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Dean gets back into his car. He’s put it off long enough. He grips the wheel tightly and starts back down the road. He doesn’t know the way, but he knows he’ll get there soon enough.
“Don’t you have somewhere else you should be?” Sam had asked him after a while, gently, not looking away from the river below them from the bridge where they stood.
Dean had stayed quiet. He was good at that.
“You’re an idiot, you know,” Sam had said. And yeah, he knows.
Of course, he had driven to his parents’ house next. Mary had made lasagna. They ate together. It was fine. It wasn’t what he had imagined, true - the few times he’d allowed himself to imagine a peaceful ending. It felt somehow hollow, like the cheap beer he’d shared with Bobby - an echo.
Heaven may not be your golden oldies anymore, but it wasn’t life either.
Maybe this is the Heaven he deserves. But is it the Heaven he wants?
He drives down the dusty road and tries to push away his thoughts.
“Cas helped,” Bobby had said. Dean had smiled, but the words had struck him. He’d been unable to speak - again. All those nights, lying on the floor surrounded by bottles, praying to Cas when he knew there was no hope of him hearing. But Cas was alive.
Dean thinks he should be angry that Cas or Jack hadn’t told him. But the relief he feels overtakes any other thought from fully forming.
He winds down a narrower road and comes to a stop beside the river.
And there he is - Cas. Dean’s heart - or the essence of it, he supposes, this being Heaven - feels tight and he tries not to think about that either.
Cas is crouched down beside the water. Dean can’t help but think about Purgatory. About losing Cas so many times before.
He opens his door and steps out of the car. Inhales deeply - not that he needs the air, but the motion is soothing. Tries again to get his thoughts under control. He’d blotted them out with the bottle on Earth. Here, nothing can hold back the tide and he’s barely able to stay above water at this point.
He can’t help but think about the last words Cas said to him. Can’t stop himself from feeling the pain of having Cas ripped from him. This time meant to be final. All the times he’d mourned him before, but none had compared to this time. He’d felt like he had given up before, when Lucifer had killed Cas, but this time he really had - though not consciously and intentionally. A rebar in the back on a routine hunt was proof enough that he was already gone in all ways but one.
He’s halfway to Cas in a second, his thoughts a mess. Cas stands and stares at him, his expression neutral.
What if he doesn’t still feel the same? Dean thinks. What if he didn’t mean it that way?
He tries to keep his pace even, but fails, just like he’s failed to keep his mind in check.
I need to tell him - he needs to know - his thoughts scattered.
Then - impact.
How else could he describe it? From the instant Cas’ hand gripped his arm and raised him from Hell to this second when they meet by a river in Heaven, they’ve been on a collision course since the moment they met.
“Cas -“ Dean starts, and his hands reach Cas’ face, grasping on either side, his thumbs tracing Cas’ cheeks lightly. Dean’s eyes search Cas’ face for any hesitation.
He finds none - instead, he finds Cas’ face has softened. Cas wraps his arms around Dean, pulling him in close and closing the space between them completely. Dean lets his left hand move to the back of Cas’ neck, grasping at his hair to pull him in closer. Lets his chin tuck into Cas’ shoulder.
He sighs in relief. He doesn’t pull back. He doesn’t punctuate the moment with an “okay, buddy,” to lighten the mood. He stays there in it. He lets himself sink into it - he would drown in it and stay here forever if he could.
He doesn’t have the words to say all he feels in the way that Cas did.
He never did, but not because the feelings weren’t there - despite all he had done to ignore them. Even when he’d prayed to Cas, thinking he was gone forever, he still hadn’t quite found the words. But he knows now how to let Cas know.
He lets himself say it with his body. Says stay over and over as the seconds go by and he anchors himself to Cas. Making it undeniably clear that in his arms, right here, is the only place he wants Cas to be. Holding him close as Cas relaxes into him. As he understands what Dean is saying to him.
He isn’t the first to pull back - not this time. Cas stares into his eyes, and Dean finds Cas’ first hopeful, then awe-filled, like he had never considered beyond the wanting and the being what the having would even be like.
So Dean tells him. He runs his fingers softly on the back of Cas’ neck, watching with fascination as Cas shivers into the feeling. He catches Cas’ eyes again with a silent question and Cas nods his reply, his cue for them to collide again – this time lips meeting in a searing kiss. No hesitancy, not now. If Dean can’t find the words to say I love you out loud, he can pour every one of them into this.
It’s Cas’ turn for fascination, as he breaks the kiss after – minutes? hours? – Dean isn’t sure. Cas puts a hand up to Dean’s face, thumb padding across his lips, tracing them as if he doesn’t believe this is real. Dean presses a kiss to Cas’ thumb. It is. We are.
“You’re here early,” Cas huffs against Dean’s cheek, breaking the silent communication.
“I know,” Dean acknowledges. “I’m sorry. It wasn’t on purpose.” His hand finds Cas’ and he holds it tight, drawing it up to his chest, to his heart. I love you.
“I didn’t think you –"
“I know. I never said,” Dean cuts him off with a kiss. I love you.
“I know now,” Cas still looks like he thinks Dean is going to disappear in the blink of an eye.
Dean kisses him again, deeper this time. He wants Cas never to doubt that he’s loved - that Dean loves him - again. A soft moan from Cas lets him know he understands.
I’m here, he says, and presses another kiss, this time to Cas’ neck.
I’m never letting you leave again. His cheek.
I love you. Capturing his mouth again.
I love you.
I love you.
-
Time passes differently here. It isn’t long before they decide to ask Jack to make one more exception.
Jack brings them back. Gives them the life they deserve, instead of the Heaven.
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