#dwalf

My girlfriend @onions-loignon and I were talking about DnD race sexualities in context of “if you make a tiefling straight, you didn’t read the handbook” and it turned into gender identities of the races/cultures and here we got

Dwarves: they are intersex anyone can procreate, if they choose to! In their language they use a gender neutral pronouns. They really don’t understand humans and their pronouns or explaination and just assume that “She” pronoun refers to the pregnant(you know that post). In their culture and society Aro and Ace is extremely common.

Elves: too complex for human understanding

Aarakocran: Gender through colour! Different clans have different colours associated with the genders. Trans aarakocrans are common and they bleach and dye their feathers to match their genders. (On a side note we talked about their culture and made God that was a chimera aarakocran that is intersex and is the god of genders and tieflings, more on the teiflings later)

Orcs: ASSIGNED GENDER BY FIGHT. They don’t have naturally female or male pronouns only strong and weak! The mead guzzlers and the milk drinkers.

Dragonborns: all women. It like that lizard species that’s all female. Assigned railer or railee at fight. He-him lesbians are common and loved unconditionally.

Tritons: as young ones they don’t really have one but at sexual maturity they all start out as male then later transition to female.

Halflings: normal male and female but they don’t reproduce via sex, they grow them in the garden. Cabbage patch kids.

Kobolds: the canon is fine and acceptable

Tieflings: we didn’t talk about gender but what would they be like when born to different races.

Here is a brief run down of some of the things my party have encountered in our first 10 sessions:

- Our folk hero got his sword stuck in a tree, on the next turn rolled a critical hit, and managed to stealthily drop the tree on the guy he was trying to fight

- Our lawful evil half-elf hunter rolled a critical miss on their first attack, shot another party member and when confronted about it, responded with "then don't get in the way"

- When trying to figure out how they could wake up for a 3am raid, the phrase "what's an ancient alarm clock? The bladder" was said before the whole party downed all the water they could find

- Our half-elf bard got crabs from a threesome with two guys she managed to seduce in a bar

- The same half-elf bard also got mouth herpes from attempting to seduce a ruffian who had fallen on top of her mid-battle because "he was hot" despite the only description the DM gave was "rugged"

- Our dwarfish druid turned into a mouse and nearly got eaten by a goblin when they rolled a critical miss while scoping out a castle after having set off a booby trap

- Our human paladin attempted to impress a barmaid by drinking a pint of Orc's Breath as a challenge and vomited all over the floor, causing him to become a local celebrity for his stupidity and weak stomach

- Our human cleric got his foot chopped off by one of a four-orc dog-pile outside a cave after all four orcs failed a saving throw and tripped on a rope we'd put outside the cave mouth

- Our halfling rogue rolled a critical hit on a stealth roll and managed to sneak the ENTIRE party into a heavily guarded castle under her cloak

- When confronted with an owlbear, the dwarfish druid and human cleric teamed up, fed it a goblin, and pet it until it became their friend (they rolled a critical) and now our DM is desperately trying to kill it before 'George' charges in and fights all our battles for us

- Everytime the DM knows our plan is going to get us killed, an arrow with a note attached hits near one of us with an exasperated suggestion from a helpful mercenary NPC we met in our first session

- Also half our party have disfiguring facial scars we have nicknamed strokes of luck which are given when our DM could have killed us, but didn't