with his own, and turned to press a light kiss to Castiel’s palm before setting Castiel’s hand down on his chest and patting it. “Rest. I’ll return shortly.”

Castiel grabbed at him before he could stand. He needed Balthazar to understand what he was saying. “I’m not…I know you don’t want to be with me. I’m just asking if it bothers you for me to be in love with you?”

Balthazar looked pained. “You’re wrong.”

Castiel frowned up at him.

“Being with you…for me, it’d be everything. I just wouldn’t do that to you.”

Castiel sucked in a breath. “You think…you think you’re not enough for me…”

Balthazar gave him a look that said something like obviously, as though he couldn’t see that he was everything Castiel wanted. Balthazar reached out and brushed Castiel’s hair back from his forehead. 

“You…you want to be with me…”

“Castiel, you are my best friend, my favorite person in the world, my partner in life and everything in it, and of course if I had my choice of lovers, that  would also be you. But you are also apparently a complete idiot because why would you fall in love with someone who can’t love you back?”

“Can’t you?” Castiel pushed himself into a more upright position. “I know I’m probably not one to talk, but I think we’ve both let the world convince us of too narrow ways to love. I don’t care about romance. I don’t want you to be nervous and fall all over yourself around me. I don’t need you to think I hung the moon and can do no wrong. I don’t need you to get…butterflies or whatever. What I want is you to be there for me, to care about me, to be comfortable and open with me…and to you to let me do the same for you. I don’t love some Balthazar that you can’t become anyway; I love the one who makes me coffee in the mornings, who defends me, who will crawl into my bed in the middle of the night and hold me to comfort me, who’ll sit on the bathroom floor with me when I’m sick. I even love the Balthazar who talks to me in the middle of the night and keeps me awake at all hours.” He took a deep breath. “So, I guess I’m asking again…does it bother you that I’m in love with you?”

“Cas…” He hated the look in Balthazar’s eyes, so vulnerable, scared. Of course he would be. He’d had much the same experience with relationships as Castiel had. “You know better. You know it’s different for me.”

“That’s not what I asked. Does it bother you?”

“It scares me.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to mess up our friendship. I don’t...I don’t know if I can change.”

Castiel scowled at him. “I’m not asking you to change.”

“Oh? Don’t take this the wrong way, Castiel, but you know me.”

“Do you love me?”

“Yes, but I can’t give you what you want.”

“Can’t you…” Castiel placed a hand on his side. “When you spent the night in my bed, or when we watch shows curled up on the couch together, does that bother you?”

Balthazar sighed. “No. It’s nice. I like closeness. I like affection.”

“Me too.”

“But I don’t think it means the same thing to me as it does to you.”

“Does that bother you?”

“Of course!”

“Why?”

“Because some day, you’re going to wish it did.”

Castiel leaned forward, taking Balthazar’s face in his hands. “I think that if anyone were going to understand that it’s okay for something to not mean the same thing to two people, that as long as they’re good with it, then it’s good. Do you remember me talking to you about Dean?”

Balthazar stilled. “Castiel…

“He thought that because we experienced love, passion, and affection differently...that I didn’t want to be with him. He thought that because when we made love, because the experience was different for me, that I didn’t want him.”

“This is different,” Balthazar whispered.

Castiel raised an eyebrow. “Is it?”

“Some day, you’re going to wish I loved you the right way.”

“I believe a wise friend once told me...that there is no right way to love someone.”

“Cas…”

“I enjoy your companionship. I believe you enjoy mine.”

“I do.”

“And you like my affection.

“I do.”

“Does it bother you that I’d like to kiss you?”

“It’s not the same for me as it is for you.”

“That’s not what I asked. Would you like to kiss me?”

Balthar huffed. “Not with that mouth. I do love you and have ever been attracted to you but those things have limits. Brush your teeth first.”

Castiel laughed. “Is that…a yes?”

Balthazar swallowed. “Yeah. I think it’d be fun. Honestly, I have to stop myself from doing it accidentally all the time.”

“Yeah…me too.” He took a deep breath. “Do you love me?” he breathed.

“Castiel...it’s not the same for me.”

“Again, that’s not what I asked.”

“You are my best friend, and I adore you, and I want to care for you and be your partner, in everything, always.”

Castiel could feel everything inside himself unwinding, falling into place. “That sounds like love to me.” He took Balthazar’s face in his hands. “That’s enough for me. Is it enough for you?”

Balthazar let out something between a laugh and a sob. “It’s everything.”

Castiel smiled. “Good. Then, if it’s okay, love me in your way, and I’ll love you in mine.”

Balthazar nodded. He turned his face into one of Castiel’s hands and kissed it. “I—yes, I’d like that very much.”

Castiel licked his lips. “Just so you know, as soon as I’m well, I plan to push you against a wall and kiss the hell out of you.”

“You have work at eight.”

“But you don’t have to be up at any specific time, so why are you worried?”

Castiel sighed heavily, seeming for all as though he were wondering what he’d done to deserve this. “Yes, but if you don’t get enough sleep then I live with you and will have to deal with your crankiness.”

Balthazar waited.

 “Okay.” Castiel took a moment. “I think it’s different for everyone…” 

Balthazar rolled his eyes even though Castiel couldn’t see it. “Indulge me. What does it feel like for you?”

“I wasn’t done,” Castiel huffed. “As I was saying, I think it’s somewhat different for everyone, and I think…that it’s also different with everyone. Every person is different, so every relationship is different…or at least I believe it should be. People are not all the same, so why should the rules for relationships be?”

Balthazar had barely opened his mouth.

“Don’t complain that that doesn’t help; let me think.”

Balthazar fought down a chuckle.

“When you start to fall in love with someone,” Castiel continued, “for me at least, it—it feels like you’ve found the most interesting and wonderful person to ever exist. You think that they’re intriguing and funny and beautiful, and at first you don’t realize you feel anything out of the ordinary about them except that they stand out to you. You assume that everyone surely notices them and sees all those things about them, because—because they’re amazing; and then it’s very confusing when you find out that other people don’t notice and fixate on that person the way you do.”

Balthazar hummed an acknowledgement that he was listening.

“Then—you don’t always recognize it as it’s happening, but—one day, you realize that, at some point and perhaps without your permission, your entire world has shifted, and somehow your existence seems to have reshaped itself around one person.”

Balthazar shifted in his bed. That sounded…intense. “Is that…how you felt about Dean?”

“Yes.” Castiel’s voice was quiet. “I would have gone with him anywhere.”

“Hey…” At the sound of pain in Castiel’s voice, Balthazar pushed his comforter down and padded across the room to Castiel’s bed. “None of that. Make room.”

“What are you…?” Castiel began as Balthazar lightly pushed him towards the wall. He sighed. “Fine, come on.” Castiel lifted the blanket and moved away to make room for Balthazar to join him.

Balthazar worked an arm under Castiel’s head as he lay down and draped the other arm over him. He felt like an imbecile who couldn’t learn the lesson of not bringing up painful history. “I apologize. I didn’t intend to trouble you.”

Castiel huffed. “I’m not troubled.”

“You are.” It was dark, but Castiel’s scowl was hard to miss anyway. He began stroking a hand along Castiel’s spine. “I’m sorry, both that you were hurt and for my bringing it up. We don’t have to talk about it.” 

Castiel lay breathing for a moment and seemed to relax a little in Balthazar’s arms. “It’s fine,” he finally said, “but…why are you asking?”

Balthazar’s hand wandered up, and he began absently playing with the soft curls along Castiel’s neck, thinking. “It’s a complicated subject for me and one I remain curious about, because…well, I do understand the appeal of a relationship; I just never never feel as though I’m doing it correctly.”

Castiel shifted and wound an arm around Balthazar’s waist. “Our society puts far too much weight on romance as the highest form of love. It’s not. It’s simply a form of it. If you don’t feel like you’re missing anything in your life without it, then you’re not. If it doesn’t appeal to you, you shouldn’t force yourself.”

“I’m not. It’s more…” He sighed, searching for words that explained it. “It’s not that I don’t see the appeal of a romantic partner. Believe me. It’s why I’ve tried so many times. I think it would be nice to know that someone would always be there, to have someone for whom I cared deeply and who cared for me. I enjoy relationships; I simply don’t enjoy people telling me how I’m supposed to feel while I’m in one. And people do insist that you’re supposed to feel a certain way about that person, that they’re somehow supposed to feel innately different than all the other people you love aside from perhaps being your strongest bond; and I think that if I were able to experience that feeling, I would have by now.”

“You…want a companion…” There was a significant level of surprise and awe in Castiel’s expression and voice over something that Balthazar would have thought obvious. “It’s not—you don’t date for sex?”

Balthazar huffed. “If that were all, I would forgo the entire institution and simply meet people in bars. Sex is a nice perk, a really nice perk…but no, that’s not why I date, not the whole of it anyway. Aside from the fact that sex is much more pleasant to me when it’s someone I know and trust and have a connection with—I honestly have trouble even being attracted to someone physically that I don’t already like as a person—but that is simply one of the many things I enjoy about being with someone.”

“Huh…” Castiel tucked his head beneath Balthazar’s chin. “Are you lonely?” he whispered.

Balthazar held his best friend as they lay there in the soft glow of streetlights through the window and wondered why love couldn’t feel like this. Why couldn’t it feel like having a best friend whom you trusted and who felt like home and whom you could hold in your arms, not because you felt aflame but because you were that comfortable with each other? 

Balthazar closed his eyes and ran his fingers further into Castiel’s hair. “No, but I imagine I shall be someday.”

Castiel pulled back and looked up at him. “Why?”

He swallowed. Because, someday, someone’s going to see you for everything wonderful that you are, and they’re going to sweep you off your feet; and I can’t even ask you not to leave me, because I can’t give you what you need. “Because I don’t want people the same way they want me.”

Castiel’s voice was serious. “Neither do I.”

Basthazar let out a breath.  “I suppose not.” His thumb traced the lines of Castiel’s cheekbones. “You know, sometimes I wonder how much easier it would be to be normal like everyone else.”

“Ha, ‘normal,’” Castiel scoffed, and if his hands were free, Balthazar knew they’d be forming quotation marks. “Having seen the divorce rate, I don’t believe things are so easy for the rest of the dating world either.” 

Balthazar chuckled and tucked Castiel’s head back against his chest, his hand resuming its earlier path through Castiel’s hair. “No, I suppose it’s not as though they’re doing spectacularly.” They lay there quietly for a while, Balthazar’s mind wandering over their conversation. “Hey…” he swallowed, “The way you described falling in love, how it felt for you…is that normal? What I mean is…do you think others would describe it the same way? Have you felt that way for anyone else? Or was it just…”

It took Castiel a moment to answer. “I don’t fall in love easily,” he said. “I don’t…think it’s this way for everyone, but for me, there has to be a strong connection before I’m able to even consider someone in a romantic light. I suppose that’s not unlike how you said people are more sexually appealing when it’s someone with whom you feel a connection, but it takes me…a particularly long time. Usually, it’s only when I’ve been friends with someone for years. And…falling in love is a little different every time, but to answer at least part of your question…yes, the feeling I described, I’ve felt that way more than once.”

Balthazar took a moment to process that. 

“I can’t tell if this conversation is helping or leaving you more confused.”

“A bit of both I believe.” Balthazar chuckled. “I have to be honest, being in love sounds a bit horrifying.”

Castiel laughed suddenly against his chest. “It is. To give that much of yourself to someone…and hope that they even actually want it…it’s terrifying.”

“But good…” it must be, or so many wouldn’t do it, “right?”

Castiel’s fingers pressed into his sides. “...It can be,” he breathed.

Balthazar thought about that, about everything Castiel had described,  about having someone who was central to your world and mind in a way that others perhaps didn’t understand and that didn’t match how those others thought of them. “It sounds…not too different from having a best friend that perhaps others don’t seem to get the way you do.”

Castiel hummed. “Yes, it can be a lot like that.”

Balthazar huffed into the darkness. “Well, that wouldn’t be so bad you know? A best friend that you get to kiss.”

“No.” There was something in Castiel’s voice even as his arms wound tighter around him that Balthazar couldn’t quite place. “That wouldn’t be so bad.”

Gabriel tisked. “Oh, come on. You and Hannah broke up months ago. You gotta get back out there!”

Balthazar snorted. This wasn’t about Hannah; he was simply increasingly sure that he wasn’t built for relationships and should probably stop inflicting that on people. “I’ll pass, thanks.”

“Of course, by ‘get back out there,’ what I really mean is that you and my brother should just hook up already.”

“Absolutely not.”

Gabriel rolled his eyes. “Puh-lease.. You can’t tell me you haven’t at least thought about it. You guys are practically married anyway. And god knows he could use a little fun.”

Balthazar scowled at him. “Firstly, don’t be so concerned with your brother’s sex life; it’s weird.” He stood and began gathering his things to leave. “Secondly, you know Castiel isn’t…well, that he isn’t exactly into hook-ups.” Balthazar looked up and pointed a finger at Gabriel. “And you’ll do well to respect that. Finally, your brother and his friendship mean far too much for me to ruin everything over filling a lonely night during a dry spell, so I’ll thank you not to bring it up again.”

Gabriel hummed. “So, you’re lonely at night?”

“Oh, for the love of...”

“You know, if Cassie isn’t interested, I could—”

“Good bye, Gabriel.” Balthazar walked out the door before Castiel’s brother decided to offer any more appalling ideas.

“Stop judging us, Netflix,” Castiel’s voice rumbled above him as Are you still watching? popped up on the screen between episodes. 

Balthazar just hummed, enjoying the fingertips that were scratching along his scalp as he lay sprawled out on the couch with his head in Castiel’s lap.

Castiel looked down. “I assume we’re watching another?”

Balthazar grinned up at him. “Obviously.” He sat up and grabbed the empty popcorn bowl from the coffee table. “But first, more popcorn. Anything else you’d like from the kitchen while I’m up?”

Castiel shook his head and stood. “No, but I think I’m going to change while you do that.”

“Why did you get dressed today, anyway? Isn’t one of the perks of working from home lounging around in pajamas? Or did you go somewhere?”

Castiel huffed. “I was struggling to feel motivated today and sometimes it helps, but I’m tired of it now.”

Balthazar chuckled. “Off with you, then,” he said, waving Castiel towards the bedroom as he walked into the kitchen. He set the empty bowl on the counter and rummaged through the cupboard for a fresh bag. “Oi, Cas!” he called when he couldn’t spot one. “Was that the last of the popcorn?”

“What?!” he heard Castiel’s voice from the hall. 

Balthazar turned around to try again, only to be confronted by a mostly naked Castiel, standing in the doorway in his underpants, holding the shirt he’d been wearing, and in the act of kicking off his jeans. Balthazar blinked. Best friend or not, Castiel was truly attractive. He would like to blame Gabriel for having it in the forefront of his mind, but the truth was that the more comfortable he and Castiel were in each other’s space and with each other’s affection, the harder it was to not…well, be comfortable with other types of attention and affection. 

Balthazar shook off the thought. “I don’t see any more popcorn.” He gestured to the cupboard. “Was that the last bag?”

Castiel chuckled and walked to the kitchen, stepping out of his jeans and tossing his discarded shirt on the couch as he passed it. “I didn’t buy microwave bags last time. I got this kettle corn instead.” He stretched up to pull a jar of corn kernels from the top shelf along with some oil before reaching around Balthazar to pull the salt from a different cabinet. 

Balthazar did his best to not take advantage of the full display of lean muscle and tanned skin moving and reaching around him. He wasn’t sure what expression was on his face when Castiel turned to hand him the kernels, but whatever it was caused Castiel to pause. 

“You…” Castiel frowned. “Do you need me to make it?”

Balthazar rolled his eyes. “I know how to make popcorn, love.”

“You look confused, or…something.”

Balthazar snorted. “Let’s just call it something, shall we?” He held up the bottle of oil and shook it in front of Castiel. “Now, run along and put on a shirt before those lovely muscles of yours tempt me into finding another use for this oil, hm?” He turned and made himself busy finding the perfect pot for cooking popcorn and decidedly not ogling the best friend next to him.

Castiel started to say something but paused and looked down at himself and blushed when he realized his state of undress. “Oh. Sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

Balthazar chuckled and shook his head. “It’s fine. I—” But Castiel still looked embarrassed. Balthazar chewed his lip, looking for the right words. “Look, you know I didn’t mean it like that, right? Well, I did, in that you’re objectively attractive, yes,  but I promise I don't mean anything by it. I wouldn’t…I’d never, you know, try anything.” 

Castiel gave him a soft smile. “I know that.”

“Does it bother you?” Balthazar chanced; then, when Castiel frowned in confusion, he added, “Me finding you attractive?”

Castiel considered that for a moment. “No,” he seemed to decide. “It doesn’t feel...predatory...coming from you.”

Balthazar sighed. “Good. Because it truly isn't.”

 “I know.” Then Castiel smirked, “So...you think I’m attractive?”

Balthazar rolled his eyes. “I may not understand romance, but I do understand attraction, and I’m certainly not oblivious to your charms. Now, go put on some bloody clothes while I make our popcorn.”

Castiel laughed and headed back towards the bedroom. He paused in the entrance to the hallway and looked over his shoulder. “For the record,” he said, “I’m not oblivious to you either.”

Balthazar huffed a small laugh. He looked over his shoulder, batting his eyes at Castiel. “Is this your way of telling me that you find me becoming?” 

Castiel’s lips pressed into a line as though he were fighting a smirk. “Maybe.”

Balthazar finally realized that the pot already sitting on the stove was likely the one Castiel had used for the first batch. He lifted the lid, confirming, and pretended not to hear Castiel snicker behind him, then turned and leaned against the counter, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow. “I thought you weren’t into that sort of thing.”

Castiel shrugged. “I’m not particularly into sex. That doesn’t mean I don’t find you aesthetically pleasing.” Then, he turned and was gone.

Balthazar took a deep breath and turned back to the stove. He covered the bottom of the pot in oil and placed one kernel in to let him know when it was hot enough, then dropped his chin to his chest and tapped his fingers on the counter as he waited. “Fuck,” he breathed, pushing away from the counter and running a hand through his hair. He reminded himself that for most, the line between friends and lovers was a little less blurry than for him, and the last thing he wanted to do was lead his best friend on. Rein it in, you bastard. Castiel is off-limits. 

And he was. Castiel was so, so very off-limits. Castiel, who had been Balthazar’s best friend ever since he could remember, who was so kind and loyal and loving and gentle and giving and—and who deserved better, deserved more. Castiel deserved to be adored and cherished and singularly worshiped. He deserved fairy tales and the kind of love that people would write songs about, and Balthazar just...really liked being around the guy and sometimes thought it'd be enjoyable to get to kiss him, too. 

The kernel popped.

Balthazar fished it out, threw a scoop of fresh kernels into the pot, and slammed the lid.

No. He couldn’t be what Castiel deserved. 

Someone would be, though. Some day, someone was going to come around who could see just how amazing Castiel friend was, sweep Balthazar’s best friend off of his feet, and leave Balthazar with a very Castiel-shaped hole in his life where late-night talks and morning coffee and movie nights and friendship and care and affection and intimacy used to be. Someone was going to be amazing and deserving and was going to give Castiel the love that he’d dreamt of.

Whoever it was…Balthazar loved him for it, but he also already couldn’t stand him.

Castiel crossed his arms on top of his dresser and dropped his head to them, breathing slowly.

In. 

Out.

In.

Out.

Why was he letting everything get to him like this?

Castiel had been fostering a crush on Balthazar for…a while. It was difficult to put a finger on exactly when his feelings for his best friend had shifted from purely platonic, but over time, they had. 

He was usually able to ignore it though. Certainly, it was an ever-present hum in the back of his mind, but it usually didn’t affect their time together so much as exist as a thing that Castiel would take out and examine when he was alone. It was a thing that he would lie in bed and yearn for long after Balthazar had fallen asleep. Usually, his crush on Balthazar was a thing that his mind would indulge within the safety of dreams and fantasies, but lay dormant during their waking interactions.

Usually, Love you too, darling would not have been playing on repeat in his mind since the moment he’d read it and you're objectively attractive wouldn't have sent him reeling. Usually, Castiel didn’t say dumb things like tell Balthazar how aesthetically pleasing he was. Usually, Castiel could let Balthazar rest his head in his lap and run his fingers through Balthazar’s hair without the urge to caress his face and tell him he was everything Castiel wanted…

Because Castiel had accepted a long time ago that he could not give Balthazar what he wanted. After all, Balthazar loved sex but would balk if he knew the flood of emotions and longing currently threatening to burst out of Castiel or how Castiel would happily spend the rest of his life with him.

Balthazar had tried to explain it to Castiel, what he saw in sex. He said liked the rush of it, the pleasure of it, the intimacy of it. He liked wanting and feeling wanted. He liked the closeness and connection that came with entrusting your bodies to each other entirely.

Some of those things, Castiel could understand. Perhaps not to the degree that Balthazar craved them(or at least not in the form which Balthazar craved those things), but he could understand. Yet…he’d been down such a road before, and he doubted that Balthazar would ever be satisfied in what Castiel could give him.

No, he couldn’t be what Balthazar wanted.

Someone could be though. Someone, some day would come along who would match Balthazar perfectly, who would see how amazing he was and never accuse him of being shallow or uncaring as some had, who would have the same types of desires and not be worried about the things Balthazar couldn’t give, who would see all the love and care that Balthazar did give.

“Castiel!” Balthazar’s voice called from the living room. “The popcorn’s done. Are you coming?”

Castiel pushed off of the dresser with a sigh and grabbed a t-shirt and some gray sweatpants from the drawers. “I’ll be right out!”

Yes. Someone, some day, would be exactly what Balthazar wanted.

Castiel looked at his friend. He thought about the warm feeling that grew inside him when they were together, the way his heart beat just a little faster every time Balthazar was close. “Yes...perhaps you’re right.” 

“Of course I am. Furthermore,” continued Balthazar, “I certainly wouldn’t be able to know that about someone I’ve only just met. How am I supposed to look at someone who’s been in my life barely two months and not be able to see myself without them? It makes no sense!”

Castiel hummed. “Yes, that I definitely understand.” 

He patted Balthazar’s legs to let him up, went back to the kitchen and poured Balthazar some tea, chuckling at Balthazar’s renewed grumblings about the pot and grabbing his own coffee and a book on his way back to the couch. Balthazar accepted the tea and lifted his legs to let Castiel settle back into his place on the couch beneath them.

They fell into a comfortable silence, Castiel sipping his coffee and reading his well-loved copy of The Song of Achilles while Balthazar drank his tea and watched him.

“Hey, Castiel?”

Castiel looked up from his book. “What is it?”

“I know this was a long time ago, and maybe I shouldn’t reopen old wounds, but...why did you and Dean end things? The two of you...seemed good together. The way he looked at you...and you seemed to really like him.”

Castiel sighed. “We were. I did.”

“Then, why?”

Castiel swallowed. “He thought I didn’t.”

Balthazar’s brows furrowed. “Didn’t what? Like him?”

“Yes.”

“But you did.”

“I did.”

“Was he that insecure?”

“He...thought that I wasn’t happy with him, because...well, because I didn’t want him the same way he wanted me.”

Balthazar blinked, and then understanding grew on his face. “What, you mean sex?”

“Yes.”

“But...I thought that the two of you…”

“We did.”

“Well, what, then? He wanted it more often?”

“No, it wasn’t that.”

“Then…?”

Castiel sighed and set his book aside. “I don’t...dislike sex. It’s fine. And I did enjoy the way it made him feel. I enjoyed taking care of him and watching him fall apart in my arms. But…while I do appreciate the closeness and intimacy of it, I don’t personally feel a need for those things to come in the form of sex, specifically. I usually do enjoy it, but I almost never want it. I don’t crave it. And...that bothered him. He thought that—because of that and that I wasn’t affected by him in the same way he was me—that I wasn’t attracted to him, that I wasn’t in love with him. He thought I was forcing myself to be with him.”

“But, you weren’t...forcing yourself, I mean.” 

“No,” Castiel agreed, but had to work to shake the old anxiety that maybe he should have been forcing himself more, that maybe he should have tried harder for the man he loved. He swallowed. “I wasn’t, not in general and not when it came to sex. It took time, but I learned to be honest about when I didn’t want to, and he always respected it. And when we did make love, I liked bringing pleasure to him, seeing that side of him. I just didn’t get the same things out of it that he did, and I didn’t usually care for him to do things to me.” 

“And he had a problem with that?”

“Well, in the beginning, it was a blow to his pride; he thought he just wasn’t good enough at doing what I liked. When I’d sufficiently assured him it wasn’t that, he thought it meant I didn’t feel the same way about him and that I was only appeasing him or that I didn’t want to hurt him by leaving. He thought it meant we were broken.” Castiel sighed. “It turned out...it was just me.”

 Balthazar was suddenly crawling to Castiel’s end of the sofa, taking his face in his hands. “You are not broken, Castiel, and you did nothing wrong.”

Castiel rolled his eyes and tried to pull away.

“No.” Balthazar turned Castiel’s face back to him. “Listen to me. It’s perfectly all right you’re not obsessed with sex. It’s not for everyone. Some people don’t like chocolate. Sure, most people do—and maybe I don’t understand how anyone couldn’t—but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the people who don’t. It’s okay to not like a thing. It doesn’t make you broken, and it doesn’t mean you should try to like it anyway. You loved Dean. He may have thought it wasn’t in the right way, but there isn’t a right way to love someone.”

Castiel closed his eyes and swallowed, doing his best to ignore the tightness in his chest. When he felt he was no longer in danger of crying, he met Balthazar’s gaze. “Thank you,” he said, pouring as much sincerity into the two words as he could. 

Balthazar nodded and moved back to his side of the couch. 

Castiel took in his friend. “You’re not broken either, you know.”

Balthazar gaped at him for a moment before scowling. “Go back to your book.”

Castiel did, hands absently running patterns along Balthazar’s shins as he read about Achilles and Patroclus. 

---

(this is part 1 of 5. The others are written but still being edited and will post over the next few days)

@all-or-nothing-baby @petrichoravellichor @i-miss-balthazar @casblackfeathers @ficwip

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